Handled It

Every New Year, Andy and I choose a word that will inspiring us in the upcoming months, a word that represents what we want to work on. For this year, I chose truth. I’ve known that even thought I’m way better at speaking my truth than I used to be, I still have some work to do. I gotta tell you, even putting that word out into the Universe has brought me face to face with needing to speak it plenty in the past months.

Pretty much everyone in my life I can pretty much speak my truth to. I can be kind and honest and it feels so great to live in that space.

However, there has been one person that I haven’t been able to do it with. One person that I have constantly found myself avoiding saying what needs to be said and ending up doing way more than my share. It’s funny, I built this person up to be larger than just a normal human. I couldn’t imagine speaking all the truth that has been boiling under the surface.

I had realized something a few years back. This wasn’t about her. It was never about her. She’s just a human doing the best she can with what she knows. But for me she represented so much more. Behind her eyes was every situation from way way back where I couldn’t say no. It was every moment where I had smiled through my pain, biting my tongue to stop the tears, and then said ‘sure,’ or ‘I’m fine,’ or ‘what else can I do to help,’ when I wished I could say ‘no more please,’ or  ‘please stop,’ or ‘I can’t do this,’ or just ‘NO.’

 

But yesterday everything changed. It was one of those brilliant moments that show up in our lives when suddenly everything clicks. It was like I knew without a doubt that things needed to shift, and I was ready. Even thought I was scared to speak up, there wasn’t an ounce of uncertainty about what I was saying. I knew in my blood that I had every right to say what I needed to say.

And so, I did.

She stopped talking long enough for me to speak and hearing my voice was shocking.

I thought I would be shaky and awkward and have trouble making eye contact.

But I didn’t.

I was solid.
I was firm.
I was passionate and alive and it felt as if I had just burst at the seams with all my truth.

 

But I was also kind. I wasn’t lashing out. I was empowered.
And I said NO.

It’s funny, it was fine. The moments passed, the day moved on. Nothing exploded. Nothing struck me down with a golden rode. It was fine.

But I walked away far better than fine.

I honestly believe in that moment my life completely changed. It was as if the energy from the past began healing instantaneously with these energetic explosions, and me walking away like a fucking powerhouse.

Wow. I can speak up. I can make eye contact. I can say no.
And the best part is, I can do it all with so much compassion and love.

Passion!

Here’s to the bursting buzzing excitement that is stored in all of us. The giddy deliciousness that bubbles over into explosive gasping pieces of joy like confetti in a windstorm.

Here’s to the fire pulsing at the bottom of our guts vibrating, moving, seething,.. ready to boil over.
And the hot sticky tears, overwhelmed with laughter!

Ahhhh!! Passion!

 

 

I Am

I assisted in this incredible course over the weekend that has changed my life. Every time I do it, every time I’m spending my days surrounded with such strength and love, it changes me in huge ways.

One of the things that we did during the weekend was create I AM statements. I’d done them before, but it’s always a good reminder to keep them up.

The bottom line is this: Whatever we are or are not is our decision, not anyone else’s. So if we want to be seen a certain way, we can be, if we want to feel a certain way, we can. I used to think ‘I’m just not a confident person,’ or ‘I can’t stand up for myself, I wasn’t born that way.’ I can see now, that that is not a belief I want to continue. I can BE whatever I want to BE.

Anyway, here’s how to create these amazing I AM statements:

  • Pick 3 (or so) qualities you know you already have. Then pick 2 or 3 qualities that you’d like to bring into light more, or develop.
  • I prefer to mix them up in any order.

Here is my current list:

I am vibrant
I am confident
I am authentic
I am nurturing
I am trusting
I am passionate

This fresh list I will say out loud 100 times a day. Whenever I’ve gotten into the groove of doing my I AM messages, I feel myself growing and changing right before my eyes. Creating a new list every 2-3 months keeps me constantly becoming a better version of myself.

I use this as just another tool to keep myself feeling good as long as possible. Without tools, it’s so easy for me to feel unsupported and anxious. Ugh! I’d rather feel empowered and focused and full of joy.

Anyway, it’s a fun little game that will instantly bring a feeling of peace and yummy goodness. Try it if you’d like! If you do, I’d love to see how they go!

Have a wonderful Monday! xo

 

Where’s the PASSION

I was talking to my hubby this morning. We have both been in the middle of an emotional upheaval and have felt so drained. I was telling him that lately I’ve just felt so tired, just longing to be back in bed, curled up.

I really dislike this feeling. Now I know when life is emotionally and mentally exhausting, it’s important to sleep. I got it. But I’ve had ENOUGH of that.

What I’ve realized about myself, is that if I’m not in a place of passion, I tend to get tired more quickly.

When I’m MAKING ART, and WRITING BLOGS and bubbling over with enthusiasm, I don’t need so much sleep. I jump out of bed at 4:30am, buzzing to create. My day is full of visions of what to make next, or the waves of paint swelling on my paper. I spend my time relishing what I’m grateful for and knowing that life is bringing me what is best for me. I am kind, I am fun, I am playful and silly and feel beautiful.

It’s not MORE sleep that I need, it’s taking a huge messy bite out of PASSION. Ah!

How can I get back to passion when I’ve been handling life stuff for so many days?

  1. Name off what I am grateful for. Set alarms if I need to.
  2. Meditate more often than I think necessary.
  3. Draw everything
  4. Release emotions (I work best if I cry at least every other day)
  5. Start something new
  6. Get my paints ready, and work on one of my pieces. Everything else can wait!
  7. Dump paint into my art journal and PLAY! The less thinking the better.

 

BURN

Finally the rain has stopped! The sun is already shining and all I want to do is be outside. I think I’m going to take my paper and pens and draw OUT THERE. I’ve been dying for Vitamin D.

I was working on this new thing yesterday, and I have no idea how it’ll turn out. I think the NOT KNOWING is what used to cause me a lot of anxiety before. That’s probably why I just drew in my art journal so I wouldn’t have to feel the feelings of heading in the wrong direction or making a mistake. Oh the pain of

MAKING A MISTAKE.

 

But now for some reason, I’m enjoying the newness, the curiosity!

Oh! And I’ve realized something.

In order for us (all of us) to make work. Probably any kind of work, we can’t see it as precious. We can’t see it as the best thing we have ever done and that it must be regarded with extreme care and tip toed around.

We have to be willing to take risks, and listen to those hits of intuition. If what we make is TOO SPECIAL and PRECIOUS it causes us to be TOO scared we will mess it up.

If we see everything as just play and curiosity, and we know we are constantly evolving our work, our life, then it’s not PRECIOUS, never to be recreated achievements,.. it’s just mirrors of our creativity that we allow to fall where they may.

Just another rant from me.

I’m going to make some very NON-precious work. ha!

 

Okay you do it, thank you!

Helloooooo Monday! Oh my gosh you should see the RAIN! It seriously won’t stop. I feel both amazing and a little like I’m over it. We usually get like 4 days a year of this kind of thing, but this year the rain HAS. NOT. STOPPED. It’s almost like we live in the Midwest or something. Sheesh!

Okay so I was in the studio this morning, after having made the decision to CUT into my humongous 140 lb. hot press watercolor paper. Yes, now is the time. It’s glorious thick paper, and I want to use it!

Anyway.  I was sitting out there on my hands and knees with my X-acto knife and my pencil and trying to measure this 6 foot paper with a t-square (which is a horrible idea on the ground, aka doesn’t work). And I realized something.

20170227_110310.jpg

I hate cutting.

I do. I mean I really hate it. I don’t ever get it straight. I hardly understand rulers to begin with.

I start sweating.

I get annoyed.

I just want it to be over. Ahhhahasdolrihaeksfv nalkdergn!!!!!!

This. Is. So. Stressful!!!!!!

 

Then I suddenly thought,’I WONDER IF SOMEONE CAN DO THIS FOR ME??’

Whhhhhat!!? It’s like the heavens opened up

I used to ALWAYS think I need to do everything on my own, but not anymore! If we are all geniuses at something, why not use other people’s genius to get us where we wanna be, right?

So here’s the deal, I’m taking my big ass role of expensive paper over to Fed EX, and THEY are cutting it for me!

Ha!! This is the best decision I’ve made this year.

Now I can get back to making art. Yesssss!

 

Introducing.. the art journal

Hello again!

I hope everyone is having a wonderful Thursday. The sun is finally shining out here. Oh my gosh there has been so much rain, it lovingly looks like Ireland outside. So plush! So deep! So clear! But to be honest, I’m really craving the good ol’ fashioned hot weather I’m used to here in North County San Diego.

I’m feeling a little bit under the weather today. I knew I wanted to get this blog post up early this am, but not feeling amazing, and also having the kids over last night proved to be a little more maneuvering than I had hoped. I don’t know how you full time parents do it. I may have the best schedule set up in the world, but if the kids are here, it’s so much harder to stick to it. 🙂

Anyway.

I did think ‘Oh maybe I can just miss today blogging,’ or do it later in the afternoon. But I know that it’s not going to become a habit if I don’t make it a priority. So. There you go. Real life working shit out. Ha!

I’m in an interesting place with art today.

First of all, I’m so so so so so utterly grateful that I get to CREATE everyday, that my husband values me doing what I want and need, and he’s seriously my biggest cheerleader.

Second of all, I have ideas bursting out of me every couple of hours. I get this ‘Aha!!!’ moment and I see something new in my head. It’s very exciting, and invigorating.

The part that’s interesting is I haven’t made much finished work lately. I feel like I’m learning all over again how to do that. I’ve carried my art journals around for years with me even during the time that I was trying NOT to be an artist. I need them, I instantly feel more myself doodling and drawing and painting. This is where I also jot down shopping lists, write my innermost feelings, or slap paint through the pages as a release when I’m too emotional to breathe. I love creating, and the best part is:

I don’t even think about how it’ll look when it’s finished. Nothing is ever finished! It’s always been this ever evolving purge of juicy passionate creation.

Okay.

So now, I’m here in my life to make actual work, and I’m figuring that out. ahhahah It’s kind of an interesting experience. I am pivoting to use my art journal along with everyday purging to try out all these ideas!What I’ve realized, is that so far in many ways, I’m much more tenuous with my precious blank piece of paper or canvas then I am with my messy art journal. I mean it makes sense. It’s not what I am used to. But I really love the organic explosion of what I’ve done hidden away in my books. So I’m learning how to bring that sense of play into actual pieces. I’m excited about this! I can do this, it make take an adjustment, but part of it is probably just trusting that I can create. That I am an artist and I can create on art journal paper, or canvas, or thick delicious watercolor paper. Whatever mediums I choose to use, I can use.

Art journals will always be my special release. Anyone ever used one? They have really helped me embrace play, and not be so afraid of mistakes. Here is a picture of one of my art journal pages. I have over 10 full journals. Each one I’ve used for about a year. They spell out a good chunk of my life.

Where in your life do you get to be your messy passionate self? I’d love to hear your stories!

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