Category: My Rants

Becoming Younger

Hello everyone! Happy Monday! I try and get on here at least once a week on Monday’s. But last Monday my hubby and I were visiting his parents, so I wasn’t able to. 😦 Sheesh, it feels like it’s been FOREVER since I’ve written!

I was thinking about something a couple of days ago that I wanted to write about. I remember turning 25 and feeling this horrible rolling pain of insecurity, disgust, and panic. I was so afraid that I was getting OLD, running out of time and had nothing to show for it. It’s so funny to look back and realize how young I actually was.

Society (and social media lez be honest) tells us (subconsciously and blatantly) what we SHOULD have:

  1. Accomplished
  2. Experienced
  3. Purchased

by the time we are 21, or 25, or 30, or 35 or 40 and so on.

I know most of us get involved in some way or another in this anxious fear that:
Where we are isn’t right.
What we are doing isn’t enough.
Who we are isn’t okay.

Something that I am grateful for lately especially, is paving my own way, and enjoying it. I’ve always paved my own way, I’ve always created my own path, but I usually felt ashamed about doing it. I usually felt embarrassed and different and wrong.

Lately, I am seeing my creative veering spirit as a gift. I am finally acknowledging that I have never followed the herd, and that maybe that is okay. Maybe that is in fact PERFECT,.. for me. Maybe I have everything I need right now in this moment. Slowly, all of the yucky phrases I used to say to myself like: ‘You should have done more, you aren’t doing enough, you are wrong, you are bad, you must be lazy, you are different, you are ugly…’ are fading.

If I had to guess, I would say here is why that is happening:

  1. I’m making self care my top priority. I am constantly checking in with how I feel, and treating myself the way I would to a small child. If I am tired, I will take a nap. If I feel emotional, I will cry. I don’t need to know why, I don’t need to figure it out. And I certainly don’t tell myself that it’s silly.
  2. I’m allowing myself to feel the depth of my joy when I am doing the things that I love. For some reason this has been a hard one for me! Even when I am doing art, there is a tendency to check my texts, suddenly do a google search, or look through my email. Making art brings me so much unbelievable joy, but there has been a part of me that didn’t feel I deserve it. So instead, I stop messing with my phone, tune into what my soul is saying and what my an immense amount of joy actually feels like.
  3. Meditation. Okay so I’ve said that I meditate every morning. But that’s not entirely true. Every morning I have gone into my meditation closet with the intention of meditating. But also every morning my super sweet, yet annoying cat also comes in with me and spends the whole time climbing across my lap and meowing into my face. Most of my ‘meditation’ time has been used up quieting him and inside getting so so fucking irritated. Anyway,… now, I am spending the early session (with him climbing on me) acknowledging and listing everything I am grateful for. He loves the energy in my meditation room and eventually relaxes, but I am no longer pushing against him or needing him to be different. A little later in the morning when Nova is sleeping, I sit down to do my actual meditation. This way I can have a really wonderful meditation with no interruptus. 😉 Also I am using Deepak Chopra’s 30 day challenge that I found on YouTube.

It’s so funny how I felt so terrified and old and wrong when I was 25, and in this moment I am 13 years older. 
I actually feel a thousand times more grounded, more grateful, more creative, more solid, more reverent, more brave, way more attractive, and with a knowing that gifts are continuously coming from the Universe.

I feel like it really is true that age is just a number, and we can become younger, calmer, stronger, lighter, and more patient.

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Healing Touch

Hello!

Welcome to the end of March! Sheesh! This year feels like it’s flying already. Wow!  Anyway, after a post the other day about not listening to my curiosities, I decided to do something about it.

I took a 2 days course on Healing Touch, something I have been CURIOUS about for a couple of  years. I would love to enhance my intuition, and so…. I SAID YES!

I must say, I really  loved it. It was a new experience to go into a class not knowing if I would enjoy it or not. But being able to be light about it,
to ‘check and see,
to keep my heart open,
to move through it with ease
and just ‘check in with what felt right.’

It was nice to allow myself to be a beginner and to not have signed up for all 5 classes already. ahahha

Anyway, it was a fascinating introduction to energy work, and I wanna go further! I actually think I want to take Healing Touch for animals in the next couple of months. I love animals, and the older I get the more my heart just relishes in them.

So that is the plan! For those of you curious about Healing Touch, check it out. What I love about it, is that it is taught the same way no matter where you go. Hospitals are now utilizing it, and seeing the benefits! Ha! So it’s not just gypsy women sitting on the street corner with no money begging for cans of tuna in exchange for energy healing. haahah

I feel great that I am paving a path for myself, and ART is still intermixed with it. I can do them both!

By the way, does anyone have any tips for schedules and creating balance? Between managing 3 buildings with my hubby, family, healing touch, art, volunteering at hospice, attending hospice classes, and uhhh taking an occasional bath, I sure could use some suggestions.  😉

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Passion and then WHAT?

I have always been excited about life. I have always been curious and fascinated and desiring to experience all. Of. It.

But one thing held me back from saying yes to EVERYTHING.

Art.

As interested and enamored and in awe as I have always been with the nuances of life, I also knew that if I ‘took on’ everything that caught my attention, there was a chance I would end up a shell that didn’t have any time for the one thing that fills me up more than most everything.

Making art. 

So I didn’t commit.

I didn’t take that class or research, or learn the things that gently knocked on my heart.

I’d get swept up for just a moment fantasizing about something new and adventurous, and at the last second I would decide not to take the plunge and explore down a different path.

When one has lived their life skipping from one piece of passion to another, and only moving forward when it’s hot and sizzling and wild, that are pieces that might have gotten missed.

I never followed a path that I laid out before me. Moving through it, sometimes slowly, just to get to the end. I would stop half way if it felt anything less than mountains moving.

I think in some ways I recognized that I had something really great. There are many people that don’t feel PASSION at all. The fact that I have it, I should probably hold onto it with tight fingers.
Hide it.
Keep it safe.
Make sure it doesn’t slip away, or worse, have it feel as if I am ungrateful or don’t care.

I guess by me always choosing art first AND ONLY, I felt like I was honoring the passion inside me. But I can see now that I was not respecting all parts of me.

I was always leaving the gnawing, whispering, playful questions at the backdoor. Unattended to. 

Maybe if I pursue/learn/dive in to all these new exciting curiosities, they may not feel the way art does.

Is that okay?

Maybe creating art is supposed to feel different for me. Maybe it will always be the place I can re-find me. Where I can curl up and breathe life back into my soul. Maybe that doesn’t happen with every activity/hobby/interest that I have.

Maybe these interests will STILL enhance my life.

Maybe I will STILL learn more about myself and my gifts.

As I ask myself these questions, I’ve decided that I no longer want to deny urges I have to experience life.
This year will be different.
This year I will move forward even with small quivers of my curiosities.
I will trust that what I’m curious about is there for a reason.

I will trust that there is so much more to discover about myself.

I will trust that life isn’t only buzzing, passionate smoldering energy. It is the space between as well. It is the not knowing, it is the dark lonely paths and uncharted heaviness. It is the light moments of joy that may not be connected to any depth.

I am going to discover all of those parts of myself as well.

Yea for the journey! Wow! I didn’t even know what I was going to write about when I sat down. This is what is so healing about writing. This blog is way more for me than anyone else. I am okay with no one ever reading it. What I get from just writing out my feelings is so phenomenal. If anyone happens to read it and understand or something connected for them through it, that’s great. But it’s not why I’m doing it. I love linking these thoughts and feelings together and walking away with a better understanding of who I am and what I want out of life. Yessssssssssss!

What have you discovered lately about yourself?

 

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Lessons of Now

This is one of those random lessons that I get so excited about learning. Ha! How often have we all been here?!

Hmmm How can I make my life easier?? ahha

what I am learning

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Kondoizing

Okay, so I had heard about Marie Kondo, and I had the INTENTION of reading her book a couple of years ago and being inspired. But I never got around to it. However, this past week I took a short trip back to Utah, and had a chance to catch a couple of her episodes on the Netflix show Tiding Up.

I had no idea what to expect. 

I had no idea that I would not only be excited to try her tricks, but that I would unexpectedly find myself emotional. I had no ideas that something so deep in me would be so awakened.

Fast forward to past weekend where I decided to fully Kondoize my closet. I piled everything onto bed in the guest bedroom, and got to work. The first thing I learned was that it was a lot easier to move through knowing what to keep and what to get rid of than what I had originally thought. Instead of asking myself a myriad of questions about the function and how well it works, and if it was a gift, etc. etc. blah blah blah

I had one question.

Does this spark joy? 

Usually the answer was a quick, electric jolt of a yes or no. Usually the answer had been there all along, but I had never asked the question.

The best part for me is how Marie taught people to say thank you to the items they were getting rid of. For some reason that woke me up. I felt it. I think all too often we are harsh. Harsh to ourselves, harsh to other people, harsh to our things. I really resonate with the experience of thanking everything for being a part of our life, even if the time has come to an end.

Anyway, I spent half of Saturday and all of Sunday clearing my closet and my chest of drawers. I can’t  believe how magnificent it was! As it was reaching 7pm on Sunday, I had been going all day, and I realized that I didn’t feel tired at all. I felt rejuvenated, relaxed, excited, pulsing, alive, and like I could breathe again.

shirt.jpeg

drawers.jpeg

I knew I had a lot of stuff, but I didn’t really think about the fact that so much old energy was being stuffed into my space. No wonder our space has felt heavy and thick and full. There was no movement! No flow!

The part of all of this that is so phenomenal to me, is that asking this question could have made my life WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY less cluttered years ago! I had never once lived my life with so much authenticity like what I am learning right now. All of the items I’ve kept out of sheer uncaring, or gifts from obligation, or piles of STUFF that could have been thrown out forever ago if i asked myself that ONE question.

Does it spark JOY?

Wow. What an exciting way to honor ourselves with items and feelings that ARE US. This is one of the highest forms of self respect, and I am doing it. I  feel like my entire life is changing. Ha!

Today I will excitedly tackle my nightstand and bathroom with grace and gratitude. I can’t wait for our entire house to be Konzoized!

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In the Sadness

I don’t know what it is about today, but I am so stuffed with emotions right now. It’s so good to start writing.

I’m feeling really sad. It is the kind of sadness that burrows inside like a sharp knife and spreads itself like thick, warm mud throughout my whole body.

I just want to cry and cry and cry.

I think at first I would have said that I don’t know why I feel this way. It’s easy to say ‘I don’t know’ as the first response to big emotions.
Where did we learn that from?

Is it that we really don’t know?

Or that we weren’t taught to ask ourselves where our feelings are coming from?

Or that we expect instant answers and don’t have experience with allowing the revelations to move through us, though sometimes slowly?

The truth is, I do know why I’m sad.
We have recently had an experience where we were left out of something big. And I want to shake someone and cry and tell them how it feels. I think I’m also sad that being an adult sometimes means that I need to move through my feelings without blaming someone else.

When all I want to do is blame right now. I do.

I want to scream and tell them it’s their fault, and THEY were disrespectful and rude.

Sometimes it’s difficult to know how to handle being hurt by someone. I mean, there are some people (my husband included), where I can speak openly about being hurt. I can discuss it and move through it and we can both understand each other deeper. Then I can box it up in a nice little package, and discard it. Renewed and more connected with myself and the other person. But there are other people that never allow any feelings like that to come close them. They will viciously attack back, even if the intention was to address it in a vulnerable respectful way.

So what do you do with people like that?

With the ones that you don’t feel safe in sharing your feelings with?

And what I am learning is that it is okay for me to FEEL whatever I am feeling. That doesn’t mean that I need to PUT IT ON ANYONE. No one can MAKE me feel a certain way, I know that.

And yet, there is some sadness again.

Each time I write, I learn more about myself. I am learning that I appreciate sharing my feelings, even if it’s hurt and sadness. I appreciate sharing them with someone that is opening to hearing and growing and becoming closer. And for me, sharing, voicing, having a voice, helps me feel stronger as a human.

I think just hearing my voice reminds me that I am okay, and that I am not alone. 

So. It’s sad that there are people (only 1 or 2 now) in my life, that I still cannot share completely with. That they are maybe stuck emotionally and seem to be incapable of opening to vulnerability,
to connection,
to truth. And so something that bonds some of us, needs to be dealt with alone because I don’t feel safe in sharing. 

And maybe the more I get to know myself, and know that I grow through sharing, maybe I also am learning that not everyone does. And that I cannot make someone grow with me and my feelings. That me EXPECTING someone to give a shit about my feelings is also me not recognizing that we are all different.

That we come from different places.
That we need different things.
That we don’t see things that same way and never will.

So here I am, full circle, maybe dipping my toe in a place of compassion. But definitely recognizing that my expectation of other humans and their apparent short falls is actually MY shortfall. 

And for that, I am also sad.

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Appreciation Here

I appreciate the small warm breeze brushing over my face.

I appreciate being home.

I appreciate getting the laundry done.

I appreciate feeling humbled.

I appreciate having kittens that always want love.

I appreciate there is time to make art.

I appreciate allowing myself to create the new ideas that come to me.

I appreciate the quiet outside.

I appreciate the sun across my cheeks.

I appreciate that I am feeling better than yesterday.

I appreciate I can start over with anything that doesn’t feel right.

I appreciate realizing that I can treat myself better than I have been.

I appreciate following through on my commitments I make to myself.

I appreciate my fresh red pepper juice.

I appreciate that my hubby is too sick to taste the red pepper juice, and drank it easily.

I appreciate feeling at peace.

I appreciate knowing that everything will be put away in time. I don’t need to do it right away.

I appreciate the limitless time I have to create.

I appreciate the new pieces I am creating.

I appreciate my creativity.

I appreciate being able to drive.

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Return From Cuba

I just returned from a very long vacation to Cuba. It was informative and interesting and fascinating, and yet sometimes difficult.

We were on a small ship, and my hubby and I were the youngest ones. ahahh Most everyone was at least 70 yrs. old.

One of the things I witnessed about myself along the trip, was that I didn’t take as good of care of myself as I could have.

There were times when I:
went along with things I didn’t want to do,
kept my opinions to myself,
felt put upon and victimized.

Those were the difficult times.

I only got home a couple of days ago, and both my hubby and I unfortunately caught some horrible cold/flu on the ship so we have been in bed late Friday night. I can’t help wondering if our inability to check in with our desires, our need to go along with plans that we didn’t like, and our sometimes dis-empowered feelings contributed to our immune system being lowered enough to get this sick.

Or maybe it was just being stuck on a bus 3 days in a row for 9 hours each, with a bunch of sick humans. ahhah

Whatever it is, what I do know is that when we aren’t being fully ourselves, and not speaking our truth, listening to what WE NEED, life can feel harder than it needs to.

I meditated at home Saturday morning, and just sitting alone in quiet, I realized that I didn’t give myself any of that on the ship. There was a lot of going going going, but I didn’t carve out the space, the time. I didn’t make ME more important. In fact, I somehow fell to the bottom of the list.

It showed me how easily it is to slip away from feeling good. But if we just LISTEN to what’s going on inside, if we honor what we truly need, and speak our truth, suddenly things fall into place. Life feels easier, more enjoyable. I know I feel more sure of myself, more confident, more alive.

So it’s just another lesson, and I can start over any time I need.

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Even Though

Even though life has been really busy,

I can decide to take a break.

Even though I feel like I’m running out of time,

I can choose to sit in silence and feel my feelings.

Even though there has been so much emotional pain lately,

I can decide to be gentle on myself knowing that I am doing the best I can.

Even though I feel overwhelmed,

I can trust that my body mind and spirit need rest in order to rejuvenate.

Even though I would love clarity,

I know that searching impatiently won’t bring me closer to what I want. I can enjoy where I am and trust that the answers will always show up.

 

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Habit Bull

Hello everyone!

Ahhhh wow, another year is already in full swing. I’m so curious how everyone’s YEAR is feeling so far. I’m surprised that ours started with a bang. It seems like we have been going going going. I’m sure there is a lesson in there somewhere. It feels like this endless cycle of running, and planning, and deciding, and jumping from one thing to the next.

Is anyone else feeling similar?

I wonder if it’s a societal experience that society as a whole is feeling? I am sure our SMART devices, though they are amazing, aren’t really helping us catch our breath, or feeling ‘as one’ or more connected to ourselves. And yet they are so damn addictive! Sheesh! I’m recognizing that there is nothing better than lying in a hot bath with my phone on the other side of the house. And yet, it takes a lot of PLANNING and FOCUS to do that. The habit is to have the phone right next to me most moments. This isn’t healthy, I can tell it’s not.

I know the phone habit thing is experienced by most people, and that it’s a habit to compare ourselves constantly to the phony overly photoshopped pics on Instagram, or the overly embellished stories on Facebook. So I’m going to do my part once again to mess with my phone LESS than I am right now. I feel better about myself with some space away from it. I get more done. I feel like I can HEAR my inner voice better, and it becomes louder. There are so many reasons to disconnect from the phone more often.

If anyone is interested in doing this as well, or if you have another habit you’d like to kick this year,
I found an app for it!
I actually got the app because I have a TERRIBLE habit of picking my fingers and my face. So NOW I can track when I follow through and when I let myself down. Even though I’ve only been doing it a little over a week, and have plenty of days where I haven’t left my fingers (or face) alone, I’m becoming more aware of how often I go to pick and what is going on right before I decide to do it. Aha! So finally this may be the ticket to overcoming some old not cool habits.

Yesssssssssss!

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