I guess I am on the right track…
Thank Gawd for this
New Leaf New Life
Over the past year I’ve written plenty of posts about stepmomming and not knowing my role, blah blah blah. I know, it’s a super uncreative heavy topic. But it’s been a huge part of my life for a long time. Every time I’ve started to feel like I’m IN CONTROL finally of the situation, something else happens and I feel back where I started.
There’s been the whole feeling that:
- I need to do everything. It’s my job to teach them everything their mom can’t/won’t.
- They have a mom, so what exactly is my role??????????????????????? Even though they are at OUR house quite often, and even though I’ve been in their lives for 6 years.
- I feel like a failure. The kids have developed habits and beliefs that I don’t think are healthy. I SHOULD have influenced them enough to where they are on the right track. (Obviously MY WAY is the right track. I know.I can see what’s happening as I write this all out.)
Ugh. Can I just say a big fat UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH right now? None of these top 3 things feel good at all to me. In fact they make me feel pretty shitty about myself and my situation.
Believe it or not, I WANT to be in a place of joy and ease.
I love them, and the more that I run around teaching, I am realizing that the absolute most important thing I can do is help them to know/feel that they are loved just as they are.
It won’t matter if I mention to them over and over again to eat vegetables, or to have compassion for others, or to remind them to be polite, or ways they can make friends. What will they really remember by the time they are adults?? The reality is, they will learn what they need to learn REGARDLESS of me constantly making
EVERY MOMENT A FREAKIN’ TEACHING MOMENT.
As I write that I’m realizing how crappy that sounds. Double ugh.
So… new plan.
I will love them.
My intention now, is to love them fully as they are. Which means:
I will ask questions genuinely and listen and remember.
I will play with them.
I will notice parts of them that I admire.
I will tell them what I love about them.
I will ask them to help out, because I need the help. Not because I feel I need to teach them to help.
I will be present in the moment with them and have fun.
I will show up for them, because I want to, not because their mother may not.
I will still be clear about boundaries in our house.
I will laugh with them. Not to teach them to laugh, but because I like to laugh.
I’ve been in this better place for the past couple weeks. Meeting them where they are, and not feeling so much yucky pressure to FIX THINGS. It definitely takes practice. I can feel my stomach tying in knots still when I see or hear something I don’t love. But I’m getting better at saying to myself ‘It’s fine Jackie, just love her.’ And then my voice is full of love and my eyes are full of love. And then I feel good. I want them to know without a doubt how much they are loved for just being them.
Almost Finished
In the doodling spirit, here is another piece that is just about done. I am in absolute bliss adding color to my silly doodles. Ahhhh
Divine Time
Wow…. It’s already Thursday, the days are buzzing and the weeks are almost a blur. It’s amazing to me that I still manage to learn lessons everyday when everything feels like it’s moving so incredibly fast.
It’s funny…. the older I get, the more I see how precious time is and yet how much of it I have to spare. Let me explain…. I used to have a VERY unhealthy relationship with time. (I’m sure I’ve mentioned this in many a posts…) My fear of RUNNING OUT OF TIME drove my decisions, and left me in plenty o places of anxiety and never feeling like I was:
A. Doing enough
B. Being enough
C. Enough Enough
Also, I was an expert waster o time. Because of my fear of LOSING IT, or having it SLIP DOWN THE DRAIN, sometimes I would distract myself and get lost in some sort of bullshit Facebook trap or mindless dawdling. I’m sure I’m not the only one. So as my schedule has gotten a bit more cra cra (driving my stepson to and from school and being in the car 3+ hours a day), I have finally (FINALLY) recognized how absolutely PRECIOUS time is. This learning has caused me to waste less of it, and get down to business with things I WANT TO ACHIEVE IN MY LIFE.
Funny how having a busier schedule can make us chop chop a little more with things that matter. It’s all priorities people.
So for 2018, I have vowed to have a healthier relationship with TIME. I am really aware of HOW and WHEN it is not being spent the way I want.
I guess that has led me to girlfriends.
Isn’t it funny how there are some people in our lives that we are willing to MOVE our busy schedule around for, and there are others that… we just aren’t…..
I’m starting to look at all of that, even if I feel bad admitting it to myself. And you. But sometimes I find myself even saying in my head, ‘Jackie, you SHOULD see so and so or you SHOULD call so and so, I’m sure it’ll be fine.’
But the thing is,.. I don’t want fine.
Fine is having a line at the grocery store.
Fine is sitting in a meeting that went a little too long.
Since I know now that time is precious. I want to use it in a way that leaves me feeling:
Inspired
Seen
Empowered
Joyful.
I have been extremely selective with who I’ve spent time with in the past month, and I like it. I like being so over the moon excited to see someone that enriches my life so much, that I know I will walk away feeling more at peace and in a greater place of connection.
If the relationship/connection/communication is just FINE, well,.. maybe it’s just not worth my time.
Bottom line, I love Jackie time so so so much. I don’t need to spend my time with someone unless they ADD to what I already have. I think I’ve needed to write this out so I can remember to check in with myself about everything.
My time is the most valuable thing I have and I am not going to give it away.
Picasso
Love this, and it’s so true. I guess that’s what our job is as an artist. Have an idea, and allow it to take it’s own shape and become what it is here to become….
Clear That Space, Woman
Geez, a New Year is here! Ahhhh! Isn’t it amazing to start a fresh chapter? I know I keep mentioning it but I still can’t get over it. The luster is hopefully going to last far into the year for me because it’s keeping me going.
I’ve been doing a lot of checking in with myself these past couple of weeks. I didn’t like how I was starting to feel pretty regularly by the end of the year last year. Sort of tired, and put upon, and constantly feeling like TIME IS RUNNING OUT,.. you know, all of that. None of which makes me feel
EMPOWERED or
PASSIONATE or
CREATIVE or
ALIVE.
So I knew I needed to make a change.
One of the adjustments I am making is HOW I can take care of myself better.
Now, I know better than anyone that I require a lot to feel my best.
I need:
To do feelings meditations super regularly, and deep breathing, and go to bed early, and make art, and cry, and see friends, and connect with my hubby, and eat protein often, and write, and exercise until I am covered in sweat, and take baths, and visualize solar light, and wake up at 4am, and speak my truth, and have conversations with depth, and I am sure there is plenty more.
I’m pretty good at all of these, but one area I’ve been struggling with is creating spaces that feel good to me. Spending time figuring out how to make spaces clutter free, or warm, or full of love so I feel good in them.
I realized this with my sacred meditation space. I’ve appointed a small walk in closet as my meditation room, but have allowed it to fill up with junk (probably just like my mind), and haven’t bothered to fix it up. Every morning I trip over a bunch of crap in order to close my eyes and attempt to meditate.
How ironic is that?
After New Years it dawned on me that IT’S UP TO ME to create the space exactly the way I want it. And really, if I have it at all, why not make it feel good? Isn’t that the point?
Again, WHY DO WE MAKE LIFE HARDER THAN IT NEEDS TO BE?
Ah! So I am in the process of creating my meditation space so I feel clear and vibrant and at peace when I am in it. Yesssssssssss! And THAT FEELS like I am taking care of me!
I will show pics when it’s done!
xo
New Life
Here’s the reality,… I am starting to own more of WHO I am. All of me: the parts that are uncomfortable being seen, the moments where I want to cry but I don’t know why, the pieces that feel super insecure and awkward, the times when I get a sliver of knowing why I am here and WHAT I have to offer…. all of it. This is one demonstration of it: I sat down with colors in my right hand, and a buzzing alert black pen in my left. This is usually when I stifle myself. This is usually when I feel stupid and childlike and don’t see myself as anything else,… but this time I let myself create. I let myself be who I am naturally, without once pausing to see if it it was okay or right or enough. I just let color and lines and life and flow pour out of me, and I wanted to cry.
Why Why do we make life so much harder than we need to?
This is me fully and completely, naturally. Without wishing I was more or more subtle or different. This is me in all my loud passion and my delicious quiet. This is me weeping with colors and dancing with rhythms. This is the part of me that always seemed wrong or bad, and still took up space, even when I wish it hadn’t.
This is what is real.
This is me.
Work It
Happy Friday!
I mentioned in 2017 how difficult it was for me to LEARN the tools necessary to get where I want to get.
For years I think I’ve had it in my brain that certain pieces of life that take TENACITY and FOLLOW THROUGH will just get easier, and I will be skipping my way down the lane without a care in the world. I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to realize that this isn’t the way life works.
We. Have. To. Work. For. What. We. Want.
Wow. Brain exploding right now.
Now it’s not that I am lazy. I am the opposite in many ways. I have a buzzing brain that is constantly dreaming up amazing ideas, and I am getting things done all the time.
But usually they are only things I enjoy doing. ahahah
One of my GOALS is to be able to sell prints of my artwork (if I choose), and to have a simple, easy to follow website. Wellllll as you can see, the only way I am going to have either of these in my life is to learn some things that I MIGHT NOT LOVE.
Dun Dun Dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!
It was a tough concept for me to wrap my brain around last year. Partly, I realized during our New Years self exploration week, is that I’ve had a really unhealthy relationship with TIME. I always felt like time was running out, time was disappearing, time was dissolving! With that belief, I never wanted to be stuck doing something that didn’t bring me joy. So instead of sticking with learning something new (like putting together a website I really enjoy),
I would just stick to making art.
I have a really good girlfriend who is also an artist. She told me that she views working on her website just as an extension of her art. Though I love that concept, I hadn’t been able to grasp that idea for myself.
So I fought against it.
I wanted to complain and feel annoyed and irritated that I NEED to take the time to LEARN SOMETHING LIKE THAT. Rrrrrr…
After I realized that time only runs out quickly IF we believe that to be true, everything else has started to shift. I can say that as I sit here learning an online Photoshop class, and genuinely enjoying it. Ha! I am learning! I can understand it and I can see how it will help me get where I want to be. Yessss!
Finally, now I can see the joy in all of it. Time isn’t running out, I have plenty of it, and it’s my job to get where I want to. I can do this. Even if I am tired and long to sit and paint or draw, I can do this first. I can make learning a priority.
Me Being Me
Wow. My head is literally bursting with so many ideas of new things I want to create and try and experiment with, and FEEL! I am jotting down notes and sketches constantly but am having trouble keeping up!
Though I am consistently inspired by life and everything in it, I sometimes forget that what I create naturally, without even thinking, IS my true nature, and IT. IS. ENOUGH. I AM ENOUGH.
It seems like the human condition is the fear that we aren’t enough exactly as who we are. This inner belief that life SHOULD be a struggle, life SHOULD be hard, and if it’s not, well, then… we are just LAZY.
This is how I have felt about art (among everything else in my life). If I wasn’t IN PAIN while working, and so confused and anguished about the project, I would discount it. That’s why a lot of my work wasn’t ‘my work,’ it was stupid little mindless doodles that I couldn’t stop. I convinced myself to feel ashamed that I NEEDED to draw, to create. And that because I feel relaxed and full of joy when the pen takes over and my head stops thinking, that must mean… I AM LAZY and my creations are a waste of time.
So I am starting out this year, aware of my past beliefs related to struggle and ease. I’m going to allow myself to be in utter bliss creating what naturally comes from me, where I don’t think at all about the outcome. I am going to do it without judgement. Maybe this is art as well…. Me being me, just like it is for you to be fully and truthfully and unswayingly YOU.
Fresh New Year 2018
Ahhhh! There are few things I love more than starting a fresh new, blank chapter. An unlined, crisp, white papered chapter just gleaming with morning dew and ready for me to dip my brush in it.
Ah!
That being said,…wow. Can you believe it’s 2018???! What a crazy year full of learning and growing and the absolute unexpected last year was. Ha! I am grateful for the trials and tears and growth but I must say, I am so so so ready to start this new year. Last year proved to be far more difficult and immerse than I would have ever guessed. But I have the power to figure out why and make the changes necessary for this year.
Every New Years, my hubby and I rent a cabin in Idyllwild for 4 days and work through everything from the year prior and bring what we want into the fresh new year. We create lists of all we experienced, the learning from it, old beliefs that no longer serve us, and anything else that needs to be healed. We talk and cry and discuss for hours. Then the magic begins… We spend the next half of our visit creating the year the way WE WANT IT.
What feelings do we want to experience?
What new experiences do we want to have?
What are the intentions we have for this new year?
I have learned that if we create everyday with INTENTION, we get closer to what it is we really want.
My favorite realization over this New Years visit was that our habits, priorities and intentions need to be aligned in order for us to create the life we want. If one of those is off, life becomes a lot harder and usually we end up not where we want. Ah!
I am so ready for this year, and so ready to dive in to the unknown, even when it’s not always fun or easy. My intentions will guide the way, and part of that is writing more frequently on this blog. Yesss.
I am sending everyone lots of love and light…., and I hope that you’re all ready to move full force into this new year as well!
xo Jax
Sunshine and Cerulean 