Words that make it all better

My bonus daughter is away for 4 days at Lacrosse camp. She just started learning the game a couple weeks ago and now is in an immersive camp with a bunch of girls that have been doing it for years. She was so nervous to go. She is so hard on herself, and will not try new things easily with the fear that she won’t be great at it. It was so brave of her to take this leap and go. We hoped that once she got there and felt uncomfortable for an hour or so,  it would start to get better, and she may even enjoy it.

She texted me this morning to let me know that the girls there are so nice. She was telling them that she’s not as good as they are and she was embarrassed to play. They told her that she is so much better than they were for just starting, and that she is doing great. This made her day!  I love that there are 13 year old girls, in all the awkwardness of that age, that can open up to say exactly what someone needs to hear.  I love that the distaste of middle school years that I still have in my mouth can be swept away by girls that are willing to HELP when they see someone struggling. I want to give them a hug!! They probably know how it feels to feel like the worst at something. To feel different. To feel not as good, or special. I love that my bonus daughter heard them. She was willing to listen to them.  Hearing that you are okay from another 13 year old girl? Oh my gosh, priceless.

It’s moments like these that I feel like humanity isn’t as bad as we think it is. There is still kindness, there is still people (young girls even) willing to reach out a hand to someone that needs it. Thank you thank you random girls for making our girls day.

Today I appreciate

I appreciate listening to Oprah’s words of Wisdom while I work on this book I am creating.

I appreciate these moments of silence in the library with my noise cancelling headphones.

I appreciate hearing Will Smith say that ‘Self discipline is the definition of self love,’ and seeing the places that I can work on my own self discipline/love.

I appreciate getting some great Ah-ha! moments with art!

I appreciate choosing to write 5 things I’m grateful for every evening before bed.

I appreciate visualizing the way I want to see my life.

I appreciate hearing Oprah say that we become what we believe.

I appreciate that I can make new choices for showing up my most authentic way.

I  appreciate that my muscles and mind are strong.

I appreciate that I am starting yoga again soon.

I appreciate that taking deep breaths usually relaxes me right away.

I appreciate hearing my bonus daughter say that I’m one of her favorite people.

I appreciate that I am capable of showing up my truest and most authentic self.

I appreciate late afternoon walks with my hubby.

I appreciate taking kitten out for a walk and watching him bask in the sun.

I appreciate that our house usually smells of homemade food.

I appreciate  nourishing my body with healthy food.

I appreciate that I am drinking a gallon of water a day. Yikes!

I appreciate the feeling of being loved for exactly as I am.

I appreciate loving and enjoying my siblings.

I appreciate deep meditation.

I appreciate new, thick art paper.

I appreciate that I am here in this reality, on this planet, for so many reasons, even if I don’t know yet what they all are.

 

 

Endless Loop?

Wow… It’s been OVER a month since I created a blog post. I can’t even believe it. I knew May was going to be full, and it was. I am just starting to get myself back on a schedule, an even better one, but I can’t believe  it’s been over a month. Sheesh!

Though I’m learning a lot  about myself every day, I’m aware that I don’t feel quite as confident as I would like. Even after all these years of growth and change, and new decisions, and speaking my truth, there are still voices that  show up in my head vicious and irritated.
Wishing that I was:
something different,
something more,
better,
faster,
more involved,
less involved,
more confident,
more of a fighter,
more social,
better in groups,
enough.
That still happens, and I can see my pattern. I can see where the blame and shame shows up, where I feel disgusted at myself, and where I feel like I would be enough if I just pushed a little harder.

I recently had a discussion about this sort of thing with my sister in law. And the question is; what if I don’t need to PUSH harder? Why do I always assume that if something is happening that I don’t like, that it’s my JOB to WORK HARDER to get where I want to go, or get a relationship to where I want it to be?

I don’t know.

I guess that was the way I was raised, right? That our job is to spin our wheels pushing fighting, pounding until we FIX it. Until we beat it to death, whatever it is. It’s so funny writing that out, because it’s not at all how I live my life, and not at all how I would want my kids to feel. And yet, there it is. The feeling that I am not enough and that I MUST exhaust every morsel of my being, and even then there is probably something wrong with me.

What if life gets to be easier than that? More at ease? Even though I resonate far more with ease, there is still a part of me that feels I need to push, jab, fight to move forward.

Maybe this is just a rambling post of me feeling lost and searching once again for a glimmer of my personal power. How no matter how much work we may do on ourselves, the mean self talk can still show up. And something I’m not even AWARE that the voice has stepped into my head.

I just start believing it.

My husband just told me earlier today that he loves every part of me. It  made me so sad, that we can so easily offer that to people we love,  but it is so hard to do for ourselves. Every part of ME? I mean, I accept more parts than I used to. I am grateful for more than I used to be. But there is still a lot of judgement voices. EVERY part of me? How wonderful that would be to just know who I am and accept and love myself fully. Is that even possible? Or is it an endless loop of feeling like we get close and then finding another issue/quirk/problem/mistake/flaw that we need to lean in to offering love to? Are we doing this when we are 90 no matter what? Or is there a way to get to the point of loving all of it?

I have to remember that even though I feel immersed in emotions and negative self talk, that doesn’t mean I am not growing and learning and moving forward. It doesn’t mean I am backpedaling or stuck, or incapable or wrong. It means maybe that there is another level that I can work through to be a better version of me.

Shattered Reality

Yes it’s been a long time since I’ve written. Our son was visiting last week from his school in Boise, and I didn’t get a chance to do my blogging.

I’m writing from deep inside a fog right now.

Every morning that my hubby and I are at the gym, the news is blaring in front of us with terrible stories of fear and hatred and pain. I’ve always disliked being bombarded with such heaviness, especially in the morning, especially before I even really start my day. Unfortunately this morning, our community was on the news, unraveling, peeling, unearthing from the horrendous synagogue shooting on Saturday morning.

I think all of us are still in shock, with slivers of disbelief and moments of deep cutting pain.

This is something that happens in other places.

This is something that happens with other people.

Not here.

Not a mile from our house.

Fortunately our kids and my hubby’s family attend a different synagogue slightly further away. But this hits home so much more than we could have ever imagined.

Last night we attended the vigil and heard first hand the story retold by the Rabbi. There are so many excruciating details about the story and it’s easy to get overwhelmed with them. To constantly picture the horrible scene again and again, feeling myself being sucked into the story as if I were there.

The part that stands out for me the most through all the tragic details is the support, the love, the compassion, the bravery that we felt as we showed up to that vigil. It didn’t matter who was Jewish or not. There were people from all religions, ethnicities, backgrounds united in an event that has sent ripples of fear to everyone in the community.

I guess even as I write all this out, and feel the heaviness in my heart, there are gifts I am choosing to see.

  1. Life is fleeting. We don’t know what is going to happen today or tomorrow. Maybe the time to make amends is now. Maybe the time to be present, and love and be authentic is now. Maybe now is all we have. 
  2. In the face of tragedy, love shines through. People come together no matter how awful the reason. I am reminded that even though we get distracted, the reality is that we want to show up for others. We have empathy, and we want to feel connected. There is a lot more good than we realize.
  3. Bravery. I am baffled by the immense amount of bravery in not only this story but most of the hate crime tragedies. There are people taking extremely heroic risks. Could I be that brave? Am I brave? These acts are redefining what lengths we will go to to keep others safe. Although people may argue that humans are inherently selfish, surprisingly enough in the face of terror many are willing to react with bravery instinctually. I hope I could be the same. 

 

Just like I told my hubby, and I need to remind myself. It’s okay to be wherever I am right now. This was a tragedy, this was terrifying, and it did hit home. The best thing I can do is feel it as much as I need to, and allow myself to deepen in all areas from it.

Sending you all lots of love.

Jax

Parenting Manifesto

Oh my gosh have you guys seen this? Maybe I am late to the game, but I just stumbled on this a couple weeks back. New plan! I’m going to print this (or write it up myself) for the house. What a wonderful way to live and parent. Ahhhh! I love love love it, and every time I read it, it makes me cry. I’d love to hear your thoughts… .xo Jax

parentingmanifesto

Evolve

I love this. It reminds me to move through with compassion and trust. We can do this, but it is always a choice. xo

evolvechange

 

 

Metamorphosis

I’m enjoying creating this little pieces on hot press watercolor paper. This is about evolving as a human and recognizing how some parts of us no longer fit who we are and what we want. My hope is that all of you are constantly metamorphosing, growing, evolving, changing, and becoming.

 

Appreciate More

I appreciate hearing the rain through all the open windows.

I appreciate feeling so much love in my house.

I appreciate that the kittens meditate with me every morning.

I appreciate breathing in the silence.

I appreciate taking baths in the morning.

I appreciate the smell of rain on the sidewalk.

I appreciate that I love spending time with my hubby.

I appreciate having Keeks curl up with me.

I appreciate hearing Keeks laugh.

I appreciate curling up with warm kittens.

I appreciate drinking warm water.

I appreciate the cool wind outside.

I appreciate feeling my heart overflowing with love.

I appreciate having faith.

I appreciate watching the curtain billow in the open window.

I appreciate the anticipation of having my hubby walk in the door.

I appreciate the smell of clean clothes.

 

Old Friends Same Love

Hello! Wow, it’s been so long since I’ve written. I hope the holidays went well for everyone.

I’m working through some feelings about old friends. I think I have probably always seen my life as seasons and chapters. In one chapter these people where the ones I was super close to, or in this one, I was doing these things, and had this friend. Seeing life this way has made it a lot easier for me to recognize that these people were in it for that specific time and place, for lessons I needed to learn, and they aren’t necessarily going to be in all parts of my life. Now that’s not true for everyone. There are some friends where we have walked through more than one chapter together, hand in hand, and it’s been exactly what both of us needed. But when that happens, I think it’s because we were both learning and growing together, and from each other. Once the growth doesn’t feel in sync anymore, it makes sense that the relationship isn’t as strong, or it just goes away.

Even though I really get this intellectually, and have seen it play out many times in my life, it still makes me sad when I think about old friends. I feel sad that I don’t push to have them in my life, even if I know we are in different places. I feel guilty that I’m not missing them the way I feel I SHOULD.

I love my old friends. The ones that were with me through so much. The very small, few that knew everything about me, and I knew everything about them. I miss feeling like I had those select people where we could talk and laugh for hours. I miss feeling that comfortable with someone. I miss that we could finish each other’s sentences or give each other a LOOK and we knew exactly what that meant.

There is a lot that I miss. 

But I’ve changed. I’ve changed a lot. Some of these friends, it’s been 20 years since we were close. That’s a whole lifetime! I wouldn’t even recognize myself. For other friends, it’s been more of a slow burn. Maybe we stayed friends longer than we should of, but because of the love we both had, we stayed? For those friends, I’ve also changed.

I don’t miss the relationship.

I don’t miss feeling like I couldn’t fully speak my truth. I don’t miss feeling like we couldn’t work through anything.

Growth is hard I am realizing. I love learning about myself and growing, but this is one of those horribly painful growing pains. I’m just unable to swallow down how I feel anymore, and I can’t keep old relationships alive if that is what it takes. I would have loved it if we had moved at the same pace, if we had worked towards similar things. But I can see now that ‘my way’ isn’t the right way.

It’s just different. 

So in order for me to take care of ME, to honor ME, I will send love.

I will send the love that has always been there from the beginning of our friendship. But I need to hold myself up with more love than I have before, and I cannot settle when it doesn’t feel right.

I love you for the memories we had together, for having you to tell my secrets to, for feeling included and safe in your presence. I will always love you and I will continue to send you love as you journey through your life.

 

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