Finally! School is OVER, (which means driving 3 hours a day is OVER), our lovely vacation with the kids is OVER as well.

So,.. you know what this means….

I can GET TO focus on JACKIE!!! 

I’ve realized that over this past year, my thoughts, my energy, my mind, my heart has been devoted to Brian. Getting him into a new school, finding a new therapist, having the answers, driving him all over town, discussing issues with teachers, working out consequences for behavior, long convos about behavior, forgiving, meditating, feeling my feelings of anger and sadness, and literally giving as much as I possibly could to the situation.

But now my friends, is a NEW JACKIE.

Maybe I had to go through all of this to get clearer on WHAT I WANT FOR MY LIFE.

Because I have plans for ME. I have plans where I get to be ME FULLY, and I can no longer allow those plans and dreams and desires to be covered by the constant needs of this little boy.

We are reaching out for help in other directions and I am practicing saying NO. 

If anything, this is teaching me that I DON’T NEED TO HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS. Oh my gawd tears come to my eyes just writing that out. My entire life I have felt that it was my JOB to have all the answers.

To everything.

And I can’t!

I don’t.

I am NOT AN EXPERT in what he needs.

I am ready to happily hand it over to the actual experts so I can enjoy more OF MY LIFE.

I need to be more important than all of these little things that used to occupy my time. I cannot change the situation. I cannot make miracles with everyone that I think needs to change.

I must matter, and so as I enter the summer of 2018, I am reminded that I will be here for me. If I fail to make decisions FOR ME, that is MY FAULT, MY DOING.

I can take care of me first, practice getting comfortable with NOT having all the answers, allow space for my husband and his ex wife to make important decisions, and remember to BREATHE.

I matter. I matter. I matter. xo

Handled It

Every New Year, Andy and I choose a word that will inspiring us in the upcoming months, a word that represents what we want to work on. For this year, I chose truth. I’ve known that even thought I’m way better at speaking my truth than I used to be, I still have some work to do. I gotta tell you, even putting that word out into the Universe has brought me face to face with needing to speak it plenty in the past months.

Pretty much everyone in my life I can pretty much speak my truth to. I can be kind and honest and it feels so great to live in that space.

However, there has been one person that I haven’t been able to do it with. One person that I have constantly found myself avoiding saying what needs to be said and ending up doing way more than my share. It’s funny, I built this person up to be larger than just a normal human. I couldn’t imagine speaking all the truth that has been boiling under the surface.

I had realized something a few years back. This wasn’t about her. It was never about her. She’s just a human doing the best she can with what she knows. But for me she represented so much more. Behind her eyes was every situation from way way back where I couldn’t say no. It was every moment where I had smiled through my pain, biting my tongue to stop the tears, and then said ‘sure,’ or ‘I’m fine,’ or ‘what else can I do to help,’ when I wished I could say ‘no more please,’ or  ‘please stop,’ or ‘I can’t do this,’ or just ‘NO.’


But yesterday everything changed. It was one of those brilliant moments that show up in our lives when suddenly everything clicks. It was like I knew without a doubt that things needed to shift, and I was ready. Even thought I was scared to speak up, there wasn’t an ounce of uncertainty about what I was saying. I knew in my blood that I had every right to say what I needed to say.

And so, I did.

She stopped talking long enough for me to speak and hearing my voice was shocking.

I thought I would be shaky and awkward and have trouble making eye contact.

But I didn’t.

I was solid.
I was firm.
I was passionate and alive and it felt as if I had just burst at the seams with all my truth.


But I was also kind. I wasn’t lashing out. I was empowered.
And I said NO.

It’s funny, it was fine. The moments passed, the day moved on. Nothing exploded. Nothing struck me down with a golden rode. It was fine.

But I walked away far better than fine.

I honestly believe in that moment my life completely changed. It was as if the energy from the past began healing instantaneously with these energetic explosions, and me walking away like a fucking powerhouse.

Wow. I can speak up. I can make eye contact. I can say no.
And the best part is, I can do it all with so much compassion and love.

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