Passion!

Here’s to the bursting buzzing excitement that is stored in all of us. The giddy deliciousness that bubbles over into explosive gasping pieces of joy like confetti in a windstorm.

Here’s to the fire pulsing at the bottom of our guts vibrating, moving, seething,.. ready to boil over.
And the hot sticky tears, overwhelmed with laughter!

Ahhhh!! Passion!

 

 

Biscuits and Trout

I was just out on a beautiful long hike with a good friend of mine. I love the mixture of deep talks and nature, there’s sort of nothing like it.

Anyway, she has recently gotten her real estate license for California and I was asking her what the PLANS ARE.

I love what she said!! She started with, “I’m really checking in with myself every day to feel where I am and where I’d like to be. I’m heading in one direction, but who knows, I may end up heading in a different direction. But I’m going to move where my heart feels it should go.”

I love this for so many reasons. First of all this crazy society we live in is all about ACCOMPLISHMENT. We set out on a path (any path) and if we decide along the way that we don’t like it or want it anymore, we usually either:

A. Push even harder! I must conquer! I must win! I will ACCOMPLISH these dreams! (Even if they aren’t anymore, but don’t tell anyone.)

B. I’m going to quit everything and then feel super shitty about myself. Oh gawd what is wrong with me? I can never finish anything. I’m so scared to START something, I may decide I don’t like the path I choose.

What is it that has terrified us into making the WRONG decision? What if we are really here to experience and expand and check in with what our soul needs?

What if the word accomplishMENT is really what are we MENT to accomplish? What if it’s not whatever we can get our hands on. What if it’s what our soul is truly MENT to do, not all the anxious buzzing bullshit that only looks great on paper but feels empty inside.

I loooooooooove that my friend was able to articulate her feelings about possibly migrating from one thing to the next. Knowing what she’d like to do now, but also honoring herself for the inevitable changes she’ll make along the way.

 

My girlfriend went on to say that she is not sure what her next venture in life will be, but she knows that she will NOT be pulled to do something just for the money.

She also said that she is OKAY NOT KNOWING where will end up.

She is comfortable in the unknowing, of trusting that the answers she needs will show up when she needs them.

Woa. How would it be to live like this? To gently move from one truth to another, from one trusting moment to bliss to passion to joy and back to trusting?

What if life can really be like this? 

So I’m checking in with me.

All the parts that have felt embarrassed or vulnerable for passionately starting ideas and businesses and friendships and projects and relationships all to find out that they weren’t really for me in the long run. That I was seeking them for the wrong reasons. Is that so bad? Hey I’ve been doing things! I’ve been moving forward, and getting my hands dirty and making messes and gaining experiences!

I am going to spend a little time apologizing for all the times that I was angry at myself for NOT FINISHING WHAT I STARTED, NOT CONQUERING!

When maybe, just maybe I was listening to my heart all along. Maybe I got what I needed and then it was time to have a different experience.

Maybe I am whole just as I am, and maybe my heart can (and does) guide me better than I realized. 

 

 

Focus Focus Focus

What if everything has the potential to work out if we stop focusing so hard on it?

I have sort of a funny example:

I’ve always disliked my arms. They were never the shape I wanted.

Through the years I started paying more and more attention to them until it became a total obsession.I was constantly thinking about them, and noticing other people’s arms that I was envious of.

Looking back, I can also see that my fixation caused me to assume that EVERYONE ELSE was also aware of my arms.

What is wrong with me?

Oh my gosh I look so horrible!

My arms are so noticeable and disgusting!

I found weight classes with the determination of getting them THE WAY I WANT THEM. I pushed myself to make this happen, but nothing seemed to be working!

The ARMS had become this HUGE problem.

I worked out even harder.

But still nothing happened.

About 4 months ago, I was peering at them, grabbing the areas I felt should be different, and I thought of something. If my arms suddenly WERE exactly what I wanted, how would my life be different?

Would I still do the same things?

Would I still have the same people in my life?

Would the same things still make me happy and sad and excited?

Yes. Of course, the answer was yes.

So…

Who cares?

I mean really, what if my arms are just the latest obsession that is keeping me from totally accepting myself, but they are fine? What if they are fine just the way they are. Can I love myself exactly as this, if they never do change?

I decided that yes, I can and I stopped thinking about them. I started sending them love when I saw them in the mirror, and being grateful they were getting so strong from all my weight exercises.

I stopped noticing the size.

 

The other day I was in the middle of my brutal yoga class and I happened to glimpse at my arms in the mirror. I realized that they were starting to take the shape I had always wanted. But I hadn’t even noticed!

As I examined them more closely that evening, I realized something else. It’s great they are toning up, it really is. And yet I don’t care nearly as much as I thought. Their size, their shape isn’t what determines my happiness.

So I was wondering, is this how it is in all areas of life? If we are super focused on something, and running in circles demanding it to BE DIFFERENT, do things suddenly change? After all that grueling work?

Or if we build up some sort of ideal into this fantasy that will make our LIVES BETTER AND MORE ENJOYABLE AND HAPPIER, is that ever true?

This was a great epiphany, because I’m involved in some heavy life stuff right now. Maybe instead of running in circles SEARCHING FOR THE ANSWER, I can surrender to what is, and LOVE who and what I am and who and what everyone else is that I am involved with.

Maybe this can create the space for miracles to occur.

 

 

Doin’ It Yoga Style

I have this extreme love/hate relationship with this hardcore yoga class called yoga sculpt. The temperature is turned up so high your body begins dripping with sweat, and then along with some yoga moves, you are pumping iron

WITH WEIGHTS.

The first time I did it I ended up stopping in the middle, totally done, gasping for breath on the floor and thought I was going to die. Seriously. I have worked out my entire life and yet this is the absolute hardest class I have ever done.

Now this is where things get interesting. Sure the class is hard, sure it’s like a fucking nightmare, lez be honest. But it does end! The intervals end, the downward dogs end, the horrible squats, all end.

It was a habit of mine for most of the time I was in this class to STOP when it got horrible. My chest starts burning, and my limbs shake so hard I think they will fall off, and there is so much sweat on my face that my contacts are swimming. So I would stop.

I started to believe that I COULDN’T go on.

Stopping became a habit.

 

And then I realized something.

I’m stopping before the miracle even happens. I’m stopping when it gets tough, when I feel super uncomfortable,..

I was outta there.

This didn’t just happen in yoga for me, it was like my whole life was laid out on the mat.

I’VE DONE THIS BEFORE IN SO MANY AREAS OF MY LIFE.

Life gets horrible, or feels nearly impossible and I checked out.

So what if I start to do things differently in this yoga class? Maybe there’s a chance that I start to become more aware of it in my life. What I have also realized is that it’s okay to slow down. What if instead of STOPPING, I get really present and breathe in compassion and MOVE SLOWER,

BUT DON’T STOP?

I’m not always perfect about this little tweak. Sometimes I still get so mind bobblingly ill that I have to stop, and that is okay. But I would say in general I push myself more.

Isn’t this true about LIFE? All parts of LIFE? Creating art or having relationships or finding a great job or doing really anything? If we QUIT when it hurts or feels yucky, what happens? We miss out. The art won’t get looked at, we won’t get that great job, we won’t work out relationship issues,

NOTHING WILL CHANGE.

I’m focusing on slowing down if I need to, but NOT STOPPING. I can do this, I can get through life (and HORRIBLY AMAZING yoga). There is always an ebb and flow, and it always gets better. I can do this, and so can you. We can move through even when it’s hard.

 

 

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