Biscuits and Trout

I was just out on a beautiful long hike with a good friend of mine. I love the mixture of deep talks and nature, there’s sort of nothing like it.

Anyway, she has recently gotten her real estate license for California and I was asking her what the PLANS ARE.

I love what she said!! She started with, “I’m really checking in with myself every day to feel where I am and where I’d like to be. I’m heading in one direction, but who knows, I may end up heading in a different direction. But I’m going to move where my heart feels it should go.”

I love this for so many reasons. First of all this crazy society we live in is all about ACCOMPLISHMENT. We set out on a path (any path) and if we decide along the way that we don’t like it or want it anymore, we usually either:

A. Push even harder! I must conquer! I must win! I will ACCOMPLISH these dreams! (Even if they aren’t anymore, but don’t tell anyone.)

B. I’m going to quit everything and then feel super shitty about myself. Oh gawd what is wrong with me? I can never finish anything. I’m so scared to START something, I may decide I don’t like the path I choose.

What is it that has terrified us into making the WRONG decision? What if we are really here to experience and expand and check in with what our soul needs?

What if the word accomplishMENT is really what are we MENT to accomplish? What if it’s not whatever we can get our hands on. What if it’s what our soul is truly MENT to do, not all the anxious buzzing bullshit that only looks great on paper but feels empty inside.

I loooooooooove that my friend was able to articulate her feelings about possibly migrating from one thing to the next. Knowing what she’d like to do now, but also honoring herself for the inevitable changes she’ll make along the way.

 

My girlfriend went on to say that she is not sure what her next venture in life will be, but she knows that she will NOT be pulled to do something just for the money.

She also said that she is OKAY NOT KNOWING where will end up.

She is comfortable in the unknowing, of trusting that the answers she needs will show up when she needs them.

Woa. How would it be to live like this? To gently move from one truth to another, from one trusting moment to bliss to passion to joy and back to trusting?

What if life can really be like this? 

So I’m checking in with me.

All the parts that have felt embarrassed or vulnerable for passionately starting ideas and businesses and friendships and projects and relationships all to find out that they weren’t really for me in the long run. That I was seeking them for the wrong reasons. Is that so bad? Hey I’ve been doing things! I’ve been moving forward, and getting my hands dirty and making messes and gaining experiences!

I am going to spend a little time apologizing for all the times that I was angry at myself for NOT FINISHING WHAT I STARTED, NOT CONQUERING!

When maybe, just maybe I was listening to my heart all along. Maybe I got what I needed and then it was time to have a different experience.

Maybe I am whole just as I am, and maybe my heart can (and does) guide me better than I realized. 

 

 

Looking For Art

Before I started this blog,

before I was waking up every morning excited to create ART,

I was attempting to get a couple other business ideas going. I’ve always been severely passionate about many things and it seemed like I could swing quickly from one idea to another.

This would cause a lot of stress for me. I thought I SHOULD have been the kind of person that decided what I wanted to do at 18, went for it, and then that would be my life.

Life wasn’t like this for me at all. I have been all over the map! I’ve had plenty of corporate jobs with sales and recruiting and marketing and customer service. (I secretly wished I loved them enough for them to be ENOUGH), and then I’ve also had different kinds of jobs off the normal job scale, working for a spiritual healer, and in a trendy shop in Venice, California. Jobs that seemed kinda kick back and not very ambitious. And yet, I learned parts of myself that I didn’t know existed. As I look back, any of these jobs that I had where I was working FOR someone, no matter what they were, they were based on providing me with either enough resources to make art, or time to do it.

All of that is fine, except that I judged myself horribly for this. I thought “What is wrong with you, Jackie, that you need to create?” “Can’t you just find a CAREER and stick to it?”Even though my heart LONGED to create, I felt like needing to make art, was kind of in the way.

Life would be easier if I was simpler. 

It’s funny that I’ve longed to have one career, when I know many people change what they are doing or wanting to do throughout their lives. But we are always evolving anyway, so it makes sense that how we want to show up in the world changes as well.

So back to my own businesses I was in the middle of… They were based on things that I like, and one was even concepts that I was PASSIONATE about; when I was working in a corporate setting. And yet, the actual work, the planning workshops, the research, not that horrible, but not super fun. The whole time I was doing this WORK for these businesses, I secretly wanted to be making art. Isn’t that funny?

And then I realized:

I decided to do these other businesses because I thought they would MAKE MONEY. And then if I was successful enough, maybe

I’D HAVE TIME TO MAKE ART.

What I really wanted to do,…

WAS MAKE ART.

It’s always always been that, but because I didn’t trust that I’d be taken care of, that I have been given these gifts for a reason, I’ve searched for YEARS to find JOBS and my own BUSINESSES that will give me the joy and fulfillment that art does.

So there’s been this part of me that feels embarrassed that I’ve changed my mind so many times, and yet,.. as I look at it, I haven’t changed my mind at all. I’ve known all along that I wanted to make art, I just didn’t allow myself to do it.

Yet another lesson I’m seeing, is to use the gifts that I have been given to create the life that my soul longs for. I am doing that! I am starting to believe that the more I fill my heart with love and do things that genuinely bring me joy, the more the right people, the right situations will find me.

 

Productive waste of time

Here I am, Monday morning so grateful to be home after an extremely packed weekend at Disneyland. If I were to ask my heart what it wants to do, it would say DRAW! CREATE! PAINT! That is seriously all I want to do. It would probably be wrapped up in emotions and tears and these huge beautiful epiphanies. And yet there is still this silly little part of me that thinks, ‘Noooo that sounds too great, maybe you should find things that need to be CLEANED! FIXED! WORKED ON! Things that don’t make you happy, but make you feel PRODUCTIVE.’

There’s that word, productive.

I remember for years,hoping and wishing and praying and basing everything on FEELING PRODUCTIVE. It had NOTHING to do with if I was HAPPY or RELISHING or GRATEFUL or USING MY GIFTS.

What good is feeling PRODUCTIVE if you aren’t actually accomplishing anything that really matters to you. Just the feeling of PRODUCTIVITY doesn’t mean you’re living your passion, or on your path. To me, many times it can be running in circles very fast just so I feel like I’m kicking my ass. It doesn’t actually mean I’m

DOING ANYTHING WORTHWHILE.

How’s that for weirdness? Is this what we WANT?

What does PRODUCTIVE mask for you? For me, it would hide the fact that I was uncomfortable,

or felt incompetent,

or that I couldn’t say no

or stand up for myself.

I was really good at hiding all of those super yucky feelings under a thick blanket of PRODUCTIVE.

I guess this is just one more thing I’m working on. I love the feeling of starting new projects and finishing them, setting goals of things that I actually really care about. I’m saying no to staying BUSY out of FEAR of facing reality.

 

 

 

 

It’s just a belief

 

Every New Years my hubby and I hide away in the mountains and do some intense inner work. One of the things we look at are our beliefs, since we know we can change them. One of the activities I did just a couple months ago during that time in the cabin, was to look at all of my beliefs surrounding the concept of….

THE STARVING ARTIST. dun dun dunnnnnnn!

I hadn’t realized it, but through the years, I’d picked up some pretty horrible lies about being an artist. I believed them FOR SO MANY YEARS. Now, it’s time to change them.

  1. I remember hearing in regards to making work that ‘EVERYTHING HAS ALREADY BEEN DONE, YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING NEW.’ This belief caused me to become doubtful of my intuition, to question my enthusiasm, and to replay over and over again the REASON for making what my heart wanted so badly to make.
  2.  I believed that the only way to ‘become a successful artist,’ is you need to BEAT THE PAVEMENT with your work. It’s our JOB to walk uphill both ways to galleries, to get our work shown. Ughalkjevo! I’m so drained even thinking about it. Ugh! That doesn’t sound fun, where’s the fun??
  3. I remember hearing (and then believing) that I would need an art degree to be an artist, but then I’d need to TEACH art to get by. I remember the exact moment when I realized this and knew……I NEVER WANT TO TEACH ART. I WANT TO MAKE IT.
  4. If someone would have asked me the characteristics ‘OF AN ARTIST’ even 4-5 years ago, I would have said things like: lazy, irresponsible, late, self-absorbed, unreliable, etc. etc. etc. All the things that I certainly don’t want to be (and actually don’t think I am). But the idea of even being considered AN ARTIST, would have meant that I would have automatically put myself into this category as well.

These are just some of the false beliefs that I learned from a variety of people and situations. They all sound so crazy now, and it’s not anyone’s fault that I picked them up along the way. But no wonder I stopped wanting to be an artist, right? I mean, if I really believed all of these (which I did), and continued to forge ahead with this ARTIST DREAM then I’d be creating a life I. DID. NOT. WANT.

Why does society have such a WRONG idea of what being an artist is, or could be? If I would have realized how much easier life is in general to JUST BE ME, I would have said FUCK YOU to those beliefs long ago.

But at least I can do that now. I can create new beliefs, such as these:

  1. I am here to create work
  2. I can choose my thoughts and create the life I want.
  3. Being an artist is what I do, I can choose my characteristics.
  4. I make money creating art.
  5. My life flows easily because I am being ME fully and completely

Now these feel a lot better!

What are some of your beliefs you’d like to change?

 

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