Creating a Life I love Through Art
Have you checked this girl out yet? I just started following her on Instagram, and I am amazed by her installation creations. She uses cut colored paper to create these incredibly organic forms that seem like they are actually living, breathing entities. I love the organic movement, and the way the installations seem to take over the space. Wow..
https://www.instagram.com/artistcrystalwagner/
Wow…. It’s already Thursday, the days are buzzing and the weeks are almost a blur. It’s amazing to me that I still manage to learn lessons everyday when everything feels like it’s moving so incredibly fast.
It’s funny…. the older I get, the more I see how precious time is and yet how much of it I have to spare. Let me explain…. I used to have a VERY unhealthy relationship with time. (I’m sure I’ve mentioned this in many a posts…) My fear of RUNNING OUT OF TIME drove my decisions, and left me in plenty o places of anxiety and never feeling like I was:
A. Doing enough
B. Being enough
C. Enough Enough
Also, I was an expert waster o time. Because of my fear of LOSING IT, or having it SLIP DOWN THE DRAIN, sometimes I would distract myself and get lost in some sort of bullshit Facebook trap or mindless dawdling. I’m sure I’m not the only one. So as my schedule has gotten a bit more cra cra (driving my stepson to and from school and being in the car 3+ hours a day), I have finally (FINALLY) recognized how absolutely PRECIOUS time is. This learning has caused me to waste less of it, and get down to business with things I WANT TO ACHIEVE IN MY LIFE.
Funny how having a busier schedule can make us chop chop a little more with things that matter. It’s all priorities people.
So for 2018, I have vowed to have a healthier relationship with TIME. I am really aware of HOW and WHEN it is not being spent the way I want.
I guess that has led me to girlfriends.
Isn’t it funny how there are some people in our lives that we are willing to MOVE our busy schedule around for, and there are others that… we just aren’t…..
I’m starting to look at all of that, even if I feel bad admitting it to myself. And you. But sometimes I find myself even saying in my head, ‘Jackie, you SHOULD see so and so or you SHOULD call so and so, I’m sure it’ll be fine.’
But the thing is,.. I don’t want fine.
Fine is having a line at the grocery store.
Fine is sitting in a meeting that went a little too long.
Since I know now that time is precious. I want to use it in a way that leaves me feeling:
Inspired
Seen
Empowered
Joyful.
I have been extremely selective with who I’ve spent time with in the past month, and I like it. I like being so over the moon excited to see someone that enriches my life so much, that I know I will walk away feeling more at peace and in a greater place of connection.
If the relationship/connection/communication is just FINE, well,.. maybe it’s just not worth my time.
Bottom line, I love Jackie time so so so much. I don’t need to spend my time with someone unless they ADD to what I already have. I think I’ve needed to write this out so I can remember to check in with myself about everything.
My time is the most valuable thing I have and I am not going to give it away.
Love this, and it’s so true. I guess that’s what our job is as an artist. Have an idea, and allow it to take it’s own shape and become what it is here to become….
Geez, a New Year is here! Ahhhh! Isn’t it amazing to start a fresh chapter? I know I keep mentioning it but I still can’t get over it. The luster is hopefully going to last far into the year for me because it’s keeping me going.
I’ve been doing a lot of checking in with myself these past couple of weeks. I didn’t like how I was starting to feel pretty regularly by the end of the year last year. Sort of tired, and put upon, and constantly feeling like TIME IS RUNNING OUT,.. you know, all of that. None of which makes me feel
EMPOWERED or
PASSIONATE or
CREATIVE or
ALIVE.
So I knew I needed to make a change.
One of the adjustments I am making is HOW I can take care of myself better.
Now, I know better than anyone that I require a lot to feel my best.
I need:
To do feelings meditations super regularly, and deep breathing, and go to bed early, and make art, and cry, and see friends, and connect with my hubby, and eat protein often, and write, and exercise until I am covered in sweat, and take baths, and visualize solar light, and wake up at 4am, and speak my truth, and have conversations with depth, and I am sure there is plenty more.
I’m pretty good at all of these, but one area I’ve been struggling with is creating spaces that feel good to me. Spending time figuring out how to make spaces clutter free, or warm, or full of love so I feel good in them.
I realized this with my sacred meditation space. I’ve appointed a small walk in closet as my meditation room, but have allowed it to fill up with junk (probably just like my mind), and haven’t bothered to fix it up. Every morning I trip over a bunch of crap in order to close my eyes and attempt to meditate.
How ironic is that?
After New Years it dawned on me that IT’S UP TO ME to create the space exactly the way I want it. And really, if I have it at all, why not make it feel good? Isn’t that the point?
Again, WHY DO WE MAKE LIFE HARDER THAN IT NEEDS TO BE?
Ah! So I am in the process of creating my meditation space so I feel clear and vibrant and at peace when I am in it. Yesssssssssss! And THAT FEELS like I am taking care of me!
I will show pics when it’s done!
xo
Happy Friday!
I mentioned in 2017 how difficult it was for me to LEARN the tools necessary to get where I want to get.
For years I think I’ve had it in my brain that certain pieces of life that take TENACITY and FOLLOW THROUGH will just get easier, and I will be skipping my way down the lane without a care in the world. I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to realize that this isn’t the way life works.
We. Have. To. Work. For. What. We. Want.
Wow. Brain exploding right now.
Now it’s not that I am lazy. I am the opposite in many ways. I have a buzzing brain that is constantly dreaming up amazing ideas, and I am getting things done all the time.
But usually they are only things I enjoy doing. ahahah
One of my GOALS is to be able to sell prints of my artwork (if I choose), and to have a simple, easy to follow website. Wellllll as you can see, the only way I am going to have either of these in my life is to learn some things that I MIGHT NOT LOVE.
Dun Dun Dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!
It was a tough concept for me to wrap my brain around last year. Partly, I realized during our New Years self exploration week, is that I’ve had a really unhealthy relationship with TIME. I always felt like time was running out, time was disappearing, time was dissolving! With that belief, I never wanted to be stuck doing something that didn’t bring me joy. So instead of sticking with learning something new (like putting together a website I really enjoy),
I would just stick to making art.
I have a really good girlfriend who is also an artist. She told me that she views working on her website just as an extension of her art. Though I love that concept, I hadn’t been able to grasp that idea for myself.
So I fought against it.
I wanted to complain and feel annoyed and irritated that I NEED to take the time to LEARN SOMETHING LIKE THAT. Rrrrrr…
After I realized that time only runs out quickly IF we believe that to be true, everything else has started to shift. I can say that as I sit here learning an online Photoshop class, and genuinely enjoying it. Ha! I am learning! I can understand it and I can see how it will help me get where I want to be. Yessss!
Finally, now I can see the joy in all of it. Time isn’t running out, I have plenty of it, and it’s my job to get where I want to. I can do this. Even if I am tired and long to sit and paint or draw, I can do this first. I can make learning a priority.
Ahhhh! There are few things I love more than starting a fresh new, blank chapter. An unlined, crisp, white papered chapter just gleaming with morning dew and ready for me to dip my brush in it.
Ah!
That being said,…wow. Can you believe it’s 2018???! What a crazy year full of learning and growing and the absolute unexpected last year was. Ha! I am grateful for the trials and tears and growth but I must say, I am so so so ready to start this new year. Last year proved to be far more difficult and immerse than I would have ever guessed. But I have the power to figure out why and make the changes necessary for this year.
Every New Years, my hubby and I rent a cabin in Idyllwild for 4 days and work through everything from the year prior and bring what we want into the fresh new year. We create lists of all we experienced, the learning from it, old beliefs that no longer serve us, and anything else that needs to be healed. We talk and cry and discuss for hours. Then the magic begins… We spend the next half of our visit creating the year the way WE WANT IT.
What feelings do we want to experience?
What new experiences do we want to have?
What are the intentions we have for this new year?
I have learned that if we create everyday with INTENTION, we get closer to what it is we really want.
My favorite realization over this New Years visit was that our habits, priorities and intentions need to be aligned in order for us to create the life we want. If one of those is off, life becomes a lot harder and usually we end up not where we want. Ah!
I am so ready for this year, and so ready to dive in to the unknown, even when it’s not always fun or easy. My intentions will guide the way, and part of that is writing more frequently on this blog. Yesss.
I am sending everyone lots of love and light…., and I hope that you’re all ready to move full force into this new year as well!
xo Jax
First of all, I am so so so so so appreciative that I get to create. That I have SPACE in my life to create. I am so appreciative that making art fills me up in such an incredible way. It’s like this warm hug, right from the universe. I feel empowered and connected and powerful and it’s all from the act of sitting down with my paintbrush. Just opening a can of my favorite paint melts my heart and sometimes I can’t stop myself from bursting into tears.
This is the best parts of being an artist for me.
This is the part where no matter what my life looks like, I can say with everything I am that I am so so so grateful I have something that fills me with this much passion and joy. I am truly grateful.
With every ounce of my being it’s not about what other people think AT ALL. AT ALL. For me it is so personal, and it is entirely the process, the in-the-moment creating that makes me feel so full.
That leads me to a slight issue.
I said I want to BE AN ARTIST. Be the artist I know I am.
What does that mean exactly?
Well, if I had my way I would be painting and painting and painting for hours on end with sore fingers and an open heart. I would be immersed in doodles and sketches and shrieking and giggling and crying as I create, all day everyday. All the time. But I said I’d like to also make money as an artist. It’s funny, saying the word ‘money’ along with art physically twists my stomach into knots. I don’t really care if people want to buy my stuff or not, I don’t.
I create solely for myself.
That being said, I also know without a doubt that we are given gifts and abilities to SHARE.
As you can see, I’m sorta stuck here. Stuck between what is comfortable and replenishing and what I know in my heart we as humans are here for.
So what do I do?
I do know that I have always wanted to make a difference in peoples lives, and now is no different. I love community service, and random acts of kindness, and smiling at strangers, etc. etc. etc. If this really is the case, would I really want to hide away day after day creating and bursting and feeling and playing and making all in secret?
That’s not me living my truest self.
If SHARING who I am means SHARING my art, how can I do that authentically?
Without feeling like a jackass?
All marketing is a painful, repulsive venture for me. I literally have to force myself to post on Instagram or Facebook, or even show my work here.
Wow. Okay. So I am noticing as I write that I have a LOT of emotions, way more than I thought, and it’s making me I want to shut down and cry and make art.
I realize that if the idea of showing my work is making me this upset, I must have a lot of fear underneath.
Maybe it’s fear that I’m not good enough.
Maybe it’s fear that I won’t make money.
Maybe it’s fear that I WILL be seen as someone that needs to be acknowledged for her art.
Maybe it’s fear that someone will actually LIKE my work.
I’m not sure, but because of all these extreme reactions, I’m going to investigate. Ah! I love discovering more things about myself to release.
I guess this just means I need to share, I need to post, I need to expose myself anyway.
I don’t need to BE COMFORTABLE.
I can jump even if it’s terrifying and feels gross. In the end I will grow and that is what matters to me.
Ok. Okay, so you’re going to die.
Literally MINUTES after I finished writing my last post, the strangest thing happened to me. Oh my gosh.
I had just walked away from the computer and was heading out to the garage to paint, when I noticed a small puffy lint ball on the ground.
As I looked closer I realized IT WAS A FROG.
A frog! A frog??
The small frog was covered in lint that resembled our rug.
What? How would a FROG get in our house? We never leave the doors open, and besides that,.. HELLOOO I live in San Diego. I have never seen a frog ANYWHERE around here.
I stared at him for a minute with my mind racing. ‘Oh my gawd what do I do what do I do what do I do how do I get him outta here what do I do?’ I started looking around in a panic for a box or a cup or something…
All of a sudden, he started hopping. He hopped across the rug, through the kitchen, under the bar,.. and plopped right into the CAT’S WATER BOWL.
What. Was. That?
A frog appeared in my house?
Now if you know me, the first thing I did after shaking my head in disbelief was look up the MEANING of finding a frog.
Here is what I found out:
‘Frog spirit animals show themselves to us when we are ready to move on from a dramatic experience. They represent physical, mental, emotional and spiritual transformation. Just like the frog that cleanses itself in water, we need to cleanse our spirit from energy that is no longer serving it.’
Wow.
So there you go. Just like the frog started out covered in fuzz and cleaned himself off, I am clearing away negativity and cleansing my spirit to show up as my true self. Yay!
Thank you Mr. Frog!
I love how magic surrounds us when we least expect it!
These past couple of weeks have proven to be some of my most difficult. Probably ever in my life. But through them, like icicles glimmering in the sunset, there are always nuggets of realizations and moments of discovery. This time is no different. I guess what gets me through the tough times is knowing without a doubt that there is SOMETHING for me to learn.
Something for me to deepen as a human.
Something that I may have missed before but that I am now ready to learn.
So here goes.
The thing that has by far taken up most of my mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual energy right now is BEING A STEPMOM. I know I know I’ve written about it a lot lately. I’ve done google searches and researched books that could maybe help me feel more empowered, more at peace, more in a place of joy. And yet most of what I read is pretty depressing. I mean it’s nice to see that I’m not along, but there isn’t a lot of ACTION ITEMS to try, which is what I am truly craving.
The truth is, I haven’t liked who I am lately. I’ve felt so tired and annoyed and irritated and quite honestly stuck. It’s a horrible feeling, and because there is probably nothing I dislike more than feeling like a victim, I know there is a way out.
There is always a path to empowerment, I just need to find it.
This weekend was another one of those hard times. I spent most of it in tears, and exhausted from attempted to guide, and teach, and ask questions, and create plans, etc. etc. etc. and I’m left buzzing around from one thing to the next completely drained and unhappy. I don’t like feeling angry. I’m so sick of being upset and near tears so much of the time. This isn’t the way I want to be, and I know that my core is not.
Things need to change and I am so so so ready for it.
One thing I have learned from past experience is that the CHANGE I’m talking about needs to come from me. It doesn’t work to be waiting around for the ex wife to change, or the kids to change or the situation to change. They all have their own agenda and course to run.
The change NEEDS to come from me.
But what is it? Hmmm…
I know I can meditate more.
I know there are a handful of things that I probably need to let go of.
I know I can’t do everything.
But how do I make these adjustments?
Amidst all these questions running through my brain, I got this funny little realization. Perhaps it’s the title that is screwing me up the most. Since I’ve titled myself as a MOM, and the kids STEPMOM/BONUS MOM, there is instantly this pressure to do everything I can to encourage! To shape! To question! To inspire! To lead! To guide!
Is it the word, MOM?
Though when I say it to myself I feel full, powerful, maternal, warm, and like I have a place in this world. But what comes out is burning weights of pressure.
If the kids don’t learn their manners, it’s my fault. If the kids still don’t have goals, or interests, I didn’t do something right. If the kids are horrible at time management, I must not have carved out time to teach them. If the kids are lazy, I screwed up.
I have just realized the terrible voices that run through my mind all. day. long. No wonder I’m exhausted. No wonder I have this anger hiding inside my body. No wonder I’m feeling small and yucky and not enough.
I was realizing all of this after my husband pretty much required me to go out to the garage to meditate and paint. Both of these are things that I love and center me, but usually when the kids are here, I have a difficult time doing them.
Anyway, after a good hour of Jackie time, I realized something else. Though it’s obvious I need to make ME wayyyyyyyyyyyy more important than I have been. In fact, I need to be the first one that gets attention. I also realized that I don’t need to say the word ‘MOM’ to myself. It’s fine whatever the kids see me as, but to me,… I can be just Jackie.
If I am just Jackie, then I get the FREEDOM to show up as me. NOT as someone that needs to teach them or guide them every minute. NOT every second should be a teaching moment anyway. What if we are just a couple of souls that are hanging out in this lifetime learning from each other?
What. Woa. This just took the pressure way off.
Now, I still see myself as a MOM, but what if I am more of a universal mother, NOT NECESSARILY THEIR MOM?
I walked back into the house, and noticed right away the change in the energy. I felt a desire to chat with them and laugh and it felt easy.
I was being Jackie.
I let go of the PRESSURE to do anything else. The kids and I hung out and watched Project Runway. Ah! It felt so much easier and smooth, and we were chatting and discussing the whole time. I felt myself being interested in their observations and enjoying myself the way I am with anyone else.
I know everyone has a way that works best for them, but this might actually be mine. I’m seeing that even if I had my own kid, the pressure to BE SOMEONE’S MOM, can be overwhelming. And yet, they are on their own journey just like we are. They are here for their own reasons, and maybe I’m only here to softly guide and continue along my path side by side. I don’t know, I haven’t worked all this out yet, but it definitely feels better, and I like just being Jackie.
The biggest question of my life right now,…
What is my role????
I’ve told myself I am confused about this question because
I am a stepmom.
Right away the words STEPMOM fill the room with hazy smoke, the kind where you can’t see 2 feet in front of you, and you suddenly have no idea where you even are. Just THE WORD is full of questions.
But then for some of us, the role gets even stickier.
I’m not ‘just a stepmom.’
In fact, I am the kids main emotional support. I am the instigator, I am the listening ear, I am the one figuring things out, communicating with teachers, connecting the dotes, finding therapists, locating new schools, discussing, giving consequences, and driving all over the place.
It’s a strange dynamic because I enjoy being a part of a family. I love being relied on and knowing that they can trust me to follow through.
But,… I’m not the mom. I’m just a stepmom.
Right?
Am I only doing these extra things because their MOM can’t? No,… that’s not entirely true. My love for them continuously grows the more I do. The more I learn about who they are and what they need, the more I want to show up.
Because I love them.
And then again there are times when I get super annoyed that their ACTUAL mom doesn’t know even a morsel about them. I get angry, and I feel taken advantage of, and I want to step down.
But what would I be stepping down from when my ROLE was never established in the first place?
What would I do if I ‘stepped down?’
Who would fill these roles if I didn’t?
So I go back and forth between feeling obligated and then really wanting to show up. Sometimes I have lots of energy for it and I feel empowered and strong. Other times I’m seething with anger and want to scream at everyone.
My feelings go back and forth, just like the hazy, muddy, slightly skewed title of ‘stepmom.’
I was thinking about this today as I was doing yoga.
MY ROLE is all over the place and nowhere and has no definition and is yet all encompassing. I was starting to get anxious just thinking about it.
But then I realized something else.
Why am I so special?
I mean, am I the ONLY one that doesn’t have a clearly DEFINED role?
I’ve been so caught up in my STEPMOM identity and what that means or doesn’t mean, that I didn’t give myself a chance to check out everyone else.
Maybe the reason this has been so confusing for me, is that we ALL seem to have some weird idea that our ROLES, any of them, should be clearly defined and explained.
We must feel like we SHOULD know exactly what it means to be a good wife, or good friend, or great sister or daughter, or excellent employee.
We SHOULD have learned what the parameters are, what is expected, what isn’t, how we can EXCEL, etc.
The more I think about it, there isn’t one single thing in life that is surrounded by clearly created black and white boundaries and definitions, right?
What if the very concept of ROLE is just bullshit?
What if it completely depends on who the person is and their intention for how they want to show up in the world? Wow. That just took a lot of pressure off my shoulders. Seriously, I felt them just fall.
What if I don’t need to do ANYTHING to perfect my ROLE.
What if I just get to be Jackie? I can do more or less depending on what I feel, but I don’t need to have all the answers, and I certainly don’t need to FEEL like I have to do anything. I’ve just decided while writing this that my only requirement is that I’ll do everything with lots of love. Love for the kids, and my husband, and his ex-wife, and my family, and my friends,…
But most importantly, I can have a lot of love for myself, and let myself OFF THE ROLE HOOK!
Sunshine and Cerulean 