If you look up the definition of ‘mandala,’ you will see that it represents the search for ‘completeness’ and ‘self-unity’. Though I love these concepts, I am realizing in my life, that the search for that, or rather the experience of them is NEVER a perfect evolution, a perfect circle. There is a constant ebb and flow and one step forward and two steps back. I feel like it’s much more accurate to demonstrate our lifelong journey of learning and growth in a form that is a bit more organic. This is something I am in the process of creating, and I’m not sure if I should fill the page, or leave it as it is. I will add the final photo when I decide. I would like to do more of them!
So,.. I mentioned a couple of posts ago that I haven’t been feeling well. Actually I’ve been in bed for nearly 2 weeks. Horrible cough, sore throat, clogged nose, you name it. There were a couple of days where it was clearing up, and I thought I was getting better. But then all of a sudden I was hit again.
Now this is odd for a couple of reasons.
First of all, I NEVER get sick. Like literally never. If I start getting slightly ‘off,’ I will just sleep a bunch and whatever it is has moved on. I have a really strong immune system.
Second of all, I have had a tendency to get sick when there is something not right emotionally in my life. I’ve lost my hearing before when I had a boyfriend that wouldn’t shut the fuck up. Like ever. I lost it for a month until we broke up. Once that happened, my ears opened up the next day.
I’ve also lost my voice or my nose has become so clogged. When I realized that I felt like I ‘literally couldn’t breathe’ in my life, everything cleared up once I used my voice and spoke up to my husband.
So this is totally normal for me. However, this time I’ve felt REALLY sick.
My mother gave me the idea to sit in the tub for 2 hours at a time with baking soda and epsom salts, and drink a gallon of water to clear out my chest. I must admit the baths have been amazing Jackie time extravaganzas, but they haven’t helped.
I did try another one this morning. Here is the pic.
Anyway, I was starting to get really frustrated. I want to get on with my life! I want to BREATHE again! And sleep! And talk normally! And swallow! And create without snot dripping onto my piece. Is that asking too much??
I thought about the feelings I’ve had while being sick. I’ve felt INCAPABLE, STUCK, DISCONNECTED, UNABLE TO DO ANYTHING, a bit like a VICTIM, etc. etc. etc.
Then I thought ‘Hmmm I wonder where I’ve felt some of those feelings in my life in order to bring forth this experience.’ Yes, I believe in this kind of stuff.
In other words ‘WHY THIS, NOW?’
Suddenly, I realized that for a long time in regards to my husbands ex wife, I’ve felt very INCAPABLE (of mothering the way I want to), STUCK (in a situation where I have no power), DISCONNECTED (from being their mom and yet I take care of them emotionally and do a lot for them like a mother would), UNABLE TO DO ANYTHING about this situation (because my husband was married to her, so he should communicate with her), and a bit like a VICTIM (what the fuck am I supposed to do, I’m doing too much, I’m not doing enough, I can’t do this…)
Aha! This could be it!
So I’ve decided something. My LIFE no longer revolves around her. I did not marry her. I will contact her when I want some information, or clarification, regardless of if my husband wants/needs/cares to communicate with her. I will do this because I need to feel empowered in my situation, and sitting on the sidelines WAITING for other people to ACT the way that I THINK THEY SHOULD ACT does
Also, she’s got Asperger’s and is difficult to communicate with. Thank Gawd my hubby and I are finally aware of this. We used to write cutesy emails to her and get these really cut and dry (rude, lez be honest) responses from her. So we have began mirroring our emails to her responses. Basically being very straight forward with no warmth.
However, this is not me. So in the spirit of changing,.. here goes.
I will not change my tone of voice with her face to face, or in messages. If I am changing who I am because she’s not responding to me the way that I WOULD LIKE HER TO RESPOND TO ME, then I must not be honoring who I am very well. I want to communicate to her with love, kindness, appreciation and compassion because that is what I who I am.
I want to be fully me. It is okay that she isn’t going to give me a shiny happy response. I don’t need that, I do not need acknowledgement from her.
All I need is to be ME completely.
Okay that is my rant for the day.
The sun is shining, my coffee is hot, my nose is clearing up already, and I have art to make.
Take that empowerment! 🙂
Every morning at 4:30, I wake up, drag myself down the hall to this little makeshift meditation room I’ve created. It’s actually this small walk in closet in the extra bedroom full of all my books, old blankets, and lots of junk we don’t know what to do with. I do have an intention of fixing it up to feel a bit more,.. uh.. meditative. But for now it works.
After that, I go into the garage to start making some art. I’ve realized that for me, working in my art journal at this time is pure magic. I don’t need to think about what I’m creating, I just let my fingers move, my heart feel. Anyway, I was sitting out there this morning, totally enjoying the moment, and I suddenly got this fleeting thought.
‘Is this okay? I feel like I’m just playing, like I need to go and WORK.’
I’ve felt this way before. It doesn’t feel fair that I get so much joy from creating. I think that’s the very thought that prevented me from DOING IT for so long. I couldn’t stop thinking, ‘If I love it this much, it must be play, and I must be lazy.’
But what if that’s completely the opposite of what is true?
What if what we relish and devour with joy is actually WHAT WE ARE HERE TO DO?
Anyway, this is what I was working on this morning. I like the idea of these interweaving mandalas,.. but maybe instead of black ink, I use a lot of different colors? Hmmm what do you think? I guess I can try a couple of different options. I’m going to cut a huge piece of my roll of 90 hot press watercolor paper for this. I want it to be really big and exciting.