Creating a Life I love Through Art
I’ve been leafing through my art journal for inspiration for painting this gaga pit. Here are a couple of ideas that I’m going to springboard off of for the project. I love to draw with tiny black pens, but I’ll be PAINTING instead. Not just painting, but LARGE AND IN CHARGE PAINTING. Can I do it? Hmmmm Actually having some ideas helps me wrap my head around the project.
Yes, I can do this. Breathe Jackie.
My attempt to write in this blog every single day hasn’t quite been working out. ahahhah But I think the minute that I get hard on myself, I need to remember that I haven’t quite taken all the other things on my list into consideration. And! On top of that, I can adjust my goals at anytime. If they aren’t reachable at this exact moment, that’s okay, lets tweak them.
Something really exciting happened over the last couple of weeks. I know a woman that founded a private school. I don’t know her well, but she came to my first Creative Women workshop and I connected with her a little bit. She told me that she’s got a gaga pit at the school that the kids love, and she’d like to HAVE IT PAINTED.
Whhhhhhhhat.
Normally I would have listened to that sadly familiar, mean little voice inside that said things like, “You’re not good enough for this project…’ or ‘You never finish things, how could you possibly commit to this,…’ or ‘You’ve never done anything this big, there’s no way you can do it well.’
But I decided not to.
It’s not that I didn’t HEAR the voice, I most certainly did. But I didn’t hear it as the truth, I heard it for what it was.
It was fear.
It was the voice of a frightened little Jackie trying her best to protect me. That’s how my fear generally looks to me, when I really give it a chance to be seen.
Why is our fear there anyway? Is it always to protect us? For me I would say usually, yes. It knows situations I’ve been in over the years that were risky and she’s gunna show up again and again to warn me to STAY SAFE.
Now if I remember that that is all she’s doing, I can be loving towards the voice. I can listen for a minute, and really feel her inside of me. The angst, the anxiety, the fear,.. but then it’s up to me what I do next. Lately I’ve been sending her love and thanking her for protecting me, but that I’m not going to let her call the shots. And then I go out and take a risk.
Back to the story. Normally I would have put off calling this person to discuss the gaga pit because the voices would have been too loud telling me not too. Reminding me I’m not the person she wants. But this time I called her right away and arranged a date to meet. After I saw the project I knew it was for me. It was so wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy out of my comfort zone and yet there was this funny little glimmer of joy that kept creeping up.
What if I’m ready?
The gaga pit is an 8 sided octagon that is 15 feet across. It’s used for a game where an entire class can fit inside the walls of the pit. Each side (panel) is about 4 feet x 3 1/2 feet. Now I have never painted on something so large in my life, but I wanna try. I believe I can.
The funniest part of this is that I would do this for FREE. No matter how many hours I may spend sitting on a little stool tediously painting each panel, I would do it for nothing. Ha! In fact I’m honored that someone is allowing me to ‘play’ with the pit. ahahha It doesn’t seem fair for someone to pay me for doing something that I will just devour with joy.
Anyway! This is the next project! Can you believe it? I can’t wait to get started, and even though I have moments of fear still seeping in from time to time, I am trusting that I. Can. Do. This. And then I will. 🙂
I attempted this piece awhile back. It’s sort of like what I have in my art journal, but for some reason feels really expected and not very exciting. I’m going to keep working on it though and adding a different feeling to it. It’s funny how sometimes being inspired by an earlier silly doodle doesn’t always lead to a piece looking the way I want it. Maybe it’s because of the effortless flow from art journal versus actually attempting to CREATE SOMETHING. Hmmm
But after reading Big Magic for the 3rd time, I’m reminding myself that my work doesn’t need to be PERFECT or even AMAZING. I do, however, need to get it FINISHED. So it will get finished no matter what!
Ah! I’m back! 2 vacations, so much change personally, and now here I am. It feels like a lifetime ago that I actually sat down to WRITE. There is so many cool leanings and inspirations and aha moments that I WANT to jot down here, but I need to remember to chill out. I don’t need to do it all in one day. I’ve got time. As long as I’m being dedicated and diligent, there is always time. So… what do I write about first?
*******DRUMROLL*****
Ooooo! I know! This is something that I have AVOIDED writing about on this blog. It just wasn’t the right time to open up freely about it. See, that’s another lesson I’ve learned.
Even when I’m excited about something, that doesn’t mean it’s the right time, space, or place to talk about it. HA! Sounds like such a simple realization but it’s huge. I’m usually bursting like a volcano with news, so it takes a lot to HOLD BACK. Which is exactly what I’ve done.
I haven’t written much about my step kids. I don’t know why exactly, but here goes. My step son is this amazing techie kid that has this incredible brain for computers. However the PUBLIC schools he’s been in have not been helpful. He doesn’t learn by sitting still and taking notes. I can’t stand that they keep trying to get him to comply, to be more like him, to learn in the ways that they teach. I’ve known public school wasn’t working for him for awhile, and it’s been devastating to watch him time and time again struggle not only with the work in school but seeing his self worth take such a toll as well.
If he were my SON (my actually son son) I would have changed his school years ago, but because he’s not exactly, I had felt like my voice just didn’t have a chance. Two years ago my husband and I attempted to move him into a different school, but his mother wouldn’t have it. I was broken-hearted. I had done so much work on finding an environment that would (hopefully) work better for him. But she flat out refused. It took me a long time to work through that.
Fast forward to this year. We went at things very differently. My hubby and I have both changed in so many ways, and one of them has been to become much more firm in what we believe. But be able to do it in a loving, kind way. We were able to have a conversation with my son’s mom, and she finally HEARD. I can’t believe she finally got it, after all these years! And the funny thing is, is that we had thought SHE was the problem. In reality, we were all involved in the dynamic. It’s taken us growing into who we are to be able to stand strong, that provided the foundation for her to say ‘Okay lets move him.’
After 4 months of meditation and prayers and research and phone calls, and many many many school visits, I was constantly wavering between anxiety, and stress and fear that she would change her mind or that we wouldn’t find the right school and he’d have to just go back to where he was last year. I put a lot on my shoulders, probably more than I should. It felt very personal to me because I had also felt misunderstood in my time in school. So I think little Jackie was getting a chance to possibly be healed as well.
But then, in the middle of all of it, a miracle happened.
We got a small lead of a new school opening up called SOUL Charter School. It was like a little crack in a window pane, something I could have ignored, but I didn’t. Instead, I thought, ‘What the heck, what do we have to lose? Lets check it out. With a name like SOUL, this has to at least be interesting.’
So I brought up the website.
All at once I saw in front of me exactly what my hubby and I had STATED we wanted for our son. There it was plain as day. Ah!!! And! They were ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS FOR 7TH GRADE. Just like that it was there in front of us, just what we wanted. So I filled out the application right away and crossed my fingers.
After attending the parent meeting and talking to the co-founders, we were both buzzing. The schools intention is to focus not only on teaching academics, but also on EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE, SOCIAL SKILLS, AND PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT. They even have courses on becoming an ENTREPRENEUR. Woa. What if school doesn’t need to be a horrible place where everyone feels mistreated and misunderstood? What if it can inspire the joy of learning and teach inclusion and taking risks and that we all have unique talents? This is what the founders talked about! Ah!
This was it. We both knew it, but we had one more hurdle. The ex-wife needed to be on board. Besides the fact that I was completely bursting at the seams with so much joy, I had to keep it under rap. I had to keep it logical. So my hubby and I wrote up straight information for his ex-wife. I actually left out my emotion, can you believe it? ahahhaha It was a really hard exercise. We wrote it up and sent it off.
I felt sick and scared and a little hopeful. Well, a lot hopeful but that was only from the constant meditations and feeling that we had the Universe on our side.
Anyway, we were visualizing her wanting this school. We were visualizing and feeling how nice it would be to have some ease where we weren’t convincing her of anything.
And then it happened. She said, “I think SOUL is the way to go. Can we get him into that one?”
I can’t even describe the feelings I had when my husband told me those words. I just cried. All this time and energy and years and pain and knowing without a doubt that something needed to done, all of it FINALLY PAID OFF. We will now be able to do this.
I don’t think it’s sunk in even yet. I feel so so so very honored and grateful for this opportunity to be involved in a new school with an entirely different message and focus. To have a curriculum that can be tweaked for every student with teachers that genuinely want kids to love learning. And we get to do this, together. I have so much respect for my sons mom, that she trusted us enough to do the research and that she’s willing to give up control and take a risk. Because anything that we don’t have all the answers to is a risk.
So I just have to say this: If anyone in your family lives in the San Diego area and is struggling in a regular public school, and you don’t know where to turn, please check this out. The school is starting with 7th and 9th grade, but each year they will be adding a grade, so it’ll ultimately be a 7th-12th grade school. There is still space available! Ah!! There are still parent nights and space for your kids. I think we owe it to them to have a place where they feel celebrated and validated and want to learn more about themselves and the world.
Here is the website below if you’re interested:
http://soulcharterschool.org/
https://www.facebook.com/soulcharterschool/
Ah! There’s that word discipline.
The funny thing is I didn’t know I had a bit of an issue with it. I actually thought I was pretty disciplined. And maybe I am; with things I enjoy.
But is it discipline if you enjoy the tasks at hand? Maybe that’s just being in the zone? Maybe that’s being in a passionate place of creation. Straight up DISCIPLINE may be more like pushing yourself to get the stuff done that you don’t like, that doesn’t give you energy, but that you know need to get finished.
Anyway, this morning during a call with my coach, I realized something. Deciding to work on art, and make money from art is a great thing. But only doing the parts of it that I enjoy, and leaving everything else out, is reeeeeeeeeeeeeealllyyyyyyyyyyy not going to work.
It’s funny, intellectually I know this. I know that in order to have a BUSINESS, I have to work on the business.
I need a website.
I need to learn Photoshop so I can manipulate my work.
I need to spend time creating an Etsy shop.
I need to do marketing.
I need a point of view!
However. I’ve had a habit of just doing what feels good. I’ll curl up and draw or paint for hours and I will feel warmth and connected to my soul and so very grateful. I will actually FEEL like I’m moving ahead! That I have been working! That’s all rainbows and unicorns but it’s not doing THE WORK for the business.
Hm.. Maybe I’m at a place in my life where I can handle a tweak in my discipline.
(Big shocker alert!) I may need to do something different if I want different results.
So. I have a new goal. Everyday I will do (at least) ONE THING for the business side. This does NOT include making work. I’m going to make it a habit to get the business stuff worked on, and who knows, I might even enjoy it!
Ah! Here’s to learning DISCIPLINE!
I had an interesting experience on Friday morning. I was invited to a women’s circle, and I said yes. I love women’s circles!
It’s a chance to come together as women to share!
To feel!
To connect!
Ah! It can be so so enriching and validating.
Anyway, I was really looking forward to it. I’m such in a place of wanting to expand my friendship base to more heart centered people that are doing work on themselves, and are willing to be open and vulnerable.
We sat in a circle and all introduced ourselves. There were some that had been coming for a long time, and a couple of us were brand new. I suddenly realized that not only was I surrounded with like-minded, open, vulnerable women BUT they were all extremely successful, magnetic, and powerful creators as well. Suddenly I felt a bit intimidated and when it was my time to speak, completely forgot what to say. I totally forgot to say anything about me being AN ARTIST or anything that I want to do or create. It was like I was just milling around aimlessly. I think in hindsight, I just felt like I wasn’t enough.
As I was driving home I kept replaying what happened in my head. ‘Ahahlsdkf! Why wasn’t I more confident? Why couldn’t I think of what to say? Why did I leave everything personal out of what I was saying?’
Then my self talk got even worse. (sad face)
‘Maybe I shouldn’t be a part of this group, these women have it all together. They probably think I’m just this ridiculous foolish girl. I feel dumb and not good enough. I’m sure everything I say probably sounds so stupid to them.’
I’ve heard those words before. They were reminding me of some horrible old beliefs that I thought I’d already squashed. As I started to slip down that yucky path, something stopped me.
Then suddenly, I noticed another voice. This one was hidden behind the pushy loud one. It was patient and soft, but still steady. It said, ‘What if you were invited to this circle for a reason. You’ve been saying that you want more depth, more vulnerability. Maybe this is exactly where you need to be to learn to show up fully as yourself and keep your heart open to learning even more. It doesn’t matter how much they have accomplished, these women are so open to having you here as well. They have plenty to teach you, but you have plenty to teach them as well.’
I sat there for a moment, in traffic, and took a deep breath. This is where I got to choose which voice to listen to. The second one sounded strong and powerful, I’d definitely PREFER to listen to that one.
It’s so funny how easy it is sometimes to ASSUME that we aren’t good enough for some things, that we aren’t ready. We can ASSUME the other people have more of the answers than we do, or they are just plain smarter or prettier or better than us, and that because of that, we don’t DESERVE to be there. That our presence won’t influence the group at all, that our existence isn’t going to spark anyone, or touch anyone, or mean anything. But I’m not going to let those feelings stop me this time. It’s okay for me to feel my insecurities. I can feel them with compassion and let them go.
And then I can rise to the occasion.
I’m back! The hubby and I took a little vacation to Ohio while the kids have been gone. It was so wonderful to see a part of the US that we hadn’t discovered. Ah! We went to Cedar Point and rode roller coasters until I thought we were both going to puke. hahahha And it made me realize one of the (many many) reasons I love him so much.
He shows me how to play.
We were at an amusement park for 8 hours by ourselves! We laughed and teased and kissed and played and ate french fries. When we were leaving with a flip flopped stomach, I felt myself wanting to cry. I never knew how to play before I met him. Never. Life was a constant tiring cycle of not feeling like I was DOING ENOUGH. I would NEVER have gone to an amusement park and spent MONEY just to play.
Isn’t this kind of thing CARELESS? RECKLESS? Not being an adult?
Maybe life is supposed to be…. fun. Maybe that’s just not what we were taught, but maybe it’s actually supposed to be a LOT OF FUN.
Anyway, I’m back home with a new appreciation for my man, and my life, and a new desire to wrap my arms around everything that is FUN and PLAY and smother my face into it. Engage in it! Be present with the laughing and the smiles and the fluttering hearts.
What if life is supposed to feel good?
Ahhhh! Can’t believe it’s already Friday again! Seems so crazy I was in Utah a week ago. I had this really great yoga class this morning. It felt so good to go back to basics (without all the torture and weights). It was back to deep breathing and acknowledging my body moving all by itself. Anyway, sometimes the yoga teachers have cheesy messages about life that they throw in during the practice. The messages can seem a little forced as if they thought of it on the drive over out of obligation, so then I do a little bit of a mind wander. Other times you can tell that the teacher’s had an epiphany of their own that they are sharing. These times their message seems deeply rooted like ancient wisdom being passed down.
This morning was one of those times.
What she said was simple but it was just what I needed to hear.
She said, ‘I believe everything that happens in our lives, even if it’s difficult, is for a reason. It is to teach us something. So it’s important to thank the universe for all of it, even the hard lessons.’
I also believe everything happens for a reason, but I haven’t done the second part very often. It was a great reminder to be sincerely grateful for the parts of my life that I don’t yet understand, and the faith to know that I will someday.
Ah! I love finding tidbits of inspiration throughout the day. I can feel myself becoming so much stronger and wiser and easier on myself. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Hello everyone! I hope you’re all having a wonderful Thursday morning!
Right when I think ‘Sheesh! The universe has been giving me so many lessons lately, I’m sure there will be a nice break,..another one pops up. Ha!’ I hope I always feel that way about my life.
I can CRY easily and often so I’ve always known that I’m just really expressive with my emotions. I’m this wet well of feelings and I’ve learned to accept it. However, I’m seeing now that there maybe more to the story. I’ve recently started to get some coaching on personal stuff and I’ve come to find out that just because I CRY it doesn’t mean I’ve cleared the emotional experience out of me. Whhhhhhhhhhhat.
So. My assignment for the next couple of weeks is to do this feeling meditation to release past feelings that did not get fully felt. It’s actually pretty scary. Surprisingly there are so many experiences that I’ve dreaded looking back into. So I’m grateful that I’ve been able to muster up enough courage to do this. Something that helps is when I remind myself that FEELINGS CAN’T HURT US, they are meant to be felt. They can only hurt us if we don’t feel them. Hm.
Because I’m in the feelings mode, I’ve decided to take it a step further and become aware of when I’m avoiding feelings in my everyday life. It looks like nothing on the outside: ‘Oh shoot, I feel annoyed, so I’m going to go paint. Or. ‘ Yikes I feel angry, I need to go to the gym and forget.’ I usually do healthy things, but they are still a way of attempting to alleviate the pain of FEELING, instead of just embracing the feeling and letting it go.
And then I had the craziest realization.
I even do it with JOY! There are times when I have avoided even feeling the DEPTH of my joy. Can you believe it??? Seems crazy I know, but since I’m working more towards being PRESENT with everything I’m doing, I discovered this sad truth.
There are many times when I’m painting, and just as I’m settling in and feeling the warm elation of doing what I love, I’ll distract myself by NEEDING TO TEXT SOMEONE RIGHT NOW, or
SUDDENLY NEEDING TO CHECK ON AMAZON FOR A PRODUCT.
I know it’s not like I’m doing heroin, this is obviously much smaller scale. But I don’t want to shut off my joy in any way. If I’m used to shutting off my sadness or my anger or my hurt, it makes perfect sense that JOY could get squashed as well. What about you? Does this resonate with any of you?
Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!! I love getting these realizations because then I can make a tweak!
Yesterday, I put my phone away when I was making art. I sat in the silence so the only sound was my breath, and the paintbrush sliding across the paper. And. I. Was. In. Bliss.
I’m just going to believe that the more I embrace feeling my feelings all the way to the bottom, there will be more space for clarity, focus, connection and creativity.
xo
I was just out on a beautiful long hike with a good friend of mine. I love the mixture of deep talks and nature, there’s sort of nothing like it.
Anyway, she has recently gotten her real estate license for California and I was asking her what the PLANS ARE.
I love what she said!! She started with, “I’m really checking in with myself every day to feel where I am and where I’d like to be. I’m heading in one direction, but who knows, I may end up heading in a different direction. But I’m going to move where my heart feels it should go.”
I love this for so many reasons. First of all this crazy society we live in is all about ACCOMPLISHMENT. We set out on a path (any path) and if we decide along the way that we don’t like it or want it anymore, we usually either:
A. Push even harder! I must conquer! I must win! I will ACCOMPLISH these dreams! (Even if they aren’t anymore, but don’t tell anyone.)
B. I’m going to quit everything and then feel super shitty about myself. Oh gawd what is wrong with me? I can never finish anything. I’m so scared to START something, I may decide I don’t like the path I choose.
What is it that has terrified us into making the WRONG decision? What if we are really here to experience and expand and check in with what our soul needs?
What if the word accomplishMENT is really what are we MENT to accomplish? What if it’s not whatever we can get our hands on. What if it’s what our soul is truly MENT to do, not all the anxious buzzing bullshit that only looks great on paper but feels empty inside.
I loooooooooove that my friend was able to articulate her feelings about possibly migrating from one thing to the next. Knowing what she’d like to do now, but also honoring herself for the inevitable changes she’ll make along the way.
My girlfriend went on to say that she is not sure what her next venture in life will be, but she knows that she will NOT be pulled to do something just for the money.
She also said that she is OKAY NOT KNOWING where will end up.
She is comfortable in the unknowing, of trusting that the answers she needs will show up when she needs them.
Woa. How would it be to live like this? To gently move from one truth to another, from one trusting moment to bliss to passion to joy and back to trusting?
What if life can really be like this?
So I’m checking in with me.
All the parts that have felt embarrassed or vulnerable for passionately starting ideas and businesses and friendships and projects and relationships all to find out that they weren’t really for me in the long run. That I was seeking them for the wrong reasons. Is that so bad? Hey I’ve been doing things! I’ve been moving forward, and getting my hands dirty and making messes and gaining experiences!
I am going to spend a little time apologizing for all the times that I was angry at myself for NOT FINISHING WHAT I STARTED, NOT CONQUERING!
When maybe, just maybe I was listening to my heart all along. Maybe I got what I needed and then it was time to have a different experience.
Maybe I am whole just as I am, and maybe my heart can (and does) guide me better than I realized.
Sunshine and Cerulean 