Old Friends Same Love

Hello! Wow, it’s been so long since I’ve written. I hope the holidays went well for everyone.

I’m working through some feelings about old friends. I think I have probably always seen my life as seasons and chapters. In one chapter these people where the ones I was super close to, or in this one, I was doing these things, and had this friend. Seeing life this way has made it a lot easier for me to recognize that these people were in it for that specific time and place, for lessons I needed to learn, and they aren’t necessarily going to be in all parts of my life. Now that’s not true for everyone. There are some friends where we have walked through more than one chapter together, hand in hand, and it’s been exactly what both of us needed. But when that happens, I think it’s because we were both learning and growing together, and from each other. Once the growth doesn’t feel in sync anymore, it makes sense that the relationship isn’t as strong, or it just goes away.

Even though I really get this intellectually, and have seen it play out many times in my life, it still makes me sad when I think about old friends. I feel sad that I don’t push to have them in my life, even if I know we are in different places. I feel guilty that I’m not missing them the way I feel I SHOULD.

I love my old friends. The ones that were with me through so much. The very small, few that knew everything about me, and I knew everything about them. I miss feeling like I had those select people where we could talk and laugh for hours. I miss feeling that comfortable with someone. I miss that we could finish each other’s sentences or give each other a LOOK and we knew exactly what that meant.

There is a lot that I miss. 

But I’ve changed. I’ve changed a lot. Some of these friends, it’s been 20 years since we were close. That’s a whole lifetime! I wouldn’t even recognize myself. For other friends, it’s been more of a slow burn. Maybe we stayed friends longer than we should of, but because of the love we both had, we stayed? For those friends, I’ve also changed.

I don’t miss the relationship.

I don’t miss feeling like I couldn’t fully speak my truth. I don’t miss feeling like we couldn’t work through anything.

Growth is hard I am realizing. I love learning about myself and growing, but this is one of those horribly painful growing pains. I’m just unable to swallow down how I feel anymore, and I can’t keep old relationships alive if that is what it takes. I would have loved it if we had moved at the same pace, if we had worked towards similar things. But I can see now that ‘my way’ isn’t the right way.

It’s just different. 

So in order for me to take care of ME, to honor ME, I will send love.

I will send the love that has always been there from the beginning of our friendship. But I need to hold myself up with more love than I have before, and I cannot settle when it doesn’t feel right.

I love you for the memories we had together, for having you to tell my secrets to, for feeling included and safe in your presence. I will always love you and I will continue to send you love as you journey through your life.

 

Allowing It to Just Freakin Be

It’s December 3rd, I can’t believe it. It seems like yesterday we were headed out on a family vacation in the middle of summer. This last quarter of the year is flying by so fast, isn’t it?

I know I am allowing life to move easier when I suddenly realize ‘oh! This is normally when I would have beat myself up!’

This is the place I would have looked around and realized that I have NOT been working out the way I need to, and I would have been so mad at myself.

This is the place I would have felt a thick blanket of misery with all the ‘should haves and ‘what’s wrong with me’s, ‘I’m so lazy,’ and all the ‘I’m not good enoughs.’

But I don’t feel that way at all.

Yes, I am soooooooooooooo craving working out more than I have been.

Also yes, I am ready to finally get back into creating my SCHEDULE and sticking to it.

But!

I recognize that sometimes LIFE IS STRESSFUL and full AND WE DO WHAT WE CAN.

That right there is huge for me.

We do what we can.

This month and a 1/2 has been more movement and more stress than the entire year combined. We were flying across the country to find a therapeutic boarding school for our son, days before our daughters Bat Mitzvah. This past week we were moving our son out of his wilderness camp and into his new school, 2 states away.

It’s okay I haven’t been going to the gym as much as I’d like.

It’s okay that my website still isn’t done.

It’s okay that the year is moving on.

I think sometimes I need to remember that the goals we set for ourselves sometimes get interrupted by life, and that is okay.

If I had made my goals my ONLY priority, here’s what I would have missed out on:

  1. Being present with finding B the best school for him.
  2. Being focused on creating the best event we could for our daughter.
  3. Being present at her event and feeling so proud of her, and so much love.
  4. Getting a chance to see B right after as he came down the mountain from LIVING in the wilderness for 3 1/2 month.
  5. Being present to hear everything he wanted to talk about.
  6. Laughing as a family.
  7. Getting extra sleep from all the traveling.
  8. Enjoying a moment at an Italian restaurant with my honey.
  9. Allowing myself to feel all of it after we dropped B off at his new school.

And so much more.

There is still time to do what I am here to do. There is still time for my goals and dreams. But I want to be present in LIFE, I want to participate in the events that won’t happen again ever. That is my priority.

 

Flow

I started this piece a couple of weeks ago when I was in the throws of extreme anxiety. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. I was obsessing and my heart wouldn’t stop pounding.

So I picked up the paintbrush and let my hand lead. Usually I get super stiff when I attempt something large, but I was in such a state, I hardly noticed that I was working on a 16 x 20 canvas.

As I continued through endless hours of painting movement, I realized the lesson here. Life is always in motion, always in flow; if we allow it. The more that I can remember that, and allow the bigger picture to come into view, I can rise above anxiety.

So here is my first finished piece of flow.

ahhhhh I will be finishing my next very soon! xo

Breathe It Out

Everyone has stress in their lives, no matter who they are. Some stress can be helpful buzzy excited stress that keeps us moving from appointment to experience to family to growth. But lately I’ve had the kind of stress that is unfortunately thick anxiety. It’s like a heavy cloud of nerves rumbling and shaking over my head, in between my shoulder blades, around my fingers. It’s been swirling around my eyes and filled my head with jitters and sheer exhaustion. This has been so so so stressful.

What is the line between helpful stress and horrible anxiety?

I know everyone gets stressed. I know LIFE can be stressful no matter what is going on. But what I am in the process of figuring out is HOW I can show up, be present, feel the fear, and then allow myself to let it go so I can FUNCTION like a human.

How do other people do it?

I mean I meditate.
I breathe deeply.
I take walks.
But lately this anxiety has surpassed all of that.

I’ve been remembering that I am in charge of my thoughts. I don’t NEED to be a victim to the chatter in my brain. Who says it’s the truth? Who says I need to listen to it. I guess that’s the helpful part of doing this writing. I have the opportunity to pour it out instead of letting it scald my insides.

I think if I look inside the anxiety, it’s not just the shell of ‘stress’ that is causing me to feel this way. Inside at the core, is shame. It’s this dread that maybe I’m not enough, not capable, not worthy. That something inside isn’t quite right.

It’s funny, LOGICALLY I know that none of that is true, I really do. I know that I am moving in the right direction, I know I am here for many reasons, I know I am enough. So is it just the human condition that we question those things?  Are these deep rooted fears that ALL humans have? Are they old childhood fears that just poke their head up every now and then? I don’t know, but it’s so fascinating.

What I do know is that the concept of SHAME isn’t felt with just me. I know I am not alone with it. But is it a societal experience? Or from our families? It’s like, just because things aren’t going super smooth or maybe our bodies aren’t doing exactly what we would want, why do we have SHAME around it? Why do we feel oh no what is WRONG with me?

I must be:
Different
Bad
Wrong

In reality we ALL have stuff to work on, work through, work around. All of us. And I know that. I know I’m not the only one.

This is really helpful to write through. Remembering that we are all on this journey together and no matter what it is, we do experience similar feelings of stress, isolation, loneliness, sadness, exhaustion, shame.

We are far more alike than different. 

I think if I remember that, if I sit in that, the shame starts to diminish and the stress feels like it’s lessening.

I can take more walks, I can allow space for meditation and writing and be EASIER with myself. I can do that.

I am doing the best I can. My body deserves ease. I can live my life with more ease and trust.

What are ways that you ease anxiety?

Together We Stand

In a time of so much opposition I created this piece to represent the constant connection that we all still have. I think the opposition was there all along, just uprooted with the election of a certain president. But below that, below the unrest and the anger and the outrage, we do connect at the core. We are human. We love. We cry. We feel. We can come together.

 

What do I need?

I’ve had an interesting weekend. Actually, it’s been an interesting couple of weeks. Well, if I was REALLY honest, I’d have to say these past 5 months have been ridiculously stressful, interesting and full of twists and turns. It seems like everyday is filled with so many highs and lows. How can they possibly pack into one day???

It’s funny how certain times in our lives are like that. And then there could be years where it feels like there is hardly any movement at all.

In times of a lot of change, I used to be harsh on myself. Feeling like I needed to buckle down, push harder, do more. Being annoyed at myself that I was TIRED or ANGRY or SAD. And that I needed to SWALLOW those feelings down and push.

Now I am (FINALLY) realizing that the chaos is hard enough. Being mean to myself, or expecting so much of myself ends up not helping at all.

So I take a different approach.

I tell my body it is doing awesome. I breathe deeply. I sit in silence. I tell myself I know it’s been stressful and it’s going to all work out, I will be fine. I tell my heart that it is safe and that love surrounds me. I ask myself, “What do I need?” And I listen.

Then I take a nap.

Sometimes life is hard enough. We don’t need to make it worse. In order for me to see the gifts, I need to take care of myself first. Or I will miss all of them!

Sending you all love and light that you will take care of YOU first.

Coming to Terms With My Past

Working through it,

learning,

growing,

discovering,..

and then beginning to understand how it all fits together.

The things I did, the things I didn’t.

The parts I wanted to hide, the pieces I did hide for way too long.

It’s all part of the journey. The whole time I played with this piece I was thinking about that concept, and once again, coming to terms with my past.

So, that should probably be the title. 🙂 xo

 

1440

So I had never heard of 1440 in Scotts Valley, CA until my sister in law suggested we check it out. There was going to be a speaker there that she loves. I just agreed, because I love her, but still had no idea what I was in for.

Turns out, not only is the facility absolutely incredible and vibrating with energy, the food is phenomenal, the people are full of depth, and the speaker was exactly what I needed to hear.

Sharon Salzberg led us in deep discussions about compassion and love and kindness and tied it up in a nice package of meditation.

There is nothing better than getting an epiphany about something that’s been buzzing around in our heads. That’s exactly what I got. I realized that I’ve been associating doing  with being kind. I’ve gotten myself in a situation where I’m doing too much and now I’m drained. In the midst of all of this, hearing Sharon say that we can’t be giving if our vessel isn’t full, I had this realization. As much as I love to give, and I love to help out, if I end up doing more because I feel obligated, than I’m not giving from a good place. If I’m not doing things out of a place that feels good to me it certainly isn’t going to be good for anyone else.

I have known this intellectually, I know that. But something about the way she worded it, totally put me in a place of empowerment. Yes! That’s it! Because I love to give. Me giving isn’t the problem! But when the intention is to ‘make up for someone else,’ that’s not true giving, and that’s why it doesn’t feel right. A ha!

 

By the way, if you’re needing a place to replenish your body mind and spirit, check out 1440. It is truly amazing. I can’t wait to go back!!

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