Old Friends Same Love

Hello! Wow, it’s been so long since I’ve written. I hope the holidays went well for everyone.

I’m working through some feelings about old friends. I think I have probably always seen my life as seasons and chapters. In one chapter these people where the ones I was super close to, or in this one, I was doing these things, and had this friend. Seeing life this way has made it a lot easier for me to recognize that these people were in it for that specific time and place, for lessons I needed to learn, and they aren’t necessarily going to be in all parts of my life. Now that’s not true for everyone. There are some friends where we have walked through more than one chapter together, hand in hand, and it’s been exactly what both of us needed. But when that happens, I think it’s because we were both learning and growing together, and from each other. Once the growth doesn’t feel in sync anymore, it makes sense that the relationship isn’t as strong, or it just goes away.

Even though I really get this intellectually, and have seen it play out many times in my life, it still makes me sad when I think about old friends. I feel sad that I don’t push to have them in my life, even if I know we are in different places. I feel guilty that I’m not missing them the way I feel I SHOULD.

I love my old friends. The ones that were with me through so much. The very small, few that knew everything about me, and I knew everything about them. I miss feeling like I had those select people where we could talk and laugh for hours. I miss feeling that comfortable with someone. I miss that we could finish each other’s sentences or give each other a LOOK and we knew exactly what that meant.

There is a lot that I miss. 

But I’ve changed. I’ve changed a lot. Some of these friends, it’s been 20 years since we were close. That’s a whole lifetime! I wouldn’t even recognize myself. For other friends, it’s been more of a slow burn. Maybe we stayed friends longer than we should of, but because of the love we both had, we stayed? For those friends, I’ve also changed.

I don’t miss the relationship.

I don’t miss feeling like I couldn’t fully speak my truth. I don’t miss feeling like we couldn’t work through anything.

Growth is hard I am realizing. I love learning about myself and growing, but this is one of those horribly painful growing pains. I’m just unable to swallow down how I feel anymore, and I can’t keep old relationships alive if that is what it takes. I would have loved it if we had moved at the same pace, if we had worked towards similar things. But I can see now that ‘my way’ isn’t the right way.

It’s just different. 

So in order for me to take care of ME, to honor ME, I will send love.

I will send the love that has always been there from the beginning of our friendship. But I need to hold myself up with more love than I have before, and I cannot settle when it doesn’t feel right.

I love you for the memories we had together, for having you to tell my secrets to, for feeling included and safe in your presence. I will always love you and I will continue to send you love as you journey through your life.

 

Divine Time

Wow…. It’s already Thursday, the days are buzzing and the weeks are almost a blur. It’s amazing to me that I still manage to learn lessons everyday when everything feels like it’s moving so incredibly fast.

It’s funny…. the older I get, the more I see how precious time is and yet how much of it I have to spare. Let me explain…. I used to have a VERY unhealthy relationship with time. (I’m sure I’ve mentioned this in many a posts…) My fear of RUNNING OUT OF TIME drove my decisions, and left me in plenty o places of anxiety and never feeling like I was:
A. Doing enough
B. Being enough
C. Enough Enough

Also, I was an expert waster o time. Because of my fear of LOSING IT, or having it SLIP DOWN THE DRAIN, sometimes I would distract myself and get lost in some sort of bullshit Facebook trap or mindless dawdling. I’m sure I’m not the only one. So as my schedule has gotten a bit more cra cra (driving my stepson to and from school and being in the car 3+ hours a day), I have finally (FINALLY) recognized how absolutely PRECIOUS time is. This learning has caused me to waste less of it, and get down to business with things I WANT TO ACHIEVE IN MY LIFE.

Funny how having a busier schedule can make us chop chop a little more with things that matter. It’s all priorities people. 

So for 2018, I have vowed to have a healthier relationship with TIME. I am really aware of HOW and WHEN it is not being spent the way I want.

I guess that has led me to girlfriends. 

Isn’t it funny how there are some people in our lives that we are willing to MOVE our busy schedule around for, and there are others that… we just aren’t…..

I’m starting to look at all of that, even if I feel bad admitting it to myself. And you. But sometimes I find myself even saying in my head, ‘Jackie, you SHOULD see so and so or you SHOULD call so and so, I’m sure it’ll be fine.’

But the thing is,.. I don’t want fine. 

Fine is having a line at the grocery store.

Fine is sitting in a meeting that went a little too long.

 

Since I know now that time is precious. I want to use it in a way that leaves me feeling:

Inspired

Seen

Empowered

Joyful.

I have been extremely selective with who I’ve spent time with in the past month, and I like it. I like being so over the moon excited to see someone that enriches my life so much, that I know I will walk away feeling more at peace and in a greater place of connection.

If the relationship/connection/communication is just FINE, well,.. maybe it’s just not worth my time. 

Bottom line, I love Jackie time so so so much. I don’t need to spend my time with someone unless they ADD to what I already have. I think I’ve needed to write this out so I can remember to check in with myself about everything.

My time is the most valuable thing I have and I am not going to give it away.

 

Biscuits and Trout

I was just out on a beautiful long hike with a good friend of mine. I love the mixture of deep talks and nature, there’s sort of nothing like it.

Anyway, she has recently gotten her real estate license for California and I was asking her what the PLANS ARE.

I love what she said!! She started with, “I’m really checking in with myself every day to feel where I am and where I’d like to be. I’m heading in one direction, but who knows, I may end up heading in a different direction. But I’m going to move where my heart feels it should go.”

I love this for so many reasons. First of all this crazy society we live in is all about ACCOMPLISHMENT. We set out on a path (any path) and if we decide along the way that we don’t like it or want it anymore, we usually either:

A. Push even harder! I must conquer! I must win! I will ACCOMPLISH these dreams! (Even if they aren’t anymore, but don’t tell anyone.)

B. I’m going to quit everything and then feel super shitty about myself. Oh gawd what is wrong with me? I can never finish anything. I’m so scared to START something, I may decide I don’t like the path I choose.

What is it that has terrified us into making the WRONG decision? What if we are really here to experience and expand and check in with what our soul needs?

What if the word accomplishMENT is really what are we MENT to accomplish? What if it’s not whatever we can get our hands on. What if it’s what our soul is truly MENT to do, not all the anxious buzzing bullshit that only looks great on paper but feels empty inside.

I loooooooooove that my friend was able to articulate her feelings about possibly migrating from one thing to the next. Knowing what she’d like to do now, but also honoring herself for the inevitable changes she’ll make along the way.

 

My girlfriend went on to say that she is not sure what her next venture in life will be, but she knows that she will NOT be pulled to do something just for the money.

She also said that she is OKAY NOT KNOWING where will end up.

She is comfortable in the unknowing, of trusting that the answers she needs will show up when she needs them.

Woa. How would it be to live like this? To gently move from one truth to another, from one trusting moment to bliss to passion to joy and back to trusting?

What if life can really be like this? 

So I’m checking in with me.

All the parts that have felt embarrassed or vulnerable for passionately starting ideas and businesses and friendships and projects and relationships all to find out that they weren’t really for me in the long run. That I was seeking them for the wrong reasons. Is that so bad? Hey I’ve been doing things! I’ve been moving forward, and getting my hands dirty and making messes and gaining experiences!

I am going to spend a little time apologizing for all the times that I was angry at myself for NOT FINISHING WHAT I STARTED, NOT CONQUERING!

When maybe, just maybe I was listening to my heart all along. Maybe I got what I needed and then it was time to have a different experience.

Maybe I am whole just as I am, and maybe my heart can (and does) guide me better than I realized. 

 

 

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑