Becoming Younger

Hello everyone! Happy Monday! I try and get on here at least once a week on Monday’s. But last Monday my hubby and I were visiting his parents, so I wasn’t able to. 😦 Sheesh, it feels like it’s been FOREVER since I’ve written!

I was thinking about something a couple of days ago that I wanted to write about. I remember turning 25 and feeling this horrible rolling pain of insecurity, disgust, and panic. I was so afraid that I was getting OLD, running out of time and had nothing to show for it. It’s so funny to look back and realize how young I actually was.

Society (and social media lez be honest) tells us (subconsciously and blatantly) what we SHOULD have:

  1. Accomplished
  2. Experienced
  3. Purchased

by the time we are 21, or 25, or 30, or 35 or 40 and so on.

I know most of us get involved in some way or another in this anxious fear that:
Where we are isn’t right.
What we are doing isn’t enough.
Who we are isn’t okay.

Something that I am grateful for lately especially, is paving my own way, and enjoying it. I’ve always paved my own way, I’ve always created my own path, but I usually felt ashamed about doing it. I usually felt embarrassed and different and wrong.

Lately, I am seeing my creative veering spirit as a gift. I am finally acknowledging that I have never followed the herd, and that maybe that is okay. Maybe that is in fact PERFECT,.. for me. Maybe I have everything I need right now in this moment. Slowly, all of the yucky phrases I used to say to myself like: ‘You should have done more, you aren’t doing enough, you are wrong, you are bad, you must be lazy, you are different, you are ugly…’ are fading.

If I had to guess, I would say here is why that is happening:

  1. I’m making self care my top priority. I am constantly checking in with how I feel, and treating myself the way I would to a small child. If I am tired, I will take a nap. If I feel emotional, I will cry. I don’t need to know why, I don’t need to figure it out. And I certainly don’t tell myself that it’s silly.
  2. I’m allowing myself to feel the depth of my joy when I am doing the things that I love. For some reason this has been a hard one for me! Even when I am doing art, there is a tendency to check my texts, suddenly do a google search, or look through my email. Making art brings me so much unbelievable joy, but there has been a part of me that didn’t feel I deserve it. So instead, I stop messing with my phone, tune into what my soul is saying and what my an immense amount of joy actually feels like.
  3. Meditation. Okay so I’ve said that I meditate every morning. But that’s not entirely true. Every morning I have gone into my meditation closet with the intention of meditating. But also every morning my super sweet, yet annoying cat also comes in with me and spends the whole time climbing across my lap and meowing into my face. Most of my ‘meditation’ time has been used up quieting him and inside getting so so fucking irritated. Anyway,… now, I am spending the early session (with him climbing on me) acknowledging and listing everything I am grateful for. He loves the energy in my meditation room and eventually relaxes, but I am no longer pushing against him or needing him to be different. A little later in the morning when Nova is sleeping, I sit down to do my actual meditation. This way I can have a really wonderful meditation with no interruptus. 😉 Also I am using Deepak Chopra’s 30 day challenge that I found on YouTube.

It’s so funny how I felt so terrified and old and wrong when I was 25, and in this moment I am 13 years older. 
I actually feel a thousand times more
grounded, more grateful, more creative, more solid, more reverent, more brave, way more attractive, and with a knowing that gifts are continuously coming from the Universe.

I feel like it really is true that age is just a number, and we can become younger, calmer, stronger, lighter, and more patient.

Return From Cuba

I just returned from a very long vacation to Cuba. It was informative and interesting and fascinating, and yet sometimes difficult.

We were on a small ship, and my hubby and I were the youngest ones. ahahh Most everyone was at least 70 yrs. old.

One of the things I witnessed about myself along the trip, was that I didn’t take as good of care of myself as I could have.

There were times when I:
went along with things I didn’t want to do,
kept my opinions to myself,
felt put upon and victimized.

Those were the difficult times.

I only got home a couple of days ago, and both my hubby and I unfortunately caught some horrible cold/flu on the ship so we have been in bed late Friday night. I can’t help wondering if our inability to check in with our desires, our need to go along with plans that we didn’t like, and our sometimes dis-empowered feelings contributed to our immune system being lowered enough to get this sick.

Or maybe it was just being stuck on a bus 3 days in a row for 9 hours each, with a bunch of sick humans. ahhah

Whatever it is, what I do know is that when we aren’t being fully ourselves, and not speaking our truth, listening to what WE NEED, life can feel harder than it needs to.

I meditated at home Saturday morning, and just sitting alone in quiet, I realized that I didn’t give myself any of that on the ship. There was a lot of going going going, but I didn’t carve out the space, the time. I didn’t make ME more important. In fact, I somehow fell to the bottom of the list.

It showed me how easily it is to slip away from feeling good. But if we just LISTEN to what’s going on inside, if we honor what we truly need, and speak our truth, suddenly things fall into place. Life feels easier, more enjoyable. I know I feel more sure of myself, more confident, more alive.

So it’s just another lesson, and I can start over any time I need.

Even Though

Even though life has been really busy,

I can decide to take a break.

Even though I feel like I’m running out of time,

I can choose to sit in silence and feel my feelings.

Even though there has been so much emotional pain lately,

I can decide to be gentle on myself knowing that I am doing the best I can.

Even though I feel overwhelmed,

I can trust that my body mind and spirit need rest in order to rejuvenate.

Even though I would love clarity,

I know that searching impatiently won’t bring me closer to what I want. I can enjoy where I am and trust that the answers will always show up.

 

Appreciate Again

I appreciate writing in the silence.

I appreciate that I trust I can move through my feelings.

I appreciate that I am resilient.

I appreciate that these noise cancelling headphones keep me wayyyyyyyyyyy more focused.

I appreciate that my hubby is always trying to support me any way he can. Even when I push him away.

I appreciate having a schedule.

I appreciate actually getting things done.

I appreciate trusting that the solutions will come, probably when I stop worrying about the problem.

I appreciate how bright blue the sky is.

I appreciate knowing I can pick my battles.

I appreciate these exciting, creative ideas.

I appreciate being out of the house.

I appreciate that feelings no longer cause shame.

I appreciate that it is okay for me to feel sad.

I appreciate that I can make the changes I want/need at any time.

I appreciate that I can see all these rows and rows of books.

I appreciate that our December looks like your May.

I appreciate that I have fuzzy kittens waiting for me at home.

I appreciate hot tea all day long.

I appreciate recognizing that maybe I feel shitty because I didn’t do my writing this morning. Maybe I can’t just skip something like that.

I appreciate having the fireplace on, once the temperature hits 68.

I appreciate remembering that I am powerful.

I appreciate noticing so many things I am grateful for.

I appreciate that I am creating!

What do I need?

I’ve had an interesting weekend. Actually, it’s been an interesting couple of weeks. Well, if I was REALLY honest, I’d have to say these past 5 months have been ridiculously stressful, interesting and full of twists and turns. It seems like everyday is filled with so many highs and lows. How can they possibly pack into one day???

It’s funny how certain times in our lives are like that. And then there could be years where it feels like there is hardly any movement at all.

In times of a lot of change, I used to be harsh on myself. Feeling like I needed to buckle down, push harder, do more. Being annoyed at myself that I was TIRED or ANGRY or SAD. And that I needed to SWALLOW those feelings down and push.

Now I am (FINALLY) realizing that the chaos is hard enough. Being mean to myself, or expecting so much of myself ends up not helping at all.

So I take a different approach.

I tell my body it is doing awesome. I breathe deeply. I sit in silence. I tell myself I know it’s been stressful and it’s going to all work out, I will be fine. I tell my heart that it is safe and that love surrounds me. I ask myself, “What do I need?” And I listen.

Then I take a nap.

Sometimes life is hard enough. We don’t need to make it worse. In order for me to see the gifts, I need to take care of myself first. Or I will miss all of them!

Sending you all love and light that you will take care of YOU first.

Intention

I know, it’s been forever since I’ve written on this blog. The last couple of weeks have been extremely stressful, and I’ve gone back to the basics, meditation and making art. Sometimes I feel like I’m not doing enough. Enough marketing! Enough working on my website! Enough learning Photoshop. But honestly, I am slowly learning that getting myself into a good place is more important than writing on this, or sending my art out into social media. I just need to reclaim Jackie, and I know how to do it.

Anyway, this is a piece I made while thinking of the concept of ‘Intention.’ The way a direction, an intention moves through us, sinking into our reality. This is what happened when I painted intention. I appreciate the movement of it and the way it feels like it’s burrowing into something, planting. These current pieces I’m working on are showcasing the paint instead of letting the pen stand out. I feel like my style is coming out of this. ah!

This was so much fun and I can’t wait to create more based on feelings and affirmations I want to experience more in my life. YEsssssssssssssss

Manifesting Mother

It’s been a long time since I’ve actually written WRITTEN about my life and my lessons. I had an interesting experience a couple weeks ago that has been a total reset in my life.

Years ago I shared spiritual books with my mother about healing our bodies with our thoughts, visualizations, and focusing on what we appreciate to bring forth what we want in our lives. I remember being so excited to share these things with her. I bought her a book and assumed we would have long chats about it.

However,… it just didn’t stick.

She was in a different place in her life, and even though I was disappointed, I had to let go and let it be.

At the beginning of this year, something pretty amazing happened. My mother got a hold of a book that completely inspired her. She called me in a state of utter joy from the things she was learning about the Universe. All of a sudden, her life began to shift. She started visualizing a new place to live, trusting that it would come to her at the right moment. She began focusing on the parts of her life that she loves.

The words came to her when SHE needed to hear them, and they were written perfectly FOR HER.

Out of nowhere she found this incredible apartment, paid for the first month before her house even had thoughts of selling, and right away her life began taking off in new directionS. The amount of trust she had just blows me away.

Fast forward a couple months, she is in this perfect cabiny apartment with hiking trails around the back, an amazing view, horses in the front, the opportunity to swim in a salt water pool, new, spiritual friends coming out of the woodwork, and the incredible belief that the Universe has her back.

It’s funny, though these have been my beliefs for quite some time, I was getting off track like we all do. I felt tired a lot and was back and forth exhausting my thoughts with things that aren’t working instead of inspiring myself with what is.

Visiting her, and experiencing the magic that just surrounded her wherever she went, was exactly the medicine I needed.

Here I was attempting to TEACH her years ago, and she ends up being the missing piece for me.

Being in her little cabin brought chills to my arms. It is so absolutely HER that I felt like I was in a movie. Wow!

I came home with a new zest for life.  A new clarity that the Universe always has our back, and that appreciating where we are now and expecting even more gifts, is what it is all about.

I am so inspired, and love how I am constantly guided to experience exactly what I need at all times.

1440

So I had never heard of 1440 in Scotts Valley, CA until my sister in law suggested we check it out. There was going to be a speaker there that she loves. I just agreed, because I love her, but still had no idea what I was in for.

Turns out, not only is the facility absolutely incredible and vibrating with energy, the food is phenomenal, the people are full of depth, and the speaker was exactly what I needed to hear.

Sharon Salzberg led us in deep discussions about compassion and love and kindness and tied it up in a nice package of meditation.

There is nothing better than getting an epiphany about something that’s been buzzing around in our heads. That’s exactly what I got. I realized that I’ve been associating doing  with being kind. I’ve gotten myself in a situation where I’m doing too much and now I’m drained. In the midst of all of this, hearing Sharon say that we can’t be giving if our vessel isn’t full, I had this realization. As much as I love to give, and I love to help out, if I end up doing more because I feel obligated, than I’m not giving from a good place. If I’m not doing things out of a place that feels good to me it certainly isn’t going to be good for anyone else.

I have known this intellectually, I know that. But something about the way she worded it, totally put me in a place of empowerment. Yes! That’s it! Because I love to give. Me giving isn’t the problem! But when the intention is to ‘make up for someone else,’ that’s not true giving, and that’s why it doesn’t feel right. A ha!

 

By the way, if you’re needing a place to replenish your body mind and spirit, check out 1440. It is truly amazing. I can’t wait to go back!!

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