Hello! Wow, it’s been so long since I’ve written. I hope the holidays went well for everyone.
I’m working through some feelings about old friends. I think I have probably always seen my life as seasons and chapters. In one chapter these people where the ones I was super close to, or in this one, I was doing these things, and had this friend. Seeing life this way has made it a lot easier for me to recognize that these people were in it for that specific time and place, for lessons I needed to learn, and they aren’t necessarily going to be in all parts of my life. Now that’s not true for everyone. There are some friends where we have walked through more than one chapter together, hand in hand, and it’s been exactly what both of us needed. But when that happens, I think it’s because we were both learning and growing together, and from each other. Once the growth doesn’t feel in sync anymore, it makes sense that the relationship isn’t as strong, or it just goes away.
Even though I really get this intellectually, and have seen it play out many times in my life, it still makes me sad when I think about old friends. I feel sad that I don’t push to have them in my life, even if I know we are in different places. I feel guilty that I’m not missing them the way I feel I SHOULD.
I love my old friends. The ones that were with me through so much. The very small, few that knew everything about me, and I knew everything about them. I miss feeling like I had those select people where we could talk and laugh for hours. I miss feeling that comfortable with someone. I miss that we could finish each other’s sentences or give each other a LOOK and we knew exactly what that meant.
There is a lot that I miss.
But I’ve changed. I’ve changed a lot. Some of these friends, it’s been 20 years since we were close. That’s a whole lifetime! I wouldn’t even recognize myself. For other friends, it’s been more of a slow burn. Maybe we stayed friends longer than we should of, but because of the love we both had, we stayed? For those friends, I’ve also changed.
I don’t miss the relationship.
I don’t miss feeling like I couldn’t fully speak my truth. I don’t miss feeling like we couldn’t work through anything.
Growth is hard I am realizing. I love learning about myself and growing, but this is one of those horribly painful growing pains. I’m just unable to swallow down how I feel anymore, and I can’t keep old relationships alive if that is what it takes. I would have loved it if we had moved at the same pace, if we had worked towards similar things. But I can see now that ‘my way’ isn’t the right way.
It’s just different.
So in order for me to take care of ME, to honor ME, I will send love.
I will send the love that has always been there from the beginning of our friendship. But I need to hold myself up with more love than I have before, and I cannot settle when it doesn’t feel right.
I love you for the memories we had together, for having you to tell my secrets to, for feeling included and safe in your presence. I will always love you and I will continue to send you love as you journey through your life.
I appreciate writing in the silence.
I appreciate that I trust I can move through my feelings.
I appreciate that I am resilient.
I appreciate that these noise cancelling headphones keep me wayyyyyyyyyyy more focused.
I appreciate that my hubby is always trying to support me any way he can. Even when I push him away.
I appreciate having a schedule.
I appreciate actually getting things done.
I appreciate trusting that the solutions will come, probably when I stop worrying about the problem.
I appreciate how bright blue the sky is.
I appreciate knowing I can pick my battles.
I appreciate these exciting, creative ideas.
I appreciate being out of the house.
I appreciate that feelings no longer cause shame.
I appreciate that it is okay for me to feel sad.
I appreciate that I can make the changes I want/need at any time.
I appreciate that I can see all these rows and rows of books.
I appreciate that our December looks like your May.
I appreciate that I have fuzzy kittens waiting for me at home.
I appreciate hot tea all day long.
I appreciate recognizing that maybe I feel shitty because I didn’t do my writing this morning. Maybe I can’t just skip something like that.
I appreciate having the fireplace on, once the temperature hits 68.
I appreciate remembering that I am powerful.
I appreciate noticing so many things I am grateful for.
I appreciate that I am creating!
Allowing my hand to move to its own beat. Ahhhh this was like taking a long meditative nap… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
I appreciate being able to work things out with my relationships.
I appreciate recognizing that I can improve my confidence.
I appreciate learning lessons everyday.
I appreciate all the gifts that continuously come into my life.
I appreciate the silence.
I appreciate that my kitten knows when I get up in the morning that it is our meditation time.
I appreciate watching this beautiful hummingbird flutter in front of me.
I appreciate trusting that my emotions are all safe to feel.
I appreciate my bravery.
I appreciate that it’s okay wherever I am emotionally/mentally/physically.
I appreciate having a really awesome morning workout.
I appreciate allowing the tears to come out.
I appreciate a hot bath.
I appreciate good rest.
I appreciate that I am learning to trust my intuition better than ever.
I appreciate knowing that my body is doing the best it can.
I appreciate being capable of love.
I appreciate being loved.
I appreciate being ready to work through issues.
I appreciate my willingness to be vulnerable.
I appreciate my desire to show up for myself, for people I love, for strangers.
I appreciate leaving small gifts for random people to find.
I appreciate the slight rustling of trees in the breeze.
I appreciate the smell of my kittens when I stick my nose in their fluff.
I appreciate tiny beautiful moments that make up a day.
I appreciate being able to sit outside with my cat.
I appreciate listening to the leaves tumble across the sidewalk.
I appreciate that I have a wonderful relationship with my husband.
I appreciate that I am learning how to take better care of myself.
I appreciate seeing my kitten relish in the sunlight.
I appreciate holding myself accountable.
I appreciate learning how to focus better.
I appreciate having so many creative ideas.
I appreciate feeling the sunlight on my face.
I appreciate drinking a cup of tea on the porch.
I appreciate that there are a million choices I get to make today.
I appreciate trusting that I am always doing my best.
I appreciate making mistakes.
I appreciate being choosy with friends.
I appreciate having friends that truly know me and enjoy me.
I appreciate being capable of speaking my truth.
I appreciate the joy of making art.
I appreciate the feeling of sheer inspiration.
I appreciate recognizing how much there is to appreciate.
It’s December 3rd, I can’t believe it. It seems like yesterday we were headed out on a family vacation in the middle of summer. This last quarter of the year is flying by so fast, isn’t it?
I know I am allowing life to move easier when I suddenly realize ‘oh! This is normally when I would have beat myself up!’
This is the place I would have looked around and realized that I have NOT been working out the way I need to, and I would have been so mad at myself.
This is the place I would have felt a thick blanket of misery with all the ‘should haves and ‘what’s wrong with me’s, ‘I’m so lazy,’ and all the ‘I’m not good enoughs.’
But I don’t feel that way at all.
Yes, I am soooooooooooooo craving working out more than I have been.
Also yes, I am ready to finally get back into creating my SCHEDULE and sticking to it.
I recognize that sometimes LIFE IS STRESSFUL and full AND WE DO WHAT WE CAN.
That right there is huge for me.
We do what we can.
This month and a 1/2 has been more movement and more stress than the entire year combined. We were flying across the country to find a therapeutic boarding school for our son, days before our daughters Bat Mitzvah. This past week we were moving our son out of his wilderness camp and into his new school, 2 states away.
It’s okay I haven’t been going to the gym as much as I’d like.
It’s okay that my website still isn’t done.
It’s okay that the year is moving on.
I think sometimes I need to remember that the goals we set for ourselves sometimes get interrupted by life, and that is okay.
If I had made my goals my ONLY priority, here’s what I would have missed out on:
- Being present with finding B the best school for him.
- Being focused on creating the best event we could for our daughter.
- Being present at her event and feeling so proud of her, and so much love.
- Getting a chance to see B right after as he came down the mountain from LIVING in the wilderness for 3 1/2 month.
- Being present to hear everything he wanted to talk about.
- Laughing as a family.
- Getting extra sleep from all the traveling.
- Enjoying a moment at an Italian restaurant with my honey.
- Allowing myself to feel all of it after we dropped B off at his new school.
And so much more.
There is still time to do what I am here to do. There is still time for my goals and dreams. But I want to be present in LIFE, I want to participate in the events that won’t happen again ever. That is my priority.
I was browsing through Amazon about a week ago and saw some great reviews for this book called Heart to Start by David Kadavy. At first glance I was thinking maybe it would only be for people that just couldn’t start AT ALL. But I decided to purchase it anyway, trusting that there were probably going to be plenty of things for me to learn.
He mentioned that adults have a hard time ‘being curious’ because we all feel that once we learn something we need to monetize it. And yet, by him BEING CURIOUS and learning all that he was naturally interested in, he was able to write books and CREATE based on combining his interests! I love that he shared this! Just hearing another artist talk about ‘all their interests’ suddenly made me take a deep breath.
I have a lot of interests.
I always have, I have always been FASCINATED by life.
And yet, in my attempt to ‘not be the crazy artist lady with all kinds of random hobbies and interests,’ I have swallowed them down and decided only to paint. It’s hard sometimes because I can get lost in making art. It soothes my soul, it makes me feel.
What about all the other things I am curious about?
What David wrote snapped me out of it.
What if I am exactly as I am supposed to be?
What if I can create with all of my interests combined?
What if that is WHAT makes me unique and genuine and authentic, the way I want to be?
I am sure Kadavy’s desire was to share this tiny lesson for those of us that have judged our innate curiosity, and for that I am so grateful. I feel so free, and I have started creating a calendar of adding new interests to it.
If you’re interested in getting started in new ways with passion and drive and fun, check out his book. I am already starting some of his handy tips and they are WORKING.
I was listening to Tony Robbins the other day….
Okay lemee explain. First of all I’ve KNOWN about Tony Robbins for years. All I knew about him what that he is this huge loud dude that resembles a G.I. Joe. But I’ve been looking for a bit of inspiration lately, I thought I would broaden my horizons.
Normally I love a little Abraham Hicks in my life, but you know, it’s easy to get complacent and it’s nice to veer down other paths.
I’ve set GOALS for a long time, and unfortunately have a difficult time sticking to them. I want to move forward, I want to look back and FEEL like I’ve accomplished. And yet, that has been an area I’ve really struggled with in my life. I used to not finish art pieces like I know I’ve written about before. Now I do that, but there are so many awesome ideas I have where I don’t have a PLAN, and they end up never getting created.
Anyway, I turned Tony on, and though he is a bit loud and pushy for my taste, there was some great nuggets that I can try for transformation.
One of the things I heard was that we don’t get our goals, we get our MUSTS. He says that if we just ‘set goals,’ it’s easy to not follow through. But if we really ask ourselves what we MUST do, then we will find a way.
Like you guys have heard me mention a 1000 times, it’s much easier for me to spend all my time and energy choosing things that can help the kids, or even Andy. It’s much easier to do all of that then to
But at the end of the day, what are my MUSTS?
I don’t want to look back at my life and see that I ONLY did a lot of the kids and others that I love but that I NEVER fully lived to MY POTENTIAL.
I know I have a whole world of things inside me to create,
It’s my JOB, it’s my DUTY to do them.
So those have to be my MUSTS.
What are you here to do that you haven’t been doing???
I realized that if I can picture myself as a little girl, it’s easier to show up for me. The little girl with the dark eyes and the super chubby cheeks.
I’m not going to let her down.
I MUST create,
I MUST allow my creativity to flourish.
So what do you guys think? Does goal setting work for you? What do you think about the concept of getting our MUSTS? I’d love to hear YOUR thoughts as well!