Tag: mother

Holy Hell

Holy hell it’s been awhile since I’ve posted. Sheesh! Actually it’s been awhile since I’ve done much of anything it feels like. I’ve started just making sure that I am making art, doing some writing, meditating, and the rest feels like it’s been driving Brian to/from school, and family stuff.

Something you may not know about me (why would you, I don’t tell anyone) is that I would like to have a baby. I think I’ve avoided coming out and saying that for a couple of reasons.

1. Everyone I know already has kids, and I feel like I’m starting late. So this has caused years of back and forth with should I or shouldn’t I? Do I want it or not. I think I was afraid people in my life would think it was a stupid idea, or that friends wouldn’t stick around. Funny, it sounds so silly when I spell it out.

2.  My husband has 2 kids, and quite honestly, especially this year, I feel like I’ve got them as well. Why would he want to start over with me? I mean he says he does, but for YEARS (literally for years) I denied my true feelings about having kids because I thought it would scare him away.

The truth is I want to be a mother.

My hubby and I have been getting acupuncture every week for months to help with fertility. My cycle has always been super long, and it really hasn’t changed at all since I’ve started this. Last week the acupuncturist mentioned she could tell I’ve got a lot of emotions that need to be released and she suggested doing some writing and FEELING. I am very familiar with Morning Pages. I did Artists Way 3-4 times and it was so incredible for me, so I thought why not, I can start those again. I gotta tell you though, at first even thinking about writing my thoughts down on paper, no matter what they were was giving me so much anxiety. I don’t know, I guess I was afraid of what I would find. But I started them anyway. Suddenly I am in a place of digging deeper into my psyche than I have in awhile. I am making all these connections and hidden realizations again! Ha!

I feel 1000 times more connected to myself than I have been in a long, long time.

This has been extremely helpful.

A couple of days ago during a writing sess, I realized something. I’ve been so drained, so emotionally trashed from running here and there, recalling our lists, contacting the kids mom, driving Brian, having parent convo’s, working things out with teachers, having more issues with him, etc. I realized that all of this, this parenting stuff could be the very thing that is preventing my body from figuring out my cycle. It’s like I don’t have the space to bring a new baby into the world.

There isn’t enough of ME to do it.

After talking to the acupuncturist yesterday, she confirmed it. She said that my body probably feels like I am already a mother, so why would it need to be more of one? It was a really sad realization. I am giving so much of myself, and yet, in this situation there is NO boundaries with my limit, or my role. It’s just this free for all that I keep jumping into over and over again. Maybe all of this needed to happen so I could see the truth of the situation. I know I have the power to change it, I do. I can make any changes I need, because I am not going to allow whatever outside forces there are to stop me from getting what it is that I want

FOR MY LIFE.

It’s hard because when I’m around these kids, I love them, I want to show up the best that I can. Especially because their MOTHER can’t mother, she can’t show emotions, or empathize so I’m automatically without even thinking, taking it all on. Unfortunately, no matter how much I do for them, and love them and try to give them what I think they are missing out on, it’s not enough. Though I think they appreciate it, the truth is, they want their MOM to give it. They will always want their mom to give those things.

So how can I be there, but not be so emotionally drained by all of it? I don’t want to disconnect. I don’t want to be uninterested. That’s not who I am, but how do I take care of ME at the same time preserving my emotional balance?

I would love any advice from someone that has gone through a similar situation. My acupuncturist said it’s very common for women that are taking on families like this to struggle with having their own kid. Please send any helpful info my way. I know there is a better way to balance things. I would love to hear any thoughts!

Sending you all love and light…

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Manifesting Mother

It’s been a long time since I’ve actually written WRITTEN about my life and my lessons. I had an interesting experience a couple weeks ago that has been a total reset in my life.

Years ago I shared spiritual books with my mother about healing our bodies with our thoughts, visualizations, and focusing on what we appreciate to bring forth what we want in our lives. I remember being so excited to share these things with her. I bought her a book and assumed we would have long chats about it.

However,… it just didn’t stick.

She was in a different place in her life, and even though I was disappointed, I had to let go and let it be.

At the beginning of this year, something pretty amazing happened. My mother got a hold of a book that completely inspired her. She called me in a state of utter joy from the things she was learning about the Universe. All of a sudden, her life began to shift. She started visualizing a new place to live, trusting that it would come to her at the right moment. She began focusing on the parts of her life that she loves.

The words came to her when SHE needed to hear them, and they were written perfectly FOR HER.

Out of nowhere she found this incredible apartment, paid for the first month before her house even had thoughts of selling, and right away her life began taking off in new directionS. The amount of trust she had just blows me away.

Fast forward a couple months, she is in this perfect cabiny apartment with hiking trails around the back, an amazing view, horses in the front, the opportunity to swim in a salt water pool, new, spiritual friends coming out of the woodwork, and the incredible belief that the Universe has her back.

It’s funny, though these have been my beliefs for quite some time, I was getting off track like we all do. I felt tired a lot and was back and forth exhausting my thoughts with things that aren’t working instead of inspiring myself with what is.

Visiting her, and experiencing the magic that just surrounded her wherever she went, was exactly the medicine I needed.

Here I was attempting to TEACH her years ago, and she ends up being the missing piece for me.

Being in her little cabin brought chills to my arms. It is so absolutely HER that I felt like I was in a movie. Wow!

I came home with a new zest for life.  A new clarity that the Universe always has our back, and that appreciating where we are now and expecting even more gifts, is what it is all about.

I am so inspired, and love how I am constantly guided to experience exactly what I need at all times.

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What the HELL is my role

The biggest question of my life right now,…

What is my role????

I’ve told myself I am confused about this question because

I am a stepmom.

Right away the words STEPMOM fill the room with hazy smoke, the kind where you can’t see 2 feet in front of you, and you suddenly have no idea where you even are. Just THE WORD is full of questions. 

But then for some of us, the role gets even stickier.

I’m not ‘just a stepmom.’

In fact, I am the kids main emotional support. I am the instigator, I am the listening ear, I am the one figuring things out, communicating with teachers, connecting the dotes, finding therapists, locating new schools, discussing, giving consequences, and driving all over the place.

It’s a strange dynamic because I enjoy being a part of a family. I love being relied on and knowing that they can trust me to follow through.

But,… I’m not the mom. I’m just a stepmom.

Right?

Am I only doing these extra things because their MOM can’t? No,… that’s not entirely  true. My love for them continuously grows the more I do. The more I learn about who they are and what they need, the more I want to show up.

Because I love them.

And then again there are times when I get super annoyed that their ACTUAL mom doesn’t know even a morsel about them. I get angry, and I feel taken advantage of, and I want to step down.

But what would I be stepping down from when my ROLE was never established in the first place?

What would I do if I ‘stepped down?’

Who would fill these roles if I didn’t?

So I go back and forth between feeling obligated and then really wanting to show up. Sometimes I have lots of energy for it and I feel empowered and strong. Other times I’m seething with anger and want to scream at everyone.

My feelings go back and forth, just like the hazy, muddy, slightly skewed title of ‘stepmom.’

I was thinking about this today as I was doing yoga.

MY ROLE is all over the place and nowhere and has no definition and is yet all encompassing. I was starting to get anxious just thinking about it.

But then I realized something else.

Why am I so special?

I mean, am I the ONLY one that doesn’t have a clearly DEFINED role?

I’ve been so caught up in my STEPMOM identity and what that means or doesn’t mean, that I didn’t give myself a chance to check out everyone else.

Maybe the reason this has been so confusing for me, is that we ALL seem to have some weird idea that our ROLES, any of them, should be clearly defined and explained.

We must feel like we SHOULD know exactly what it means to be a good wife, or good friend, or great sister or daughter, or excellent employee.

We SHOULD have learned what the parameters are, what is expected, what isn’t, how we can EXCEL, etc.

The more I think about it, there isn’t one single thing in life that is surrounded by clearly created black and white boundaries and definitions, right?

What if the very concept of ROLE is just bullshit?

What if it completely depends on who the person is and their intention for how they want to show up in the world? Wow. That just took a lot of pressure off my shoulders. Seriously, I felt them just fall.

What if I don’t need to do ANYTHING to perfect my ROLE. 

What if I just get to be Jackie? I can do more or less depending on what I feel, but I don’t need to have all the answers, and I certainly don’t need to FEEL like I have to do anything. I’ve just decided while writing this that my only requirement is that I’ll do everything with lots of love. Love for the kids, and my husband, and his ex-wife, and my family, and my friends,…

But most importantly, I can have a lot of love for myself, and let myself OFF THE ROLE HOOK!

 

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My Life as a Bonus Mom

This all used to be really hard. In my head, these two little beings already had a mom and a dad and I was this new person swimming somewhere in the middle of everything. I didn’t know what I was doing and constantly felt like I didn’t have a place.

For so long I did not see myself as a mother. I felt like more like an imposter, a projected image of what I thought I should be and yet having no clue at all. I also felt that they would never love me as much as their ‘real parents.’

I was embarrassed that ‘real’ parents would see me as a fake mom or that I just couldn’t possibly understand what it means to be someone’s mother.

But I held on.
I breathed.
I asked for help.
I believed deep inside that this must be for a reason. I must be here for a reason.

And then, fast forward 5+ years and here I sit a completely changed woman.

Without a doubt, I have become a mother.

I have rocked both of them when they have been in tears.
I tell them no, respectfully.
We have worked through some really really tough situations together.
Sometimes I have to remember to be kind.
They roll their eyes when I sing 80’s ballads at the top of my lungs.
There are moments when they are upset and needing to hear something that will help. I open my mouth and pray that I will show up.
I fiercely stand up for them.
I am learning to be more patient.
I hold their hands and remind them I will always love them no matter what.
I teach them consciously but they teach me unconsciously far, far more.
My intention is to truly see them as best as I can. And when I’ve done that, I will learn how to see them even better.

I had no idea I had what it took to be a mother and yet here I am. And you know what? It doesn’t matter at all anymore that they already have a mom. Who says one mother is enough anyway?

Every single day, hard days or easy, I thank the Universe and God for this family. My ‘place’ had been waiting for me all along, and there is no ‘place’ in the world I would rather be.

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Curiousssssssssssssss

Today is my official ‘Remain Curious’ day.
For New Years 4 months ago, my official word for the year was ‘Curious.’ I had dedicated it to just. being. curious. It’s okay to get excited about NEW ADVENTURES and EXCITING CHANGE and become PASSIONATE and ALIVE! But! It doesn’t need to be the end all. I can just be curious, check it out. Leaving the f**kin pressure behind!

It’s easy for me to get a little off track as the months roll by, so this morning I’m bringing myself back.
Instead of stressing out and feeling shame and blame and lots of have to’s, I’m going to remain curious,… with everything.
What is it I’m feeling?
Could I try out that new idea and see where it leads? It’s okay if it doesn’t work, but it might be fun!
What do I need?
What is my heart saying?
There is no have to, there is no SHOULD. I’m just allowing curiosity to move through my body. And it feels like such an easier way to live! Ha! I’ve made my life way harder than it needed to be. 

And so, to all of you out there,.. I’m sending you all lots of love and hoping that you too are discovering little life hacks of your own, that make your life MORE FUN, MORE RELAXING, MORE DELIGHTFUL in every way.

xo

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Woa I’m back

Oh my gosh I can’t believe it’s been 11 days since I’ve written! Sooo crazy.

In the past, I would have gotten really angry at myself for not sticking to what I PROMISED I WOULD,.. but now it’s a different story. It’s more like, uh okay, it’s been awhile since I’ve written a blog, that’s okay. I’ve been doing other things that have been equally important. I can get right back into it!

Sometimes life is a bit crazy and unexpected, and I’m learning how to go with the flow and not judge myself the way I used to. I want my life to be full of experiences and adventures, and in order for that to happen, I have to be open to the unexpected!

About a week and a 1/2 ago, my siblings and I, and my hubby and step kids all came down to Utah to surprise my mother for her 60th birthday. She had thought we were all just too busy to be with her! Ahhh!! It was soooooooooooooooo hard to keep it a secret. In fact, I so wanted to write about it on here, but there was a CHANCE that she’d read it. Ha! That would have been bad.

Anyway, we all arrived at the school my mother teaches at around 1pm. Oh my gosh all of us were so excited, we could barely hold still. My stomach was jumping all over the place. Ahhahaseriasdfvcni!!!!!!!

We managed to find someone in the office to video tape her. I am really glad we did. My brother suggested it, and it turned out to be the best idea ever. Usually I get too excited for stuff like this and just go for it, forgetting to have it recorded.

Anyway, the weather was FREEZING. It was seriously SNOWING the last week of April, so we were all huddled together in the car before walking to her portable classroom for the surprise. hahah So funny and unexpected.

The entire weekend turned out to be amazing. My mother was so surprised to see all of us, and absolutely shocked to see Tyson, my brother who flew all the way over from Germany. We gave her 30 minutes to pack and then took her to Park City for an overnight trip.

I think one of the reasons that the weekend was so awesome, was the fact that my hubby and I decided that we didn’t need it to LOOK LIKE ANYTHING. In the past, I would have gotten so wrapped up in what I THOUGHT IT SHOULD BE, that I would have been stressed out making sure it was perfect. Wow. It was so much easier to be IN THE MOMENT knowing that it was going to move whatever way it needed to. We were all engaged, and we went with the flow.

Another reason I think it was so good, was because we worked out our intentions for the trip. It’s so easy to get caught up in the details of a vacation, or a birthday, or a surprise, that we can forget WHY we are even doing it. So I made sure that the whole time we were together, I was remembering my intention for being there in the first place.

To celebrate my mother.

Whatever that meant in the moment, was what I wanted to do.

For me, having the intention broad enough was helpful so I didn’t feel limited. I wasn’t needing anyone to FEEL anything. I didn’t need to ACCOMPLISH anything. I was just going to be in a place of love and celebration, and hopefully that would be easily felt. We all ended up having fun and feeling so much joy! It was seriously one of the best memories of all of us together.

This reminded me that I can do this sort of thing more often! I can set my intentions, and then practice being in the moment, allowing life to unravel the way it needs to. I felt more myself, and felt like there was space for me to just BE ME!

Ahhhh! So happy to be back on the blog!

xo

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