Passion and then WHAT?

I have always been excited about life. I have always been curious and fascinated and desiring to experience all. Of. It.

But one thing held me back from saying yes to EVERYTHING.

Art.

As interested and enamored and in awe as I have always been with the nuances of life, I also knew that if I ‘took on’ everything that caught my attention, there was a chance I would end up a shell that didn’t have any time for the one thing that fills me up more than most everything.

Making art. 

So I didn’t commit.

I didn’t take that class or research, or learn the things that gently knocked on my heart.

I’d get swept up for just a moment fantasizing about something new and adventurous, and at the last second I would decide not to take the plunge and explore down a different path.

When one has lived their life skipping from one piece of passion to another, and only moving forward when it’s hot and sizzling and wild, that are pieces that might have gotten missed.

I never followed a path that I laid out before me. Moving through it, sometimes slowly, just to get to the end. I would stop half way if it felt anything less than mountains moving.

I think in some ways I recognized that I had something really great. There are many people that don’t feel PASSION at all. The fact that I have it, I should probably hold onto it with tight fingers.
Hide it.
Keep it safe.
Make sure it doesn’t slip away, or worse, have it feel as if I am ungrateful or don’t care.

I guess by me always choosing art first AND ONLY, I felt like I was honoring the passion inside me. But I can see now that I was not respecting all parts of me.

I was always leaving the gnawing, whispering, playful questions at the backdoor. Unattended to. 

Maybe if I pursue/learn/dive in to all these new exciting curiosities, they may not feel the way art does.

Is that okay?

Maybe creating art is supposed to feel different for me. Maybe it will always be the place I can re-find me. Where I can curl up and breathe life back into my soul. Maybe that doesn’t happen with every activity/hobby/interest that I have.

Maybe these interests will STILL enhance my life.

Maybe I will STILL learn more about myself and my gifts.

As I ask myself these questions, I’ve decided that I no longer want to deny urges I have to experience life.
This year will be different.
This year I will move forward even with small quivers of my curiosities.
I will trust that what I’m curious about is there for a reason.

I will trust that there is so much more to discover about myself.

I will trust that life isn’t only buzzing, passionate smoldering energy. It is the space between as well. It is the not knowing, it is the dark lonely paths and uncharted heaviness. It is the light moments of joy that may not be connected to any depth.

I am going to discover all of those parts of myself as well.

Yea for the journey! Wow! I didn’t even know what I was going to write about when I sat down. This is what is so healing about writing. This blog is way more for me than anyone else. I am okay with no one ever reading it. What I get from just writing out my feelings is so phenomenal. If anyone happens to read it and understand or something connected for them through it, that’s great. But it’s not why I’m doing it. I love linking these thoughts and feelings together and walking away with a better understanding of who I am and what I want out of life. Yessssssssssss!

What have you discovered lately about yourself?

 

Fear of Being Wrong

It’s so refreshing to see this. Ahhhh All the times I would finish an art piece, or a creative idea, assuming it would ‘be good,’ only to find that it wasn’t. I felt like a failure once again. From now on I am going to do what Kadavy suggests, ‘Just keep making things.’ Some will be good and many, many will be not so good. It’s the starting and finishing that matters. That is what makes US BETTER.

 

fear of being wrong quote, 11-19-18

Heart to Start

I was browsing through Amazon about a week ago and saw some great reviews for this book called Heart to Start by David Kadavy. At first glance I was thinking maybe it would only be for people that just couldn’t start AT ALL. But I decided to purchase it anyway, trusting that there were probably going to be plenty of things for me to learn.

He mentioned that adults have a hard time ‘being curious’ because we all feel that once we learn something we need to monetize it. And yet, by him BEING CURIOUS and learning all that he was naturally interested in, he was able to write books and CREATE based on combining his interests! I love that he shared this! Just hearing another artist talk about ‘all their interests’ suddenly made me take a deep breath.

I have a lot of interests.

I always have, I have always been FASCINATED by life.

And yet, in my attempt to ‘not be the crazy artist lady with all kinds of random hobbies and interests,’ I have swallowed them down and decided only to paint. It’s hard sometimes because I can get lost in making art. It soothes my soul, it makes me feel.

However.
What about all the other things I am curious about?

What David wrote snapped me out of it.

What if I am exactly as I am supposed to be?
What if I can create with all of my interests combined?
What if that is WHAT makes me unique and genuine and authentic, the way I want to be?

I am sure Kadavy’s desire was to share this tiny lesson for those of us that have judged our innate curiosity, and for that I am so grateful.  I feel so free, and I have started creating a calendar of adding new interests to it.
If you’re interested in getting started in new ways with passion and drive and fun, check out his book. I am already starting some of his handy tips and they are WORKING.

Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Flow

I started this piece a couple of weeks ago when I was in the throws of extreme anxiety. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. I was obsessing and my heart wouldn’t stop pounding.

So I picked up the paintbrush and let my hand lead. Usually I get super stiff when I attempt something large, but I was in such a state, I hardly noticed that I was working on a 16 x 20 canvas.

As I continued through endless hours of painting movement, I realized the lesson here. Life is always in motion, always in flow; if we allow it. The more that I can remember that, and allow the bigger picture to come into view, I can rise above anxiety.

So here is my first finished piece of flow.

ahhhhh I will be finishing my next very soon! xo

Soul on Fire

If I were to ask myself, ‘what is something I love about who I am?’ I would have to say my passion. Sometimes it gets me in trouble, sometimes I come across as too loud or too firm or too whatever. But the way it pulses through me, igniting me, I would experience life no other way.

It is who I am to the core.

Life for me without the unhinging, tear jerking, screeching, belly laughingly intense passion would be far far less exciting.

In this piece I thought about what happens inside my body when I get an idea. When my blood is pulsing, my heart is pounding and I can see so clearly what I believe, what I want, and what I am creating.

This is my soul on fire.

Passion

If I were to paint passion, this is what it would look like.

I have realized lately that though I am creating what feels natural to me, I am craving more meaning. I love depth and so appreciate realizations and growth and change. I know, shocking isn’t it?

This piece is reminding me that I can have an intention for an emotion or feeling and create from there. Ah! This feels like passion, exploding, moving, exploring, vibrating.. Ah!

Making Art

Sometimes it’s like crawling into a dark cave that I’ve found. I have my backpack and flashlight, and I’m totally by myself. I am elated! My heart pumping, my hands a little shaky, my body is buzzing with electricity. I can literally taste this journey! Ahhh!!

After awhile of joyfully exploring, my flashlight suddenly goes out and I am alone in the dark. The darkness is unexpected. I don’t know why it always is, but it is. At first, it’s fine. My heart skips a beat, but then I calm. I am sure it was just a small mishap.

But the light doesn’t go back on, and panic consumes me. Instead of allowing it to bleed through me, I fight it. I bang my flashlight against the wall, I jump up and down screaming for help. But nothing happens. I am alone.

After a bit, I start to walk forward with no light. The excitement of a new creation, of discovering a hidden world has been put on hold, because it’s all about survival now. I can’t see one foot in front of me, so every step is a moment of trust.

I survived. I am still here, but I’m growing tired. I long for a piece of clarity, a tiny aha moment, maybe an ounce of belief. As I rub my eyes, a dim light slowly begins simmering through the flashlight.

I can see! I can see! Even if it’s vague and diluted, it’s there!

My heart starts beating faster and faster as I fill with relief and then joy and finally passion. This unbelievable passion. I galloping in the darkened cave.

“I can do anything,” I whisper as tears sting my eyes.

It’s like everything in the world is making sense. I can do this! I feel my mind sharpening and my body is electric. Everything is right, everything is beautiful. The cave walls seem to shine with iridescent colors, beckoning me to continue.

But suddenly the light goes out again.

What? This can’t be! I knew where I was going! What happened?

“Okay Jackie you can do this, you did it before.” I say out loud. And then I wait, expecting the light to go on. But it doesn’t.

So I trudge forward once again, deep in the blackness, holding the walls to keep myself from falling.

Now this is the part where I used to sit down in the cave waiting for death, or if I wasn’t too far in, I’d turn around and go back home.

This is again where it is scary and uncomfortable.

But I’m not leaving this time.

When I close my eyes, for a split second, I saw the end of the tunnel! I swear it was there, lit up with warmth. I need to keep moving forward until I see it for real.

The light will go on again to guide me, right?
If so, when?

Regardless,… I will keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other. Focusing on the image in my head, stamped on my heart. I can follow that.

I can trust what I see inside.

Passion!

Here’s to the bursting buzzing excitement that is stored in all of us. The giddy deliciousness that bubbles over into explosive gasping pieces of joy like confetti in a windstorm.

Here’s to the fire pulsing at the bottom of our guts vibrating, moving, seething,.. ready to boil over.
And the hot sticky tears, overwhelmed with laughter!

Ahhhh!! Passion!

 

 

Microscopic

So one of the things I’m super fascinated with is microscopic photos of cells. Ahhhh!! I want to paint them!! I’ve seen some amazingly detailed pictures of flower and plant cells and have been planning on creating something that is inspired by that. Though I still may do that, I stumbled upon something sooooooooooooooooooooo freakin cool.

I loved Neuropsychology and Molecular Biology and at one time thought maybe I’d become a college professor to teach this stuff. I was so unbelievable fascinated! Well….. I happen to come across photos of oxytocin, and adrenaline under a microscope. Ahhhh!

And! Human body cells,… like heart, skin, and embryos! Oh my gosh I can barely breathe, I’m so excited. What if I created pieces based on these??? Wow. Finding similarities between the microscopic photos so they create a sort of story or message,.. like the heart cells interwoven with oxytocin… Or heart, skin and brain.

Ahhhh! I just needed to get this out there. My heart is beating so fast. ahhah!!

Okay okay I’ll post when I have something.

xo

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