I Create My Story

I was playing around with my line art and thought maybe I could create one using words. I’ve always loved words, and after 40 hours of work, this piece is done!  It was fun and challenging, and I definitely want to create more.

I love words that remind us to take control of our lives and go after what we want. We have the power!

xo

I am Remembering

That anytime in life,

may it be in a conversation, during yoga, while making art, sleeping, etc. if I am PUSHING/FORCING/GRINDING/SHOVING at all, I am not allowing the Universe to move through me.

Life can be filled with ease and delight in every moment.

Sometimes I need to remember this as I live.
Anything I choose to do,
be,
say,
experience, can be done with an open ease to allow the truth that I may not even know exists yet, come forth.

The Game of Life and How to Play It

Wow! Can’t believe it’s nearing the end of August! Oh my gosh!!! So my family and I just got home from an Alaskan cruise. It was great in many ways, but of course it wasn’t without the occasional family drama. Soooo nice to be home though! Even though I am still wading through travel items that need to be put away, 1/2 done loads of laundry, and this excited/anxious feeling of wanting to get back into a LIFE SCHEDULE and experience DAILY LIFE AGAIN. Traveling is so great, but it’s always nice to come home. 🙂

A couple weeks before we left, I ordered a book on Amazon that supposedly was written to help people manifest in an easy way, sort of reset the thick anticipatory funk that usually seems like comes with the concept. I opened the first page, and the author had written that she had been inspired by the book “The Game of Life and How to Play it,” by Florence Scovel Shinn. The name of the book caught my eye because I’ve had that book on the shelf for 2 years, and hadn’t opened it yet. I remember I had heard about it on some spiritual website/blog/ or from a person that the book is pretty amazing, but just never got around to it. This was obviously a sign! So I decided to switch over to reading that little book that had been patiently sitting on my shelf instead of my new one.

I feel so blessed that this book was waiting for me. My entire perspective is shifting and I am feeling more empowered, more delighted, more alive in my life. I am astounded that Florence wrote this in 1925, wow! What a freakin’ powerhouse.

My husband and I have been reading it together nearly every night. (I know I know I’m pretty lucky to have such a receptive partner….)

One of my favorite messages from the book is that there is a supply for every demand. She also mentions that blessing others automatically blesses ourselves. I love the concept of blessing others, and it automatically dissolves any anger or irritation towards them. Life in so many ways has been so ego centered. I feel so connected to humans by blessing them, and acknowledging that we all aren’t that different.

She has reminded me of the law of karma. If we want love, send love out. If we want support and understanding, to give that. Give that which we seek.

It really reminds me to expect miracles. That what is our divine right cannot be taken from us, and will show up in divine timing. I feel so much more at ease in my life, trusting that the Universe has my back.

I love it when a message, a book, a person, a realization shows up at just the right moment. It seems like this is happening to me more and more.

Yay! Sending so much love and blessings to all of you. 😉 xo

Endless Loop?

Wow… It’s been OVER a month since I created a blog post. I can’t even believe it. I knew May was going to be full, and it was. I am just starting to get myself back on a schedule, an even better one, but I can’t believe  it’s been over a month. Sheesh!

Though I’m learning a lot  about myself every day, I’m aware that I don’t feel quite as confident as I would like. Even after all these years of growth and change, and new decisions, and speaking my truth, there are still voices that  show up in my head vicious and irritated.
Wishing that I was:
something different,
something more,
better,
faster,
more involved,
less involved,
more confident,
more of a fighter,
more social,
better in groups,
enough.
That still happens, and I can see my pattern. I can see where the blame and shame shows up, where I feel disgusted at myself, and where I feel like I would be enough if I just pushed a little harder.

I recently had a discussion about this sort of thing with my sister in law. And the question is; what if I don’t need to PUSH harder? Why do I always assume that if something is happening that I don’t like, that it’s my JOB to WORK HARDER to get where I want to go, or get a relationship to where I want it to be?

I don’t know.

I guess that was the way I was raised, right? That our job is to spin our wheels pushing fighting, pounding until we FIX it. Until we beat it to death, whatever it is. It’s so funny writing that out, because it’s not at all how I live my life, and not at all how I would want my kids to feel. And yet, there it is. The feeling that I am not enough and that I MUST exhaust every morsel of my being, and even then there is probably something wrong with me.

What if life gets to be easier than that? More at ease? Even though I resonate far more with ease, there is still a part of me that feels I need to push, jab, fight to move forward.

Maybe this is just a rambling post of me feeling lost and searching once again for a glimmer of my personal power. How no matter how much work we may do on ourselves, the mean self talk can still show up. And something I’m not even AWARE that the voice has stepped into my head.

I just start believing it.

My husband just told me earlier today that he loves every part of me. It  made me so sad, that we can so easily offer that to people we love,  but it is so hard to do for ourselves. Every part of ME? I mean, I accept more parts than I used to. I am grateful for more than I used to be. But there is still a lot of judgement voices. EVERY part of me? How wonderful that would be to just know who I am and accept and love myself fully. Is that even possible? Or is it an endless loop of feeling like we get close and then finding another issue/quirk/problem/mistake/flaw that we need to lean in to offering love to? Are we doing this when we are 90 no matter what? Or is there a way to get to the point of loving all of it?

I have to remember that even though I feel immersed in emotions and negative self talk, that doesn’t mean I am not growing and learning and moving forward. It doesn’t mean I am backpedaling or stuck, or incapable or wrong. It means maybe that there is another level that I can work through to be a better version of me.

Brene Brown


Okay so I love Brene, and I love her messages of Bravery and vulnerability and taking risks. We sat down with our 13 year old daughter to watch her Netflix video. Ah! You need to see it if you haven’t yet. It was cool because afterward K said that she thought Brene would be a cool person to meet. She said she seems really genuine and authentic. Even if what was spoken about doesn’t stick, at least she’s exposed to it, and will continue to be at our house. Yes! Proud bonus mom moment number 1000. 😉

Here is the preview of the movie if you haven’t yet seen it. Sooooo inspiring.

 

 

Shattered Reality

Yes it’s been a long time since I’ve written. Our son was visiting last week from his school in Boise, and I didn’t get a chance to do my blogging.

I’m writing from deep inside a fog right now.

Every morning that my hubby and I are at the gym, the news is blaring in front of us with terrible stories of fear and hatred and pain. I’ve always disliked being bombarded with such heaviness, especially in the morning, especially before I even really start my day. Unfortunately this morning, our community was on the news, unraveling, peeling, unearthing from the horrendous synagogue shooting on Saturday morning.

I think all of us are still in shock, with slivers of disbelief and moments of deep cutting pain.

This is something that happens in other places.

This is something that happens with other people.

Not here.

Not a mile from our house.

Fortunately our kids and my hubby’s family attend a different synagogue slightly further away. But this hits home so much more than we could have ever imagined.

Last night we attended the vigil and heard first hand the story retold by the Rabbi. There are so many excruciating details about the story and it’s easy to get overwhelmed with them. To constantly picture the horrible scene again and again, feeling myself being sucked into the story as if I were there.

The part that stands out for me the most through all the tragic details is the support, the love, the compassion, the bravery that we felt as we showed up to that vigil. It didn’t matter who was Jewish or not. There were people from all religions, ethnicities, backgrounds united in an event that has sent ripples of fear to everyone in the community.

I guess even as I write all this out, and feel the heaviness in my heart, there are gifts I am choosing to see.

  1. Life is fleeting. We don’t know what is going to happen today or tomorrow. Maybe the time to make amends is now. Maybe the time to be present, and love and be authentic is now. Maybe now is all we have. 
  2. In the face of tragedy, love shines through. People come together no matter how awful the reason. I am reminded that even though we get distracted, the reality is that we want to show up for others. We have empathy, and we want to feel connected. There is a lot more good than we realize.
  3. Bravery. I am baffled by the immense amount of bravery in not only this story but most of the hate crime tragedies. There are people taking extremely heroic risks. Could I be that brave? Am I brave? These acts are redefining what lengths we will go to to keep others safe. Although people may argue that humans are inherently selfish, surprisingly enough in the face of terror many are willing to react with bravery instinctually. I hope I could be the same. 

 

Just like I told my hubby, and I need to remind myself. It’s okay to be wherever I am right now. This was a tragedy, this was terrifying, and it did hit home. The best thing I can do is feel it as much as I need to, and allow myself to deepen in all areas from it.

Sending you all lots of love.

Jax

Appreciate Appreciate

I appreciate these amazing noise cancelling headphones so I completely feel like I’m in my own world.

I appreciate getting the house organized. The energy is improving!

I appreciate that the cat tree is moved close to the window so the kittens can enjoy the sun and look outside.

I appreciate watching the kids laugh and play out the window.

I appreciate being able to focus at the library and get done everything on my list.

I appreciate being reminded that me feeling good is the first step in creating the life I want, and enjoying the life I have.

I appreciate having the courage to say yes.

I appreciate being able to apologize to myself when I am not as compassionate as I would like to be.

I appreciate starting over with how I speak to myself if I need to.

I appreciate recognizing that I am making things harder than they need to be.

I appreciate being brave enough to feel my feelings when they come up instead of pushing them away.

I appreciate knowing that magic is all around me.

I appreciate listing off what I am grateful for in the morning.

I appreciate playing happy music while we get ready in the morning.

I appreciate listening to my body instead of judging.

I appreciate the sun on my cheeks.

I appreciate feeling calm when I go inside my closet.

I appreciate getting rid of clothes that do not spark joy.

I appreciate being in a relationship where we both show up the best way we can for each other.

I appreciate knowing that I can make changes with anything that isn’t working in my life.

I appreciate sore muscles.

I appreciate sore drawing fingers.

Forgive

This is just one of my many, many life lessons I’ve had recently that I thought I’d share. I’m getting better and better at it everyday!
Sending you all love, and hopefully you can forgive yourself as well. I’m sure you are doing the best you can with what you know.

xo

Alive

Colors and lines morphing into something bright and brave.

 

I don’t know how this piece will end up, but I am moving forward with it. I had put it down for a bit, but once again I am enjoying the movement, the process of it. I managed to cover this canvas in thick watercolor paper so the lines are easy to draw.

We will see how it’ll all come together.. xo

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