Me Being Me

Wow. My head is literally bursting with so many ideas of new things I want to create and try and experiment with, and FEEL! I am jotting down notes and sketches constantly but am having trouble keeping up!

Though I am consistently inspired by life and everything in it, I sometimes forget that what I create naturally, without even thinking, IS my true nature, and IT. IS. ENOUGH. I AM ENOUGH.

It seems like the human condition is the fear that we aren’t enough exactly as who we are. This inner belief that life SHOULD be a struggle, life SHOULD be hard, and if it’s not, well, then… we are just LAZY.

This is how I have felt about art (among everything else in my life). If I wasn’t IN PAIN while working, and so confused and anguished about the project, I would discount it. That’s why a lot of my work wasn’t ‘my work,’ it was stupid little mindless doodles that I couldn’t stop. I convinced myself to feel ashamed that I NEEDED to draw, to create. And that because I feel relaxed and full of joy when the pen takes over and my head stops thinking, that must mean… I AM LAZY and my creations are a waste of time.

So I am starting out this year, aware of my past beliefs related to struggle and ease. I’m going to allow myself to be in utter bliss creating what naturally comes from me, where I don’t think at all about the outcome. I am going to do it without judgement. Maybe this is art as well…. Me being me, just like it is for you to be fully and truthfully and unswayingly YOU.

Rise Up

I had an interesting experience on Friday morning. I was invited to a women’s circle, and I said yes. I love women’s circles!
It’s a chance to come together as women to share!
To feel!
To connect!
Ah! It can be so so enriching and validating.

Anyway, I was really looking forward to it. I’m such in a place of wanting to expand my friendship base to more heart centered people that are doing work on themselves, and are willing to be open and vulnerable.

We sat in a circle and all introduced ourselves. There were some that had been coming for a long time, and a couple of us were brand new. I suddenly realized that not only was I surrounded with like-minded, open, vulnerable women BUT they were all extremely successful, magnetic, and powerful creators as well. Suddenly I felt a bit intimidated and when it was my time to speak, completely forgot what to say. I totally forgot to say anything about me being AN ARTIST or anything that I want to do or create. It was like I was just milling around aimlessly. I think in hindsight, I just felt like I wasn’t enough.

As I was driving home I kept replaying what happened in my head. ‘Ahahlsdkf! Why wasn’t I more confident? Why couldn’t I think of what to say? Why did I leave everything personal out of what I was saying?’

Then my self talk got even worse. (sad face)

‘Maybe I shouldn’t be a part of this group, these women have it all together. They probably think I’m just this ridiculous foolish girl. I feel dumb and not good enough. I’m sure everything I say probably sounds so stupid to them.’

I’ve heard those words before. They were reminding me of some horrible old beliefs that I thought I’d already squashed. As I started to slip down that yucky path, ¬†something stopped me.

Then suddenly, I noticed another voice. This one was hidden behind the pushy loud one. It was patient and soft, but still steady. It said, ‘What if you were invited to this circle for a reason. You’ve been saying that you want more depth, more vulnerability. Maybe this is exactly where you need to be to learn to show up fully as yourself and keep your heart open to learning even more. It doesn’t matter how much they have accomplished, these women are so open to having you here as well. They have plenty to teach you, but you have plenty to teach them as well.’

I sat there for a moment, in traffic, and took a deep breath. This is where I got to choose which voice to listen to. The second one sounded strong and powerful, I’d definitely PREFER to listen to that one.

It’s so funny how easy it is sometimes to ASSUME that we aren’t good enough for some things, that we aren’t ready. We can ASSUME the other people have more of the answers than we do, or they are just plain smarter or prettier or better than us, and that because of that, we don’t DESERVE to be there. That our presence won’t influence the group at all, that our existence isn’t going to spark anyone, or touch anyone, or mean anything. But I’m not going to let those feelings stop me this time. It’s okay for me to feel my insecurities. I can feel them with compassion and let them go.

And then I can rise to the occasion.

 

Productive waste of time

Here I am, Monday morning so grateful to be home after an extremely packed weekend at Disneyland. If I were to ask my heart what it wants to do, it would say DRAW! CREATE! PAINT! That is seriously all I want to do. It would probably be wrapped up in emotions and tears and these huge beautiful epiphanies. And yet there is still this silly little part of me that thinks, ‘Noooo that sounds too great, maybe you should find things that need to be CLEANED! FIXED! WORKED ON! Things that don’t make you happy, but make you feel PRODUCTIVE.’

There’s that word, productive.

I remember for years,hoping and wishing and praying and basing everything on FEELING PRODUCTIVE. It had NOTHING to do with if I was HAPPY or RELISHING or GRATEFUL or USING MY GIFTS.

What good is feeling PRODUCTIVE if you aren’t actually accomplishing anything that really matters to you. Just the feeling of PRODUCTIVITY doesn’t mean you’re living your passion, or on your path. To me, many times it can be running in circles very fast just so I feel like I’m kicking my ass. It doesn’t actually mean I’m

DOING ANYTHING WORTHWHILE.

How’s that for weirdness? Is this what we WANT?

What does PRODUCTIVE mask for you? For me, it would hide the fact that I was uncomfortable,

or felt incompetent,

or that I couldn’t say no

or stand up for myself.

I was really good at hiding all of those super yucky feelings under a thick blanket of PRODUCTIVE.

I guess this is just one more thing I’m working on. I love the feeling of starting new projects and finishing them, setting goals of things that I actually really care about.¬†I’m saying no to staying BUSY out of FEAR of facing reality.

 

 

 

 

Have I? Have I? Have I?

No matter what I used to do with my time, I’d never feel like I did enough. Anyone ever experience that?

And it was so silly because even if I had a specific LIST of what I wanted to ACCOMPLISH and lets say I did everything on that list, at the end of the day, I still had this nagging feeling of not doing enough, not being enough, not.. ENOUGH.

It’s interesting, where did that start? Are we taught this? Are some of us taught that? All of us? Did society do this? Does it stem from a deeply rooted belief that we AREN’T ENOUGH? That our core isn’t okay? That our decisions with HOW we spend our time isn’t quite right?

And even that, where did it start? Is it not trusting our intuition with what we need when we need it, and constantly feeling like we need to check in with others to see if

WE ARE OKAY,

IF WE ARE ENOUGH?

As you can probably see, I like to dig for the answers. I want to KNOW.

Anyway, I may never know THE ANSWER,

but I’m starting to just take the pressure off myself a bit more everyday, and I think part of that is because I’m embracing

Who. I. Am.

FINALLY!!

I realized, that regardless of my LIST, if I can spend more time in the moment, whatever that looks like to me, at the end of the day I feel more FULFILLED and less anxious about not ACCOMPLISHING ENOUGH.

Thank Gawd for that. Because what’s the point of life anyway? I’d like to think it’s to be happy and have peace and joy and play and growth, and truly be able to RELISH all of it, eat it with a spoon, gulp it down, with tears rolling down my cheeks,

FEEL ALL OF IT.

LIVE ALL OF IT.

 

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