Allowing my hand to move to its own beat. Ahhhh this was like taking a long meditative nap… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
I appreciate being able to work things out with my relationships.
I appreciate recognizing that I can improve my confidence.
I appreciate learning lessons everyday.
I appreciate all the gifts that continuously come into my life.
I appreciate the silence.
I appreciate that my kitten knows when I get up in the morning that it is our meditation time.
I appreciate watching this beautiful hummingbird flutter in front of me.
I appreciate trusting that my emotions are all safe to feel.
I appreciate my bravery.
I appreciate that it’s okay wherever I am emotionally/mentally/physically.
I appreciate having a really awesome morning workout.
I appreciate allowing the tears to come out.
I appreciate a hot bath.
I appreciate good rest.
I appreciate that I am learning to trust my intuition better than ever.
I appreciate knowing that my body is doing the best it can.
I appreciate being capable of love.
I appreciate being loved.
I appreciate being ready to work through issues.
I appreciate my willingness to be vulnerable.
I appreciate my desire to show up for myself, for people I love, for strangers.
I appreciate leaving small gifts for random people to find.
I appreciate the slight rustling of trees in the breeze.
I appreciate the smell of my kittens when I stick my nose in their fluff.
I appreciate tiny beautiful moments that make up a day.
I appreciate being able to sit outside with my cat.
I appreciate listening to the leaves tumble across the sidewalk.
I appreciate that I have a wonderful relationship with my husband.
I appreciate that I am learning how to take better care of myself.
I appreciate seeing my kitten relish in the sunlight.
I appreciate holding myself accountable.
I appreciate learning how to focus better.
I appreciate having so many creative ideas.
I appreciate feeling the sunlight on my face.
I appreciate drinking a cup of tea on the porch.
I appreciate that there are a million choices I get to make today.
I appreciate trusting that I am always doing my best.
I appreciate making mistakes.
I appreciate being choosy with friends.
I appreciate having friends that truly know me and enjoy me.
I appreciate being capable of speaking my truth.
I appreciate the joy of making art.
I appreciate the feeling of sheer inspiration.
I appreciate recognizing how much there is to appreciate.
It’s December 3rd, I can’t believe it. It seems like yesterday we were headed out on a family vacation in the middle of summer. This last quarter of the year is flying by so fast, isn’t it?
I know I am allowing life to move easier when I suddenly realize ‘oh! This is normally when I would have beat myself up!’
This is the place I would have looked around and realized that I have NOT been working out the way I need to, and I would have been so mad at myself.
This is the place I would have felt a thick blanket of misery with all the ‘should haves and ‘what’s wrong with me’s, ‘I’m so lazy,’ and all the ‘I’m not good enoughs.’
But I don’t feel that way at all.
Yes, I am soooooooooooooo craving working out more than I have been.
Also yes, I am ready to finally get back into creating my SCHEDULE and sticking to it.
I recognize that sometimes LIFE IS STRESSFUL and full AND WE DO WHAT WE CAN.
That right there is huge for me.
We do what we can.
This month and a 1/2 has been more movement and more stress than the entire year combined. We were flying across the country to find a therapeutic boarding school for our son, days before our daughters Bat Mitzvah. This past week we were moving our son out of his wilderness camp and into his new school, 2 states away.
It’s okay I haven’t been going to the gym as much as I’d like.
It’s okay that my website still isn’t done.
It’s okay that the year is moving on.
I think sometimes I need to remember that the goals we set for ourselves sometimes get interrupted by life, and that is okay.
If I had made my goals my ONLY priority, here’s what I would have missed out on:
- Being present with finding B the best school for him.
- Being focused on creating the best event we could for our daughter.
- Being present at her event and feeling so proud of her, and so much love.
- Getting a chance to see B right after as he came down the mountain from LIVING in the wilderness for 3 1/2 month.
- Being present to hear everything he wanted to talk about.
- Laughing as a family.
- Getting extra sleep from all the traveling.
- Enjoying a moment at an Italian restaurant with my honey.
- Allowing myself to feel all of it after we dropped B off at his new school.
And so much more.
There is still time to do what I am here to do. There is still time for my goals and dreams. But I want to be present in LIFE, I want to participate in the events that won’t happen again ever. That is my priority.
I started this piece a couple of weeks ago when I was in the throws of extreme anxiety. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. I was obsessing and my heart wouldn’t stop pounding.
So I picked up the paintbrush and let my hand lead. Usually I get super stiff when I attempt something large, but I was in such a state, I hardly noticed that I was working on a 16 x 20 canvas.
As I continued through endless hours of painting movement, I realized the lesson here. Life is always in motion, always in flow; if we allow it. The more that I can remember that, and allow the bigger picture to come into view, I can rise above anxiety.
So here is my first finished piece of flow.
ahhhhh I will be finishing my next very soon! xo
I was listening to Tony Robbins the other day….
Okay lemee explain. First of all I’ve KNOWN about Tony Robbins for years. All I knew about him what that he is this huge loud dude that resembles a G.I. Joe. But I’ve been looking for a bit of inspiration lately, I thought I would broaden my horizons.
Normally I love a little Abraham Hicks in my life, but you know, it’s easy to get complacent and it’s nice to veer down other paths.
I’ve set GOALS for a long time, and unfortunately have a difficult time sticking to them. I want to move forward, I want to look back and FEEL like I’ve accomplished. And yet, that has been an area I’ve really struggled with in my life. I used to not finish art pieces like I know I’ve written about before. Now I do that, but there are so many awesome ideas I have where I don’t have a PLAN, and they end up never getting created.
Anyway, I turned Tony on, and though he is a bit loud and pushy for my taste, there was some great nuggets that I can try for transformation.
One of the things I heard was that we don’t get our goals, we get our MUSTS. He says that if we just ‘set goals,’ it’s easy to not follow through. But if we really ask ourselves what we MUST do, then we will find a way.
Like you guys have heard me mention a 1000 times, it’s much easier for me to spend all my time and energy choosing things that can help the kids, or even Andy. It’s much easier to do all of that then to
But at the end of the day, what are my MUSTS?
I don’t want to look back at my life and see that I ONLY did a lot of the kids and others that I love but that I NEVER fully lived to MY POTENTIAL.
I know I have a whole world of things inside me to create,
It’s my JOB, it’s my DUTY to do them.
So those have to be my MUSTS.
What are you here to do that you haven’t been doing???
I realized that if I can picture myself as a little girl, it’s easier to show up for me. The little girl with the dark eyes and the super chubby cheeks.
I’m not going to let her down.
I MUST create,
I MUST allow my creativity to flourish.
So what do you guys think? Does goal setting work for you? What do you think about the concept of getting our MUSTS? I’d love to hear YOUR thoughts as well!
Oh my gosh I have returned! Sheesh! I can’t believe it’s been almost a MONTH since I was writing on this blog.
Actually it seems even longer.
I don’t know about you, but the past month has been an absolute blur of change and newness. We had our daughters Bat Mitzvah on Saturday, and the week before, Andy and I were flying all over the country to find the best therapeutic boarding school for our son. Our month has been ridiculously intense, full of travel, note taking, difficult conversations, extreme amounts of planning, form creating, negotiating, discussing, getting screamed at, and running on empty.
I feel like I have hardly come up for air.
How is it that some days/weeks/months are so action packed?
We always think once this event happens, I can finally be more present.
Or once I get this new job I will be happier.
Or when I have a baby, my life will feel in order.
Adding (or subtracting) any element to our lives is not going to be the quick fix. Life doesn’t have a ‘quick fix.’
It is a constant pruning, backpedaling, moving forward, then slipping back again, forgetting, lashing out, apologizing, feeling alone, reaching out, moving forward again, trusting, choosing a different path sort of experience. It’s full of so many parts that no one wants to talk about, but all they exist!
I’m recognizing again and again that LIFE continues to throw curve balls our way, and it’s our job to figure out how to mindfully maneuver everything with grace and muster forgiveness when we don’t.
I think for me, my biggest issue is trusting. I still get a crazy amount of emotional overload where I feel like a blown head gasket. I obsess and I get loud and my tone is not always very nice. I can FEEL myself being a nightmare. I can HEAR myself getting lunaticy, and yet, calming myself down is excruciatingly difficult sometimes.
Have I improved?
I guess as opposed to just putting myself down, I can ask the important questions. Have I improved?
I would say I have in the sense that I can SEE what is happening. I can SEE when I am BLINDED by emotion. When Andy suggests that I meditate or do some art to take care of me, I still bite his head off. But maybe not QUITE as often as I used to.
In the middle of the siren of my emotions, there lately has been a tiny, tiny sliver of light where I can SOMETIMES feel capable of making a choice. This is when I may recognize that I can get in my meditation closet and cry and write and breathe and be. So that is change. I CAN pick my legs up and remove myself (though it’s a super slow process) from where I am into a place that can lead me to functioning again.
Anyway, it’s been a tough month.
I have put myself down a lot. I have felt like I am just doing work for the kids and nothing for me. I have felt like I’m spinning my wheels. I have said mean things to myself. I have cried and cried and cried. I have felt alone and angry. But after these huge events have ended, I can also look back and see that I have learned.
I can see that maybe, even though my intentions were to remain in peace, I didn’t do as well as I could. But I don’t need to be MAD at myself. Maybe I just need more practice, maybe I need more systems in place that I can trust. Maybe I need to walk away more.
Maybe I need to choose Jackie more often.
No matter where I am, I know I can pick myself up and start over.
Today is a new day.
So here I sit, only 3 days after this Bat Mitzvah, with piles of laundry around me and a ton of little tasks that still need to be handled.
And I can choose me.
I can make the choice that if I’m tired, I may need a nap. If I need to feel, maybe I do that.
We are so so so much better for the world and everyone in it when we have taken care of our needs first.
One of MY needs is to feel like I am moving forward IN MY LIFE. Writing in this blog, whatever I am writing, makes me feel like I am. Even if no one reads it, I am feeling stronger and better about me as a human. I am taking care of my responsibilities and my desires. I can do that. I can do hard things.
I am strong and capable, and I can move forward, even if it’s in inches.
If you look up the definition of ‘mandala,’ you will see that it represents the search for ‘completeness’ and ‘self-unity’. Though I love these concepts, I am realizing in my life, that the search for that, or rather the experience of them is NEVER a perfect evolution, a perfect circle. There is a constant ebb and flow and one step forward and two steps back. I feel like it’s much more accurate to demonstrate our lifelong journey of learning and growth in a form that is a bit more organic. This is something I am in the process of creating, and I’m not sure if I should fill the page, or leave it as it is. I will add the final photo when I decide. I would like to do more of them!