Finally! School is OVER, (which means driving 3 hours a day is OVER), our lovely vacation with the kids is OVER as well.
So,.. you know what this means….
can GET TO focus on JACKIE!!!
I’ve realized that over this past year, my thoughts, my energy, my mind, my heart has been devoted to Brian. Getting him into a new school, finding a new therapist, having the answers, driving him all over town, discussing issues with teachers, working out consequences for behavior, long convos about behavior, forgiving, meditating, feeling my feelings of anger and sadness, and literally giving as much as I possibly could to the situation.
But now my friends, is a NEW JACKIE.
Maybe I had to go through all of this to get clearer on WHAT I WANT FOR MY LIFE.
Because I have plans for ME. I have plans where I get to be ME FULLY, and I can no longer allow those plans and dreams and desires to be covered by the constant needs of this little boy.
We are reaching out for help in other directions and I am practicing saying NO.
If anything, this is teaching me that I DON’T NEED TO HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS. Oh my gawd tears come to my eyes just writing that out. My entire life I have felt that it was my JOB to have all the answers.
And I can’t!
I am NOT AN EXPERT in what he needs.
I am ready to happily hand it over to the actual experts so I can enjoy more OF MY LIFE.
I need to be more important than all of these little things that used to occupy my time. I cannot change the situation. I cannot make miracles with everyone that I think needs to change.
I must matter, and so as I enter the summer of 2018, I am reminded that I will be here for me. If I fail to make decisions FOR ME, that is MY FAULT, MY DOING.
I can take care of me first, practice getting comfortable with NOT having all the answers, allow space for my husband and his ex wife to make important decisions, and remember to BREATHE.
I matter. I matter. I matter. xo