I need this right now. So sick of apologizing for WHO I am.
I need this right now. So sick of apologizing for WHO I am.
Wow… It’s been OVER a month since I created a blog post. I can’t even believe it. I knew May was going to be full, and it was. I am just starting to get myself back on a schedule, an even better one, but I can’t believe it’s been over a month. Sheesh!
Though I’m learning a lot about myself every day, I’m aware that I don’t feel quite as confident as I would like. Even after all these years of growth and change, and new decisions, and speaking my truth, there are still voices that show up in my head vicious and irritated.
Wishing that I was:
more of a fighter,
better in groups,
That still happens, and I can see my pattern. I can see where the blame and shame shows up, where I feel disgusted at myself, and where I feel like I would be enough if I just pushed a little harder.
I recently had a discussion about this sort of thing with my sister in law. And the question is; what if I don’t need to PUSH harder? Why do I always assume that if something is happening that I don’t like, that it’s my JOB to WORK HARDER to get where I want to go, or get a relationship to where I want it to be?
I don’t know.
I guess that was the way I was raised, right? That our job is to spin our wheels pushing fighting, pounding until we FIX it. Until we beat it to death, whatever it is. It’s so funny writing that out, because it’s not at all how I live my life, and not at all how I would want my kids to feel. And yet, there it is. The feeling that I am not enough and that I MUST exhaust every morsel of my being, and even then there is probably something wrong with me.
What if life gets to be easier than that? More at ease? Even though I resonate far more with ease, there is still a part of me that feels I need to push, jab, fight to move forward.
Maybe this is just a rambling post of me feeling lost and searching once again for a glimmer of my personal power. How no matter how much work we may do on ourselves, the mean self talk can still show up. And something I’m not even AWARE that the voice has stepped into my head.
I just start believing it.
My husband just told me earlier today that he loves every part of me. It made me so sad, that we can so easily offer that to people we love, but it is so hard to do for ourselves. Every part of ME? I mean, I accept more parts than I used to. I am grateful for more than I used to be. But there is still a lot of judgement voices. EVERY part of me? How wonderful that would be to just know who I am and accept and love myself fully. Is that even possible? Or is it an endless loop of feeling like we get close and then finding another issue/quirk/problem/mistake/flaw that we need to lean in to offering love to? Are we doing this when we are 90 no matter what? Or is there a way to get to the point of loving all of it?
I have to remember that even though I feel immersed in emotions and negative self talk, that doesn’t mean I am not growing and learning and moving forward. It doesn’t mean I am backpedaling or stuck, or incapable or wrong. It means maybe that there is another level that I can work through to be a better version of me.
Oh my gosh have you guys seen this? Maybe I am late to the game, but I just stumbled on this a couple weeks back. New plan! I’m going to print this (or write it up myself) for the house. What a wonderful way to live and parent. Ahhhh! I love love love it, and every time I read it, it makes me cry. I’d love to hear your thoughts… .xo Jax
I appreciate these amazing noise cancelling headphones so I completely feel like I’m in my own world.
I appreciate getting the house organized. The energy is improving!
I appreciate that the cat tree is moved close to the window so the kittens can enjoy the sun and look outside.
I appreciate watching the kids laugh and play out the window.
I appreciate being able to focus at the library and get done everything on my list.
I appreciate being reminded that me feeling good is the first step in creating the life I want, and enjoying the life I have.
I appreciate having the courage to say yes.
I appreciate being able to apologize to myself when I am not as compassionate as I would like to be.
I appreciate starting over with how I speak to myself if I need to.
I appreciate recognizing that I am making things harder than they need to be.
I appreciate being brave enough to feel my feelings when they come up instead of pushing them away.
I appreciate knowing that magic is all around me.
I appreciate listing off what I am grateful for in the morning.
I appreciate playing happy music while we get ready in the morning.
I appreciate listening to my body instead of judging.
I appreciate the sun on my cheeks.
I appreciate feeling calm when I go inside my closet.
I appreciate getting rid of clothes that do not spark joy.
I appreciate being in a relationship where we both show up the best way we can for each other.
I appreciate knowing that I can make changes with anything that isn’t working in my life.
I appreciate sore muscles.
I appreciate sore drawing fingers.
Colors and lines morphing into something bright and brave.
I don’t know how this piece will end up, but I am moving forward with it. I had put it down for a bit, but once again I am enjoying the movement, the process of it. I managed to cover this canvas in thick watercolor paper so the lines are easy to draw.
We will see how it’ll all come together.. xo
Welcome to the end of March! Sheesh! This year feels like it’s flying already. Wow! Anyway, after a post the other day about not listening to my curiosities, I decided to do something about it.
I took a 2 days course on Healing Touch, something I have been CURIOUS about for a couple of years. I would love to enhance my intuition, and so…. I SAID YES!
I must say, I really loved it. It was a new experience to go into a class not knowing if I would enjoy it or not. But being able to be light about it,
to ‘check and see,
to keep my heart open,
to move through it with ease
and just ‘check in with what felt right.’
It was nice to allow myself to be a beginner and to not have signed up for all 5 classes already. ahahha
Anyway, it was a fascinating introduction to energy work, and I wanna go further! I actually think I want to take Healing Touch for animals in the next couple of months. I love animals, and the older I get the more my heart just relishes in them.
So that is the plan! For those of you curious about Healing Touch, check it out. What I love about it, is that it is taught the same way no matter where you go. Hospitals are now utilizing it, and seeing the benefits! Ha! So it’s not just gypsy women sitting on the street corner with no money begging for cans of tuna in exchange for energy healing. haahah
I feel great that I am paving a path for myself, and ART is still intermixed with it. I can do them both!
By the way, does anyone have any tips for schedules and creating balance? Between managing 3 buildings with my hubby, family, healing touch, art, volunteering at hospice, attending hospice classes, and uhhh taking an occasional bath, I sure could use some suggestions. 😉
Okay, so I had heard about Marie Kondo, and I had the INTENTION of reading her book a couple of years ago and being inspired. But I never got around to it. However, this past week I took a short trip back to Utah, and had a chance to catch a couple of her episodes on the Netflix show Tiding Up.
I had no idea what to expect.
I had no idea that I would not only be excited to try her tricks, but that I would unexpectedly find myself emotional. I had no ideas that something so deep in me would be so awakened.
Fast forward to past weekend where I decided to fully Kondoize my closet. I piled everything onto bed in the guest bedroom, and got to work. The first thing I learned was that it was a lot easier to move through knowing what to keep and what to get rid of than what I had originally thought. Instead of asking myself a myriad of questions about the function and how well it works, and if it was a gift, etc. etc. blah blah blah
I had one question.
Does this spark joy?
Usually the answer was a quick, electric jolt of a yes or no. Usually the answer had been there all along, but I had never asked the question.
The best part for me is how Marie taught people to say thank you to the items they were getting rid of. For some reason that woke me up. I felt it. I think all too often we are harsh. Harsh to ourselves, harsh to other people, harsh to our things. I really resonate with the experience of thanking everything for being a part of our life, even if the time has come to an end.
Anyway, I spent half of Saturday and all of Sunday clearing my closet and my chest of drawers. I can’t believe how magnificent it was! As it was reaching 7pm on Sunday, I had been going all day, and I realized that I didn’t feel tired at all. I felt rejuvenated, relaxed, excited, pulsing, alive, and like I could breathe again.
I knew I had a lot of stuff, but I didn’t really think about the fact that so much old energy was being stuffed into my space. No wonder our space has felt heavy and thick and full. There was no movement! No flow!
The part of all of this that is so phenomenal to me, is that asking this question could have made my life WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY less cluttered years ago! I had never once lived my life with so much authenticity like what I am learning right now. All of the items I’ve kept out of sheer uncaring, or gifts from obligation, or piles of STUFF that could have been thrown out forever ago if i asked myself that ONE question.
Does it spark JOY?
Wow. What an exciting way to honor ourselves with items and feelings that ARE US. This is one of the highest forms of self respect, and I am doing it. I feel like my entire life is changing. Ha!
Today I will excitedly tackle my nightstand and bathroom with grace and gratitude. I can’t wait for our entire house to be Konzoized!
I don’t know what it is about today, but I am so stuffed with emotions right now. It’s so good to start writing.
I’m feeling really sad. It is the kind of sadness that burrows inside like a sharp knife and spreads itself like thick, warm mud throughout my whole body.
I just want to cry and cry and cry.
I think at first I would have said that I don’t know why I feel this way. It’s easy to say ‘I don’t know’ as the first response to big emotions.
Where did we learn that from?
Is it that we really don’t know?
Or that we weren’t taught to ask ourselves where our feelings are coming from?
Or that we expect instant answers and don’t have experience with allowing the revelations to move through us, though sometimes slowly?
The truth is, I do know why I’m sad.
We have recently had an experience where we were left out of something big. And I want to shake someone and cry and tell them how it feels. I think I’m also sad that being an adult sometimes means that I need to move through my feelings without blaming someone else.
When all I want to do is blame right now. I do.
I want to scream and tell them it’s their fault, and THEY were disrespectful and rude.
Sometimes it’s difficult to know how to handle being hurt by someone. I mean, there are some people (my husband included), where I can speak openly about being hurt. I can discuss it and move through it and we can both understand each other deeper. Then I can box it up in a nice little package, and discard it. Renewed and more connected with myself and the other person. But there are other people that never allow any feelings like that to come close them. They will viciously attack back, even if the intention was to address it in a vulnerable respectful way.
So what do you do with people like that?
With the ones that you don’t feel safe in sharing your feelings with?
And what I am learning is that it is okay for me to FEEL whatever I am feeling. That doesn’t mean that I need to PUT IT ON ANYONE. No one can MAKE me feel a certain way, I know that.
And yet, there is some sadness again.
Each time I write, I learn more about myself. I am learning that I appreciate sharing my feelings, even if it’s hurt and sadness. I appreciate sharing them with someone that is opening to hearing and growing and becoming closer. And for me, sharing, voicing, having a voice, helps me feel stronger as a human.
I think just hearing my voice reminds me that I am okay, and that I am not alone.
So. It’s sad that there are people (only 1 or 2 now) in my life, that I still cannot share completely with. That they are maybe stuck emotionally and seem to be incapable of opening to vulnerability,
to truth. And so something that bonds some of us, needs to be dealt with alone because I don’t feel safe in sharing.
And maybe the more I get to know myself, and know that I grow through sharing, maybe I also am learning that not everyone does. And that I cannot make someone grow with me and my feelings. That me EXPECTING someone to give a shit about my feelings is also me not recognizing that we are all different.
That we come from different places.
That we need different things.
That we don’t see things that same way and never will.
So here I am, full circle, maybe dipping my toe in a place of compassion. But definitely recognizing that my expectation of other humans and their apparent short falls is actually MY shortfall.
And for that, I am also sad.
I appreciate the small warm breeze brushing over my face.
I appreciate being home.
I appreciate getting the laundry done.
I appreciate feeling humbled.
I appreciate having kittens that always want love.
I appreciate there is time to make art.
I appreciate allowing myself to create the new ideas that come to me.
I appreciate the quiet outside.
I appreciate the sun across my cheeks.
I appreciate that I am feeling better than yesterday.
I appreciate I can start over with anything that doesn’t feel right.
I appreciate realizing that I can treat myself better than I have been.
I appreciate following through on my commitments I make to myself.
I appreciate my fresh red pepper juice.
I appreciate that my hubby is too sick to taste the red pepper juice, and drank it easily.
I appreciate feeling at peace.
I appreciate knowing that everything will be put away in time. I don’t need to do it right away.
I appreciate the limitless time I have to create.
I appreciate the new pieces I am creating.
I appreciate my creativity.
I appreciate being able to drive.