Old Friends Same Love

Hello! Wow, it’s been so long since I’ve written. I hope the holidays went well for everyone.

I’m working through some feelings about old friends. I think I have probably always seen my life as seasons and chapters. In one chapter these people where the ones I was super close to, or in this one, I was doing these things, and had this friend. Seeing life this way has made it a lot easier for me to recognize that these people were in it for that specific time and place, for lessons I needed to learn, and they aren’t necessarily going to be in all parts of my life. Now that’s not true for everyone. There are some friends where we have walked through more than one chapter together, hand in hand, and it’s been exactly what both of us needed. But when that happens, I think it’s because we were both learning and growing together, and from each other. Once the growth doesn’t feel in sync anymore, it makes sense that the relationship isn’t as strong, or it just goes away.

Even though I really get this intellectually, and have seen it play out many times in my life, it still makes me sad when I think about old friends. I feel sad that I don’t push to have them in my life, even if I know we are in different places. I feel guilty that I’m not missing them the way I feel I SHOULD.

I love my old friends. The ones that were with me through so much. The very small, few that knew everything about me, and I knew everything about them. I miss feeling like I had those select people where we could talk and laugh for hours. I miss feeling that comfortable with someone. I miss that we could finish each other’s sentences or give each other a LOOK and we knew exactly what that meant.

There is a lot that I miss. 

But I’ve changed. I’ve changed a lot. Some of these friends, it’s been 20 years since we were close. That’s a whole lifetime! I wouldn’t even recognize myself. For other friends, it’s been more of a slow burn. Maybe we stayed friends longer than we should of, but because of the love we both had, we stayed? For those friends, I’ve also changed.

I don’t miss the relationship.

I don’t miss feeling like I couldn’t fully speak my truth. I don’t miss feeling like we couldn’t work through anything.

Growth is hard I am realizing. I love learning about myself and growing, but this is one of those horribly painful growing pains. I’m just unable to swallow down how I feel anymore, and I can’t keep old relationships alive if that is what it takes. I would have loved it if we had moved at the same pace, if we had worked towards similar things. But I can see now that ‘my way’ isn’t the right way.

It’s just different. 

So in order for me to take care of ME, to honor ME, I will send love.

I will send the love that has always been there from the beginning of our friendship. But I need to hold myself up with more love than I have before, and I cannot settle when it doesn’t feel right.

I love you for the memories we had together, for having you to tell my secrets to, for feeling included and safe in your presence. I will always love you and I will continue to send you love as you journey through your life.

 

Finding the Tribe

As I find myself, I find my tribe.

It’s funny, I’m looking back through my life, and at certain times I thought I’d found MY TRIBE that would last a lifetime. Maybe I had. Maybe the ‘lifetime’ just ended before my life did.

It seems like people have this fascination with having great friends for a long period of time. However, if we are all ever evolving there is a very good chance that two people do not change at the same time.
Or even in remotely the same way.

Maybe our TRIBE is always shifting.

Even a year ago, I thought I had MY TRIBE. My lifetime tribe. I never would have guessed in a thousand years that my friendship base would have changed so much in just a year. I had some close girlfriends in my life that I’ve known for a really, really long time, through so many breakups and breakdowns and breakthroughs. We knew pretty much everything about each other. It’s hard to believe that only 9 months later we don’t even talk.
Sure I was sad for awhile, very sad and hurt when I felt that the relationship was changing.

Then I realized something.
What if we were in each other’s lives when we needed it?

But what if the relationship doesn’t make sense anymore because we’ve learned what we needed to learn?

Is that so bad?

I’m really not angry about this. I am who I am right now because they were in my life. Because I had someone to share my pain with, my joys with, my fears, and my love, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. In so many ways they taught me what friendship was, in the capacity that I could experience it.

I send them love almost everyday, and though we will probably never be close again, I am not angry. I am grateful. I am also astounded by the constant evolution of life. The constant movement that we could never expect.

So as my current tribe is being created, I’m fully aware of who I am bringing closer and why. In the past, maybe I was drawn to people for a variety of reasons unknown.

But that is not who I am anymore.

I know exactly what I am seeking and attracted to. I know what I want more of, and what feels good. My tribe is exactly what I need now in my life.

I guess I feel a little nostalgic for my dear old friends right now. I’m sending so much love to all those wonderful people that I loved and cherished throughout the years. Thank you for all the friendship and tears and I hope you find everything your heart wants.

I hope you are surrounded in the tribe that your soul needs. 

 

 

Biscuits and Trout

I was just out on a beautiful long hike with a good friend of mine. I love the mixture of deep talks and nature, there’s sort of nothing like it.

Anyway, she has recently gotten her real estate license for California and I was asking her what the PLANS ARE.

I love what she said!! She started with, “I’m really checking in with myself every day to feel where I am and where I’d like to be. I’m heading in one direction, but who knows, I may end up heading in a different direction. But I’m going to move where my heart feels it should go.”

I love this for so many reasons. First of all this crazy society we live in is all about ACCOMPLISHMENT. We set out on a path (any path) and if we decide along the way that we don’t like it or want it anymore, we usually either:

A. Push even harder! I must conquer! I must win! I will ACCOMPLISH these dreams! (Even if they aren’t anymore, but don’t tell anyone.)

B. I’m going to quit everything and then feel super shitty about myself. Oh gawd what is wrong with me? I can never finish anything. I’m so scared to START something, I may decide I don’t like the path I choose.

What is it that has terrified us into making the WRONG decision? What if we are really here to experience and expand and check in with what our soul needs?

What if the word accomplishMENT is really what are we MENT to accomplish? What if it’s not whatever we can get our hands on. What if it’s what our soul is truly MENT to do, not all the anxious buzzing bullshit that only looks great on paper but feels empty inside.

I loooooooooove that my friend was able to articulate her feelings about possibly migrating from one thing to the next. Knowing what she’d like to do now, but also honoring herself for the inevitable changes she’ll make along the way.

 

My girlfriend went on to say that she is not sure what her next venture in life will be, but she knows that she will NOT be pulled to do something just for the money.

She also said that she is OKAY NOT KNOWING where will end up.

She is comfortable in the unknowing, of trusting that the answers she needs will show up when she needs them.

Woa. How would it be to live like this? To gently move from one truth to another, from one trusting moment to bliss to passion to joy and back to trusting?

What if life can really be like this? 

So I’m checking in with me.

All the parts that have felt embarrassed or vulnerable for passionately starting ideas and businesses and friendships and projects and relationships all to find out that they weren’t really for me in the long run. That I was seeking them for the wrong reasons. Is that so bad? Hey I’ve been doing things! I’ve been moving forward, and getting my hands dirty and making messes and gaining experiences!

I am going to spend a little time apologizing for all the times that I was angry at myself for NOT FINISHING WHAT I STARTED, NOT CONQUERING!

When maybe, just maybe I was listening to my heart all along. Maybe I got what I needed and then it was time to have a different experience.

Maybe I am whole just as I am, and maybe my heart can (and does) guide me better than I realized. 

 

 

Looking For Art

Before I started this blog,

before I was waking up every morning excited to create ART,

I was attempting to get a couple other business ideas going. I’ve always been severely passionate about many things and it seemed like I could swing quickly from one idea to another.

This would cause a lot of stress for me. I thought I SHOULD have been the kind of person that decided what I wanted to do at 18, went for it, and then that would be my life.

Life wasn’t like this for me at all. I have been all over the map! I’ve had plenty of corporate jobs with sales and recruiting and marketing and customer service. (I secretly wished I loved them enough for them to be ENOUGH), and then I’ve also had different kinds of jobs off the normal job scale, working for a spiritual healer, and in a trendy shop in Venice, California. Jobs that seemed kinda kick back and not very ambitious. And yet, I learned parts of myself that I didn’t know existed. As I look back, any of these jobs that I had where I was working FOR someone, no matter what they were, they were based on providing me with either enough resources to make art, or time to do it.

All of that is fine, except that I judged myself horribly for this. I thought “What is wrong with you, Jackie, that you need to create?” “Can’t you just find a CAREER and stick to it?”Even though my heart LONGED to create, I felt like needing to make art, was kind of in the way.

Life would be easier if I was simpler. 

It’s funny that I’ve longed to have one career, when I know many people change what they are doing or wanting to do throughout their lives. But we are always evolving anyway, so it makes sense that how we want to show up in the world changes as well.

So back to my own businesses I was in the middle of… They were based on things that I like, and one was even concepts that I was PASSIONATE about; when I was working in a corporate setting. And yet, the actual work, the planning workshops, the research, not that horrible, but not super fun. The whole time I was doing this WORK for these businesses, I secretly wanted to be making art. Isn’t that funny?

And then I realized:

I decided to do these other businesses because I thought they would MAKE MONEY. And then if I was successful enough, maybe

I’D HAVE TIME TO MAKE ART.

What I really wanted to do,…

WAS MAKE ART.

It’s always always been that, but because I didn’t trust that I’d be taken care of, that I have been given these gifts for a reason, I’ve searched for YEARS to find JOBS and my own BUSINESSES that will give me the joy and fulfillment that art does.

So there’s been this part of me that feels embarrassed that I’ve changed my mind so many times, and yet,.. as I look at it, I haven’t changed my mind at all. I’ve known all along that I wanted to make art, I just didn’t allow myself to do it.

Yet another lesson I’m seeing, is to use the gifts that I have been given to create the life that my soul longs for. I am doing that! I am starting to believe that the more I fill my heart with love and do things that genuinely bring me joy, the more the right people, the right situations will find me.

 

Messy

My dear sweet warm loving hubby told me yesterday that I am messy,

and he’s right.

I am messy.

Before I lived with him, I thought I was laid back. I thought I was nonchalant and super chill and I was so wrong. When I lived alone, I’d hide away in my house when I had FEELINGS so no one knew I did. I was so embarrassed about having them, I sort of forgot myself.

But when you live with someone, they SEE IT ALL,

and I. Am. Messy.

I can go from 0-60 in 2 seconds flat. I can be calm and then freakin’ lose it.

I can jump to conclusions, interrupt, burst into tears, and shut down completely. He doesn’t know what he’s going to get at any moment in time and I’m sure it’s totally annoying.

But just like everyone,  I am trying to figure it out. Sometimes I feel like I’ve got life under control and I feel enthusiastic, and uplifted and ready and alive. Other times I feel incompetent and petty and wrong.

Maybe I’m way more emotional then others. Maybe I’m a little bit scarier than some. But we all have STUFF and I’ll continue to learn and grow to become the best version of me that I can.

Girls Girls Girls

I was chilling on my yoga mat on Saturday morning, right before class started. Heat began flooding into the room, and it was filling up with lots of fellow yogis.

There was a girl next to me minding her own business, like most of us. But something about her made me realize something.

Girls are so funny. I mean not all of them, but a good portion of us are. We tend to be so competitive. I know I have been. Wanting to be acknowledged by them, maybe seen as the best or better, wanting to prove something.

And yet, in this crazy world right now, with all these women’s marches, etc. it’s obvious we are craving more women connection.

But can we do it?

Maybe I’m speaking only for myself. I am very aware that some of my girlfriends (especially my sister in law) meet other women with a pure open heart. She’s warm and makes eye contact and is truly waiting to connect.

I say I want the same thing as well, and yet if I’m totally honest about myself right now, I don’t really put it out there to women I don’t already know. I think I probably still operate out of the fear of not being enough, so I don’t always make eye contact, or smile the way that I could. It hasn’t been my intention to put other people at ease. It’s not that I don’t care, but it’s just not on my mind. I have been more concerned with HOW I AM PERCEIVED.

Now that I really look at it, it makes me sad to be that way.

I know I can change this, but it makes me curious, where did it start?

I have heard that women have been competitive with other women since the beginning of time. When we were a bunch of hulking cave women and needed to make sure no other burly cave woman was going to steal our caveman. Maybe that’s true, or maybe it’s just been learned through society.

We all know the mean girls in school.

I was never one of those. In fact, I was the girl that would take a scared newbie under my wing, and invite them to sit with me. But I certainly had felt like I wasn’t good enough for certain girl groups, and that made me steer clear of many of them. Don’t girls gossip and one up each other? At least that was what I was used to, and I did attract some really mean ones for a long time.

I am sure many of you may have also gone through a bitchy gossipy stage like I did as well. It felt better (at the time) to put down other women then actually feel my own feelings about my inadequacies. That didn’t last long, and I’m definitely not there now.

Also, for some reason if I saw a girl that I thought was prettier than me or more talented, I have assumed that she was a snob or that she was really better than me. So I wouldn’t go out of my way to connect. This isn’t fair to her at all, and I want to change it.

What I would prefer is to NOT jump into a place of being competitive, or assuming that I’m not on someone’s level.

I want to be MORE open and loving, and ready to connect with all women, recognizing that no matter what someone looks like, they are still going through difficult things in their life that they don’t have answers to.

I want to remember that we aren’t all that different.

I want to fully invest in being a really awesome friend to all women, even ones that I will never be close to.

It’s my goal starting today to make eye contact with everyone, everywhere I go, and send them all love. I am going to be the one that smiles and says ‘hello’ first, and has compassion when someone doesn’t say it back. Because I get it. Females can be strange, but we have protected ourselves long enough. It’s time to have each other’s back.

Schedule Emotional Drains?

Wow! What a weekend! This is the first one in a long time that actually FELT like a weekend. Know what I mean?

Sometimes we have these ridiculously stressful weeks and then convince ourselves that the weekend will be the time to finally really relax, and yet it becomes just another couple of days where we are running around stressed out chasing the feeling of relief.

This has been a huge part of my life lately. My hubby and I have had some pretty stressful, exhausting things going on with the kids and his ex-wife. So we have done what any concerned, aware, loving parents would do,..

we’ve talked about it obsessively.

I think in my head, I felt that if we aren’t talking about the issues over and over and over again until they are SOLVED, then we must be:

Living under a rock

Hiding

Avoiding

Afraid.

So,.. I pushed it. All the time, with no break. Anytime we saw each other we would start talking about these extremely heavy, exhausting PROBLEMS, ISSUES.

Isn’t that what we are supposed to do? 

But they didn’t get any better. I realized that I was so drained, emotionally, mentally and physically, but

THE ISSUES STILL REMAINED. 

I started to not feel particularly close to my hubby. I didn’t feel at all at peace. I didn’t feel full of energy, and I wasn’t noticing things I am grateful for.

Once we both discussed our feelings about all of this,

something magical happened.

We got a fuckin’ BRILLIANT idea. I think it’s the best we have had all year.

If talking about certain things is exhausting, and yet to some extent we still need to do it, why not create a schedule where it’s okay to do it in?

So here’s the deal: We decided that Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from 5pm -6pm is our talk time about the difficult stuff.

NO MORE THAN THAT. 

Can I even tell you what this has done to our lives! We have only been doing it for 5 days, and all ready I feel like a completely different person. I am lighter and happier and more joyful and so so grateful! I feel like I have my wonderful relationship back to where it was.

And I realized something else.

Before, I felt like if I WASN’T talking about the difficult stuff 24/7, then I was avoiding. But now, since there is a PLAN, a SYSTEM, I don’t feel that way at all!

I feel in control of my life.

So this situation reminded me that I am in control. It’s MY happiness, it’s MY joy, it’s MY life. I can make choices on when and who I want to discuss personal stuff with. And so far, I must say our schedule is

LIFE CHANGING.

This weekend was unbelievably connecting and fun and playful and open and I am so in love. We gave ourselves a much needed EMOTIONAL BREAK! Yesssssssssssssss!!

Sooooo grateful for intuition!!

Happy Monday! xo

Creativity Circle, uh yes please.

This morning while I was taking a shower, I was thinking about what to write today.

My love of almond butter?

My attempts at shutting up my super loud, (sorta cute) kitten from meowing me off a ledge?

My present situation with my step children?

My sudden 80’s ballad outbursts?

On one hand, I’m really enjoying getting down my thoughts about life and art and my kitten,.. hahah And yet on another hand, it feels really really yuckily self indulgent.

Normally, if you’d met me in real life, I would tell you less about myself, and I’d be asking a lot of questions. I am very fascinated by people and want to know ALL. OF. IT.

You know what I’d like to do? I’d really like to have a creativity circle where everyone comes, brings the thing they are working on, we each take turns discussing our FEELINGS and our FEARS and we RELISH in the fact that we GET TO CREATE. We can all hear and SUPPORT and VALIDATE each other. Ah!

Doesn’t that sound amazing?

 

Girl Time

I just returned from a long walk close to the beach with my sister in law. We’ve decided to do this every Tuesday from now on. Ahhh!! I just love my time with her! There is seriously nothing better than girl time where BOTH of you get to purge your thoughts and feelings and BOTH of you are engaged in what’s being said. I always leave feeling really heard and much lighter. It’s also helpful that BOTH of us are always looking for ways that we can be our best and truest selves. Sometimes rare to find that in a friend.

Anyway.

I’m seeing how important more GIRL TIME is in my life, and how easy it is to let it slip away. As much as I love my hubby, which I do more than anything, he’s not a WOMAN and I crave female interaction. When I don’t have it for long periods of time, I feel like I try shaping him into a girlfriend.

‘Please don’t give me a SOLUTION, I just need to feel.’ Ha!

He’s so good at attempting, but even as I say out loud what I need from him, I can hear how silly it sounds.

This video is my favorite depiction of gender differences. ahhahah! It’s so perfect!!!

I am always wanting to cry about ‘the nail’ before I can do anything about it. ahahhah

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