Your Musts

I was listening to Tony Robbins the other day….

Okay lemee explain. First of all I’ve KNOWN about Tony Robbins for years. All I knew about him what that he is this huge loud dude that resembles a G.I. Joe. But I’ve been looking for a bit of inspiration lately, I thought I would broaden my horizons.

Normally I love a little Abraham Hicks in my life, but you know, it’s easy to get complacent and it’s nice to veer down other paths.

I’ve set GOALS for a long time, and unfortunately have a difficult time sticking to them. I want to move forward, I want to look back and FEEL like I’ve accomplished. And yet, that has been an area I’ve really struggled with in my life. I used to not finish art pieces like I know I’ve written about before. Now I do that, but there are so many awesome ideas I have where I don’t have a PLAN, and they end up never getting created.

Anyway, I turned Tony on, and though he is a bit loud and pushy for my taste, there was some great nuggets that I can try for transformation.

One of the things I heard was that we don’t get our goals, we get our MUSTS. He says that if we just ‘set goals,’ it’s easy to not follow through. But if we really ask ourselves what we MUST do, then we will find a way.

Woa.

Like you guys have heard me mention a 1000 times, it’s much easier for me to spend all my time and energy choosing things that can help the kids, or even Andy. It’s much easier to do all of that then to
CHOOSE JACKIE. 

But at the end of the day, what are my MUSTS? 

I don’t want to look back at my life and see that I ONLY did a lot of the kids and others that I love but that I NEVER fully lived to MY POTENTIAL.
I know I have a whole world of things inside me to create,
and be
and do.

It’s my JOB, it’s my DUTY to do them.

So those have to be my MUSTS.

What are you here to do that you haven’t been doing???

I realized that if I can picture myself as a little girl, it’s easier to show up for me. The little girl with the dark eyes and the super chubby cheeks.

I’m not going to let her down.

I MUST create,

I MUST allow my creativity to flourish.
For her,
for me.

So what do you guys think? Does goal setting work for you? What do you think about the concept of getting our MUSTS? I’d love to hear YOUR thoughts as well!

xo Jax

 

 

What Do You Do?

WHAT DO YOU DO? 

Ahhjjajse4vnsedrlflsfv! The question I have dreaded for years seems to creep it’s sneaky little head again into my existence.

I have hated this question since the beginning.

I guess I have just never been sure how to answer it. I mean, when I was working at a large recruiting firm and making great money, I hated the question. I knew that what I WAS DOING TO BRING IN A PAYCHECK, had nothing to do with WHO I AM AS A HUMAN. In fact, I hated my job. I cried almost everyday. I wanted nothing more than to be making art. But when I was asked this ‘what do you do,’ question, I gave a brief, quick, emotionless answer. I didn’t mention that my SOUL is an artist and always has been. I never talked about how I DO yoga, and I DO spirituality and I feel pain in other people’s bodies. I would immediately sum up the job I went to for 8 hours a day into a nice little packet, since I assumed that is what the question called for.

But I didn’t feel seen.
I didn’t feel that suddenly this person GOT me as a human or that we were able to maybe CONNECT on a deeper level. It just became a canned response to rattle off if someone in a half listening haze were to ask it.

Fast forward years later and I was working at a company where I liked my coworkers and occasionally got to use my gifts. I talked to people and got to help them and I laughed and for the most part felt like myself. But then again that sneaky little weird question would come up outside of work. ‘So,… what do YOU do?’ I felt awkward telling my memorized reply of being a project manager for a software company. It wasn’t interesting enough to have anyone WANT to ask a question about it.

In fact, I felt like a liar. 

I WASN’T A PROJECT MANAGER. I am an empathetic woman that is really good at talking to people. I am full of light and joy. I am eternally an artist. (My art journal sat on my lap so I could draw during calls.) I am able to laugh at myself and people feel comfortable talking about their own mistakes. I am a teacher, and enjoyed showing and sharing. And the whole time I wanted to be making art. Just making making making….

Uhhhhh I could never say all that! ahahha

Fast forward again…. My hubby wants me to fully show up exactly as I want to.

So I am making art.

I am working on a website. I am learning how to push through even when I am struggling or don’t understand something. I am an artist, and finally get to be one everyday.

Nowadays when people ask this super surface sad question, I tell people I am an artist. Because I am. It doesn’t matter how much I’ve sold or not. I have never cared about that anyway.
The way I see things is as an artist.
The way I feel things straight to my core is an artist.
An artist may draw or paint or write or create anything, or just notice the tiny little details of life.
Even this is confusing for people.

They don’t know what to make out of this answer because they can’t put me in a box.

I can feel their brain bursting with, ‘WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? DOES SHE SELL? HOW MUCH? HOW OFTEN? WHO KNOWS HER? How many followers on Instagram does she have? What is happening here? SO DOES SHE NOT WORK???’

I guess those are all valid questions for someone that only measures success by money. But if you were to feel that money is just as small percentage of the abundance that surrounds us, you probably wouldn’t get hung up on my answer. By me stating that I am an artist, I am sharing far more with you than just a job description. I am sharing how my soul was made. I am sharing everything I have judged and feared and wished was different about myself.
I am sharing my very essence.
It’s funny how writing all that out is actually teaching me in the moment how I really feel.

But then my stepdaughter asked me the other day, “So what DO YOU DO? I mean like, WHAT IS YOUR JOBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB?” And for some reason my confidence all went away. It’s probably because her mother is a hardcore intellectual, and works 80+ hours a week at a job she hates. So I guess there was a feeling that I was going to get judged. But I was super uncomfortable with the question!

I sort of mumbled something about art and websites and then changed the subject. I felt so out of my body.

Days later I realize that she wasn’t trying to be rude, she was just curious. And if ANYONE is going to lead her to follow her truth, it’ll be me.
It will be.

If anyone is going to show her that she can DO AND BE AND HAVE anything she wants, it’ll be me.

But! I need to OWN my journey before I can properly explain it to her. If I am looking for approval from her, or needing her to get it, or agree, or have what I say be enough, then I am not helping. I need to OWN all of me and then speak from the truth of that.

Ahhhhh…. writing this has been so validating. I love not knowing what is going to come out until I sit down at the computer.

Why do most of us spend so much of our time and energy not feeling like we are enough?

What if we are EXACTLY enough in every way? All these years of wishing I was different, I am just going to start embracing who I am so I can help my daughter do the same.

 

 

Becoming An Adult

Shhhhhhit it’s about time!

So I’ve realized something sorta funny. I get so super excited to start a new piece that I tend to not really be aware of the materials I’m using. This has been a problem for years, it’s not at all new. But the idea of MAKING DRAFTS of anything is very nauseating, and I have this belief that my piece will end up feeling less intuitive. So I’d just start with a lot of excitement and vigor and then suddenly realize the paper is sucky or the pen is writing like crap with the particular paint. Silly mistakes. Mistakes I DIDN’T need to discover IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ACTUAL ART PIECE.

I end up super annoyed that my piece isn’t as good as it could have been.

Oh Gawd this is soooooo obviously self sabotage. 

I can see that by NOT planning, and then creating something that has obvious material issues, I can blame the problems with the piece on that. Instead of PREPARING and oh no, what if I STILL DON’T LIKE IT?

Or what if I do?

Funny how our self sabotage brain can be oh so sneaky.

So because I can see it all pretty damn clear, I decided to do something I’ve never done before.

Make freakin’ notes. 

I even had to document it with this photo, that’s how rare it is. Ya you’re not gunna get the best of me again SELF SABOTAGE BULLSHIT BRAIN, (or SSBB).

So once again, I need to figure out the BALANCE between 2 extremes.

  1. Loving to organically create through my intuition,
  2. But ALSO use materials that I KNOW will give me the effect that I want.

Huh. Big thoughts here people. Big adult thinking going on.

All I can say is bring it on!

 

Cayce Zavaglia

What??!

Wow! I happened to be surfing Instagram when I came across this gem. These are hyper-realistic portraits made from silk, cotton and wool.

I am so unbelievably fascinated!

cayce zavaglia

The part that I found to be even cooler, is that the back of the embroidery is just as incredible, if not more. Wow! There is so much life and power and movement just beyond what we would normally see. Sheesh…

cayce z back side

Check her out:
https://www.instagram.com/caycezavagliastudio/
http://www.caycezavaglia.com/

xo Jax

Sheila Arora

Scoping through Instagram is the best way to find interesting artists.  This girl popped into my search, and I was instantly drawn to her work. If you don’t like getting messy (or seeing messy), this won’t be your thing. But I love it. I love the unfinished, in the middle of, passionately moving through sorta look. Her pieces feel like time is moving around me, like I’m standing on the platform as the subway rushes by. Or that I can barely make out diamonds in a rainstorm.

http://www.thomasmastersgallery.com/current/
https://www.instagram.com/sheilakarora/

Check her out when you get a chance!

sheilaarora painting

Intention

I know, it’s been forever since I’ve written on this blog. The last couple of weeks have been extremely stressful, and I’ve gone back to the basics, meditation and making art. Sometimes I feel like I’m not doing enough. Enough marketing! Enough working on my website! Enough learning Photoshop. But honestly, I am slowly learning that getting myself into a good place is more important than writing on this, or sending my art out into social media. I just need to reclaim Jackie, and I know how to do it.

Anyway, this is a piece I made while thinking of the concept of ‘Intention.’ The way a direction, an intention moves through us, sinking into our reality. This is what happened when I painted intention. I appreciate the movement of it and the way it feels like it’s burrowing into something, planting. These current pieces I’m working on are showcasing the paint instead of letting the pen stand out. I feel like my style is coming out of this. ah!

This was so much fun and I can’t wait to create more based on feelings and affirmations I want to experience more in my life. YEsssssssssssssss

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