Time to Play

As these cra cra holidays begin, I hope you’re giving yourself time to breathe, and time to play!

We can only be our best when we are taking care of ourselves to the BEST of our ability.

 

Green Universe

Here is another one of the tiny pieces I’ve played with. Ah there are so many fun creations I am in the middle of. I will share more when they are finished!

 

Goes Around and Around

What we send out into the world, always comes back. I have to remind myself of this when I am annoyed and angry and irritated or just hungry and tired. That’s not the reason for me to attempt to be the best version of myself, but it’s good for me to keep in mind. I’m working on feeling my feelings fully (and eating when I’m a total b****) so I can be present with showing up in a place of gratitude, joy, and kindness. And yet, I’m constantly seeing I need to forgive myself when I don’t do it the way I’d like.

Sending you all love, peace and harmony. May you have the desire to follow your own heart and the bravery to speak your truth.

SUMMER!

Finally! School is OVER, (which means driving 3 hours a day is OVER), our lovely vacation with the kids is OVER as well.

So,.. you know what this means….

I can GET TO focus on JACKIE!!! 

I’ve realized that over this past year, my thoughts, my energy, my mind, my heart has been devoted to Brian. Getting him into a new school, finding a new therapist, having the answers, driving him all over town, discussing issues with teachers, working out consequences for behavior, long convos about behavior, forgiving, meditating, feeling my feelings of anger and sadness, and literally giving as much as I possibly could to the situation.

But now my friends, is a NEW JACKIE.

Maybe I had to go through all of this to get clearer on WHAT I WANT FOR MY LIFE.

Because I have plans for ME. I have plans where I get to be ME FULLY, and I can no longer allow those plans and dreams and desires to be covered by the constant needs of this little boy.

We are reaching out for help in other directions and I am practicing saying NO. 

If anything, this is teaching me that I DON’T NEED TO HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS. Oh my gawd tears come to my eyes just writing that out. My entire life I have felt that it was my JOB to have all the answers.

To everything.

And I can’t!

I don’t.

I am NOT AN EXPERT in what he needs.

I am ready to happily hand it over to the actual experts so I can enjoy more OF MY LIFE.

I need to be more important than all of these little things that used to occupy my time. I cannot change the situation. I cannot make miracles with everyone that I think needs to change.

I must matter, and so as I enter the summer of 2018, I am reminded that I will be here for me. If I fail to make decisions FOR ME, that is MY FAULT, MY DOING.

I can take care of me first, practice getting comfortable with NOT having all the answers, allow space for my husband and his ex wife to make important decisions, and remember to BREATHE.

I matter. I matter. I matter. xo

Something New

Here is something new I’m working on. Ahhhh! I’m loving the process, enjoying the journey of delicious play!

This is on 18×24 paper, so I have a long way to go. Ahhhh

 

Doodle?

Whenever I am gliding a pen across the paper, and someone makes a comment, I uncomfortably always say ‘Augh it’s nothing, I am just doodling. I am just playing.’

Which,… is true in a sense. Creating art this way by allowing my mind to relax and trusting the pen to move as it must, is the ultimate restorative, gentle, emotive activity that brings me right back to who I am where I feel solid and full and alive.

However, the words that come out of my mouth sounds as if what I am doing is suddenly so minuscule, so silly, a time waster. Which is exactly what I always felt it was,
a HUGE WASTE OF TIME. 

This got me thinking….

What is the actual definition of ‘doodle’ anyway?
Well, I looked it up.

Doodle: To scrawl aimlessly, to fritter away time, to scribble absentmindedly.

Huh. Wow. That doesn’t sound amazing. So I looked up absentmindedly so I could get a complete view at all of this.

Absentmindedly: So lost in thought that one does not realize what one is doing; preoccupied with something else. Absent, inattentive.

No wonder I haven’t felt ‘doodle’ suits me! None of this is true! Sure I am relaxed when I am creating, but I am buzzing with joy and gratitude and play and I am definitely AWARE of what I am doing. There is no part of the definition that is about being in a place of bliss or meditation or even being remotely creative. And ABSENT!??? Uh no.

Wow. Isn’t this fascinating how words carry so much energy? Some words don’t fit at all even though we keep using them. This is so funny, I have felt such a disconnect from that word which has made me feel like I’m not a real artist, like I’m such a silly bullshitter.

I think I am going to eliminate the word DOODLE out of my vocabulary entirely. I mean, I can do that. The word has made me feel small and insignificant and there is no reason at all for that.

From now on I am CREATING.

I am an artist, I am not a silly doodler.

In Process

Here is a piece I am in the middle of working on. I did this one a little different, and started drawing with the color first. It’s so much fun and my hand is lusciously cramping… Ahhhhh I love feeling it in my body.

Is it really art if I’m just allowing my hand to create without my head?

I’ll post it when it’s finished! xo

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