FOCUS pocus

Hello everyone!

Wow…. can’t believe October is already beginning. Life is moving so quickly.

I have committed to finishing things I start, and handling all of the elements for my art business. I know I have complained a lot about some of these tasks, but… I am doing them!

I am feeling capable!

I am seeing myself transform and it is FROM ME!

So here is something I learned a week ago that is really really helping me. When there is a task that I am not excited to do, I can trick myself into getting way more done anyway. I set my timer for a short amount of time.  It can be 30 minutes, or 20 or even 5. Lez be honest, sometimes 30 minutes seems way too long. But the cool thing is I am getting these incredible moments of being hyper FOCUSED on what I want to work on. It’s amazing how much I can get accomplished in such a short period of time.

Does anyone out there also struggle with focus? I’d love to hear your tricks to getting things done.

Anyway, I’m really proud of myself and am loving feeling like I can do anything I focus on. Yessss!

Girls Girls Girls

I was chilling on my yoga mat on Saturday morning, right before class started. Heat began flooding into the room, and it was filling up with lots of fellow yogis.

There was a girl next to me minding her own business, like most of us. But something about her made me realize something.

Girls are so funny. I mean not all of them, but a good portion of us are. We tend to be so competitive. I know I have been. Wanting to be acknowledged by them, maybe seen as the best or better, wanting to prove something.

And yet, in this crazy world right now, with all these women’s marches, etc. it’s obvious we are craving more women connection.

But can we do it?

Maybe I’m speaking only for myself. I am very aware that some of my girlfriends (especially my sister in law) meet other women with a pure open heart. She’s warm and makes eye contact and is truly waiting to connect.

I say I want the same thing as well, and yet if I’m totally honest about myself right now, I don’t really put it out there to women I don’t already know. I think I probably still operate out of the fear of not being enough, so I don’t always make eye contact, or smile the way that I could. It hasn’t been my intention to put other people at ease. It’s not that I don’t care, but it’s just not on my mind. I have been more concerned with HOW I AM PERCEIVED.

Now that I really look at it, it makes me sad to be that way.

I know I can change this, but it makes me curious, where did it start?

I have heard that women have been competitive with other women since the beginning of time. When we were a bunch of hulking cave women and needed to make sure no other burly cave woman was going to steal our caveman. Maybe that’s true, or maybe it’s just been learned through society.

We all know the mean girls in school.

I was never one of those. In fact, I was the girl that would take a scared newbie under my wing, and invite them to sit with me. But I certainly had felt like I wasn’t good enough for certain girl groups, and that made me steer clear of many of them. Don’t girls gossip and one up each other? At least that was what I was used to, and I did attract some really mean ones for a long time.

I am sure many of you may have also gone through a bitchy gossipy stage like I did as well. It felt better (at the time) to put down other women then actually feel my own feelings about my inadequacies. That didn’t last long, and I’m definitely not there now.

Also, for some reason if I saw a girl that I thought was prettier than me or more talented, I have assumed that she was a snob or that she was really better than me. So I wouldn’t go out of my way to connect. This isn’t fair to her at all, and I want to change it.

What I would prefer is to NOT jump into a place of being competitive, or assuming that I’m not on someone’s level.

I want to be MORE open and loving, and ready to connect with all women, recognizing that no matter what someone looks like, they are still going through difficult things in their life that they don’t have answers to.

I want to remember that we aren’t all that different.

I want to fully invest in being a really awesome friend to all women, even ones that I will never be close to.

It’s my goal starting today to make eye contact with everyone, everywhere I go, and send them all love. I am going to be the one that smiles and says ‘hello’ first, and has compassion when someone doesn’t say it back. Because I get it. Females can be strange, but we have protected ourselves long enough. It’s time to have each other’s back.

Productive waste of time

Here I am, Monday morning so grateful to be home after an extremely packed weekend at Disneyland. If I were to ask my heart what it wants to do, it would say DRAW! CREATE! PAINT! That is seriously all I want to do. It would probably be wrapped up in emotions and tears and these huge beautiful epiphanies. And yet there is still this silly little part of me that thinks, ‘Noooo that sounds too great, maybe you should find things that need to be CLEANED! FIXED! WORKED ON! Things that don’t make you happy, but make you feel PRODUCTIVE.’

There’s that word, productive.

I remember for years,hoping and wishing and praying and basing everything on FEELING PRODUCTIVE. It had NOTHING to do with if I was HAPPY or RELISHING or GRATEFUL or USING MY GIFTS.

What good is feeling PRODUCTIVE if you aren’t actually accomplishing anything that really matters to you. Just the feeling of PRODUCTIVITY doesn’t mean you’re living your passion, or on your path. To me, many times it can be running in circles very fast just so I feel like I’m kicking my ass. It doesn’t actually mean I’m

DOING ANYTHING WORTHWHILE.

How’s that for weirdness? Is this what we WANT?

What does PRODUCTIVE mask for you? For me, it would hide the fact that I was uncomfortable,

or felt incompetent,

or that I couldn’t say no

or stand up for myself.

I was really good at hiding all of those super yucky feelings under a thick blanket of PRODUCTIVE.

I guess this is just one more thing I’m working on. I love the feeling of starting new projects and finishing them, setting goals of things that I actually really care about. I’m saying no to staying BUSY out of FEAR of facing reality.

 

 

 

 

Have I? Have I? Have I?

No matter what I used to do with my time, I’d never feel like I did enough. Anyone ever experience that?

And it was so silly because even if I had a specific LIST of what I wanted to ACCOMPLISH and lets say I did everything on that list, at the end of the day, I still had this nagging feeling of not doing enough, not being enough, not.. ENOUGH.

It’s interesting, where did that start? Are we taught this? Are some of us taught that? All of us? Did society do this? Does it stem from a deeply rooted belief that we AREN’T ENOUGH? That our core isn’t okay? That our decisions with HOW we spend our time isn’t quite right?

And even that, where did it start? Is it not trusting our intuition with what we need when we need it, and constantly feeling like we need to check in with others to see if

WE ARE OKAY,

IF WE ARE ENOUGH?

As you can probably see, I like to dig for the answers. I want to KNOW.

Anyway, I may never know THE ANSWER,

but I’m starting to just take the pressure off myself a bit more everyday, and I think part of that is because I’m embracing

Who. I. Am.

FINALLY!!

I realized, that regardless of my LIST, if I can spend more time in the moment, whatever that looks like to me, at the end of the day I feel more FULFILLED and less anxious about not ACCOMPLISHING ENOUGH.

Thank Gawd for that. Because what’s the point of life anyway? I’d like to think it’s to be happy and have peace and joy and play and growth, and truly be able to RELISH all of it, eat it with a spoon, gulp it down, with tears rolling down my cheeks,

FEEL ALL OF IT.

LIVE ALL OF IT.

 

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