No matter what I used to do with my time, I’d never feel like I did enough. Anyone ever experience that?
And it was so silly because even if I had a specific LIST of what I wanted to ACCOMPLISH and lets say I did everything on that list, at the end of the day, I still had this nagging feeling of not doing enough, not being enough, not.. ENOUGH.
It’s interesting, where did that start? Are we taught this? Are some of us taught that? All of us? Did society do this? Does it stem from a deeply rooted belief that we AREN’T ENOUGH? That our core isn’t okay? That our decisions with HOW we spend our time isn’t quite right?
And even that, where did it start? Is it not trusting our intuition with what we need when we need it, and constantly feeling like we need to check in with others to see if
WE ARE OKAY,
IF WE ARE ENOUGH?
As you can probably see, I like to dig for the answers. I want to KNOW.
Anyway, I may never know THE ANSWER,
but I’m starting to just take the pressure off myself a bit more everyday, and I think part of that is because I’m embracing
Who. I. Am.
I realized, that regardless of my LIST, if I can spend more time in the moment, whatever that looks like to me, at the end of the day I feel more FULFILLED and less anxious about not ACCOMPLISHING ENOUGH.
Thank Gawd for that. Because what’s the point of life anyway? I’d like to think it’s to be happy and have peace and joy and play and growth, and truly be able to RELISH all of it, eat it with a spoon, gulp it down, with tears rolling down my cheeks,
FEEL ALL OF IT.
LIVE ALL OF IT.
It’s just another Thursday, walking my cat down the street.
They said it couldn’t be done, but my desire for a small furry animal to walk with me (and then hopefully learn to jaunt), outweighed the obvious absurdity of even attempting such a task.
We’d practiced for months inside using a leash and now he’s a full blown front lawn explorer. Yesss!!!! We. Frickin’. Did it.
This is a pic of my bonus daughter taking Nova out and about. They are such a good team!
I just finished the previous ‘precious’ blog post, and then I realized..
I. Have. More. To. Write.
This whole concept of PRECIOUS fits for all areas of life, not just making art! I hadn’t recognized that before, but it’s true. If anything in our lives is TOO PRECIOUS, that we feel we need to BE CAREFUL, we will never let it blossom into what it’s here to be.
This is a funny realization because just a couple of days ago I had written in my art journal about never wanting anyone to BE CAREFUL WITH ME. I love passionate, honest, raw interactions, and I never ever ever want someone to feel like they need to HANDLE ME WITH CARE, as if I will break.
Maybe part of what life is about is loving ourselves enough that we welcome honesty and surround ourselves with people that will speak the truth to us in a loving, respectful way.
Since I am this mother now, (I feel more and more like a mom even in my stepmom status) I usually think about how all of my learnings effect the kids in our lives. Teaching them to not need people to TIPTOE AROUND THEM, TREAD LIGHTLY, SPEAK HALF TRUTHS.
Don’t we want our kids to embrace the realness they see in others, desire honesty, and learn from mistakes? Then we need to be willing to do the same.
Finally the rain has stopped! The sun is already shining and all I want to do is be outside. I think I’m going to take my paper and pens and draw OUT THERE. I’ve been dying for Vitamin D.
I was working on this new thing yesterday, and I have no idea how it’ll turn out. I think the NOT KNOWING is what used to cause me a lot of anxiety before. That’s probably why I just drew in my art journal so I wouldn’t have to feel the feelings of heading in the wrong direction or making a mistake. Oh the pain of
MAKING A MISTAKE.
But now for some reason, I’m enjoying the newness, the curiosity!
Oh! And I’ve realized something.
In order for us (all of us) to make work. Probably any kind of work, we can’t see it as precious. We can’t see it as the best thing we have ever done and that it must be regarded with extreme care and tip toed around.
We have to be willing to take risks, and listen to those hits of intuition. If what we make is TOO SPECIAL and PRECIOUS it causes us to be TOO scared we will mess it up.
If we see everything as just play and curiosity, and we know we are constantly evolving our work, our life, then it’s not PRECIOUS, never to be recreated achievements,.. it’s just mirrors of our creativity that we allow to fall where they may.
Just another rant from me.
I’m going to make some very NON-precious work. ha!
Helloooooo Monday! Oh my gosh you should see the RAIN! It seriously won’t stop. I feel both amazing and a little like I’m over it. We usually get like 4 days a year of this kind of thing, but this year the rain HAS. NOT. STOPPED. It’s almost like we live in the Midwest or something. Sheesh!
Okay so I was in the studio this morning, after having made the decision to CUT into my humongous 140 lb. hot press watercolor paper. Yes, now is the time. It’s glorious thick paper, and I want to use it!
Anyway. I was sitting out there on my hands and knees with my X-acto knife and my pencil and trying to measure this 6 foot paper with a t-square (which is a horrible idea on the ground, aka doesn’t work). And I realized something.
I hate cutting.
I do. I mean I really hate it. I don’t ever get it straight. I hardly understand rulers to begin with.
I start sweating.
I get annoyed.
I just want it to be over. Ahhhahasdolrihaeksfv nalkdergn!!!!!!
This. Is. So. Stressful!!!!!!
Then I suddenly thought,’I WONDER IF SOMEONE CAN DO THIS FOR ME??’
Whhhhhat!!? It’s like the heavens opened up
I used to ALWAYS think I need to do everything on my own, but not anymore! If we are all geniuses at something, why not use other people’s genius to get us where we wanna be, right?
So here’s the deal, I’m taking my big ass role of expensive paper over to Fed EX, and THEY are cutting it for me!
Ha!! This is the best decision I’ve made this year.
Now I can get back to making art. Yesssss!
So,.. I mentioned a couple of posts ago that I haven’t been feeling well. Actually I’ve been in bed for nearly 2 weeks. Horrible cough, sore throat, clogged nose, you name it. There were a couple of days where it was clearing up, and I thought I was getting better. But then all of a sudden I was hit again.
Now this is odd for a couple of reasons.
First of all, I NEVER get sick. Like literally never. If I start getting slightly ‘off,’ I will just sleep a bunch and whatever it is has moved on. I have a really strong immune system.
Second of all, I have had a tendency to get sick when there is something not right emotionally in my life. I’ve lost my hearing before when I had a boyfriend that wouldn’t shut the fuck up. Like ever. I lost it for a month until we broke up. Once that happened, my ears opened up the next day.
I’ve also lost my voice or my nose has become so clogged. When I realized that I felt like I ‘literally couldn’t breathe’ in my life, everything cleared up once I used my voice and spoke up to my husband.
So this is totally normal for me. However, this time I’ve felt REALLY sick.
My mother gave me the idea to sit in the tub for 2 hours at a time with baking soda and epsom salts, and drink a gallon of water to clear out my chest. I must admit the baths have been amazing Jackie time extravaganzas, but they haven’t helped.
I did try another one this morning. Here is the pic.
Anyway, I was starting to get really frustrated. I want to get on with my life! I want to BREATHE again! And sleep! And talk normally! And swallow! And create without snot dripping onto my piece. Is that asking too much??
I thought about the feelings I’ve had while being sick. I’ve felt INCAPABLE, STUCK, DISCONNECTED, UNABLE TO DO ANYTHING, a bit like a VICTIM, etc. etc. etc.
Then I thought ‘Hmmm I wonder where I’ve felt some of those feelings in my life in order to bring forth this experience.’ Yes, I believe in this kind of stuff.
In other words ‘WHY THIS, NOW?’
Suddenly, I realized that for a long time in regards to my husbands ex wife, I’ve felt very INCAPABLE (of mothering the way I want to), STUCK (in a situation where I have no power), DISCONNECTED (from being their mom and yet I take care of them emotionally and do a lot for them like a mother would), UNABLE TO DO ANYTHING about this situation (because my husband was married to her, so he should communicate with her), and a bit like a VICTIM (what the fuck am I supposed to do, I’m doing too much, I’m not doing enough, I can’t do this…)
Aha! This could be it!
So I’ve decided something. My LIFE no longer revolves around her. I did not marry her. I will contact her when I want some information, or clarification, regardless of if my husband wants/needs/cares to communicate with her. I will do this because I need to feel empowered in my situation, and sitting on the sidelines WAITING for other people to ACT the way that I THINK THEY SHOULD ACT does
Also, she’s got Asperger’s and is difficult to communicate with. Thank Gawd my hubby and I are finally aware of this. We used to write cutesy emails to her and get these really cut and dry (rude, lez be honest) responses from her. So we have began mirroring our emails to her responses. Basically being very straight forward with no warmth.
However, this is not me. So in the spirit of changing,.. here goes.
I will not change my tone of voice with her face to face, or in messages. If I am changing who I am because she’s not responding to me the way that I WOULD LIKE HER TO RESPOND TO ME, then I must not be honoring who I am very well. I want to communicate to her with love, kindness, appreciation and compassion because that is what I who I am.
I want to be fully me. It is okay that she isn’t going to give me a shiny happy response. I don’t need that, I do not need acknowledgement from her.
All I need is to be ME completely.
Okay that is my rant for the day.
The sun is shining, my coffee is hot, my nose is clearing up already, and I have art to make.
Take that empowerment! 🙂