Girls Girls Girls

I was chilling on my yoga mat on Saturday morning, right before class started. Heat began flooding into the room, and it was filling up with lots of fellow yogis.

There was a girl next to me minding her own business, like most of us. But something about her made me realize something.

Girls are so funny. I mean not all of them, but a good portion of us are. We tend to be so competitive. I know I have been. Wanting to be acknowledged by them, maybe seen as the best or better, wanting to prove something.

And yet, in this crazy world right now, with all these women’s marches, etc. it’s obvious we are craving more women connection.

But can we do it?

Maybe I’m speaking only for myself. I am very aware that some of my girlfriends (especially my sister in law) meet other women with a pure open heart. She’s warm and makes eye contact and is truly waiting to connect.

I say I want the same thing as well, and yet if I’m totally honest about myself right now, I don’t really put it out there to women I don’t already know. I think I probably still operate out of the fear of not being enough, so I don’t always make eye contact, or smile the way that I could. It hasn’t been my intention to put other people at ease. It’s not that I don’t care, but it’s just not on my mind. I have been more concerned with HOW I AM PERCEIVED.

Now that I really look at it, it makes me sad to be that way.

I know I can change this, but it makes me curious, where did it start?

I have heard that women have been competitive with other women since the beginning of time. When we were a bunch of hulking cave women and needed to make sure no other burly cave woman was going to steal our caveman. Maybe that’s true, or maybe it’s just been learned through society.

We all know the mean girls in school.

I was never one of those. In fact, I was the girl that would take a scared newbie under my wing, and invite them to sit with me. But I certainly had felt like I wasn’t good enough for certain girl groups, and that made me steer clear of many of them. Don’t girls gossip and one up each other? At least that was what I was used to, and I did attract some really mean ones for a long time.

I am sure many of you may have also gone through a bitchy gossipy stage like I did as well. It felt better (at the time) to put down other women then actually feel my own feelings about my inadequacies. That didn’t last long, and I’m definitely not there now.

Also, for some reason if I saw a girl that I thought was prettier than me or more talented, I have assumed that she was a snob or that she was really better than me. So I wouldn’t go out of my way to connect. This isn’t fair to her at all, and I want to change it.

What I would prefer is to NOT jump into a place of being competitive, or assuming that I’m not on someone’s level.

I want to be MORE open and loving, and ready to connect with all women, recognizing that no matter what someone looks like, they are still going through difficult things in their life that they don’t have answers to.

I want to remember that we aren’t all that different.

I want to fully invest in being a really awesome friend to all women, even ones that I will never be close to.

It’s my goal starting today to make eye contact with everyone, everywhere I go, and send them all love. I am going to be the one that smiles and says ‘hello’ first, and has compassion when someone doesn’t say it back. Because I get it. Females can be strange, but we have protected ourselves long enough. It’s time to have each other’s back.

Map It

I have this special thing with maps. I love the intricate lines and the way the streets overlap each other. I’ve been making these map drawings for quite awhile and now I’d really like to somehow base them on a city. Usually I just draw whatever my hand wants to draw, but I wonder if I were looking at a city map of San Diego, or LA, while I was doing this what would happen. Hmmm Maybe I’ll give it a try!

What do you think?

Doin’ It Yoga Style

I have this extreme love/hate relationship with this hardcore yoga class called yoga sculpt. The temperature is turned up so high your body begins dripping with sweat, and then along with some yoga moves, you are pumping iron

WITH WEIGHTS.

The first time I did it I ended up stopping in the middle, totally done, gasping for breath on the floor and thought I was going to die. Seriously. I have worked out my entire life and yet this is the absolute hardest class I have ever done.

Now this is where things get interesting. Sure the class is hard, sure it’s like a fucking nightmare, lez be honest. But it does end! The intervals end, the downward dogs end, the horrible squats, all end.

It was a habit of mine for most of the time I was in this class to STOP when it got horrible. My chest starts burning, and my limbs shake so hard I think they will fall off, and there is so much sweat on my face that my contacts are swimming. So I would stop.

I started to believe that I COULDN’T go on.

Stopping became a habit.

 

And then I realized something.

I’m stopping before the miracle even happens. I’m stopping when it gets tough, when I feel super uncomfortable,..

I was outta there.

This didn’t just happen in yoga for me, it was like my whole life was laid out on the mat.

I’VE DONE THIS BEFORE IN SO MANY AREAS OF MY LIFE.

Life gets horrible, or feels nearly impossible and I checked out.

So what if I start to do things differently in this yoga class? Maybe there’s a chance that I start to become more aware of it in my life. What I have also realized is that it’s okay to slow down. What if instead of STOPPING, I get really present and breathe in compassion and MOVE SLOWER,

BUT DON’T STOP?

I’m not always perfect about this little tweak. Sometimes I still get so mind bobblingly ill that I have to stop, and that is okay. But I would say in general I push myself more.

Isn’t this true about LIFE? All parts of LIFE? Creating art or having relationships or finding a great job or doing really anything? If we QUIT when it hurts or feels yucky, what happens? We miss out. The art won’t get looked at, we won’t get that great job, we won’t work out relationship issues,

NOTHING WILL CHANGE.

I’m focusing on slowing down if I need to, but NOT STOPPING. I can do this, I can get through life (and HORRIBLY AMAZING yoga). There is always an ebb and flow, and it always gets better. I can do this, and so can you. We can move through even when it’s hard.

 

 

Girl Time

I just returned from a long walk close to the beach with my sister in law. We’ve decided to do this every Tuesday from now on. Ahhh!! I just love my time with her! There is seriously nothing better than girl time where BOTH of you get to purge your thoughts and feelings and BOTH of you are engaged in what’s being said. I always leave feeling really heard and much lighter. It’s also helpful that BOTH of us are always looking for ways that we can be our best and truest selves. Sometimes rare to find that in a friend.

Anyway.

I’m seeing how important more GIRL TIME is in my life, and how easy it is to let it slip away. As much as I love my hubby, which I do more than anything, he’s not a WOMAN and I crave female interaction. When I don’t have it for long periods of time, I feel like I try shaping him into a girlfriend.

‘Please don’t give me a SOLUTION, I just need to feel.’ Ha!

He’s so good at attempting, but even as I say out loud what I need from him, I can hear how silly it sounds.

This video is my favorite depiction of gender differences. ahhahah! It’s so perfect!!!

I am always wanting to cry about ‘the nail’ before I can do anything about it. ahahhah

So much to do so much time

In this crazy, buzzy world it’s been so easy to get anxious about TIME.  The day is moving away from me, I didn’t get this done or that or that or that! How frickin’ mind boggling! The day would leave me gasping for breath, unfunctionable and drained.

I’m looking in my art journal right now and it’s full of designs, doodles to try on a larger scale, tiny pen marks that excite me and make me hungry to create. Now, in the past I would see this as something I need to do NOW. RIGHT NOW. LIKE NOW NOW.

But really, the more that I spend time MAKING WORK, the more TIME I realize it actually takes for each piece to make it the way I want it.

The more that I am starting to

CHILL THE FUCK OUT.

Like seriously. I thought I was a pretty chill laid back chic before, but that was only because it was when I was relaxed that I was even aware. I have NOT been relaxed in my life. I’ve been a HARD CORE, FINGER PICKING, STRESS FACE. And you know what, it’s not that great. I didn’t feel great about myself. I didn’t feel strong or magical or at peace. AT all. So I’m not gunna do it anymore.

What is the most loving thing I can do for myself.

Make some fuckin art.

Introducing.. the art journal

Hello again!

I hope everyone is having a wonderful Thursday. The sun is finally shining out here. Oh my gosh there has been so much rain, it lovingly looks like Ireland outside. So plush! So deep! So clear! But to be honest, I’m really craving the good ol’ fashioned hot weather I’m used to here in North County San Diego.

I’m feeling a little bit under the weather today. I knew I wanted to get this blog post up early this am, but not feeling amazing, and also having the kids over last night proved to be a little more maneuvering than I had hoped. I don’t know how you full time parents do it. I may have the best schedule set up in the world, but if the kids are here, it’s so much harder to stick to it. 🙂

Anyway.

I did think ‘Oh maybe I can just miss today blogging,’ or do it later in the afternoon. But I know that it’s not going to become a habit if I don’t make it a priority. So. There you go. Real life working shit out. Ha!

I’m in an interesting place with art today.

First of all, I’m so so so so so utterly grateful that I get to CREATE everyday, that my husband values me doing what I want and need, and he’s seriously my biggest cheerleader.

Second of all, I have ideas bursting out of me every couple of hours. I get this ‘Aha!!!’ moment and I see something new in my head. It’s very exciting, and invigorating.

The part that’s interesting is I haven’t made much finished work lately. I feel like I’m learning all over again how to do that. I’ve carried my art journals around for years with me even during the time that I was trying NOT to be an artist. I need them, I instantly feel more myself doodling and drawing and painting. This is where I also jot down shopping lists, write my innermost feelings, or slap paint through the pages as a release when I’m too emotional to breathe. I love creating, and the best part is:

I don’t even think about how it’ll look when it’s finished. Nothing is ever finished! It’s always been this ever evolving purge of juicy passionate creation.

Okay.

So now, I’m here in my life to make actual work, and I’m figuring that out. ahhahah It’s kind of an interesting experience. I am pivoting to use my art journal along with everyday purging to try out all these ideas!What I’ve realized, is that so far in many ways, I’m much more tenuous with my precious blank piece of paper or canvas then I am with my messy art journal. I mean it makes sense. It’s not what I am used to. But I really love the organic explosion of what I’ve done hidden away in my books. So I’m learning how to bring that sense of play into actual pieces. I’m excited about this! I can do this, it make take an adjustment, but part of it is probably just trusting that I can create. That I am an artist and I can create on art journal paper, or canvas, or thick delicious watercolor paper. Whatever mediums I choose to use, I can use.

Art journals will always be my special release. Anyone ever used one? They have really helped me embrace play, and not be so afraid of mistakes. Here is a picture of one of my art journal pages. I have over 10 full journals. Each one I’ve used for about a year. They spell out a good chunk of my life.

Where in your life do you get to be your messy passionate self? I’d love to hear your stories!

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑