Allowing It to Just Freakin Be

It’s December 3rd, I can’t believe it. It seems like yesterday we were headed out on a family vacation in the middle of summer. This last quarter of the year is flying by so fast, isn’t it?

I know I am allowing life to move easier when I suddenly realize ‘oh! This is normally when I would have beat myself up!’

This is the place I would have looked around and realized that I have NOT been working out the way I need to, and I would have been so mad at myself.

This is the place I would have felt a thick blanket of misery with all the ‘should haves and ‘what’s wrong with me’s, ‘I’m so lazy,’ and all the ‘I’m not good enoughs.’

But I don’t feel that way at all.

Yes, I am soooooooooooooo craving working out more than I have been.

Also yes, I am ready to finally get back into creating my SCHEDULE and sticking to it.

But!

I recognize that sometimes LIFE IS STRESSFUL and full AND WE DO WHAT WE CAN.

That right there is huge for me.

We do what we can.

This month and a 1/2 has been more movement and more stress than the entire year combined. We were flying across the country to find a therapeutic boarding school for our son, days before our daughters Bat Mitzvah. This past week we were moving our son out of his wilderness camp and into his new school, 2 states away.

It’s okay I haven’t been going to the gym as much as I’d like.

It’s okay that my website still isn’t done.

It’s okay that the year is moving on.

I think sometimes I need to remember that the goals we set for ourselves sometimes get interrupted by life, and that is okay.

If I had made my goals my ONLY priority, here’s what I would have missed out on:

  1. Being present with finding B the best school for him.
  2. Being focused on creating the best event we could for our daughter.
  3. Being present at her event and feeling so proud of her, and so much love.
  4. Getting a chance to see B right after as he came down the mountain from LIVING in the wilderness for 3 1/2 month.
  5. Being present to hear everything he wanted to talk about.
  6. Laughing as a family.
  7. Getting extra sleep from all the traveling.
  8. Enjoying a moment at an Italian restaurant with my honey.
  9. Allowing myself to feel all of it after we dropped B off at his new school.

And so much more.

There is still time to do what I am here to do. There is still time for my goals and dreams. But I want to be present in LIFE, I want to participate in the events that won’t happen again ever. That is my priority.

 

Flow

I started this piece a couple of weeks ago when I was in the throws of extreme anxiety. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. I was obsessing and my heart wouldn’t stop pounding.

So I picked up the paintbrush and let my hand lead. Usually I get super stiff when I attempt something large, but I was in such a state, I hardly noticed that I was working on a 16 x 20 canvas.

As I continued through endless hours of painting movement, I realized the lesson here. Life is always in motion, always in flow; if we allow it. The more that I can remember that, and allow the bigger picture to come into view, I can rise above anxiety.

So here is my first finished piece of flow.

ahhhhh I will be finishing my next very soon! xo

The Dance of Creativity, the Dance of Life

It’s funny how life moves, ebbs and flows. Sometimes I am buzzing with this luscious creative energy pulsing through my body.

Other times I am a bit listless. My mind bouncing back and forth on a certain piece, playing through different actions I could take to get me back to that place of deliciously vibrant energy.

I always get back, but sometimes the journey is uncomfortable. Right now, I see images in my head over and over again and once I start creating them, they disappear and I’m left with only a sliver of what I saw. So there’s the anxiety, the flipping of my brain to figure it out, to solve the mystery.

As I sit here at the computer, reminding myself to be PRESENT with where I am, and that I will get back to creating soon enough, I am also remembering that part of the process IS the trial and error. It IS the moving closer and closer to who we are at the depth of our core, and then sometimes in the next second being washed back onto the shore unsure of what just happened.

Maybe this is what it feels like to be an artist.

Maybe this is what it feels like to be human.

The glorious blissful moments where everything connects, and then the constant yearning for that when it’s gone.
Maybe I don’t need to yearn.

Maybe I can breathe through the not knowing, and remember the process, remember that curiosity must remain in order for work to come alive at all.

I want my pieces to not only have color and movement, but to be full of feelings and heartbreak and power and vivid streaks of beauty and pain. The only way I can do any of that is to be there, dancing with it. Holding on to and letting it lead, allowing it to move to it’s own beat while I step out of the way and gracefully allow creativity to lead.

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