What do I need?

I’ve had an interesting weekend. Actually, it’s been an interesting couple of weeks. Well, if I was REALLY honest, I’d have to say these past 5 months have been ridiculously stressful, interesting and full of twists and turns. It seems like everyday is filled with so many highs and lows. How can they possibly pack into one day???

It’s funny how certain times in our lives are like that. And then there could be years where it feels like there is hardly any movement at all.

In times of a lot of change, I used to be harsh on myself. Feeling like I needed to buckle down, push harder, do more. Being annoyed at myself that I was TIRED or ANGRY or SAD. And that I needed to SWALLOW those feelings down and push.

Now I am (FINALLY) realizing that the chaos is hard enough. Being mean to myself, or expecting so much of myself ends up not helping at all.

So I take a different approach.

I tell my body it is doing awesome. I breathe deeply. I sit in silence. I tell myself I know it’s been stressful and it’s going to all work out, I will be fine. I tell my heart that it is safe and that love surrounds me. I ask myself, “What do I need?” And I listen.

Then I take a nap.

Sometimes life is hard enough. We don’t need to make it worse. In order for me to see the gifts, I need to take care of myself first. Or I will miss all of them!

Sending you all love and light that you will take care of YOU first.

SUMMER!

Finally! School is OVER, (which means driving 3 hours a day is OVER), our lovely vacation with the kids is OVER as well.

So,.. you know what this means….

I can GET TO focus on JACKIE!!! 

I’ve realized that over this past year, my thoughts, my energy, my mind, my heart has been devoted to Brian. Getting him into a new school, finding a new therapist, having the answers, driving him all over town, discussing issues with teachers, working out consequences for behavior, long convos about behavior, forgiving, meditating, feeling my feelings of anger and sadness, and literally giving as much as I possibly could to the situation.

But now my friends, is a NEW JACKIE.

Maybe I had to go through all of this to get clearer on WHAT I WANT FOR MY LIFE.

Because I have plans for ME. I have plans where I get to be ME FULLY, and I can no longer allow those plans and dreams and desires to be covered by the constant needs of this little boy.

We are reaching out for help in other directions and I am practicing saying NO. 

If anything, this is teaching me that I DON’T NEED TO HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS. Oh my gawd tears come to my eyes just writing that out. My entire life I have felt that it was my JOB to have all the answers.

To everything.

And I can’t!

I don’t.

I am NOT AN EXPERT in what he needs.

I am ready to happily hand it over to the actual experts so I can enjoy more OF MY LIFE.

I need to be more important than all of these little things that used to occupy my time. I cannot change the situation. I cannot make miracles with everyone that I think needs to change.

I must matter, and so as I enter the summer of 2018, I am reminded that I will be here for me. If I fail to make decisions FOR ME, that is MY FAULT, MY DOING.

I can take care of me first, practice getting comfortable with NOT having all the answers, allow space for my husband and his ex wife to make important decisions, and remember to BREATHE.

I matter. I matter. I matter. xo

The Dance of Creativity, the Dance of Life

It’s funny how life moves, ebbs and flows. Sometimes I am buzzing with this luscious creative energy pulsing through my body.

Other times I am a bit listless. My mind bouncing back and forth on a certain piece, playing through different actions I could take to get me back to that place of deliciously vibrant energy.

I always get back, but sometimes the journey is uncomfortable. Right now, I see images in my head over and over again and once I start creating them, they disappear and I’m left with only a sliver of what I saw. So there’s the anxiety, the flipping of my brain to figure it out, to solve the mystery.

As I sit here at the computer, reminding myself to be PRESENT with where I am, and that I will get back to creating soon enough, I am also remembering that part of the process IS the trial and error. It IS the moving closer and closer to who we are at the depth of our core, and then sometimes in the next second being washed back onto the shore unsure of what just happened.

Maybe this is what it feels like to be an artist.

Maybe this is what it feels like to be human.

The glorious blissful moments where everything connects, and then the constant yearning for that when it’s gone.
Maybe I don’t need to yearn.

Maybe I can breathe through the not knowing, and remember the process, remember that curiosity must remain in order for work to come alive at all.

I want my pieces to not only have color and movement, but to be full of feelings and heartbreak and power and vivid streaks of beauty and pain. The only way I can do any of that is to be there, dancing with it. Holding on to and letting it lead, allowing it to move to it’s own beat while I step out of the way and gracefully allow creativity to lead.

Picasso

Love this, and it’s so true. I guess that’s what our job is as an artist. Have an idea, and allow it to take it’s own shape and become what it is here to become….

Answers are Sometimes Hidden Gems

I’m sitting here on a Tuesday earlish afternoon and thinking about trust. It’s so funny how when things are going great or even well, trust isn’t much to really think about. But what about when things are rocky? That’s the real test.

You know when you’re in the right place at the right time but you aren’t sure of all the logistics? When you don’t see how the pieces are going to possibly fit together?

Most people freak out.

Ahhh! I don’t have all the answers! Ahhh! I’m not in control. I can’t do this!

This is:
scary or
hard or
daunting or
NEW and I want to run away!

I think where I am definitely seeing this show up the most right now is trusting that there is

ALWAYS A SOLUTION.

Always. I’ve struggled in the past with thinking in black and white, it’s either all this or all that,…etc. And yet the older (and hopefully wiser) I get, I am realizing more and more that

LIFE ISN’T LIKE THAT.

I think life, in all situations has solutions that are these hidden gems just waiting to be discovered. Sometimes we may need to step away and take care of our basic needs before we can see them. But they are always there, lingering in the shadows ready to be revealed if we are open to jumping and trusting.

I’m being tested a lot regarding many new mom responsibilities with my step kids and cray cray stuff coming up  in regards to my husband’s ex-wife. Lately I feel like I’m barely coming up for air. It’s scary and a lot of work and I have a lot of feelings to work through , oh and by the way, where has my own time gone??

But I really do believe there are a lot of hidden gems along the way for me to experience as well.

I’m expecting to become better at trusting the universe, but also:

time management,
patience,
being present,
remembering the purpose,
remembering my purpose,
making sure that taking care of me is most important,
feeling my feelings, and
knowing that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed because I know I know I know that there will be solutions right around the corner.

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