Breathe It Out

Everyone has stress in their lives, no matter who they are. Some stress can be helpful buzzy excited stress that keeps us moving from appointment to experience to family to growth. But lately I’ve had the kind of stress that is unfortunately thick anxiety. It’s like a heavy cloud of nerves rumbling and shaking over my head, in between my shoulder blades, around my fingers. It’s been swirling around my eyes and filled my head with jitters and sheer exhaustion. This has been so so so stressful.

What is the line between helpful stress and horrible anxiety?

I know everyone gets stressed. I know LIFE can be stressful no matter what is going on. But what I am in the process of figuring out is HOW I can show up, be present, feel the fear, and then allow myself to let it go so I can FUNCTION like a human.

How do other people do it?

I mean I meditate.
I breathe deeply.
I take walks.
But lately this anxiety has surpassed all of that.

I’ve been remembering that I am in charge of my thoughts. I don’t NEED to be a victim to the chatter in my brain. Who says it’s the truth? Who says I need to listen to it. I guess that’s the helpful part of doing this writing. I have the opportunity to pour it out instead of letting it scald my insides.

I think if I look inside the anxiety, it’s not just the shell of ‘stress’ that is causing me to feel this way. Inside at the core, is shame. It’s this dread that maybe I’m not enough, not capable, not worthy. That something inside isn’t quite right.

It’s funny, LOGICALLY I know that none of that is true, I really do. I know that I am moving in the right direction, I know I am here for many reasons, I know I am enough. So is it just the human condition that we question those things?  Are these deep rooted fears that ALL humans have? Are they old childhood fears that just poke their head up every now and then? I don’t know, but it’s so fascinating.

What I do know is that the concept of SHAME isn’t felt with just me. I know I am not alone with it. But is it a societal experience? Or from our families? It’s like, just because things aren’t going super smooth or maybe our bodies aren’t doing exactly what we would want, why do we have SHAME around it? Why do we feel oh no what is WRONG with me?

I must be:
Different
Bad
Wrong

In reality we ALL have stuff to work on, work through, work around. All of us. And I know that. I know I’m not the only one.

This is really helpful to write through. Remembering that we are all on this journey together and no matter what it is, we do experience similar feelings of stress, isolation, loneliness, sadness, exhaustion, shame.

We are far more alike than different. 

I think if I remember that, if I sit in that, the shame starts to diminish and the stress feels like it’s lessening.

I can take more walks, I can allow space for meditation and writing and be EASIER with myself. I can do that.

I am doing the best I can. My body deserves ease. I can live my life with more ease and trust.

What are ways that you ease anxiety?

From victim to straight up powerhouse

Whatever we need will be brought to us.
Whatever we are ready to learn, we will hear.

I woke up this morning with a strong realization that I have been a victim. I don’t mean the victim that has gotten her purse stolen or had some creepy dude yell something out from across the street.

I mean like a life victim. It’s funny because I know people that are total victims and I can smell them a mile away. The complaints and the whines can drive me insane and I’ve figured that I am so much different. I am so much more evolved.

And then I woke up seeing the truth.

My inner voice: Ah shit. (feeling like a slap in the face) I’m a victim.

I’ll admit, sometimes I feel like I can’t do it, can’t figure it out, can’t make it through, feel stuck. It’s a thick mucusy sensation like bobbing in the middle of the ocean without a life preserver.  And the thing that’s funny/sad is that I didn’t even REALIZE it. I mean I had mild sprinkling doses of it, but I didn’t REALIZE that my LIFE has been splattered with it. Wow. How did this even happen???

So I’d give off this ‘poor me’ vibe, which we all know is ultra sexy, and my truly sexy hubby would come running.

He tried to help by offering to do more, but I wouldn’t feel better, I’d only feel more pathetic.

He’s amazingly caring and warm and ready to do anything and everything to make life better and easier. For everyone, especially me.

But this morning when I got up at 4:25 am, I heard this:
 I am so capable. I don’t need to be saved.

It’s hard with men sometimes. We tell them we don’t need them to FIX IT.

If we have a great listener for a man (like I do), they ask what we need and do their best to EMPATHIZE instead. ‘Oh, that’s got to be really hard.’ But it doesn’t sound RIGHT. In fact, when my would do it, I almost wanted to laugh because the inflection was all wrong. The words came out awkwardly like a bad movie line. Do you know why it doesn’t sound right? Because they are MEN! They are supposed to FIX things! My man is a brilliant idea guy with millions of fresh ideas lined up for everything under the sun. Why would I want to squash those ideas and force him to say things that only girlfriends can get away with? ahhahaha

So back to my realizations… The ‘victim victim victim’ words rang out in my head as clear as day, because I am now ready to hear them.

So I ask you, blog world… Have you checked in lately to how you’re showing up? Even in the dark moldy pockets where it’s super freaky? This is not easy to admit to myself or anyone for that matter, but I must say being able to speak (and now write) openly takes the power away. I don’t need to be ashamed, I can just make the change.

I know what it feels like to be empowered. To know I’m in charge of my life and that I can handle anything that comes my way. I’m recognizing that the slap of seeing the truth only hurts for a bit. I can decide to do things differently and I am so so so grateful for that.

I feel free already. Yay! I am Jackie making my decisions and livin my life. Ha!

 

 

 

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