Creating a Life I love Through Art
I’ve been leafing through my art journal for inspiration for painting this gaga pit. Here are a couple of ideas that I’m going to springboard off of for the project. I love to draw with tiny black pens, but I’ll be PAINTING instead. Not just painting, but LARGE AND IN CHARGE PAINTING. Can I do it? Hmmmm Actually having some ideas helps me wrap my head around the project.
Yes, I can do this. Breathe Jackie.
I attempted this piece awhile back. It’s sort of like what I have in my art journal, but for some reason feels really expected and not very exciting. I’m going to keep working on it though and adding a different feeling to it. It’s funny how sometimes being inspired by an earlier silly doodle doesn’t always lead to a piece looking the way I want it. Maybe it’s because of the effortless flow from art journal versus actually attempting to CREATE SOMETHING. Hmmm
But after reading Big Magic for the 3rd time, I’m reminding myself that my work doesn’t need to be PERFECT or even AMAZING. I do, however, need to get it FINISHED. So it will get finished no matter what!
I’m back! The hubby and I took a little vacation to Ohio while the kids have been gone. It was so wonderful to see a part of the US that we hadn’t discovered. Ah! We went to Cedar Point and rode roller coasters until I thought we were both going to puke. hahahha And it made me realize one of the (many many) reasons I love him so much.
He shows me how to play.
We were at an amusement park for 8 hours by ourselves! We laughed and teased and kissed and played and ate french fries. When we were leaving with a flip flopped stomach, I felt myself wanting to cry. I never knew how to play before I met him. Never. Life was a constant tiring cycle of not feeling like I was DOING ENOUGH. I would NEVER have gone to an amusement park and spent MONEY just to play.
Isn’t this kind of thing CARELESS? RECKLESS? Not being an adult?
Maybe life is supposed to be…. fun. Maybe that’s just not what we were taught, but maybe it’s actually supposed to be a LOT OF FUN.
Anyway, I’m back home with a new appreciation for my man, and my life, and a new desire to wrap my arms around everything that is FUN and PLAY and smother my face into it. Engage in it! Be present with the laughing and the smiles and the fluttering hearts.
What if life is supposed to feel good?
This morning, in the quiet, dark morning, I was drawing in my art journal and reflecting on this past week. The kids are off in Europe with their mother for a summer vacation, and you’d think I’ve had a lot of art time. But it’s been a busy week full of lots of errands, and some family time. Parts have been fulfilling experiences and others that are just,.. you know,.. necessary.
Anyway. As I was allowing my mind to relax, I realized that I feel a bit uncomfortable. I’m feeling a bit muddled right now. Starting a new piece but not sure where it’s headed or what to do next. There’s been this gnawing anxiety inside as I work out what to do and how and if it’s even going to work.
I’m not feeling like an ARTIST.
I hate to admit that but it’s true. I feel like a fake. I feel disconnected from whatever I thought I was and it feels yucky.
In that moment I jotted down some notes for myself.
Why is it that I only feel like an artist when I have the answers?
Because when I think about it, being an artist isn’t HAVING the answers, it’s relishing the questions. And I’ve known this, I’ve felt it in my body before. But intellectually it’s UNCOMFORTABLE to be in a murky place, am I right? In a place where I’m feeling a bit tired and listless. But am I only an artist when I’m bursting into flames of passion and frothing at the mouth with excitement? Does being an artist really come and go just as quickly as my emotions?
No! It can’t! What if all of this is being an artist. All of it. Regardless of if I am in a buzzing bursting swirling place of joy or if I’m cloudy and unsure. I’m still a creator, I’m still searching and open and moving forward.
So this was a good reminder to have faith. Faith that there is always an ebb and flow to everything, and creating is just another part of existing. So have faith. I know I can do things to foster my creativity better than I have been.
Maybe it’s okay to sometimes feel lost. To sometimes not feel all that we truly are. Maybe those are the moments when we get to learn more about ourselves, and our strength then we ever knew possible.
One of the things I know I need no matter what,
is to create.
If I’m feeling full of joy, I still long to make things. If I’m having a hard time, there is almost nothing I want to do more than sit down with a cup of tea and get lost in a doodle or drawing.
It’s funny, the more that I’m serious about FINISHING pieces, the more I’m craving to curl up and play with my art journal. The place that doesn’t need to look ‘done’ ever. Because it never is.
Here’s something I’ve been working on the last couple of days. Ahhhhh I could do it all day long!
Love this quote and this fierce powerful artist! Ahhhh! Her words shoot right through my soul!
Today is my official ‘Remain Curious’ day.
For New Years 4 months ago, my official word for the year was ‘Curious.’ I had dedicated it to just. being. curious. It’s okay to get excited about NEW ADVENTURES and EXCITING CHANGE and become PASSIONATE and ALIVE! But! It doesn’t need to be the end all. I can just be curious, check it out. Leaving the f**kin pressure behind!
It’s easy for me to get a little off track as the months roll by, so this morning I’m bringing myself back.
Instead of stressing out and feeling shame and blame and lots of have to’s, I’m going to remain curious,… with everything.
What is it I’m feeling?
Could I try out that new idea and see where it leads? It’s okay if it doesn’t work, but it might be fun!
What do I need?
What is my heart saying?
There is no have to, there is no SHOULD. I’m just allowing curiosity to move through my body. And it feels like such an easier way to live! Ha! I’ve made my life way harder than it needed to be.
And so, to all of you out there,.. I’m sending you all lots of love and hoping that you too are discovering little life hacks of your own, that make your life MORE FUN, MORE RELAXING, MORE DELIGHTFUL in every way.
xo
As I find myself, I find my tribe.
It’s funny, I’m looking back through my life, and at certain times I thought I’d found MY TRIBE that would last a lifetime. Maybe I had. Maybe the ‘lifetime’ just ended before my life did.
It seems like people have this fascination with having great friends for a long period of time. However, if we are all ever evolving there is a very good chance that two people do not change at the same time.
Or even in remotely the same way.
Maybe our TRIBE is always shifting.
Even a year ago, I thought I had MY TRIBE. My lifetime tribe. I never would have guessed in a thousand years that my friendship base would have changed so much in just a year. I had some close girlfriends in my life that I’ve known for a really, really long time, through so many breakups and breakdowns and breakthroughs. We knew pretty much everything about each other. It’s hard to believe that only 9 months later we don’t even talk.
Sure I was sad for awhile, very sad and hurt when I felt that the relationship was changing.
Then I realized something.
What if we were in each other’s lives when we needed it?
But what if the relationship doesn’t make sense anymore because we’ve learned what we needed to learn?
Is that so bad?
I’m really not angry about this. I am who I am right now because they were in my life. Because I had someone to share my pain with, my joys with, my fears, and my love, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. In so many ways they taught me what friendship was, in the capacity that I could experience it.
I send them love almost everyday, and though we will probably never be close again, I am not angry. I am grateful. I am also astounded by the constant evolution of life. The constant movement that we could never expect.
So as my current tribe is being created, I’m fully aware of who I am bringing closer and why. In the past, maybe I was drawn to people for a variety of reasons unknown.
But that is not who I am anymore.
I know exactly what I am seeking and attracted to. I know what I want more of, and what feels good. My tribe is exactly what I need now in my life.
I guess I feel a little nostalgic for my dear old friends right now. I’m sending so much love to all those wonderful people that I loved and cherished throughout the years. Thank you for all the friendship and tears and I hope you find everything your heart wants.
I hope you are surrounded in the tribe that your soul needs.
Sunshine and Cerulean 