Girl Time

I just returned from a long walk close to the beach with my sister in law. We’ve decided to do this every Tuesday from now on. Ahhh!! I just love my time with her! There is seriously nothing better than girl time where BOTH of you get to purge your thoughts and feelings and BOTH of you are engaged in what’s being said. I always leave feeling really heard and much lighter. It’s also helpful that BOTH of us are always looking for ways that we can be our best and truest selves. Sometimes rare to find that in a friend.

Anyway.

I’m seeing how important more GIRL TIME is in my life, and how easy it is to let it slip away. As much as I love my hubby, which I do more than anything, he’s not a WOMAN and I crave female interaction. When I don’t have it for long periods of time, I feel like I try shaping him into a girlfriend.

‘Please don’t give me a SOLUTION, I just need to feel.’ Ha!

He’s so good at attempting, but even as I say out loud what I need from him, I can hear how silly it sounds.

This video is my favorite depiction of gender differences. ahhahah! It’s so perfect!!!

I am always wanting to cry about ‘the nail’ before I can do anything about it. ahahhah

Purple clouds foreva

This is a new piece I’m working on. I’m using this lovely thick watercolor paper, acrylic paint and smooth black ink from Japan. I wanted to incorporate my tiny detailed lines with luscious paint color to give it a contrasting effect. I want to create more pieces with lots of color and depth. I’ll post it again when it’s finished!

So much to do so much time

In this crazy, buzzy world it’s been so easy to get anxious about TIME.  The day is moving away from me, I didn’t get this done or that or that or that! How frickin’ mind boggling! The day would leave me gasping for breath, unfunctionable and drained.

I’m looking in my art journal right now and it’s full of designs, doodles to try on a larger scale, tiny pen marks that excite me and make me hungry to create. Now, in the past I would see this as something I need to do NOW. RIGHT NOW. LIKE NOW NOW.

But really, the more that I spend time MAKING WORK, the more TIME I realize it actually takes for each piece to make it the way I want it.

The more that I am starting to

CHILL THE FUCK OUT.

Like seriously. I thought I was a pretty chill laid back chic before, but that was only because it was when I was relaxed that I was even aware. I have NOT been relaxed in my life. I’ve been a HARD CORE, FINGER PICKING, STRESS FACE. And you know what, it’s not that great. I didn’t feel great about myself. I didn’t feel strong or magical or at peace. AT all. So I’m not gunna do it anymore.

What is the most loving thing I can do for myself.

Make some fuckin art.

It’s just a belief

 

Every New Years my hubby and I hide away in the mountains and do some intense inner work. One of the things we look at are our beliefs, since we know we can change them. One of the activities I did just a couple months ago during that time in the cabin, was to look at all of my beliefs surrounding the concept of….

THE STARVING ARTIST. dun dun dunnnnnnn!

I hadn’t realized it, but through the years, I’d picked up some pretty horrible lies about being an artist. I believed them FOR SO MANY YEARS. Now, it’s time to change them.

  1. I remember hearing in regards to making work that ‘EVERYTHING HAS ALREADY BEEN DONE, YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING NEW.’ This belief caused me to become doubtful of my intuition, to question my enthusiasm, and to replay over and over again the REASON for making what my heart wanted so badly to make.
  2.  I believed that the only way to ‘become a successful artist,’ is you need to BEAT THE PAVEMENT with your work. It’s our JOB to walk uphill both ways to galleries, to get our work shown. Ughalkjevo! I’m so drained even thinking about it. Ugh! That doesn’t sound fun, where’s the fun??
  3. I remember hearing (and then believing) that I would need an art degree to be an artist, but then I’d need to TEACH art to get by. I remember the exact moment when I realized this and knew……I NEVER WANT TO TEACH ART. I WANT TO MAKE IT.
  4. If someone would have asked me the characteristics ‘OF AN ARTIST’ even 4-5 years ago, I would have said things like: lazy, irresponsible, late, self-absorbed, unreliable, etc. etc. etc. All the things that I certainly don’t want to be (and actually don’t think I am). But the idea of even being considered AN ARTIST, would have meant that I would have automatically put myself into this category as well.

These are just some of the false beliefs that I learned from a variety of people and situations. They all sound so crazy now, and it’s not anyone’s fault that I picked them up along the way. But no wonder I stopped wanting to be an artist, right? I mean, if I really believed all of these (which I did), and continued to forge ahead with this ARTIST DREAM then I’d be creating a life I. DID. NOT. WANT.

Why does society have such a WRONG idea of what being an artist is, or could be? If I would have realized how much easier life is in general to JUST BE ME, I would have said FUCK YOU to those beliefs long ago.

But at least I can do that now. I can create new beliefs, such as these:

  1. I am here to create work
  2. I can choose my thoughts and create the life I want.
  3. Being an artist is what I do, I can choose my characteristics.
  4. I make money creating art.
  5. My life flows easily because I am being ME fully and completely

Now these feel a lot better!

What are some of your beliefs you’d like to change?

 

Have I? Have I? Have I?

No matter what I used to do with my time, I’d never feel like I did enough. Anyone ever experience that?

And it was so silly because even if I had a specific LIST of what I wanted to ACCOMPLISH and lets say I did everything on that list, at the end of the day, I still had this nagging feeling of not doing enough, not being enough, not.. ENOUGH.

It’s interesting, where did that start? Are we taught this? Are some of us taught that? All of us? Did society do this? Does it stem from a deeply rooted belief that we AREN’T ENOUGH? That our core isn’t okay? That our decisions with HOW we spend our time isn’t quite right?

And even that, where did it start? Is it not trusting our intuition with what we need when we need it, and constantly feeling like we need to check in with others to see if

WE ARE OKAY,

IF WE ARE ENOUGH?

As you can probably see, I like to dig for the answers. I want to KNOW.

Anyway, I may never know THE ANSWER,

but I’m starting to just take the pressure off myself a bit more everyday, and I think part of that is because I’m embracing

Who. I. Am.

FINALLY!!

I realized, that regardless of my LIST, if I can spend more time in the moment, whatever that looks like to me, at the end of the day I feel more FULFILLED and less anxious about not ACCOMPLISHING ENOUGH.

Thank Gawd for that. Because what’s the point of life anyway? I’d like to think it’s to be happy and have peace and joy and play and growth, and truly be able to RELISH all of it, eat it with a spoon, gulp it down, with tears rolling down my cheeks,

FEEL ALL OF IT.

LIVE ALL OF IT.

 

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