Endless Loop?

Wow… It’s been OVER a month since I created a blog post. I can’t even believe it. I knew May was going to be full, and it was. I am just starting to get myself back on a schedule, an even better one, but I can’t believe  it’s been over a month. Sheesh!

Though I’m learning a lot  about myself every day, I’m aware that I don’t feel quite as confident as I would like. Even after all these years of growth and change, and new decisions, and speaking my truth, there are still voices that  show up in my head vicious and irritated.
Wishing that I was:
something different,
something more,
better,
faster,
more involved,
less involved,
more confident,
more of a fighter,
more social,
better in groups,
enough.
That still happens, and I can see my pattern. I can see where the blame and shame shows up, where I feel disgusted at myself, and where I feel like I would be enough if I just pushed a little harder.

I recently had a discussion about this sort of thing with my sister in law. And the question is; what if I don’t need to PUSH harder? Why do I always assume that if something is happening that I don’t like, that it’s my JOB to WORK HARDER to get where I want to go, or get a relationship to where I want it to be?

I don’t know.

I guess that was the way I was raised, right? That our job is to spin our wheels pushing fighting, pounding until we FIX it. Until we beat it to death, whatever it is. It’s so funny writing that out, because it’s not at all how I live my life, and not at all how I would want my kids to feel. And yet, there it is. The feeling that I am not enough and that I MUST exhaust every morsel of my being, and even then there is probably something wrong with me.

What if life gets to be easier than that? More at ease? Even though I resonate far more with ease, there is still a part of me that feels I need to push, jab, fight to move forward.

Maybe this is just a rambling post of me feeling lost and searching once again for a glimmer of my personal power. How no matter how much work we may do on ourselves, the mean self talk can still show up. And something I’m not even AWARE that the voice has stepped into my head.

I just start believing it.

My husband just told me earlier today that he loves every part of me. It  made me so sad, that we can so easily offer that to people we love,  but it is so hard to do for ourselves. Every part of ME? I mean, I accept more parts than I used to. I am grateful for more than I used to be. But there is still a lot of judgement voices. EVERY part of me? How wonderful that would be to just know who I am and accept and love myself fully. Is that even possible? Or is it an endless loop of feeling like we get close and then finding another issue/quirk/problem/mistake/flaw that we need to lean in to offering love to? Are we doing this when we are 90 no matter what? Or is there a way to get to the point of loving all of it?

I have to remember that even though I feel immersed in emotions and negative self talk, that doesn’t mean I am not growing and learning and moving forward. It doesn’t mean I am backpedaling or stuck, or incapable or wrong. It means maybe that there is another level that I can work through to be a better version of me.

Brene Brown


Okay so I love Brene, and I love her messages of Bravery and vulnerability and taking risks. We sat down with our 13 year old daughter to watch her Netflix video. Ah! You need to see it if you haven’t yet. It was cool because afterward K said that she thought Brene would be a cool person to meet. She said she seems really genuine and authentic. Even if what was spoken about doesn’t stick, at least she’s exposed to it, and will continue to be at our house. Yes! Proud bonus mom moment number 1000. 😉

Here is the preview of the movie if you haven’t yet seen it. Sooooo inspiring.

 

 

Shattered Reality

Yes it’s been a long time since I’ve written. Our son was visiting last week from his school in Boise, and I didn’t get a chance to do my blogging.

I’m writing from deep inside a fog right now.

Every morning that my hubby and I are at the gym, the news is blaring in front of us with terrible stories of fear and hatred and pain. I’ve always disliked being bombarded with such heaviness, especially in the morning, especially before I even really start my day. Unfortunately this morning, our community was on the news, unraveling, peeling, unearthing from the horrendous synagogue shooting on Saturday morning.

I think all of us are still in shock, with slivers of disbelief and moments of deep cutting pain.

This is something that happens in other places.

This is something that happens with other people.

Not here.

Not a mile from our house.

Fortunately our kids and my hubby’s family attend a different synagogue slightly further away. But this hits home so much more than we could have ever imagined.

Last night we attended the vigil and heard first hand the story retold by the Rabbi. There are so many excruciating details about the story and it’s easy to get overwhelmed with them. To constantly picture the horrible scene again and again, feeling myself being sucked into the story as if I were there.

The part that stands out for me the most through all the tragic details is the support, the love, the compassion, the bravery that we felt as we showed up to that vigil. It didn’t matter who was Jewish or not. There were people from all religions, ethnicities, backgrounds united in an event that has sent ripples of fear to everyone in the community.

I guess even as I write all this out, and feel the heaviness in my heart, there are gifts I am choosing to see.

  1. Life is fleeting. We don’t know what is going to happen today or tomorrow. Maybe the time to make amends is now. Maybe the time to be present, and love and be authentic is now. Maybe now is all we have. 
  2. In the face of tragedy, love shines through. People come together no matter how awful the reason. I am reminded that even though we get distracted, the reality is that we want to show up for others. We have empathy, and we want to feel connected. There is a lot more good than we realize.
  3. Bravery. I am baffled by the immense amount of bravery in not only this story but most of the hate crime tragedies. There are people taking extremely heroic risks. Could I be that brave? Am I brave? These acts are redefining what lengths we will go to to keep others safe. Although people may argue that humans are inherently selfish, surprisingly enough in the face of terror many are willing to react with bravery instinctually. I hope I could be the same. 

 

Just like I told my hubby, and I need to remind myself. It’s okay to be wherever I am right now. This was a tragedy, this was terrifying, and it did hit home. The best thing I can do is feel it as much as I need to, and allow myself to deepen in all areas from it.

Sending you all lots of love.

Jax

What I am Creating

  • A knowing so vast that I am filled with appreciation every morning I wake up.
  • The ability to keep noticing the small, beautiful, usually overlooked parts of life that bring me automatic joy. Like being able to save a snail from the road, watching the trees sway in the wind, hearing laughter, feeling the pen move across the paper, etc.
  • Boundless energy and focus for the things that bring me joy. Knowing that I am here to do exactly what makes me feel so alive.
  • Trust that whatever it is I am desiring to create first starts with my emotions, with my belief.
  • Allowing myself to feel whatever is coming up, but then the ability to easily move back into feeling capable, magical, solid, loved, and magnetic.
  • Make eye contact more often.
  • Send silent prayers more often to people I pass by. ‘May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you live in ease.’
  • When I see someone I feel less than around, I will remember that we are not that different. They have known heartache, they have felt less then, they know pain, they know sadness. I can send them love.
  • When I’m annoyed by someone, I will more often picture them as a young child, send them love, and remember they are doing the best they can with what they know.
  • When I forget and use unkind words towards myself, I will picture myself as little Jackie, and apologize. I am also doing the best I can with what I know.
  • More often throughout the day I will ask my soul what it needs, and appreciate the insight I am receiving.
  • Love deeper and fuller

Parenting Manifesto

Oh my gosh have you guys seen this? Maybe I am late to the game, but I just stumbled on this a couple weeks back. New plan! I’m going to print this (or write it up myself) for the house. What a wonderful way to live and parent. Ahhhh! I love love love it, and every time I read it, it makes me cry. I’d love to hear your thoughts… .xo Jax

parentingmanifesto

Appreciate Appreciate

I appreciate these amazing noise cancelling headphones so I completely feel like I’m in my own world.

I appreciate getting the house organized. The energy is improving!

I appreciate that the cat tree is moved close to the window so the kittens can enjoy the sun and look outside.

I appreciate watching the kids laugh and play out the window.

I appreciate being able to focus at the library and get done everything on my list.

I appreciate being reminded that me feeling good is the first step in creating the life I want, and enjoying the life I have.

I appreciate having the courage to say yes.

I appreciate being able to apologize to myself when I am not as compassionate as I would like to be.

I appreciate starting over with how I speak to myself if I need to.

I appreciate recognizing that I am making things harder than they need to be.

I appreciate being brave enough to feel my feelings when they come up instead of pushing them away.

I appreciate knowing that magic is all around me.

I appreciate listing off what I am grateful for in the morning.

I appreciate playing happy music while we get ready in the morning.

I appreciate listening to my body instead of judging.

I appreciate the sun on my cheeks.

I appreciate feeling calm when I go inside my closet.

I appreciate getting rid of clothes that do not spark joy.

I appreciate being in a relationship where we both show up the best way we can for each other.

I appreciate knowing that I can make changes with anything that isn’t working in my life.

I appreciate sore muscles.

I appreciate sore drawing fingers.

Forgive

This is just one of my many, many life lessons I’ve had recently that I thought I’d share. I’m getting better and better at it everyday!
Sending you all love, and hopefully you can forgive yourself as well. I’m sure you are doing the best you can with what you know.

xo

Becoming Younger

Hello everyone! Happy Monday! I try and get on here at least once a week on Monday’s. But last Monday my hubby and I were visiting his parents, so I wasn’t able to. 😦 Sheesh, it feels like it’s been FOREVER since I’ve written!

I was thinking about something a couple of days ago that I wanted to write about. I remember turning 25 and feeling this horrible rolling pain of insecurity, disgust, and panic. I was so afraid that I was getting OLD, running out of time and had nothing to show for it. It’s so funny to look back and realize how young I actually was.

Society (and social media lez be honest) tells us (subconsciously and blatantly) what we SHOULD have:

  1. Accomplished
  2. Experienced
  3. Purchased

by the time we are 21, or 25, or 30, or 35 or 40 and so on.

I know most of us get involved in some way or another in this anxious fear that:
Where we are isn’t right.
What we are doing isn’t enough.
Who we are isn’t okay.

Something that I am grateful for lately especially, is paving my own way, and enjoying it. I’ve always paved my own way, I’ve always created my own path, but I usually felt ashamed about doing it. I usually felt embarrassed and different and wrong.

Lately, I am seeing my creative veering spirit as a gift. I am finally acknowledging that I have never followed the herd, and that maybe that is okay. Maybe that is in fact PERFECT,.. for me. Maybe I have everything I need right now in this moment. Slowly, all of the yucky phrases I used to say to myself like: ‘You should have done more, you aren’t doing enough, you are wrong, you are bad, you must be lazy, you are different, you are ugly…’ are fading.

If I had to guess, I would say here is why that is happening:

  1. I’m making self care my top priority. I am constantly checking in with how I feel, and treating myself the way I would to a small child. If I am tired, I will take a nap. If I feel emotional, I will cry. I don’t need to know why, I don’t need to figure it out. And I certainly don’t tell myself that it’s silly.
  2. I’m allowing myself to feel the depth of my joy when I am doing the things that I love. For some reason this has been a hard one for me! Even when I am doing art, there is a tendency to check my texts, suddenly do a google search, or look through my email. Making art brings me so much unbelievable joy, but there has been a part of me that didn’t feel I deserve it. So instead, I stop messing with my phone, tune into what my soul is saying and what my an immense amount of joy actually feels like.
  3. Meditation. Okay so I’ve said that I meditate every morning. But that’s not entirely true. Every morning I have gone into my meditation closet with the intention of meditating. But also every morning my super sweet, yet annoying cat also comes in with me and spends the whole time climbing across my lap and meowing into my face. Most of my ‘meditation’ time has been used up quieting him and inside getting so so fucking irritated. Anyway,… now, I am spending the early session (with him climbing on me) acknowledging and listing everything I am grateful for. He loves the energy in my meditation room and eventually relaxes, but I am no longer pushing against him or needing him to be different. A little later in the morning when Nova is sleeping, I sit down to do my actual meditation. This way I can have a really wonderful meditation with no interruptus. 😉 Also I am using Deepak Chopra’s 30 day challenge that I found on YouTube.

It’s so funny how I felt so terrified and old and wrong when I was 25, and in this moment I am 13 years older. 
I actually feel a thousand times more
grounded, more grateful, more creative, more solid, more reverent, more brave, way more attractive, and with a knowing that gifts are continuously coming from the Universe.

I feel like it really is true that age is just a number, and we can become younger, calmer, stronger, lighter, and more patient.

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