Duh!

Oh my gosh! So I was talking to my sister this morning and describing a situation that had happened recently where I felt really unseen in my step-momming role. It’s been so hard in so many ways! Too often when people hear the word STEPMOM (dum dum dummmmmmmm) they assume it’s some woman hiding in the shadows with no opinion or is at least so emotionally disconnected from the kids that she doesn’t participate in any of their upbringing.

That’s exactly how my stepmom was!

But that’s not at all my experience!! Partly because the kids mom is so emotionally void, and communication deficient, I came in to MAKE UP FOR HER. In so many ways it’s been extremely dis-empowering.

One day maybe I’ll write a  book about what I’ve learned. 

But for now …. what if I find other women like me and create a support group? I mean, why not? I would have benefited so much from a group of women that aren’t gathering to BASH their husbands or the ex–wife’s, but to actively work together to find solutions.

I know that for me, I have started to feel much better about myself since changing my definition of my role.

Maybe there are women out there that need this group. Woa. I’ve often wondered why I’ve gone through all of this. Maybe I can help people after all…

There has got to be women out there that are in similar situations and want to feel more empowered, more IN CONTROL of their lives.

1440

So I had never heard of 1440 in Scotts Valley, CA until my sister in law suggested we check it out. There was going to be a speaker there that she loves. I just agreed, because I love her, but still had no idea what I was in for.

Turns out, not only is the facility absolutely incredible and vibrating with energy, the food is phenomenal, the people are full of depth, and the speaker was exactly what I needed to hear.

Sharon Salzberg led us in deep discussions about compassion and love and kindness and tied it up in a nice package of meditation.

There is nothing better than getting an epiphany about something that’s been buzzing around in our heads. That’s exactly what I got. I realized that I’ve been associating doing  with being kind. I’ve gotten myself in a situation where I’m doing too much and now I’m drained. In the midst of all of this, hearing Sharon say that we can’t be giving if our vessel isn’t full, I had this realization. As much as I love to give, and I love to help out, if I end up doing more because I feel obligated, than I’m not giving from a good place. If I’m not doing things out of a place that feels good to me it certainly isn’t going to be good for anyone else.

I have known this intellectually, I know that. But something about the way she worded it, totally put me in a place of empowerment. Yes! That’s it! Because I love to give. Me giving isn’t the problem! But when the intention is to ‘make up for someone else,’ that’s not true giving, and that’s why it doesn’t feel right. A ha!

 

By the way, if you’re needing a place to replenish your body mind and spirit, check out 1440. It is truly amazing. I can’t wait to go back!!

Creating For Me

Hello! Happy Monday! The sun is out and it’s going to be another hot day here in San Diego.

I know I wrote a blog about a creative women’s group I wanted to start someday.  I remember writing it, and then being even more inspired from what I wrote.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago, right before I left on vacation….

I was telling one of my girlfriends the concept for the group. ‘Wouldn’t it be great to get a group of creative women together that all have these ideas that they want to do. We can talk out loud about them and THEN hold each other accountable for everything we say we want to do!’

Anyone that knows this particular friend, knows that her response to ANY new idea is always, ‘Oh my gosh you should TOTALLY do it!’ That’s exactly what she said, and this time I was ready.

In 10 minutes I had created a Facebook event and we were planning on our first meeting. It’s funny, even a year ago I would have been plagued with ‘oh my gosh I can’t facilitate this sort of thing, I don’t know what I am doing,’ or ,’ I need more time to RESEARCH what I want to say and do,’ or ‘I’m too busy,’ or ‘I’m not the right person for the job,’ etc. etc. etc. I would have been freaking out. But now, for some odd reason, I wasn’t. It felt organic, and just like the next step. It was almost shocking how NOT scared I was. I felt empowered and full.

The meeting was a complete success! It was full of magic and laughter and these super awesome, weirdly synchronized events with wildly magnetic, bursting, creative women. The whole time I felt strong and powerful and as if I was completely in the right place at the right time.

It’s pretty interesting to feel worlds different than I would have even a couple of months ago. Why?

Here’s what I think:
I needed this group FOR ME.

I didn’t set out to:
INSPIRE OTHERS.
Or TEACH THEM SOMETHING.
Or CHANGE THEM.

This was purely for me. I was in a place of realizing that I need ACCOUNTABILITY and I DESIRE being around creative, compassionate, warm, open women. But I created this group for me, and that took all the pressure off. If other people end up getting what they need along the way, that’s great, but it’s not the reason I am doing it.

HA! I can see how I can apply this concept to all areas of my life. It’s not my JOB to teach people or get them into places I want them to be or I think they should be. It IS my job however, to live authentically and create what I WANT AND NEED FOR ME. What what a relief! I don’t need to save the world after all. Ha!

From victim to straight up powerhouse

Whatever we need will be brought to us.
Whatever we are ready to learn, we will hear.

I woke up this morning with a strong realization that I have been a victim. I don’t mean the victim that has gotten her purse stolen or had some creepy dude yell something out from across the street.

I mean like a life victim. It’s funny because I know people that are total victims and I can smell them a mile away. The complaints and the whines can drive me insane and I’ve figured that I am so much different. I am so much more evolved.

And then I woke up seeing the truth.

My inner voice: Ah shit. (feeling like a slap in the face) I’m a victim.

I’ll admit, sometimes I feel like I can’t do it, can’t figure it out, can’t make it through, feel stuck. It’s a thick mucusy sensation like bobbing in the middle of the ocean without a life preserver.  And the thing that’s funny/sad is that I didn’t even REALIZE it. I mean I had mild sprinkling doses of it, but I didn’t REALIZE that my LIFE has been splattered with it. Wow. How did this even happen???

So I’d give off this ‘poor me’ vibe, which we all know is ultra sexy, and my truly sexy hubby would come running.

He tried to help by offering to do more, but I wouldn’t feel better, I’d only feel more pathetic.

He’s amazingly caring and warm and ready to do anything and everything to make life better and easier. For everyone, especially me.

But this morning when I got up at 4:25 am, I heard this:
 I am so capable. I don’t need to be saved.

It’s hard with men sometimes. We tell them we don’t need them to FIX IT.

If we have a great listener for a man (like I do), they ask what we need and do their best to EMPATHIZE instead. ‘Oh, that’s got to be really hard.’ But it doesn’t sound RIGHT. In fact, when my would do it, I almost wanted to laugh because the inflection was all wrong. The words came out awkwardly like a bad movie line. Do you know why it doesn’t sound right? Because they are MEN! They are supposed to FIX things! My man is a brilliant idea guy with millions of fresh ideas lined up for everything under the sun. Why would I want to squash those ideas and force him to say things that only girlfriends can get away with? ahhahaha

So back to my realizations… The ‘victim victim victim’ words rang out in my head as clear as day, because I am now ready to hear them.

So I ask you, blog world… Have you checked in lately to how you’re showing up? Even in the dark moldy pockets where it’s super freaky? This is not easy to admit to myself or anyone for that matter, but I must say being able to speak (and now write) openly takes the power away. I don’t need to be ashamed, I can just make the change.

I know what it feels like to be empowered. To know I’m in charge of my life and that I can handle anything that comes my way. I’m recognizing that the slap of seeing the truth only hurts for a bit. I can decide to do things differently and I am so so so grateful for that.

I feel free already. Yay! I am Jackie making my decisions and livin my life. Ha!

 

 

 

Messy

My dear sweet warm loving hubby told me yesterday that I am messy,

and he’s right.

I am messy.

Before I lived with him, I thought I was laid back. I thought I was nonchalant and super chill and I was so wrong. When I lived alone, I’d hide away in my house when I had FEELINGS so no one knew I did. I was so embarrassed about having them, I sort of forgot myself.

But when you live with someone, they SEE IT ALL,

and I. Am. Messy.

I can go from 0-60 in 2 seconds flat. I can be calm and then freakin’ lose it.

I can jump to conclusions, interrupt, burst into tears, and shut down completely. He doesn’t know what he’s going to get at any moment in time and I’m sure it’s totally annoying.

But just like everyone,  I am trying to figure it out. Sometimes I feel like I’ve got life under control and I feel enthusiastic, and uplifted and ready and alive. Other times I feel incompetent and petty and wrong.

Maybe I’m way more emotional then others. Maybe I’m a little bit scarier than some. But we all have STUFF and I’ll continue to learn and grow to become the best version of me that I can.

Doin’ It Yoga Style

I have this extreme love/hate relationship with this hardcore yoga class called yoga sculpt. The temperature is turned up so high your body begins dripping with sweat, and then along with some yoga moves, you are pumping iron

WITH WEIGHTS.

The first time I did it I ended up stopping in the middle, totally done, gasping for breath on the floor and thought I was going to die. Seriously. I have worked out my entire life and yet this is the absolute hardest class I have ever done.

Now this is where things get interesting. Sure the class is hard, sure it’s like a fucking nightmare, lez be honest. But it does end! The intervals end, the downward dogs end, the horrible squats, all end.

It was a habit of mine for most of the time I was in this class to STOP when it got horrible. My chest starts burning, and my limbs shake so hard I think they will fall off, and there is so much sweat on my face that my contacts are swimming. So I would stop.

I started to believe that I COULDN’T go on.

Stopping became a habit.

 

And then I realized something.

I’m stopping before the miracle even happens. I’m stopping when it gets tough, when I feel super uncomfortable,..

I was outta there.

This didn’t just happen in yoga for me, it was like my whole life was laid out on the mat.

I’VE DONE THIS BEFORE IN SO MANY AREAS OF MY LIFE.

Life gets horrible, or feels nearly impossible and I checked out.

So what if I start to do things differently in this yoga class? Maybe there’s a chance that I start to become more aware of it in my life. What I have also realized is that it’s okay to slow down. What if instead of STOPPING, I get really present and breathe in compassion and MOVE SLOWER,

BUT DON’T STOP?

I’m not always perfect about this little tweak. Sometimes I still get so mind bobblingly ill that I have to stop, and that is okay. But I would say in general I push myself more.

Isn’t this true about LIFE? All parts of LIFE? Creating art or having relationships or finding a great job or doing really anything? If we QUIT when it hurts or feels yucky, what happens? We miss out. The art won’t get looked at, we won’t get that great job, we won’t work out relationship issues,

NOTHING WILL CHANGE.

I’m focusing on slowing down if I need to, but NOT STOPPING. I can do this, I can get through life (and HORRIBLY AMAZING yoga). There is always an ebb and flow, and it always gets better. I can do this, and so can you. We can move through even when it’s hard.

 

 

Creativity Circle, uh yes please.

This morning while I was taking a shower, I was thinking about what to write today.

My love of almond butter?

My attempts at shutting up my super loud, (sorta cute) kitten from meowing me off a ledge?

My present situation with my step children?

My sudden 80’s ballad outbursts?

On one hand, I’m really enjoying getting down my thoughts about life and art and my kitten,.. hahah And yet on another hand, it feels really really yuckily self indulgent.

Normally, if you’d met me in real life, I would tell you less about myself, and I’d be asking a lot of questions. I am very fascinated by people and want to know ALL. OF. IT.

You know what I’d like to do? I’d really like to have a creativity circle where everyone comes, brings the thing they are working on, we each take turns discussing our FEELINGS and our FEARS and we RELISH in the fact that we GET TO CREATE. We can all hear and SUPPORT and VALIDATE each other. Ah!

Doesn’t that sound amazing?

 

Productive waste of time

Here I am, Monday morning so grateful to be home after an extremely packed weekend at Disneyland. If I were to ask my heart what it wants to do, it would say DRAW! CREATE! PAINT! That is seriously all I want to do. It would probably be wrapped up in emotions and tears and these huge beautiful epiphanies. And yet there is still this silly little part of me that thinks, ‘Noooo that sounds too great, maybe you should find things that need to be CLEANED! FIXED! WORKED ON! Things that don’t make you happy, but make you feel PRODUCTIVE.’

There’s that word, productive.

I remember for years,hoping and wishing and praying and basing everything on FEELING PRODUCTIVE. It had NOTHING to do with if I was HAPPY or RELISHING or GRATEFUL or USING MY GIFTS.

What good is feeling PRODUCTIVE if you aren’t actually accomplishing anything that really matters to you. Just the feeling of PRODUCTIVITY doesn’t mean you’re living your passion, or on your path. To me, many times it can be running in circles very fast just so I feel like I’m kicking my ass. It doesn’t actually mean I’m

DOING ANYTHING WORTHWHILE.

How’s that for weirdness? Is this what we WANT?

What does PRODUCTIVE mask for you? For me, it would hide the fact that I was uncomfortable,

or felt incompetent,

or that I couldn’t say no

or stand up for myself.

I was really good at hiding all of those super yucky feelings under a thick blanket of PRODUCTIVE.

I guess this is just one more thing I’m working on. I love the feeling of starting new projects and finishing them, setting goals of things that I actually really care about. I’m saying no to staying BUSY out of FEAR of facing reality.

 

 

 

 

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑