Creating a Life I love Through Art
Colors and lines morphing into something bright and brave.
I don’t know how this piece will end up, but I am moving forward with it. I had put it down for a bit, but once again I am enjoying the movement, the process of it. I managed to cover this canvas in thick watercolor paper so the lines are easy to draw.
We will see how it’ll all come together.. xo
Hello!
Welcome to the end of March! Sheesh! This year feels like it’s flying already. Wow! Anyway, after a post the other day about not listening to my curiosities, I decided to do something about it.
I took a 2 days course on Healing Touch, something I have been CURIOUS about for a couple of years. I would love to enhance my intuition, and so…. I SAID YES!
I must say, I really loved it. It was a new experience to go into a class not knowing if I would enjoy it or not. But being able to be light about it,
to ‘check and see,
to keep my heart open,
to move through it with ease
and just ‘check in with what felt right.’
It was nice to allow myself to be a beginner and to not have signed up for all 5 classes already. ahahha
Anyway, it was a fascinating introduction to energy work, and I wanna go further! I actually think I want to take Healing Touch for animals in the next couple of months. I love animals, and the older I get the more my heart just relishes in them.
So that is the plan! For those of you curious about Healing Touch, check it out. What I love about it, is that it is taught the same way no matter where you go. Hospitals are now utilizing it, and seeing the benefits! Ha! So it’s not just gypsy women sitting on the street corner with no money begging for cans of tuna in exchange for energy healing. haahah
I feel great that I am paving a path for myself, and ART is still intermixed with it. I can do them both!
By the way, does anyone have any tips for schedules and creating balance? Between managing 3 buildings with my hubby, family, healing touch, art, volunteering at hospice, attending hospice classes, and uhhh taking an occasional bath, I sure could use some suggestions. 😉
I have always been excited about life. I have always been curious and fascinated and desiring to experience all. Of. It.
But one thing held me back from saying yes to EVERYTHING.
Art.
As interested and enamored and in awe as I have always been with the nuances of life, I also knew that if I ‘took on’ everything that caught my attention, there was a chance I would end up a shell that didn’t have any time for the one thing that fills me up more than most everything.
Making art.
So I didn’t commit.
I didn’t take that class or research, or learn the things that gently knocked on my heart.
I’d get swept up for just a moment fantasizing about something new and adventurous, and at the last second I would decide not to take the plunge and explore down a different path.
When one has lived their life skipping from one piece of passion to another, and only moving forward when it’s hot and sizzling and wild, that are pieces that might have gotten missed.
I never followed a path that I laid out before me. Moving through it, sometimes slowly, just to get to the end. I would stop half way if it felt anything less than mountains moving.
I think in some ways I recognized that I had something really great. There are many people that don’t feel PASSION at all. The fact that I have it, I should probably hold onto it with tight fingers.
Hide it.
Keep it safe.
Make sure it doesn’t slip away, or worse, have it feel as if I am ungrateful or don’t care.
I guess by me always choosing art first AND ONLY, I felt like I was honoring the passion inside me. But I can see now that I was not respecting all parts of me.
I was always leaving the gnawing, whispering, playful questions at the backdoor. Unattended to.
Maybe if I pursue/learn/dive in to all these new exciting curiosities, they may not feel the way art does.
Is that okay?
Maybe creating art is supposed to feel different for me. Maybe it will always be the place I can re-find me. Where I can curl up and breathe life back into my soul. Maybe that doesn’t happen with every activity/hobby/interest that I have.
Maybe these interests will STILL enhance my life.
Maybe I will STILL learn more about myself and my gifts.
As I ask myself these questions, I’ve decided that I no longer want to deny urges I have to experience life.
This year will be different.
This year I will move forward even with small quivers of my curiosities.
I will trust that what I’m curious about is there for a reason.
I will trust that there is so much more to discover about myself.
I will trust that life isn’t only buzzing, passionate smoldering energy. It is the space between as well. It is the not knowing, it is the dark lonely paths and uncharted heaviness. It is the light moments of joy that may not be connected to any depth.
I am going to discover all of those parts of myself as well.
Yea for the journey! Wow! I didn’t even know what I was going to write about when I sat down. This is what is so healing about writing. This blog is way more for me than anyone else. I am okay with no one ever reading it. What I get from just writing out my feelings is so phenomenal. If anyone happens to read it and understand or something connected for them through it, that’s great. But it’s not why I’m doing it. I love linking these thoughts and feelings together and walking away with a better understanding of who I am and what I want out of life. Yessssssssssss!
What have you discovered lately about yourself?
I love this. It reminds me to move through with compassion and trust. We can do this, but it is always a choice. xo
I don’t know what it is about today, but I am so stuffed with emotions right now. It’s so good to start writing.
I’m feeling really sad. It is the kind of sadness that burrows inside like a sharp knife and spreads itself like thick, warm mud throughout my whole body.
I just want to cry and cry and cry.
I think at first I would have said that I don’t know why I feel this way. It’s easy to say ‘I don’t know’ as the first response to big emotions.
Where did we learn that from?
Is it that we really don’t know?
Or that we weren’t taught to ask ourselves where our feelings are coming from?
Or that we expect instant answers and don’t have experience with allowing the revelations to move through us, though sometimes slowly?
The truth is, I do know why I’m sad.
We have recently had an experience where we were left out of something big. And I want to shake someone and cry and tell them how it feels. I think I’m also sad that being an adult sometimes means that I need to move through my feelings without blaming someone else.
When all I want to do is blame right now. I do.
I want to scream and tell them it’s their fault, and THEY were disrespectful and rude.
Sometimes it’s difficult to know how to handle being hurt by someone. I mean, there are some people (my husband included), where I can speak openly about being hurt. I can discuss it and move through it and we can both understand each other deeper. Then I can box it up in a nice little package, and discard it. Renewed and more connected with myself and the other person. But there are other people that never allow any feelings like that to come close them. They will viciously attack back, even if the intention was to address it in a vulnerable respectful way.
So what do you do with people like that?
With the ones that you don’t feel safe in sharing your feelings with?
And what I am learning is that it is okay for me to FEEL whatever I am feeling. That doesn’t mean that I need to PUT IT ON ANYONE. No one can MAKE me feel a certain way, I know that.
And yet, there is some sadness again.
Each time I write, I learn more about myself. I am learning that I appreciate sharing my feelings, even if it’s hurt and sadness. I appreciate sharing them with someone that is opening to hearing and growing and becoming closer. And for me, sharing, voicing, having a voice, helps me feel stronger as a human.
I think just hearing my voice reminds me that I am okay, and that I am not alone.
So. It’s sad that there are people (only 1 or 2 now) in my life, that I still cannot share completely with. That they are maybe stuck emotionally and seem to be incapable of opening to vulnerability,
to connection,
to truth. And so something that bonds some of us, needs to be dealt with alone because I don’t feel safe in sharing.
And maybe the more I get to know myself, and know that I grow through sharing, maybe I also am learning that not everyone does. And that I cannot make someone grow with me and my feelings. That me EXPECTING someone to give a shit about my feelings is also me not recognizing that we are all different.
That we come from different places.
That we need different things.
That we don’t see things that same way and never will.
So here I am, full circle, maybe dipping my toe in a place of compassion. But definitely recognizing that my expectation of other humans and their apparent short falls is actually MY shortfall.
And for that, I am also sad.
Here is one of the tiny pieces that I’ve been working on. Sort of a quirky, colorful way of depicting the mountains that we must climb everyday. I love the idea of bringing joy to the mountains in our life. With struggle, we gain strength.
Even though life has been really busy,
I can decide to take a break.
Even though I feel like I’m running out of time,
I can choose to sit in silence and feel my feelings.
Even though there has been so much emotional pain lately,
I can decide to be gentle on myself knowing that I am doing the best I can.
Even though I feel overwhelmed,
I can trust that my body mind and spirit need rest in order to rejuvenate.
Even though I would love clarity,
I know that searching impatiently won’t bring me closer to what I want. I can enjoy where I am and trust that the answers will always show up.
Dammit. It’s 5pm on a Monday and I am JUST SITTING DOWN TO WRITE A BLOG. ahsesorkajbaokenr!!!! Now that I finally understand what the word ‘commitment’ actually means, I’m doing my best to follow through.
And it sucks.
I mean it was much easier a couple months ago when I just moved through my life solely on my emotions. Oh I am sleepy, I don’t feel like doing what I said I would… or ‘oh I’m feeling overwhelmed, I guess it’s okay to cry in bed and do NOTHING ELSE.
But now (unfortunately) I have committed.
No one told me that WHEN I commit, I would actually have to do things sometimes that I don’t want to do. Huh.
Anyway, this is new territory for me.
I am used to letting myself down so it’s totally new that I have decided to follow through anyway.
I have committed.
Regardless of what time it is, or that my hubby is now home and wants to spend time with me. Or that I really want to curl up with my kittens and watch Manifest. I have committed to doing 3 blog posts, and that is what I will do.
There has been a series of crazy, tragic events over here lately, and I am recognizing more and more that no one can save us from ourselves.
Wow. I remember through the years as life wasn’t going the way I hoped/wished/thought it should, that I sorta expected something was just going to LAND on my lap to make everything better. Nothing ever did. And I still had a difficult time following through, finishing, and committing.
The reality is LIFE MOVES ON. Even if we have the coolest most vivid dreams in the world, NO ONE CAN SAVE US FROM FUCKING IT ALL UP.
And then I think back to all the many, many, many times that I thought it was my JOB to save other people. I saw friends/boyfriends/family as not ‘doing it right,’ and it became sorta my mission to help/explain/teach, even if they didn’t want it.
I’m so grateful to FINALLY FINALLY be getting it that:
So there you go, life lessons from Jax.
I have committed! I truly believe that the more we COMMIT to something, the more we allow the universe space to bring gifts. Commitment gets the ball rolling, commitment is the key I was missing all along.
Okay have a great night! xo
I appreciate hearing the rain through all the open windows.
I appreciate feeling so much love in my house.
I appreciate that the kittens meditate with me every morning.
I appreciate breathing in the silence.
I appreciate taking baths in the morning.
I appreciate the smell of rain on the sidewalk.
I appreciate that I love spending time with my hubby.
I appreciate having Keeks curl up with me.
I appreciate hearing Keeks laugh.
I appreciate curling up with warm kittens.
I appreciate drinking warm water.
I appreciate the cool wind outside.
I appreciate feeling my heart overflowing with love.
I appreciate having faith.
I appreciate watching the curtain billow in the open window.
I appreciate the anticipation of having my hubby walk in the door.
I appreciate the smell of clean clothes.
Sunshine and Cerulean 