This all used to be really hard. In my head, these two little beings already had a mom and a dad and I was this new person swimming somewhere in the middle of everything. I didn’t know what I was doing and constantly felt like I didn’t have a place.
For so long I did not see myself as a mother. I felt like more like an imposter, a projected image of what I thought I should be and yet having no clue at all. I also felt that they would never love me as much as their ‘real parents.’
I was embarrassed that ‘real’ parents would see me as a fake mom or that I just couldn’t possibly understand what it means to be someone’s mother.
But I held on.
I breathed.
I asked for help.
I believed deep inside that this must be for a reason. I must be here for a reason.
And then, fast forward 5+ years and here I sit a completely changed woman.
Without a doubt, I have become a mother.
I have rocked both of them when they have been in tears.
I tell them no, respectfully.
We have worked through some really really tough situations together.
Sometimes I have to remember to be kind.
They roll their eyes when I sing 80’s ballads at the top of my lungs.
There are moments when they are upset and needing to hear something that will help. I open my mouth and pray that I will show up.
I fiercely stand up for them.
I am learning to be more patient.
I hold their hands and remind them I will always love them no matter what.
I teach them consciously but they teach me unconsciously far, far more.
My intention is to truly see them as best as I can. And when I’ve done that, I will learn how to see them even better.
I had no idea I had what it took to be a mother and yet here I am. And you know what? It doesn’t matter at all anymore that they already have a mom. Who says one mother is enough anyway?
Every single day, hard days or easy, I thank the Universe and God for this family. My ‘place’ had been waiting for me all along, and there is no ‘place’ in the world I would rather be.
Sunshine and Cerulean 
This is beautiful. I think so many people don’t get the struggle of feeling like an outsider. It’s even harder if you don’t have your own kids and are not sure how to be a “mother”. Thank you for sharing and giving me hope!
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Oh thank you! I agree,.. it’s extremely hard, and sometimes I feel better than others. But I think I am getting better at accepting that I don’t have control over everything. And that being me is the best thing I can do.
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You hit the nail right on the head! I feel as if I am an outsider sometimes, as if I am a puzzle piece that doesn’t quite fit.
I love my little boy so much, I couldn’t imagine a life without him.
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