Tag: belief

Endless Loop?

Wow… It’s been OVER a month since I created a blog post. I can’t even believe it. I knew May was going to be full, and it was. I am just starting to get myself back on a schedule, an even better one, but I can’t believe  it’s been over a month. Sheesh!

Though I’m learning a lot  about myself every day, I’m aware that I don’t feel quite as confident as I would like. Even after all these years of growth and change, and new decisions, and speaking my truth, there are still voices that  show up in my head vicious and irritated.
Wishing that I was:
something different,
something more,
better,
faster,
more involved,
less involved,
more confident,
more of a fighter,
more social,
better in groups,
enough.
That still happens, and I can see my pattern. I can see where the blame and shame shows up, where I feel disgusted at myself, and where I feel like I would be enough if I just pushed a little harder.

I recently had a discussion about this sort of thing with my sister in law. And the question is; what if I don’t need to PUSH harder? Why do I always assume that if something is happening that I don’t like, that it’s my JOB to WORK HARDER to get where I want to go, or get a relationship to where I want it to be?

I don’t know.

I guess that was the way I was raised, right? That our job is to spin our wheels pushing fighting, pounding until we FIX it. Until we beat it to death, whatever it is. It’s so funny writing that out, because it’s not at all how I live my life, and not at all how I would want my kids to feel. And yet, there it is. The feeling that I am not enough and that I MUST exhaust every morsel of my being, and even then there is probably something wrong with me.

What if life gets to be easier than that? More at ease? Even though I resonate far more with ease, there is still a part of me that feels I need to push, jab, fight to move forward.

Maybe this is just a rambling post of me feeling lost and searching once again for a glimmer of my personal power. How no matter how much work we may do on ourselves, the mean self talk can still show up. And something I’m not even AWARE that the voice has stepped into my head.

I just start believing it.

My husband just told me earlier today that he loves every part of me. It  made me so sad, that we can so easily offer that to people we love,  but it is so hard to do for ourselves. Every part of ME? I mean, I accept more parts than I used to. I am grateful for more than I used to be. But there is still a lot of judgement voices. EVERY part of me? How wonderful that would be to just know who I am and accept and love myself fully. Is that even possible? Or is it an endless loop of feeling like we get close and then finding another issue/quirk/problem/mistake/flaw that we need to lean in to offering love to? Are we doing this when we are 90 no matter what? Or is there a way to get to the point of loving all of it?

I have to remember that even though I feel immersed in emotions and negative self talk, that doesn’t mean I am not growing and learning and moving forward. It doesn’t mean I am backpedaling or stuck, or incapable or wrong. It means maybe that there is another level that I can work through to be a better version of me.

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Coming to Terms With My Past

Working through it,

learning,

growing,

discovering,..

and then beginning to understand how it all fits together.

The things I did, the things I didn’t.

The parts I wanted to hide, the pieces I did hide for way too long.

It’s all part of the journey. The whole time I played with this piece I was thinking about that concept, and once again, coming to terms with my past.

So, that should probably be the title. 🙂 xo

 

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Manifesting Mother

It’s been a long time since I’ve actually written WRITTEN about my life and my lessons. I had an interesting experience a couple weeks ago that has been a total reset in my life.

Years ago I shared spiritual books with my mother about healing our bodies with our thoughts, visualizations, and focusing on what we appreciate to bring forth what we want in our lives. I remember being so excited to share these things with her. I bought her a book and assumed we would have long chats about it.

However,… it just didn’t stick.

She was in a different place in her life, and even though I was disappointed, I had to let go and let it be.

At the beginning of this year, something pretty amazing happened. My mother got a hold of a book that completely inspired her. She called me in a state of utter joy from the things she was learning about the Universe. All of a sudden, her life began to shift. She started visualizing a new place to live, trusting that it would come to her at the right moment. She began focusing on the parts of her life that she loves.

The words came to her when SHE needed to hear them, and they were written perfectly FOR HER.

Out of nowhere she found this incredible apartment, paid for the first month before her house even had thoughts of selling, and right away her life began taking off in new directionS. The amount of trust she had just blows me away.

Fast forward a couple months, she is in this perfect cabiny apartment with hiking trails around the back, an amazing view, horses in the front, the opportunity to swim in a salt water pool, new, spiritual friends coming out of the woodwork, and the incredible belief that the Universe has her back.

It’s funny, though these have been my beliefs for quite some time, I was getting off track like we all do. I felt tired a lot and was back and forth exhausting my thoughts with things that aren’t working instead of inspiring myself with what is.

Visiting her, and experiencing the magic that just surrounded her wherever she went, was exactly the medicine I needed.

Here I was attempting to TEACH her years ago, and she ends up being the missing piece for me.

Being in her little cabin brought chills to my arms. It is so absolutely HER that I felt like I was in a movie. Wow!

I came home with a new zest for life.  A new clarity that the Universe always has our back, and that appreciating where we are now and expecting even more gifts, is what it is all about.

I am so inspired, and love how I am constantly guided to experience exactly what I need at all times.

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Me Being Me

Wow. My head is literally bursting with so many ideas of new things I want to create and try and experiment with, and FEEL! I am jotting down notes and sketches constantly but am having trouble keeping up!

Though I am consistently inspired by life and everything in it, I sometimes forget that what I create naturally, without even thinking, IS my true nature, and IT. IS. ENOUGH. I AM ENOUGH.

It seems like the human condition is the fear that we aren’t enough exactly as who we are. This inner belief that life SHOULD be a struggle, life SHOULD be hard, and if it’s not, well, then… we are just LAZY.

This is how I have felt about art (among everything else in my life). If I wasn’t IN PAIN while working, and so confused and anguished about the project, I would discount it. That’s why a lot of my work wasn’t ‘my work,’ it was stupid little mindless doodles that I couldn’t stop. I convinced myself to feel ashamed that I NEEDED to draw, to create. And that because I feel relaxed and full of joy when the pen takes over and my head stops thinking, that must mean… I AM LAZY and my creations are a waste of time.

So I am starting out this year, aware of my past beliefs related to struggle and ease. I’m going to allow myself to be in utter bliss creating what naturally comes from me, where I don’t think at all about the outcome. I am going to do it without judgement. Maybe this is art as well…. Me being me, just like it is for you to be fully and truthfully and unswayingly YOU.

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SOUL

Ah! I’m back! 2 vacations, so much change personally, and now here I am. It feels like a lifetime ago that I actually sat down to WRITE. There is so many cool leanings and inspirations and aha moments that I WANT to jot down here, but I need to remember to chill out. I don’t need to do it all in one day. I’ve got time. As long as I’m being dedicated and diligent, there is always time. So… what do I write about first?

*******DRUMROLL*****

Ooooo! I know! This is something that I have AVOIDED writing about on this blog. It just wasn’t the right time to open up freely about it. See, that’s another lesson I’ve learned.

Even when I’m excited about something, that doesn’t mean it’s the right time, space, or place to talk about it. HA! Sounds like such a simple realization but it’s huge. I’m usually bursting like a volcano with news, so it takes a lot to HOLD BACK. Which is exactly what I’ve done.

I haven’t written much about my step kids. I don’t know why exactly, but here goes. My step son is this amazing techie kid that has this incredible brain for computers. However the PUBLIC schools he’s been in have not been helpful. He doesn’t learn by sitting still and taking notes. I can’t stand that they keep trying to get him to comply, to be more like him, to learn in the ways that they teach. I’ve known public school wasn’t working for him for awhile, and it’s been devastating to watch him time and time again struggle not only with the work in school but seeing his self worth take such a toll as well.

If he were my SON (my actually son son) I would have changed his school years ago, but because he’s not exactly, I had felt like my voice just didn’t have a chance. Two years ago my husband and I attempted to move him into a different school, but his mother wouldn’t have it. I was broken-hearted. I had done so much work on finding an environment that would (hopefully) work better for him. But she flat out refused. It took me a long time to work through that.

Fast forward to this year. We went at things very differently. My hubby and I have both changed in so many ways, and one of them has been to become much more firm in what we believe. But be able to do it in a loving, kind way. We were able to have a conversation with my son’s mom, and she finally HEARD. I can’t believe she finally got it, after all these years! And the funny thing is, is that we had thought SHE was the problem. In reality, we were all involved in the dynamic. It’s taken us growing into who we are to be able to stand strong, that provided the foundation for her to say ‘Okay lets move him.’

After 4 months of meditation and prayers and research and phone calls, and many many many school visits, I was constantly wavering between anxiety, and stress and fear that she would change her mind or that we wouldn’t find the right school and he’d have to just go back to where he was last year. I put a lot on my shoulders, probably more than I should. It felt very personal to me because I had also felt misunderstood in my time in school. So I think little Jackie was getting a chance to possibly be healed as well.

But then, in the middle of all of it, a miracle happened.

We got a small lead of a new school opening up called SOUL Charter School. It was like a little crack in a window pane, something I could have ignored, but I didn’t. Instead, I thought, ‘What the heck, what do we have to lose? Lets check it out. With a name like SOUL, this has to at least be interesting.’
So I brought up the website.

All at once I saw in front of me exactly what my hubby and I had STATED we wanted for our son. There it was plain as day. Ah!!! And! They were ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS FOR 7TH GRADE. Just like that it was there in front of us, just what we wanted. So I filled out the application right away and crossed my fingers.

After attending the parent meeting and talking to the co-founders, we were both buzzing. The schools intention is to focus not only on teaching academics, but also on EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE, SOCIAL SKILLS, AND PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT. They even have courses on becoming an ENTREPRENEUR. Woa. What if school doesn’t need to be a horrible place where everyone feels mistreated and misunderstood? What if it can inspire the joy of learning and teach inclusion and taking risks and that we all have unique talents? This is what the founders talked about! Ah!

This was it. We both knew it, but we had one more hurdle. The ex-wife needed to be on board. Besides the fact that I was completely bursting at the seams with so much joy, I had to keep it under rap. I had to keep it logical. So my hubby and I wrote up straight information for his ex-wife. I actually left out my emotion, can you believe it? ahahhaha It was a really hard exercise. We wrote it up and sent it off.

I felt sick and scared and a little hopeful. Well, a lot hopeful but that was only from the constant meditations and feeling that we had the Universe on our side.

Anyway, we were visualizing her wanting this school. We were visualizing and feeling how nice it would be to have some ease where we weren’t convincing her of anything.

And then it happened. She said, “I think SOUL is the way to go. Can we get him into that one?”

I can’t even describe the feelings I had when my husband told me those words. I just cried. All this time and energy and years and pain and knowing without a doubt that something needed to done, all of it FINALLY PAID OFF. We will now be able to do this.

I don’t think it’s sunk in even yet. I feel so so so very honored and grateful for this opportunity to be involved in a new school with an entirely different message and focus. To have a curriculum that can be tweaked for every student with teachers that genuinely want kids to love learning. And we get to do this, together. I have so much respect for my sons mom, that she trusted us enough to do the research and that she’s willing to give up control and take a risk. Because anything that we don’t have all the answers to is a risk.

So I just have to say this: If anyone in your family lives in the San Diego area and is struggling in a regular public school, and you don’t know where to turn, please check this out. The school is starting with 7th and 9th grade, but each year they will be adding a grade, so it’ll ultimately be a 7th-12th grade school. There is still space available! Ah!! There are still parent nights and space for your kids. I think we owe it to them to have a place where they feel celebrated and validated and want to learn more about themselves and the world.

Here is the website below if you’re interested:

http://soulcharterschool.org/
https://www.facebook.com/soulcharterschool/

 

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