Creating a Life I love Through Art
I stumbled upon this photo-realistic painter on Instagram awhile back, and was blown away. Her attention to detail and emotion is stunning. It’s one thing to paint what you see, but it’s quite another to add LIFE to it.
Check out her work when you get a chance:
https://www.instagram.com/slevenson/
https://shanalevenson.com/
Happy Monday everyone!
So I am a morning person, I love getting up early while the house is still sleeping to begin my day. However, I was realizing that by 10 am, I’m already getting pretty draggy.
A couple days ago as I was walking outside, I felt my body craving to move a little more, sway, breath, flow..
I realized that too much sitting is not working for me.
I need to move.
My body needs to move and flow and,… DANCE!!!!
So I found some happy dance music on YouTube, turned it up, and let my body just MOVE. No rules, no doing it wrong, just let my body move whatever way it needed.
Wow! I instantly woke up and felt invigorated again and not only that,… I felt like the creative juices started flowing again. Yes! Okay so maybe I don’t need the second cup of coffee. Maybe I just need an endorphin rush. Yesssssssssssssssssss
By the way, holy crap, there are a LOT of upbeat, positive fun songs to dance with that will IMMEDIATELY change your frame of mind.
Thank Gawd!!
Have you ever realized that your body needs more movement?
Shhhhhhit it’s about time!
So I’ve realized something sorta funny. I get so super excited to start a new piece that I tend to not really be aware of the materials I’m using. This has been a problem for years, it’s not at all new. But the idea of MAKING DRAFTS of anything is very nauseating, and I have this belief that my piece will end up feeling less intuitive. So I’d just start with a lot of excitement and vigor and then suddenly realize the paper is sucky or the pen is writing like crap with the particular paint. Silly mistakes. Mistakes I DIDN’T need to discover IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ACTUAL ART PIECE.
I end up super annoyed that my piece isn’t as good as it could have been.
Oh Gawd this is soooooo obviously self sabotage.
I can see that by NOT planning, and then creating something that has obvious material issues, I can blame the problems with the piece on that. Instead of PREPARING and oh no, what if I STILL DON’T LIKE IT?
Or what if I do?
Funny how our self sabotage brain can be oh so sneaky.
So because I can see it all pretty damn clear, I decided to do something I’ve never done before.
Make freakin’ notes.
I even had to document it with this photo, that’s how rare it is. Ya you’re not gunna get the best of me again SELF SABOTAGE BULLSHIT BRAIN, (or SSBB).
So once again, I need to figure out the BALANCE between 2 extremes.
Huh. Big thoughts here people. Big adult thinking going on.
All I can say is bring it on!
So this may come as a surprise, but I had no idea I am so damn opinionated. I guess being around kids must bring it out, all these hidden feelings and beliefs about how kids should be raised, how people SHOULD BE treated, how CONSEQUENCES SHOULD go, how lessons SHOULD BE learned, etc.
Obviously being so highly opinionated in a very unpredictable, sometimes dis-empowering, confusing, sometimes overwhelming situation just makes it all the more difficult.
But is the situation the problem?
Or is it because I’ve come into the situation with all kinds of my OWN baggage and crap and beliefs and opinions and I’ve felt like it’s
my DUTY!
My JOB!
My NEED to sprinkle them along until everyone else
believes,
acts,
reacts,
and chooses the way I think they SHOULD.
Oh shit.
This feels very very yucky to write, but unfortunately it may be true.
Now, I know I can’t just allow people to take advantage of me anymore. That’s something I have definitely gotten under my belt.
And yet, I also can’t
MANDATE,
or CONTROL,
or DEMAND things to be different.
So maybe it doesn’t need to be so black and white?
The more that I sit and meditate and concentrate on my breathing, allow myself to relax, I am finding the space within. The small whispered gap that says it doesn’t need to be either extreme.
I am not here to be hyper vigilant for everyone else, running around teaching, and validating, and predicting and researching and making sure everyone has what they need, and everything is running smoothly. All the while slowly (or freaking quickly) falling apart.
I’m also not here to hide away in my meditation closet with my fingers in my ears totally unaware of what’s going on while my power slips through the door and I’m left a shell of a human.
Wow. I just realized that BOTH EXTREMES leave me only a portion of who I really am.
Ha! How freakin’ fascinating!
With either extreme, I lose myself.
Like I’ve mentioned a zillion times before, I know I am here in this place, in this space, in this house with these humans for many reasons. But it’s not TO CHANGE THEM the way I thought it was. Oh gawd I actually did.
It’s to change me.
Because (here’s the clencher) I have a ton of my own lessons to learn, and don’t need to be so concerned with what everyone else is learning!!!
DING! DING! DING!!
It’s not my job to be LIFE’S LESSON TEACHER. ahhahahahh Sheesh. Sometimes just jotting down my feelings is the best way I can find out what is really going on.
I can learn to swing from tree to tree, trusting that life gives everyone what they (and I) need to learn.
Just stay in your own lane, Jackie, stay. in. your. own. lane.
What we send out into the world, always comes back. I have to remind myself of this when I am annoyed and angry and irritated or just hungry and tired. That’s not the reason for me to attempt to be the best version of myself, but it’s good for me to keep in mind. I’m working on feeling my feelings fully (and eating when I’m a total b****) so I can be present with showing up in a place of gratitude, joy, and kindness. And yet, I’m constantly seeing I need to forgive myself when I don’t do it the way I’d like.
Sending you all love, peace and harmony. May you have the desire to follow your own heart and the bravery to speak your truth.
What??!
Wow! I happened to be surfing Instagram when I came across this gem. These are hyper-realistic portraits made from silk, cotton and wool.
I am so unbelievably fascinated!
The part that I found to be even cooler, is that the back of the embroidery is just as incredible, if not more. Wow! There is so much life and power and movement just beyond what we would normally see. Sheesh…
Check her out:
https://www.instagram.com/caycezavagliastudio/
http://www.caycezavaglia.com/
xo Jax
Finally! School is OVER, (which means driving 3 hours a day is OVER), our lovely vacation with the kids is OVER as well.
So,.. you know what this means….
I can GET TO focus on JACKIE!!!
I’ve realized that over this past year, my thoughts, my energy, my mind, my heart has been devoted to Brian. Getting him into a new school, finding a new therapist, having the answers, driving him all over town, discussing issues with teachers, working out consequences for behavior, long convos about behavior, forgiving, meditating, feeling my feelings of anger and sadness, and literally giving as much as I possibly could to the situation.
But now my friends, is a NEW JACKIE.
Maybe I had to go through all of this to get clearer on WHAT I WANT FOR MY LIFE.
Because I have plans for ME. I have plans where I get to be ME FULLY, and I can no longer allow those plans and dreams and desires to be covered by the constant needs of this little boy.
We are reaching out for help in other directions and I am practicing saying NO.
If anything, this is teaching me that I DON’T NEED TO HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS. Oh my gawd tears come to my eyes just writing that out. My entire life I have felt that it was my JOB to have all the answers.
To everything.
And I can’t!
I don’t.
I am NOT AN EXPERT in what he needs.
I am ready to happily hand it over to the actual experts so I can enjoy more OF MY LIFE.
I need to be more important than all of these little things that used to occupy my time. I cannot change the situation. I cannot make miracles with everyone that I think needs to change.
I must matter, and so as I enter the summer of 2018, I am reminded that I will be here for me. If I fail to make decisions FOR ME, that is MY FAULT, MY DOING.
I can take care of me first, practice getting comfortable with NOT having all the answers, allow space for my husband and his ex wife to make important decisions, and remember to BREATHE.
I matter. I matter. I matter. xo
Holy hell it’s been awhile since I’ve posted. Sheesh! Actually it’s been awhile since I’ve done much of anything it feels like. I’ve started just making sure that I am making art, doing some writing, meditating, and the rest feels like it’s been driving Brian to/from school, and family stuff.
Something you may not know about me (why would you, I don’t tell anyone) is that I would like to have a baby. I think I’ve avoided coming out and saying that for a couple of reasons.
1. Everyone I know already has kids, and I feel like I’m starting late. So this has caused years of back and forth with should I or shouldn’t I? Do I want it or not. I think I was afraid people in my life would think it was a stupid idea, or that friends wouldn’t stick around. Funny, it sounds so silly when I spell it out.
2. My husband has 2 kids, and quite honestly, especially this year, I feel like I’ve got them as well. Why would he want to start over with me? I mean he says he does, but for YEARS (literally for years) I denied my true feelings about having kids because I thought it would scare him away.
The truth is I want to be a mother.
My hubby and I have been getting acupuncture every week for months to help with fertility. My cycle has always been super long, and it really hasn’t changed at all since I’ve started this. Last week the acupuncturist mentioned she could tell I’ve got a lot of emotions that need to be released and she suggested doing some writing and FEELING. I am very familiar with Morning Pages. I did Artists Way 3-4 times and it was so incredible for me, so I thought why not, I can start those again. I gotta tell you though, at first even thinking about writing my thoughts down on paper, no matter what they were was giving me so much anxiety. I don’t know, I guess I was afraid of what I would find. But I started them anyway. Suddenly I am in a place of digging deeper into my psyche than I have in awhile. I am making all these connections and hidden realizations again! Ha!
I feel 1000 times more connected to myself than I have been in a long, long time.
This has been extremely helpful.
A couple of days ago during a writing sess, I realized something. I’ve been so drained, so emotionally trashed from running here and there, recalling our lists, contacting the kids mom, driving Brian, having parent convo’s, working things out with teachers, having more issues with him, etc. I realized that all of this, this parenting stuff could be the very thing that is preventing my body from figuring out my cycle. It’s like I don’t have the space to bring a new baby into the world.
There isn’t enough of ME to do it.
After talking to the acupuncturist yesterday, she confirmed it. She said that my body probably feels like I am already a mother, so why would it need to be more of one? It was a really sad realization. I am giving so much of myself, and yet, in this situation there is NO boundaries with my limit, or my role. It’s just this free for all that I keep jumping into over and over again. Maybe all of this needed to happen so I could see the truth of the situation. I know I have the power to change it, I do. I can make any changes I need, because I am not going to allow whatever outside forces there are to stop me from getting what it is that I want
FOR MY LIFE.
It’s hard because when I’m around these kids, I love them, I want to show up the best that I can. Especially because their MOTHER can’t mother, she can’t show emotions, or empathize so I’m automatically without even thinking, taking it all on. Unfortunately, no matter how much I do for them, and love them and try to give them what I think they are missing out on, it’s not enough. Though I think they appreciate it, the truth is, they want their MOM to give it. They will always want their mom to give those things.
So how can I be there, but not be so emotionally drained by all of it? I don’t want to disconnect. I don’t want to be uninterested. That’s not who I am, but how do I take care of ME at the same time preserving my emotional balance?
I would love any advice from someone that has gone through a similar situation. My acupuncturist said it’s very common for women that are taking on families like this to struggle with having their own kid. Please send any helpful info my way. I know there is a better way to balance things. I would love to hear any thoughts!
Sending you all love and light…
If I were to ask myself, ‘what is something I love about who I am?’ I would have to say my passion. Sometimes it gets me in trouble, sometimes I come across as too loud or too firm or too whatever. But the way it pulses through me, igniting me, I would experience life no other way.
It is who I am to the core.
Life for me without the unhinging, tear jerking, screeching, belly laughingly intense passion would be far far less exciting.
In this piece I thought about what happens inside my body when I get an idea. When my blood is pulsing, my heart is pounding and I can see so clearly what I believe, what I want, and what I am creating.
This is my soul on fire.
Sunshine and Cerulean 