There is so much emotionally going on for me right now, I don’t even know how to begin this post. I’m not in the mood to complain or explain the story over and over again. And yet I have a very strong desire to connect, to feel loved and that everything will be okay.
I was realizing a moment ago how fitting it is at this time in my life when I am deciding to fully embrace myself artistically, there is also an interesting life crescendo happening.
All I can say is,
THANK GAWD I am creating art.
Thank god that it had become a priority BEFORE all these changes began happening, and all the feelings and the stress.
I had no clue that at just the moment when I was deciding just be an artist, that my soul and my heart would actually need it more than anything.
So I’m checking in on all of you. It seems like life is really rocky for a lot of people now, full of so many changes and waves and tears and explosions, and pain. Maybe some of us know that it will lead to growth, (which is what I believe) but regardless, it seems to be very hard.
I’m sending you all love that you have your solace. That you have a place you can go where you can feel your feelings, where your heart can be open and full and alive and you are able to remember what a gift you truly are.
I assisted in this incredible course over the weekend that has changed my life. Every time I do it, every time I’m spending my days surrounded with such strength and love, it changes me in huge ways.
One of the things that we did during the weekend was create I AM statements. I’d done them before, but it’s always a good reminder to keep them up.
The bottom line is this: Whatever we are or are not is our decision, not anyone else’s. So if we want to be seen a certain way, we can be, if we want to feel a certain way, we can. I used to think ‘I’m just not a confident person,’ or ‘I can’t stand up for myself, I wasn’t born that way.’ I can see now, that that is not a belief I want to continue. I can BE whatever I want to BE.
Anyway, here’s how to create these amazing I AM statements:
- Pick 3 (or so) qualities you know you already have. Then pick 2 or 3 qualities that you’d like to bring into light more, or develop.
- I prefer to mix them up in any order.
Here is my current list:
I am vibrant
I am confident
I am authentic
I am nurturing
I am trusting
I am passionate
This fresh list I will say out loud 100 times a day. Whenever I’ve gotten into the groove of doing my I AM messages, I feel myself growing and changing right before my eyes. Creating a new list every 2-3 months keeps me constantly becoming a better version of myself.
I use this as just another tool to keep myself feeling good as long as possible. Without tools, it’s so easy for me to feel unsupported and anxious. Ugh! I’d rather feel empowered and focused and full of joy.
Anyway, it’s a fun little game that will instantly bring a feeling of peace and yummy goodness. Try it if you’d like! If you do, I’d love to see how they go!
Have a wonderful Monday! xo
For years I knew I wanted to do super awesome things and for some reason I thought they were literally going to be dropped on my porch. Like someone would maybe even stop me on the side of the road and say, “Excuse me, are you Jackie? We have an exciting life for you! Just follow me!”
Obviously that didn’t happen, but I spent a lot of time WAITING FOR IT.
I knew the things I sorta kinda wanted but my FEAR was way too great to do anything physical about it.
Slowly through the years I’ve realized a bit about getting what we want. Even if we have the best intentions for receiving the life we want, but we refuse to take any risks at all,.. WE WON’T GET IT. We won’t.
If we refuse to quit the job that is draining the life out of us, or say no way to standing up for ourselves, or taking a class to learn a new skill we have really been wanting,.. if we aren’t willing to RISK, and to be BRAVE,….
WE. WILL. NOT. CHANGE.
I’m totally in my element now, making art. Making art for me, isn’t a risk, it’s a necessity. But I am DEFINITELY making sure to take little risks everyday.
Here are the risks I’ve been taking lately:
- Writing this blog – Puts my voice out there! My innermost feelings and joys and pains. It feels vulnerable and not always that comfortable.
- Making a Facebook business page of my art – I literally cringed when I started inviting people to like it. Ah! I feel so exposed! ughaserk!
- Posting Doodle-a-Day photos for Instagram – I’ve never never been one to show my work, it feels like I’m being a show off. And yet, art is my heart and soul, and I’m no longer going to hide.
- Saying I’m an artist – There’s a part of me that feels uncomfortable saying I’m an artist, and yet I know that BEING AN ARTIST sings through my veins, and so I suck it up, and say it anyway.
With each of these circumstances, my heart starts racing, my palms get sweaty, I feel nauseous and fiercely anxious. None of them are easy for me. And yet,… I know that this is where I will grow. I think back to all the times that I thought I might take a jump and then quickly replaced that thought with this one:
‘That sounds really scary, I think I’ll wait until I’m braver.’
I realize now, that we don’t just become brave. Bravery doesn’t just appear so the jump is easier.
If we jump scared, then we grow into being brave.
Before I started this blog,
before I was waking up every morning excited to create ART,
I was attempting to get a couple other business ideas going. I’ve always been severely passionate about many things and it seemed like I could swing quickly from one idea to another.
This would cause a lot of stress for me. I thought I SHOULD have been the kind of person that decided what I wanted to do at 18, went for it, and then that would be my life.
Life wasn’t like this for me at all. I have been all over the map! I’ve had plenty of corporate jobs with sales and recruiting and marketing and customer service. (I secretly wished I loved them enough for them to be ENOUGH), and then I’ve also had different kinds of jobs off the normal job scale, working for a spiritual healer, and in a trendy shop in Venice, California. Jobs that seemed kinda kick back and not very ambitious. And yet, I learned parts of myself that I didn’t know existed. As I look back, any of these jobs that I had where I was working FOR someone, no matter what they were, they were based on providing me with either enough resources to make art, or time to do it.
All of that is fine, except that I judged myself horribly for this. I thought “What is wrong with you, Jackie, that you need to create?” “Can’t you just find a CAREER and stick to it?”Even though my heart LONGED to create, I felt like needing to make art, was kind of in the way.
Life would be easier if I was simpler.
It’s funny that I’ve longed to have one career, when I know many people change what they are doing or wanting to do throughout their lives. But we are always evolving anyway, so it makes sense that how we want to show up in the world changes as well.
So back to my own businesses I was in the middle of… They were based on things that I like, and one was even concepts that I was PASSIONATE about; when I was working in a corporate setting. And yet, the actual work, the planning workshops, the research, not that horrible, but not super fun. The whole time I was doing this WORK for these businesses, I secretly wanted to be making art. Isn’t that funny?
And then I realized:
I decided to do these other businesses because I thought they would MAKE MONEY. And then if I was successful enough, maybe
I’D HAVE TIME TO MAKE ART.
What I really wanted to do,…
WAS MAKE ART.
It’s always always been that, but because I didn’t trust that I’d be taken care of, that I have been given these gifts for a reason, I’ve searched for YEARS to find JOBS and my own BUSINESSES that will give me the joy and fulfillment that art does.
So there’s been this part of me that feels embarrassed that I’ve changed my mind so many times, and yet,.. as I look at it, I haven’t changed my mind at all. I’ve known all along that I wanted to make art, I just didn’t allow myself to do it.
Yet another lesson I’m seeing, is to use the gifts that I have been given to create the life that my soul longs for. I am doing that! I am starting to believe that the more I fill my heart with love and do things that genuinely bring me joy, the more the right people, the right situations will find me.
I’m finally sitting here at my little laptop ready to WRITE. Finally. It’s been so long! And actually it’s felt like forever since
I’ve MADE ART.
I went from driving many hours to a wonderful party in Los Angeles to a couple of days back home sorting through life stuff. Sometimes this happens, right? Days go in ways we don’t expect, and routine gets flipped around. But I have so missed writing my daily posts.
I think what I’m recognizing is that I am so much better at being easy on myself. It’s been an excruciatingly long month with so many stressful things happening, and lots of gory feelings exploding all over the place, and lots of places where cobwebs are literally falling out of the shadows.
When I’d go through things like this in the past, I’d feel so much SHAME and wonder WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??
I should be able to handle this! I should be STRONGER BETTER FASTER more amazing than I am.
I SHOULD BE DIFFERENT.
Through the years, through the work I’ve been doing on myself, those voices still come up but they are softer, and they are way more in the background then they used to be. In fact, I can point them out! I can call them to the front of the classroom and tell them their help is no longer needed.
Now, I am in charge.
Because the last week has been again so much learning and growing and aching and changing,…
What is the most loving thing I can do for myself?
I can make art.
So I’m very much in the thick of some really deep stuff. This year started out with my hubby and I asking the universe for some MOVEMENT in many areas of our lives.
We cut cords of old beliefs that were no longer working for us,
We felt our feelings fully,
We made lists of what we want to feel and experience in the year 2017.
Anyway, there was a lot of stuff. A lot of work, and shifting ideas and beliefs and starting fresh. So it’s no wonder that so far this year has been full of
GROWTH,.. oh so much, so much growth.
Everywhere I look has been another huge epiphany.
So I was thinking, what do most of us do when we are in pockets of life that are extremely stressful?
Most of us have been taught to:
Put our nose to the grindstone,
Get less sleep,
Literally shove ourselves THROUGH THE STRESS.
Well how’s that working for us? Not great, at least not for me.
So I’m taking a different approach. The more change, the more stress, the more crazy life gets, the more I will take CARE OF MYSELF. It’s already stressful, why make it more so? If I can give myself more naps, or breaks, or laughs, or doodle moments, I will come back renewed and in a great place full of creativity.
If I push without feeling, drained and exhausted, my work and my life will not be very good. I won’t be able to come up with solutions, and I’ll end up so annoyed and disconnected and irritated. What a horrible way to use my energy.
Never underestimate the power of being in a good place. The more time spent taking care of ourselves automatically will put us miles ahead of someone that is just hanging there by a thread.
So, I’ll be listening to my body and my heart. What do I NEED to do to get into an empowered fun open place? That is my priority so I can actually accomplish.
Wow! What a weekend! This is the first one in a long time that actually FELT like a weekend. Know what I mean?
Sometimes we have these ridiculously stressful weeks and then convince ourselves that the weekend will be the time to finally really relax, and yet it becomes just another couple of days where we are running around stressed out chasing the feeling of relief.
This has been a huge part of my life lately. My hubby and I have had some pretty stressful, exhausting things going on with the kids and his ex-wife. So we have done what any concerned, aware, loving parents would do,..
we’ve talked about it obsessively.
I think in my head, I felt that if we aren’t talking about the issues over and over and over again until they are SOLVED, then we must be:
Living under a rock
So,.. I pushed it. All the time, with no break. Anytime we saw each other we would start talking about these extremely heavy, exhausting PROBLEMS, ISSUES.
Isn’t that what we are supposed to do?
But they didn’t get any better. I realized that I was so drained, emotionally, mentally and physically, but
THE ISSUES STILL REMAINED.
I started to not feel particularly close to my hubby. I didn’t feel at all at peace. I didn’t feel full of energy, and I wasn’t noticing things I am grateful for.
Once we both discussed our feelings about all of this,
something magical happened.
We got a fuckin’ BRILLIANT idea. I think it’s the best we have had all year.
If talking about certain things is exhausting, and yet to some extent we still need to do it, why not create a schedule where it’s okay to do it in?
So here’s the deal: We decided that Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from 5pm -6pm is our talk time about the difficult stuff.
NO MORE THAN THAT.
Can I even tell you what this has done to our lives! We have only been doing it for 5 days, and all ready I feel like a completely different person. I am lighter and happier and more joyful and so so grateful! I feel like I have my wonderful relationship back to where it was.
And I realized something else.
Before, I felt like if I WASN’T talking about the difficult stuff 24/7, then I was avoiding. But now, since there is a PLAN, a SYSTEM, I don’t feel that way at all!
I feel in control of my life.
So this situation reminded me that I am in control. It’s MY happiness, it’s MY joy, it’s MY life. I can make choices on when and who I want to discuss personal stuff with. And so far, I must say our schedule is
This weekend was unbelievably connecting and fun and playful and open and I am so in love. We gave ourselves a much needed EMOTIONAL BREAK! Yesssssssssssssss!!
Sooooo grateful for intuition!!
Happy Monday! xo
I have this special thing with maps. I love the intricate lines and the way the streets overlap each other. I’ve been making these map drawings for quite awhile and now I’d really like to somehow base them on a city. Usually I just draw whatever my hand wants to draw, but I wonder if I were looking at a city map of San Diego, or LA, while I was doing this what would happen. Hmmm Maybe I’ll give it a try!
What do you think?
This morning while I was taking a shower, I was thinking about what to write today.
My love of almond butter?
My attempts at shutting up my super loud, (sorta cute) kitten from meowing me off a ledge?
My present situation with my step children?
My sudden 80’s ballad outbursts?
On one hand, I’m really enjoying getting down my thoughts about life and art and my kitten,.. hahah And yet on another hand, it feels really really yuckily self indulgent.
Normally, if you’d met me in real life, I would tell you less about myself, and I’d be asking a lot of questions. I am very fascinated by people and want to know ALL. OF. IT.
You know what I’d like to do? I’d really like to have a creativity circle where everyone comes, brings the thing they are working on, we each take turns discussing our FEELINGS and our FEARS and we RELISH in the fact that we GET TO CREATE. We can all hear and SUPPORT and VALIDATE each other. Ah!
Doesn’t that sound amazing?