Doodle?

Whenever I am gliding a pen across the paper, and someone makes a comment, I uncomfortably always say ‘Augh it’s nothing, I am just doodling. I am just playing.’

Which,… is true in a sense. Creating art this way by allowing my mind to relax and trusting the pen to move as it must, is the ultimate restorative, gentle, emotive activity that brings me right back to who I am where I feel solid and full and alive.

However, the words that come out of my mouth sounds as if what I am doing is suddenly so minuscule, so silly, a time waster. Which is exactly what I always felt it was,
a HUGE WASTE OF TIME. 

This got me thinking….

What is the actual definition of ‘doodle’ anyway?
Well, I looked it up.

Doodle: To scrawl aimlessly, to fritter away time, to scribble absentmindedly.

Huh. Wow. That doesn’t sound amazing. So I looked up absentmindedly so I could get a complete view at all of this.

Absentmindedly: So lost in thought that one does not realize what one is doing; preoccupied with something else. Absent, inattentive.

No wonder I haven’t felt ‘doodle’ suits me! None of this is true! Sure I am relaxed when I am creating, but I am buzzing with joy and gratitude and play and I am definitely AWARE of what I am doing. There is no part of the definition that is about being in a place of bliss or meditation or even being remotely creative. And ABSENT!??? Uh no.

Wow. Isn’t this fascinating how words carry so much energy? Some words don’t fit at all even though we keep using them. This is so funny, I have felt such a disconnect from that word which has made me feel like I’m not a real artist, like I’m such a silly bullshitter.

I think I am going to eliminate the word DOODLE out of my vocabulary entirely. I mean, I can do that. The word has made me feel small and insignificant and there is no reason at all for that.

From now on I am CREATING.

I am an artist, I am not a silly doodler.