In the Sadness

I don’t know what it is about today, but I am so stuffed with emotions right now. It’s so good to start writing.

I’m feeling really sad. It is the kind of sadness that burrows inside like a sharp knife and spreads itself like thick, warm mud throughout my whole body.

I just want to cry and cry and cry.

I think at first I would have said that I don’t know why I feel this way. It’s easy to say ‘I don’t know’ as the first response to big emotions.
Where did we learn that from?

Is it that we really don’t know?

Or that we weren’t taught to ask ourselves where our feelings are coming from?

Or that we expect instant answers and don’t have experience with allowing the revelations to move through us, though sometimes slowly?

The truth is, I do know why I’m sad.
We have recently had an experience where we were left out of something big. And I want to shake someone and cry and tell them how it feels. I think I’m also sad that being an adult sometimes means that I need to move through my feelings without blaming someone else.

When all I want to do is blame right now. I do.

I want to scream and tell them it’s their fault, and THEY were disrespectful and rude.

Sometimes it’s difficult to know how to handle being hurt by someone. I mean, there are some people (my husband included), where I can speak openly about being hurt. I can discuss it and move through it and we can both understand each other deeper. Then I can box it up in a nice little package, and discard it. Renewed and more connected with myself and the other person. But there are other people that never allow any feelings like that to come close them. They will viciously attack back, even if the intention was to address it in a vulnerable respectful way.

So what do you do with people like that?

With the ones that you don’t feel safe in sharing your feelings with?

And what I am learning is that it is okay for me to FEEL whatever I am feeling. That doesn’t mean that I need to PUT IT ON ANYONE. No one can MAKE me feel a certain way, I know that.

And yet, there is some sadness again.

Each time I write, I learn more about myself. I am learning that I appreciate sharing my feelings, even if it’s hurt and sadness. I appreciate sharing them with someone that is opening to hearing and growing and becoming closer. And for me, sharing, voicing, having a voice, helps me feel stronger as a human.

I think just hearing my voice reminds me that I am okay, and that I am not alone. 

So. It’s sad that there are people (only 1 or 2 now) in my life, that I still cannot share completely with. That they are maybe stuck emotionally and seem to be incapable of opening to vulnerability,
to connection,
to truth. And so something that bonds some of us, needs to be dealt with alone because I don’t feel safe in sharing. 

And maybe the more I get to know myself, and know that I grow through sharing, maybe I also am learning that not everyone does. And that I cannot make someone grow with me and my feelings. That me EXPECTING someone to give a shit about my feelings is also me not recognizing that we are all different.

That we come from different places.
That we need different things.
That we don’t see things that same way and never will.

So here I am, full circle, maybe dipping my toe in a place of compassion. But definitely recognizing that my expectation of other humans and their apparent short falls is actually MY shortfall

And for that, I am also sad.

Unorthodox Mandala

If you look up the definition of ‘mandala,’ you will see that it represents the search for ‘completeness’ and ‘self-unity’. Though I love these concepts, I am realizing in my life, that the search for that, or rather the experience of them is NEVER a perfect evolution, a perfect circle. There is a constant ebb and flow and one step forward and two steps back. I feel like it’s much more accurate to demonstrate our lifelong journey of learning and growth in a form that is a bit more organic. This is something I am in the process of creating, and I’m not sure if I should fill the page, or leave it as it is. I will add the final photo when I decide. I would like to do more of them!

What Do You Do?

WHAT DO YOU DO? 

Ahhjjajse4vnsedrlflsfv! The question I have dreaded for years seems to creep it’s sneaky little head again into my existence.

I have hated this question since the beginning.

I guess I have just never been sure how to answer it. I mean, when I was working at a large recruiting firm and making great money, I hated the question. I knew that what I WAS DOING TO BRING IN A PAYCHECK, had nothing to do with WHO I AM AS A HUMAN. In fact, I hated my job. I cried almost everyday. I wanted nothing more than to be making art. But when I was asked this ‘what do you do,’ question, I gave a brief, quick, emotionless answer. I didn’t mention that my SOUL is an artist and always has been. I never talked about how I DO yoga, and I DO spirituality and I feel pain in other people’s bodies. I would immediately sum up the job I went to for 8 hours a day into a nice little packet, since I assumed that is what the question called for.

But I didn’t feel seen.
I didn’t feel that suddenly this person GOT me as a human or that we were able to maybe CONNECT on a deeper level. It just became a canned response to rattle off if someone in a half listening haze were to ask it.

Fast forward years later and I was working at a company where I liked my coworkers and occasionally got to use my gifts. I talked to people and got to help them and I laughed and for the most part felt like myself. But then again that sneaky little weird question would come up outside of work. ‘So,… what do YOU do?’ I felt awkward telling my memorized reply of being a project manager for a software company. It wasn’t interesting enough to have anyone WANT to ask a question about it.

In fact, I felt like a liar. 

I WASN’T A PROJECT MANAGER. I am an empathetic woman that is really good at talking to people. I am full of light and joy. I am eternally an artist. (My art journal sat on my lap so I could draw during calls.) I am able to laugh at myself and people feel comfortable talking about their own mistakes. I am a teacher, and enjoyed showing and sharing. And the whole time I wanted to be making art. Just making making making….

Uhhhhh I could never say all that! ahahha

Fast forward again…. My hubby wants me to fully show up exactly as I want to.

So I am making art.

I am working on a website. I am learning how to push through even when I am struggling or don’t understand something. I am an artist, and finally get to be one everyday.

Nowadays when people ask this super surface sad question, I tell people I am an artist. Because I am. It doesn’t matter how much I’ve sold or not. I have never cared about that anyway.
The way I see things is as an artist.
The way I feel things straight to my core is an artist.
An artist may draw or paint or write or create anything, or just notice the tiny little details of life.
Even this is confusing for people.

They don’t know what to make out of this answer because they can’t put me in a box.

I can feel their brain bursting with, ‘WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? DOES SHE SELL? HOW MUCH? HOW OFTEN? WHO KNOWS HER? How many followers on Instagram does she have? What is happening here? SO DOES SHE NOT WORK???’

I guess those are all valid questions for someone that only measures success by money. But if you were to feel that money is just as small percentage of the abundance that surrounds us, you probably wouldn’t get hung up on my answer. By me stating that I am an artist, I am sharing far more with you than just a job description. I am sharing how my soul was made. I am sharing everything I have judged and feared and wished was different about myself.
I am sharing my very essence.
It’s funny how writing all that out is actually teaching me in the moment how I really feel.

But then my stepdaughter asked me the other day, “So what DO YOU DO? I mean like, WHAT IS YOUR JOBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB?” And for some reason my confidence all went away. It’s probably because her mother is a hardcore intellectual, and works 80+ hours a week at a job she hates. So I guess there was a feeling that I was going to get judged. But I was super uncomfortable with the question!

I sort of mumbled something about art and websites and then changed the subject. I felt so out of my body.

Days later I realize that she wasn’t trying to be rude, she was just curious. And if ANYONE is going to lead her to follow her truth, it’ll be me.
It will be.

If anyone is going to show her that she can DO AND BE AND HAVE anything she wants, it’ll be me.

But! I need to OWN my journey before I can properly explain it to her. If I am looking for approval from her, or needing her to get it, or agree, or have what I say be enough, then I am not helping. I need to OWN all of me and then speak from the truth of that.

Ahhhhh…. writing this has been so validating. I love not knowing what is going to come out until I sit down at the computer.

Why do most of us spend so much of our time and energy not feeling like we are enough?

What if we are EXACTLY enough in every way? All these years of wishing I was different, I am just going to start embracing who I am so I can help my daughter do the same.

 

 

FOCUS pocus

Hello everyone!

Wow…. can’t believe October is already beginning. Life is moving so quickly.

I have committed to finishing things I start, and handling all of the elements for my art business. I know I have complained a lot about some of these tasks, but… I am doing them!

I am feeling capable!

I am seeing myself transform and it is FROM ME!

So here is something I learned a week ago that is really really helping me. When there is a task that I am not excited to do, I can trick myself into getting way more done anyway. I set my timer for a short amount of time.  It can be 30 minutes, or 20 or even 5. Lez be honest, sometimes 30 minutes seems way too long. But the cool thing is I am getting these incredible moments of being hyper FOCUSED on what I want to work on. It’s amazing how much I can get accomplished in such a short period of time.

Does anyone out there also struggle with focus? I’d love to hear your tricks to getting things done.

Anyway, I’m really proud of myself and am loving feeling like I can do anything I focus on. Yessss!

Becoming An Adult

Shhhhhhit it’s about time!

So I’ve realized something sorta funny. I get so super excited to start a new piece that I tend to not really be aware of the materials I’m using. This has been a problem for years, it’s not at all new. But the idea of MAKING DRAFTS of anything is very nauseating, and I have this belief that my piece will end up feeling less intuitive. So I’d just start with a lot of excitement and vigor and then suddenly realize the paper is sucky or the pen is writing like crap with the particular paint. Silly mistakes. Mistakes I DIDN’T need to discover IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ACTUAL ART PIECE.

I end up super annoyed that my piece isn’t as good as it could have been.

Oh Gawd this is soooooo obviously self sabotage. 

I can see that by NOT planning, and then creating something that has obvious material issues, I can blame the problems with the piece on that. Instead of PREPARING and oh no, what if I STILL DON’T LIKE IT?

Or what if I do?

Funny how our self sabotage brain can be oh so sneaky.

So because I can see it all pretty damn clear, I decided to do something I’ve never done before.

Make freakin’ notes. 

I even had to document it with this photo, that’s how rare it is. Ya you’re not gunna get the best of me again SELF SABOTAGE BULLSHIT BRAIN, (or SSBB).

So once again, I need to figure out the BALANCE between 2 extremes.

  1. Loving to organically create through my intuition,
  2. But ALSO use materials that I KNOW will give me the effect that I want.

Huh. Big thoughts here people. Big adult thinking going on.

All I can say is bring it on!

 

1440

So I had never heard of 1440 in Scotts Valley, CA until my sister in law suggested we check it out. There was going to be a speaker there that she loves. I just agreed, because I love her, but still had no idea what I was in for.

Turns out, not only is the facility absolutely incredible and vibrating with energy, the food is phenomenal, the people are full of depth, and the speaker was exactly what I needed to hear.

Sharon Salzberg led us in deep discussions about compassion and love and kindness and tied it up in a nice package of meditation.

There is nothing better than getting an epiphany about something that’s been buzzing around in our heads. That’s exactly what I got. I realized that I’ve been associating doing  with being kind. I’ve gotten myself in a situation where I’m doing too much and now I’m drained. In the midst of all of this, hearing Sharon say that we can’t be giving if our vessel isn’t full, I had this realization. As much as I love to give, and I love to help out, if I end up doing more because I feel obligated, than I’m not giving from a good place. If I’m not doing things out of a place that feels good to me it certainly isn’t going to be good for anyone else.

I have known this intellectually, I know that. But something about the way she worded it, totally put me in a place of empowerment. Yes! That’s it! Because I love to give. Me giving isn’t the problem! But when the intention is to ‘make up for someone else,’ that’s not true giving, and that’s why it doesn’t feel right. A ha!

 

By the way, if you’re needing a place to replenish your body mind and spirit, check out 1440. It is truly amazing. I can’t wait to go back!!

Fresh New Year 2018

Ahhhh! There are few things I love more than starting a fresh new, blank chapter. An unlined, crisp, white papered chapter just gleaming with morning dew and ready for me to dip my brush in it.

Ah!

That being said,…wow. Can you believe it’s 2018???! What a crazy year full of learning and growing and the absolute unexpected last year was. Ha! I am grateful for the trials and tears and growth but I must say, I am so so so ready to start this new year. Last year proved to be far more difficult and immerse than I would have ever guessed. But I have the power to figure out why and make the changes necessary for this year.

Every New Years, my hubby and I rent a cabin in Idyllwild for 4 days and work through everything from the year prior and bring what we want into the fresh new year.  We create lists of all we experienced, the learning from it, old beliefs that no longer serve us, and anything else that needs to be healed. We talk and cry and discuss for hours. Then the magic begins… We spend the next half of our visit creating the year the way WE WANT IT.

What feelings do we want to experience?
What new experiences do we want to have?
What are the intentions we have for this new year?
I have learned that if we create everyday with INTENTION, we get closer to what it is we really want.

My favorite realization over this New Years visit was that our habits, priorities and intentions need to be aligned in order for us to create the life we want. If one of those is off, life becomes a lot harder and usually we end up not where we want. Ah!

I am so ready for this year, and so ready to dive in to the unknown, even when it’s not always fun or easy. My intentions will guide the way, and part of that is writing more frequently on this blog. Yesss.

I am sending everyone lots of love and light…., and I hope that you’re all ready to move full force into this new year as well!

xo Jax

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑