Endless Loop?

Wow… It’s been OVER a month since I created a blog post. I can’t even believe it. I knew May was going to be full, and it was. I am just starting to get myself back on a schedule, an even better one, but I can’t believe  it’s been over a month. Sheesh!

Though I’m learning a lot  about myself every day, I’m aware that I don’t feel quite as confident as I would like. Even after all these years of growth and change, and new decisions, and speaking my truth, there are still voices that  show up in my head vicious and irritated.
Wishing that I was:
something different,
something more,
better,
faster,
more involved,
less involved,
more confident,
more of a fighter,
more social,
better in groups,
enough.
That still happens, and I can see my pattern. I can see where the blame and shame shows up, where I feel disgusted at myself, and where I feel like I would be enough if I just pushed a little harder.

I recently had a discussion about this sort of thing with my sister in law. And the question is; what if I don’t need to PUSH harder? Why do I always assume that if something is happening that I don’t like, that it’s my JOB to WORK HARDER to get where I want to go, or get a relationship to where I want it to be?

I don’t know.

I guess that was the way I was raised, right? That our job is to spin our wheels pushing fighting, pounding until we FIX it. Until we beat it to death, whatever it is. It’s so funny writing that out, because it’s not at all how I live my life, and not at all how I would want my kids to feel. And yet, there it is. The feeling that I am not enough and that I MUST exhaust every morsel of my being, and even then there is probably something wrong with me.

What if life gets to be easier than that? More at ease? Even though I resonate far more with ease, there is still a part of me that feels I need to push, jab, fight to move forward.

Maybe this is just a rambling post of me feeling lost and searching once again for a glimmer of my personal power. How no matter how much work we may do on ourselves, the mean self talk can still show up. And something I’m not even AWARE that the voice has stepped into my head.

I just start believing it.

My husband just told me earlier today that he loves every part of me. It  made me so sad, that we can so easily offer that to people we love,  but it is so hard to do for ourselves. Every part of ME? I mean, I accept more parts than I used to. I am grateful for more than I used to be. But there is still a lot of judgement voices. EVERY part of me? How wonderful that would be to just know who I am and accept and love myself fully. Is that even possible? Or is it an endless loop of feeling like we get close and then finding another issue/quirk/problem/mistake/flaw that we need to lean in to offering love to? Are we doing this when we are 90 no matter what? Or is there a way to get to the point of loving all of it?

I have to remember that even though I feel immersed in emotions and negative self talk, that doesn’t mean I am not growing and learning and moving forward. It doesn’t mean I am backpedaling or stuck, or incapable or wrong. It means maybe that there is another level that I can work through to be a better version of me.

Brene Brown


Okay so I love Brene, and I love her messages of Bravery and vulnerability and taking risks. We sat down with our 13 year old daughter to watch her Netflix video. Ah! You need to see it if you haven’t yet. It was cool because afterward K said that she thought Brene would be a cool person to meet. She said she seems really genuine and authentic. Even if what was spoken about doesn’t stick, at least she’s exposed to it, and will continue to be at our house. Yes! Proud bonus mom moment number 1000. 😉

Here is the preview of the movie if you haven’t yet seen it. Sooooo inspiring.

 

 

Shattered Reality

Yes it’s been a long time since I’ve written. Our son was visiting last week from his school in Boise, and I didn’t get a chance to do my blogging.

I’m writing from deep inside a fog right now.

Every morning that my hubby and I are at the gym, the news is blaring in front of us with terrible stories of fear and hatred and pain. I’ve always disliked being bombarded with such heaviness, especially in the morning, especially before I even really start my day. Unfortunately this morning, our community was on the news, unraveling, peeling, unearthing from the horrendous synagogue shooting on Saturday morning.

I think all of us are still in shock, with slivers of disbelief and moments of deep cutting pain.

This is something that happens in other places.

This is something that happens with other people.

Not here.

Not a mile from our house.

Fortunately our kids and my hubby’s family attend a different synagogue slightly further away. But this hits home so much more than we could have ever imagined.

Last night we attended the vigil and heard first hand the story retold by the Rabbi. There are so many excruciating details about the story and it’s easy to get overwhelmed with them. To constantly picture the horrible scene again and again, feeling myself being sucked into the story as if I were there.

The part that stands out for me the most through all the tragic details is the support, the love, the compassion, the bravery that we felt as we showed up to that vigil. It didn’t matter who was Jewish or not. There were people from all religions, ethnicities, backgrounds united in an event that has sent ripples of fear to everyone in the community.

I guess even as I write all this out, and feel the heaviness in my heart, there are gifts I am choosing to see.

  1. Life is fleeting. We don’t know what is going to happen today or tomorrow. Maybe the time to make amends is now. Maybe the time to be present, and love and be authentic is now. Maybe now is all we have. 
  2. In the face of tragedy, love shines through. People come together no matter how awful the reason. I am reminded that even though we get distracted, the reality is that we want to show up for others. We have empathy, and we want to feel connected. There is a lot more good than we realize.
  3. Bravery. I am baffled by the immense amount of bravery in not only this story but most of the hate crime tragedies. There are people taking extremely heroic risks. Could I be that brave? Am I brave? These acts are redefining what lengths we will go to to keep others safe. Although people may argue that humans are inherently selfish, surprisingly enough in the face of terror many are willing to react with bravery instinctually. I hope I could be the same. 

 

Just like I told my hubby, and I need to remind myself. It’s okay to be wherever I am right now. This was a tragedy, this was terrifying, and it did hit home. The best thing I can do is feel it as much as I need to, and allow myself to deepen in all areas from it.

Sending you all lots of love.

Jax

Appreciate Appreciate

I appreciate these amazing noise cancelling headphones so I completely feel like I’m in my own world.

I appreciate getting the house organized. The energy is improving!

I appreciate that the cat tree is moved close to the window so the kittens can enjoy the sun and look outside.

I appreciate watching the kids laugh and play out the window.

I appreciate being able to focus at the library and get done everything on my list.

I appreciate being reminded that me feeling good is the first step in creating the life I want, and enjoying the life I have.

I appreciate having the courage to say yes.

I appreciate being able to apologize to myself when I am not as compassionate as I would like to be.

I appreciate starting over with how I speak to myself if I need to.

I appreciate recognizing that I am making things harder than they need to be.

I appreciate being brave enough to feel my feelings when they come up instead of pushing them away.

I appreciate knowing that magic is all around me.

I appreciate listing off what I am grateful for in the morning.

I appreciate playing happy music while we get ready in the morning.

I appreciate listening to my body instead of judging.

I appreciate the sun on my cheeks.

I appreciate feeling calm when I go inside my closet.

I appreciate getting rid of clothes that do not spark joy.

I appreciate being in a relationship where we both show up the best way we can for each other.

I appreciate knowing that I can make changes with anything that isn’t working in my life.

I appreciate sore muscles.

I appreciate sore drawing fingers.

Forgive

This is just one of my many, many life lessons I’ve had recently that I thought I’d share. I’m getting better and better at it everyday!
Sending you all love, and hopefully you can forgive yourself as well. I’m sure you are doing the best you can with what you know.

xo

Passion and then WHAT?

I have always been excited about life. I have always been curious and fascinated and desiring to experience all. Of. It.

But one thing held me back from saying yes to EVERYTHING.

Art.

As interested and enamored and in awe as I have always been with the nuances of life, I also knew that if I ‘took on’ everything that caught my attention, there was a chance I would end up a shell that didn’t have any time for the one thing that fills me up more than most everything.

Making art. 

So I didn’t commit.

I didn’t take that class or research, or learn the things that gently knocked on my heart.

I’d get swept up for just a moment fantasizing about something new and adventurous, and at the last second I would decide not to take the plunge and explore down a different path.

When one has lived their life skipping from one piece of passion to another, and only moving forward when it’s hot and sizzling and wild, that are pieces that might have gotten missed.

I never followed a path that I laid out before me. Moving through it, sometimes slowly, just to get to the end. I would stop half way if it felt anything less than mountains moving.

I think in some ways I recognized that I had something really great. There are many people that don’t feel PASSION at all. The fact that I have it, I should probably hold onto it with tight fingers.
Hide it.
Keep it safe.
Make sure it doesn’t slip away, or worse, have it feel as if I am ungrateful or don’t care.

I guess by me always choosing art first AND ONLY, I felt like I was honoring the passion inside me. But I can see now that I was not respecting all parts of me.

I was always leaving the gnawing, whispering, playful questions at the backdoor. Unattended to. 

Maybe if I pursue/learn/dive in to all these new exciting curiosities, they may not feel the way art does.

Is that okay?

Maybe creating art is supposed to feel different for me. Maybe it will always be the place I can re-find me. Where I can curl up and breathe life back into my soul. Maybe that doesn’t happen with every activity/hobby/interest that I have.

Maybe these interests will STILL enhance my life.

Maybe I will STILL learn more about myself and my gifts.

As I ask myself these questions, I’ve decided that I no longer want to deny urges I have to experience life.
This year will be different.
This year I will move forward even with small quivers of my curiosities.
I will trust that what I’m curious about is there for a reason.

I will trust that there is so much more to discover about myself.

I will trust that life isn’t only buzzing, passionate smoldering energy. It is the space between as well. It is the not knowing, it is the dark lonely paths and uncharted heaviness. It is the light moments of joy that may not be connected to any depth.

I am going to discover all of those parts of myself as well.

Yea for the journey! Wow! I didn’t even know what I was going to write about when I sat down. This is what is so healing about writing. This blog is way more for me than anyone else. I am okay with no one ever reading it. What I get from just writing out my feelings is so phenomenal. If anyone happens to read it and understand or something connected for them through it, that’s great. But it’s not why I’m doing it. I love linking these thoughts and feelings together and walking away with a better understanding of who I am and what I want out of life. Yessssssssssss!

What have you discovered lately about yourself?

 

Kondoizing

Okay, so I had heard about Marie Kondo, and I had the INTENTION of reading her book a couple of years ago and being inspired. But I never got around to it. However, this past week I took a short trip back to Utah, and had a chance to catch a couple of her episodes on the Netflix show Tiding Up.

I had no idea what to expect. 

I had no idea that I would not only be excited to try her tricks, but that I would unexpectedly find myself emotional. I had no ideas that something so deep in me would be so awakened.

Fast forward to past weekend where I decided to fully Kondoize my closet. I piled everything onto bed in the guest bedroom, and got to work. The first thing I learned was that it was a lot easier to move through knowing what to keep and what to get rid of than what I had originally thought. Instead of asking myself a myriad of questions about the function and how well it works, and if it was a gift, etc. etc. blah blah blah

I had one question.

Does this spark joy? 

Usually the answer was a quick, electric jolt of a yes or no. Usually the answer had been there all along, but I had never asked the question.

The best part for me is how Marie taught people to say thank you to the items they were getting rid of. For some reason that woke me up. I felt it. I think all too often we are harsh. Harsh to ourselves, harsh to other people, harsh to our things. I really resonate with the experience of thanking everything for being a part of our life, even if the time has come to an end.

Anyway, I spent half of Saturday and all of Sunday clearing my closet and my chest of drawers. I can’t  believe how magnificent it was! As it was reaching 7pm on Sunday, I had been going all day, and I realized that I didn’t feel tired at all. I felt rejuvenated, relaxed, excited, pulsing, alive, and like I could breathe again.

shirt.jpeg

drawers.jpeg

I knew I had a lot of stuff, but I didn’t really think about the fact that so much old energy was being stuffed into my space. No wonder our space has felt heavy and thick and full. There was no movement! No flow!

The part of all of this that is so phenomenal to me, is that asking this question could have made my life WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY less cluttered years ago! I had never once lived my life with so much authenticity like what I am learning right now. All of the items I’ve kept out of sheer uncaring, or gifts from obligation, or piles of STUFF that could have been thrown out forever ago if i asked myself that ONE question.

Does it spark JOY?

Wow. What an exciting way to honor ourselves with items and feelings that ARE US. This is one of the highest forms of self respect, and I am doing it. I  feel like my entire life is changing. Ha!

Today I will excitedly tackle my nightstand and bathroom with grace and gratitude. I can’t wait for our entire house to be Konzoized!

Evolve

I love this. It reminds me to move through with compassion and trust. We can do this, but it is always a choice. xo

evolvechange

 

 

Old Friends Same Love

Hello! Wow, it’s been so long since I’ve written. I hope the holidays went well for everyone.

I’m working through some feelings about old friends. I think I have probably always seen my life as seasons and chapters. In one chapter these people where the ones I was super close to, or in this one, I was doing these things, and had this friend. Seeing life this way has made it a lot easier for me to recognize that these people were in it for that specific time and place, for lessons I needed to learn, and they aren’t necessarily going to be in all parts of my life. Now that’s not true for everyone. There are some friends where we have walked through more than one chapter together, hand in hand, and it’s been exactly what both of us needed. But when that happens, I think it’s because we were both learning and growing together, and from each other. Once the growth doesn’t feel in sync anymore, it makes sense that the relationship isn’t as strong, or it just goes away.

Even though I really get this intellectually, and have seen it play out many times in my life, it still makes me sad when I think about old friends. I feel sad that I don’t push to have them in my life, even if I know we are in different places. I feel guilty that I’m not missing them the way I feel I SHOULD.

I love my old friends. The ones that were with me through so much. The very small, few that knew everything about me, and I knew everything about them. I miss feeling like I had those select people where we could talk and laugh for hours. I miss feeling that comfortable with someone. I miss that we could finish each other’s sentences or give each other a LOOK and we knew exactly what that meant.

There is a lot that I miss. 

But I’ve changed. I’ve changed a lot. Some of these friends, it’s been 20 years since we were close. That’s a whole lifetime! I wouldn’t even recognize myself. For other friends, it’s been more of a slow burn. Maybe we stayed friends longer than we should of, but because of the love we both had, we stayed? For those friends, I’ve also changed.

I don’t miss the relationship.

I don’t miss feeling like I couldn’t fully speak my truth. I don’t miss feeling like we couldn’t work through anything.

Growth is hard I am realizing. I love learning about myself and growing, but this is one of those horribly painful growing pains. I’m just unable to swallow down how I feel anymore, and I can’t keep old relationships alive if that is what it takes. I would have loved it if we had moved at the same pace, if we had worked towards similar things. But I can see now that ‘my way’ isn’t the right way.

It’s just different. 

So in order for me to take care of ME, to honor ME, I will send love.

I will send the love that has always been there from the beginning of our friendship. But I need to hold myself up with more love than I have before, and I cannot settle when it doesn’t feel right.

I love you for the memories we had together, for having you to tell my secrets to, for feeling included and safe in your presence. I will always love you and I will continue to send you love as you journey through your life.

 

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