- A knowing so vast that I am filled with appreciation every morning I wake up.
- The ability to keep noticing the small, beautiful, usually overlooked parts of life that bring me automatic joy. Like being able to save a snail from the road, watching the trees sway in the wind, hearing laughter, feeling the pen move across the paper, etc.
- Boundless energy and focus for the things that bring me joy. Knowing that I am here to do exactly what makes me feel so alive.
- Trust that whatever it is I am desiring to create first starts with my emotions, with my belief.
- Allowing myself to feel whatever is coming up, but then the ability to easily move back into feeling capable, magical, solid, loved, and magnetic.
- Make eye contact more often.
- Send silent prayers more often to people I pass by. ‘May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you live in ease.’
- When I see someone I feel less than around, I will remember that we are not that different. They have known heartache, they have felt less then, they know pain, they know sadness. I can send them love.
- When I’m annoyed by someone, I will more often picture them as a young child, send them love, and remember they are doing the best they can with what they know.
- When I forget and use unkind words towards myself, I will picture myself as little Jackie, and apologize. I am also doing the best I can with what I know.
- More often throughout the day I will ask my soul what it needs, and appreciate the insight I am receiving.
- Love deeper and fuller
The ones who want to make a freakin’ huge change in their lives! ha
Wow I can’t believe it’s already Monday again and the month of August is moving right along. Sheesh…. It seems like so long ago thinking back to last year at this time…. Getting Brian into a new school and preparing to do 3 hours of driving a day. Just to get him into a better environment. I was so willing to do whatever it took. Though I’m grateful I was like that, grateful I put everything aside for that, let me tell you, I am so happy for the lessons I have learned.
I know I wrote a post a couple weeks ago about staying in my own lane and not jumping in to FIX situations/people/experiences, etc. And since then, I’ve really chilled the f*** out.
Not that life has gotten easier by any means, but I feel LESS RESPONSIBLE, and have been pretty good at reminding myself of the boundaries I need to keep FOR ME so I can show up the best for myself and others.
It’s such a funny thing this boundary thing. It’s not about other people (since unfortunately we can’t control them anyway), it’s about ME. I have to stop MYSELF from doing things out of HABIT that I will later regret.
I am the only one in charge of creating the life I want.
Whenever I am gliding a pen across the paper, and someone makes a comment, I uncomfortably always say ‘Augh it’s nothing, I am just doodling. I am just playing.’
Which,… is true in a sense. Creating art this way by allowing my mind to relax and trusting the pen to move as it must, is the ultimate restorative, gentle, emotive activity that brings me right back to who I am where I feel solid and full and alive.
However, the words that come out of my mouth sounds as if what I am doing is suddenly so minuscule, so silly, a time waster. Which is exactly what I always felt it was,
a HUGE WASTE OF TIME.
This got me thinking….
What is the actual definition of ‘doodle’ anyway?
Well, I looked it up.
Doodle: To scrawl aimlessly, to fritter away time, to scribble absentmindedly.
Huh. Wow. That doesn’t sound amazing. So I looked up absentmindedly so I could get a complete view at all of this.
Absentmindedly: So lost in thought that one does not realize what one is doing; preoccupied with something else. Absent, inattentive.
No wonder I haven’t felt ‘doodle’ suits me! None of this is true! Sure I am relaxed when I am creating, but I am buzzing with joy and gratitude and play and I am definitely AWARE of what I am doing. There is no part of the definition that is about being in a place of bliss or meditation or even being remotely creative. And ABSENT!??? Uh no.
Wow. Isn’t this fascinating how words carry so much energy? Some words don’t fit at all even though we keep using them. This is so funny, I have felt such a disconnect from that word which has made me feel like I’m not a real artist, like I’m such a silly bullshitter.
I think I am going to eliminate the word DOODLE out of my vocabulary entirely. I mean, I can do that. The word has made me feel small and insignificant and there is no reason at all for that.
From now on I am CREATING.
I am an artist, I am not a silly doodler.
Helloooooo Monday! Oh my gosh you should see the RAIN! It seriously won’t stop. I feel both amazing and a little like I’m over it. We usually get like 4 days a year of this kind of thing, but this year the rain HAS. NOT. STOPPED. It’s almost like we live in the Midwest or something. Sheesh!
Okay so I was in the studio this morning, after having made the decision to CUT into my humongous 140 lb. hot press watercolor paper. Yes, now is the time. It’s glorious thick paper, and I want to use it!
Anyway. I was sitting out there on my hands and knees with my X-acto knife and my pencil and trying to measure this 6 foot paper with a t-square (which is a horrible idea on the ground, aka doesn’t work). And I realized something.
I hate cutting.
I do. I mean I really hate it. I don’t ever get it straight. I hardly understand rulers to begin with.
I start sweating.
I get annoyed.
I just want it to be over. Ahhhahasdolrihaeksfv nalkdergn!!!!!!
This. Is. So. Stressful!!!!!!
Then I suddenly thought,’I WONDER IF SOMEONE CAN DO THIS FOR ME??’
Whhhhhat!!? It’s like the heavens opened up
I used to ALWAYS think I need to do everything on my own, but not anymore! If we are all geniuses at something, why not use other people’s genius to get us where we wanna be, right?
So here’s the deal, I’m taking my big ass role of expensive paper over to Fed EX, and THEY are cutting it for me!
Ha!! This is the best decision I’ve made this year.
Now I can get back to making art. Yesssss!
So,.. I mentioned a couple of posts ago that I haven’t been feeling well. Actually I’ve been in bed for nearly 2 weeks. Horrible cough, sore throat, clogged nose, you name it. There were a couple of days where it was clearing up, and I thought I was getting better. But then all of a sudden I was hit again.
Now this is odd for a couple of reasons.
First of all, I NEVER get sick. Like literally never. If I start getting slightly ‘off,’ I will just sleep a bunch and whatever it is has moved on. I have a really strong immune system.
Second of all, I have had a tendency to get sick when there is something not right emotionally in my life. I’ve lost my hearing before when I had a boyfriend that wouldn’t shut the fuck up. Like ever. I lost it for a month until we broke up. Once that happened, my ears opened up the next day.
I’ve also lost my voice or my nose has become so clogged. When I realized that I felt like I ‘literally couldn’t breathe’ in my life, everything cleared up once I used my voice and spoke up to my husband.
So this is totally normal for me. However, this time I’ve felt REALLY sick.
My mother gave me the idea to sit in the tub for 2 hours at a time with baking soda and epsom salts, and drink a gallon of water to clear out my chest. I must admit the baths have been amazing Jackie time extravaganzas, but they haven’t helped.
I did try another one this morning. Here is the pic.
Anyway, I was starting to get really frustrated. I want to get on with my life! I want to BREATHE again! And sleep! And talk normally! And swallow! And create without snot dripping onto my piece. Is that asking too much??
I thought about the feelings I’ve had while being sick. I’ve felt INCAPABLE, STUCK, DISCONNECTED, UNABLE TO DO ANYTHING, a bit like a VICTIM, etc. etc. etc.
Then I thought ‘Hmmm I wonder where I’ve felt some of those feelings in my life in order to bring forth this experience.’ Yes, I believe in this kind of stuff.
In other words ‘WHY THIS, NOW?’
Suddenly, I realized that for a long time in regards to my husbands ex wife, I’ve felt very INCAPABLE (of mothering the way I want to), STUCK (in a situation where I have no power), DISCONNECTED (from being their mom and yet I take care of them emotionally and do a lot for them like a mother would), UNABLE TO DO ANYTHING about this situation (because my husband was married to her, so he should communicate with her), and a bit like a VICTIM (what the fuck am I supposed to do, I’m doing too much, I’m not doing enough, I can’t do this…)
Aha! This could be it!
So I’ve decided something. My LIFE no longer revolves around her. I did not marry her. I will contact her when I want some information, or clarification, regardless of if my husband wants/needs/cares to communicate with her. I will do this because I need to feel empowered in my situation, and sitting on the sidelines WAITING for other people to ACT the way that I THINK THEY SHOULD ACT does
Also, she’s got Asperger’s and is difficult to communicate with. Thank Gawd my hubby and I are finally aware of this. We used to write cutesy emails to her and get these really cut and dry (rude, lez be honest) responses from her. So we have began mirroring our emails to her responses. Basically being very straight forward with no warmth.
However, this is not me. So in the spirit of changing,.. here goes.
I will not change my tone of voice with her face to face, or in messages. If I am changing who I am because she’s not responding to me the way that I WOULD LIKE HER TO RESPOND TO ME, then I must not be honoring who I am very well. I want to communicate to her with love, kindness, appreciation and compassion because that is what I who I am.
I want to be fully me. It is okay that she isn’t going to give me a shiny happy response. I don’t need that, I do not need acknowledgement from her.
All I need is to be ME completely.
Okay that is my rant for the day.
The sun is shining, my coffee is hot, my nose is clearing up already, and I have art to make.
Take that empowerment! 🙂
I hope everyone is having a wonderful Thursday. The sun is finally shining out here. Oh my gosh there has been so much rain, it lovingly looks like Ireland outside. So plush! So deep! So clear! But to be honest, I’m really craving the good ol’ fashioned hot weather I’m used to here in North County San Diego.
I’m feeling a little bit under the weather today. I knew I wanted to get this blog post up early this am, but not feeling amazing, and also having the kids over last night proved to be a little more maneuvering than I had hoped. I don’t know how you full time parents do it. I may have the best schedule set up in the world, but if the kids are here, it’s so much harder to stick to it. 🙂
I did think ‘Oh maybe I can just miss today blogging,’ or do it later in the afternoon. But I know that it’s not going to become a habit if I don’t make it a priority. So. There you go. Real life working shit out. Ha!
I’m in an interesting place with art today.
First of all, I’m so so so so so utterly grateful that I get to CREATE everyday, that my husband values me doing what I want and need, and he’s seriously my biggest cheerleader.
Second of all, I have ideas bursting out of me every couple of hours. I get this ‘Aha!!!’ moment and I see something new in my head. It’s very exciting, and invigorating.
The part that’s interesting is I haven’t made much finished work lately. I feel like I’m learning all over again how to do that. I’ve carried my art journals around for years with me even during the time that I was trying NOT to be an artist. I need them, I instantly feel more myself doodling and drawing and painting. This is where I also jot down shopping lists, write my innermost feelings, or slap paint through the pages as a release when I’m too emotional to breathe. I love creating, and the best part is:
I don’t even think about how it’ll look when it’s finished. Nothing is ever finished! It’s always been this ever evolving purge of juicy passionate creation.
So now, I’m here in my life to make actual work, and I’m figuring that out. ahhahah It’s kind of an interesting experience. I am pivoting to use my art journal along with everyday purging to try out all these ideas!What I’ve realized, is that so far in many ways, I’m much more tenuous with my precious blank piece of paper or canvas then I am with my messy art journal. I mean it makes sense. It’s not what I am used to. But I really love the organic explosion of what I’ve done hidden away in my books. So I’m learning how to bring that sense of play into actual pieces. I’m excited about this! I can do this, it make take an adjustment, but part of it is probably just trusting that I can create. That I am an artist and I can create on art journal paper, or canvas, or thick delicious watercolor paper. Whatever mediums I choose to use, I can use.
Art journals will always be my special release. Anyone ever used one? They have really helped me embrace play, and not be so afraid of mistakes. Here is a picture of one of my art journal pages. I have over 10 full journals. Each one I’ve used for about a year. They spell out a good chunk of my life.
Where in your life do you get to be your messy passionate self? I’d love to hear your stories!