Creating a Life I love Through Art
I just stumbled upon this incredible artist. Wow.. I am an ocean girl at heart, and her ocean paintings bring me right to the waters edge. Sooo phenomenal.
She draws hyper realistic landscapes of mostly ice and water using pastels. It’s like looking into a secret portal of a remote land.
https://www.instagram.com/zarialynn/
I was browsing through Pinterest this morning. Something I rarely do now that I’m totally caught up in Instagram, when I came across these lovely detailed illustrations by Jill Gallenstein.
I am loving these ephemeral floral designs etched with a little bit of sadness and hope and otherworldness.
Wow! Check her out:
http://www.jillgallenstein.com/index.html
Years ago I thought about having a surface where I could do my tiny little drawings on as well as some acrylic painting. I don’t like painting on canvas without gessoing the hell out of it, because lots of canvas texture just isn’t my thing. I thought about it, and maybe did a little thinking, but I wasn’t prepared to figure it out.
Anyway, this time I decided to figure it out only now I am much more patient and curious. I decided to glue a pretty thick mixed media paper to the canvas. After lots of trial and error, and starting over 5-6 times, but I got it to work seamlessly! Ha!!! It’s stuck to the canvas with no bubbles, and the edges have been covered in white texture paste to hide the paper seam. Though it’s not quite finished, it’s only taken a couple of hours and will be done in no time. Ahhhhhhh!
Now I can work on canvases of all shapes and sized with soft deliciously fine paper over the top! Yesssssssssssssss!
This all used to be really hard. In my head, these two little beings already had a mom and a dad and I was this new person swimming somewhere in the middle of everything. I didn’t know what I was doing and constantly felt like I didn’t have a place.
For so long I did not see myself as a mother. I felt like more like an imposter, a projected image of what I thought I should be and yet having no clue at all. I also felt that they would never love me as much as their ‘real parents.’
I was embarrassed that ‘real’ parents would see me as a fake mom or that I just couldn’t possibly understand what it means to be someone’s mother.
But I held on.
I breathed.
I asked for help.
I believed deep inside that this must be for a reason. I must be here for a reason.
And then, fast forward 5+ years and here I sit a completely changed woman.
Without a doubt, I have become a mother.
I have rocked both of them when they have been in tears.
I tell them no, respectfully.
We have worked through some really really tough situations together.
Sometimes I have to remember to be kind.
They roll their eyes when I sing 80’s ballads at the top of my lungs.
There are moments when they are upset and needing to hear something that will help. I open my mouth and pray that I will show up.
I fiercely stand up for them.
I am learning to be more patient.
I hold their hands and remind them I will always love them no matter what.
I teach them consciously but they teach me unconsciously far, far more.
My intention is to truly see them as best as I can. And when I’ve done that, I will learn how to see them even better.
I had no idea I had what it took to be a mother and yet here I am. And you know what? It doesn’t matter at all anymore that they already have a mom. Who says one mother is enough anyway?
Every single day, hard days or easy, I thank the Universe and God for this family. My ‘place’ had been waiting for me all along, and there is no ‘place’ in the world I would rather be.
My attempt to write in this blog every single day hasn’t quite been working out. ahahhah But I think the minute that I get hard on myself, I need to remember that I haven’t quite taken all the other things on my list into consideration. And! On top of that, I can adjust my goals at anytime. If they aren’t reachable at this exact moment, that’s okay, lets tweak them.
Something really exciting happened over the last couple of weeks. I know a woman that founded a private school. I don’t know her well, but she came to my first Creative Women workshop and I connected with her a little bit. She told me that she’s got a gaga pit at the school that the kids love, and she’d like to HAVE IT PAINTED.
Whhhhhhhhat.
Normally I would have listened to that sadly familiar, mean little voice inside that said things like, “You’re not good enough for this project…’ or ‘You never finish things, how could you possibly commit to this,…’ or ‘You’ve never done anything this big, there’s no way you can do it well.’
But I decided not to.
It’s not that I didn’t HEAR the voice, I most certainly did. But I didn’t hear it as the truth, I heard it for what it was.
It was fear.
It was the voice of a frightened little Jackie trying her best to protect me. That’s how my fear generally looks to me, when I really give it a chance to be seen.
Why is our fear there anyway? Is it always to protect us? For me I would say usually, yes. It knows situations I’ve been in over the years that were risky and she’s gunna show up again and again to warn me to STAY SAFE.
Now if I remember that that is all she’s doing, I can be loving towards the voice. I can listen for a minute, and really feel her inside of me. The angst, the anxiety, the fear,.. but then it’s up to me what I do next. Lately I’ve been sending her love and thanking her for protecting me, but that I’m not going to let her call the shots. And then I go out and take a risk.
Back to the story. Normally I would have put off calling this person to discuss the gaga pit because the voices would have been too loud telling me not too. Reminding me I’m not the person she wants. But this time I called her right away and arranged a date to meet. After I saw the project I knew it was for me. It was so wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy out of my comfort zone and yet there was this funny little glimmer of joy that kept creeping up.
What if I’m ready?
The gaga pit is an 8 sided octagon that is 15 feet across. It’s used for a game where an entire class can fit inside the walls of the pit. Each side (panel) is about 4 feet x 3 1/2 feet. Now I have never painted on something so large in my life, but I wanna try. I believe I can.
The funniest part of this is that I would do this for FREE. No matter how many hours I may spend sitting on a little stool tediously painting each panel, I would do it for nothing. Ha! In fact I’m honored that someone is allowing me to ‘play’ with the pit. ahahha It doesn’t seem fair for someone to pay me for doing something that I will just devour with joy.
Anyway! This is the next project! Can you believe it? I can’t wait to get started, and even though I have moments of fear still seeping in from time to time, I am trusting that I. Can. Do. This. And then I will. 🙂
Hello! Happy Monday! The sun is out and it’s going to be another hot day here in San Diego.
I know I wrote a blog about a creative women’s group I wanted to start someday. I remember writing it, and then being even more inspired from what I wrote.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago, right before I left on vacation….
I was telling one of my girlfriends the concept for the group. ‘Wouldn’t it be great to get a group of creative women together that all have these ideas that they want to do. We can talk out loud about them and THEN hold each other accountable for everything we say we want to do!’
Anyone that knows this particular friend, knows that her response to ANY new idea is always, ‘Oh my gosh you should TOTALLY do it!’ That’s exactly what she said, and this time I was ready.
In 10 minutes I had created a Facebook event and we were planning on our first meeting. It’s funny, even a year ago I would have been plagued with ‘oh my gosh I can’t facilitate this sort of thing, I don’t know what I am doing,’ or ,’ I need more time to RESEARCH what I want to say and do,’ or ‘I’m too busy,’ or ‘I’m not the right person for the job,’ etc. etc. etc. I would have been freaking out. But now, for some odd reason, I wasn’t. It felt organic, and just like the next step. It was almost shocking how NOT scared I was. I felt empowered and full.
The meeting was a complete success! It was full of magic and laughter and these super awesome, weirdly synchronized events with wildly magnetic, bursting, creative women. The whole time I felt strong and powerful and as if I was completely in the right place at the right time.
It’s pretty interesting to feel worlds different than I would have even a couple of months ago. Why?
Here’s what I think:
I needed this group FOR ME.
I didn’t set out to:
INSPIRE OTHERS.
Or TEACH THEM SOMETHING.
Or CHANGE THEM.
This was purely for me. I was in a place of realizing that I need ACCOUNTABILITY and I DESIRE being around creative, compassionate, warm, open women. But I created this group for me, and that took all the pressure off. If other people end up getting what they need along the way, that’s great, but it’s not the reason I am doing it.
HA! I can see how I can apply this concept to all areas of my life. It’s not my JOB to teach people or get them into places I want them to be or I think they should be. It IS my job however, to live authentically and create what I WANT AND NEED FOR ME. What what a relief! I don’t need to save the world after all. Ha!
This morning, in the quiet, dark morning, I was drawing in my art journal and reflecting on this past week. The kids are off in Europe with their mother for a summer vacation, and you’d think I’ve had a lot of art time. But it’s been a busy week full of lots of errands, and some family time. Parts have been fulfilling experiences and others that are just,.. you know,.. necessary.
Anyway. As I was allowing my mind to relax, I realized that I feel a bit uncomfortable. I’m feeling a bit muddled right now. Starting a new piece but not sure where it’s headed or what to do next. There’s been this gnawing anxiety inside as I work out what to do and how and if it’s even going to work.
I’m not feeling like an ARTIST.
I hate to admit that but it’s true. I feel like a fake. I feel disconnected from whatever I thought I was and it feels yucky.
In that moment I jotted down some notes for myself.
Why is it that I only feel like an artist when I have the answers?
Because when I think about it, being an artist isn’t HAVING the answers, it’s relishing the questions. And I’ve known this, I’ve felt it in my body before. But intellectually it’s UNCOMFORTABLE to be in a murky place, am I right? In a place where I’m feeling a bit tired and listless. But am I only an artist when I’m bursting into flames of passion and frothing at the mouth with excitement? Does being an artist really come and go just as quickly as my emotions?
No! It can’t! What if all of this is being an artist. All of it. Regardless of if I am in a buzzing bursting swirling place of joy or if I’m cloudy and unsure. I’m still a creator, I’m still searching and open and moving forward.
So this was a good reminder to have faith. Faith that there is always an ebb and flow to everything, and creating is just another part of existing. So have faith. I know I can do things to foster my creativity better than I have been.
Maybe it’s okay to sometimes feel lost. To sometimes not feel all that we truly are. Maybe those are the moments when we get to learn more about ourselves, and our strength then we ever knew possible.
Oh Wow!! I’ve seen this girls work for years but didn’t remember her name. Check out her site, I’m blown away. I’m not usually a floral kinda girl, but I love the magnitude! It’s making my face explode.
In a good way.
Check it out!
https://www.instagram.com/adrianapicker/
Love this quote and this fierce powerful artist! Ahhhh! Her words shoot right through my soul!
Hello everyone! I hope you’re all having a wonderful Thursday morning!
Right when I think ‘Sheesh! The universe has been giving me so many lessons lately, I’m sure there will be a nice break,..another one pops up. Ha!’ I hope I always feel that way about my life.
I can CRY easily and often so I’ve always known that I’m just really expressive with my emotions. I’m this wet well of feelings and I’ve learned to accept it. However, I’m seeing now that there maybe more to the story. I’ve recently started to get some coaching on personal stuff and I’ve come to find out that just because I CRY it doesn’t mean I’ve cleared the emotional experience out of me. Whhhhhhhhhhhat.
So. My assignment for the next couple of weeks is to do this feeling meditation to release past feelings that did not get fully felt. It’s actually pretty scary. Surprisingly there are so many experiences that I’ve dreaded looking back into. So I’m grateful that I’ve been able to muster up enough courage to do this. Something that helps is when I remind myself that FEELINGS CAN’T HURT US, they are meant to be felt. They can only hurt us if we don’t feel them. Hm.
Because I’m in the feelings mode, I’ve decided to take it a step further and become aware of when I’m avoiding feelings in my everyday life. It looks like nothing on the outside: ‘Oh shoot, I feel annoyed, so I’m going to go paint. Or. ‘ Yikes I feel angry, I need to go to the gym and forget.’ I usually do healthy things, but they are still a way of attempting to alleviate the pain of FEELING, instead of just embracing the feeling and letting it go.
And then I had the craziest realization.
I even do it with JOY! There are times when I have avoided even feeling the DEPTH of my joy. Can you believe it??? Seems crazy I know, but since I’m working more towards being PRESENT with everything I’m doing, I discovered this sad truth.
There are many times when I’m painting, and just as I’m settling in and feeling the warm elation of doing what I love, I’ll distract myself by NEEDING TO TEXT SOMEONE RIGHT NOW, or
SUDDENLY NEEDING TO CHECK ON AMAZON FOR A PRODUCT.
I know it’s not like I’m doing heroin, this is obviously much smaller scale. But I don’t want to shut off my joy in any way. If I’m used to shutting off my sadness or my anger or my hurt, it makes perfect sense that JOY could get squashed as well. What about you? Does this resonate with any of you?
Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!! I love getting these realizations because then I can make a tweak!
Yesterday, I put my phone away when I was making art. I sat in the silence so the only sound was my breath, and the paintbrush sliding across the paper. And. I. Was. In. Bliss.
I’m just going to believe that the more I embrace feeling my feelings all the way to the bottom, there will be more space for clarity, focus, connection and creativity.
xo
Sunshine and Cerulean 