Finished!

After a bunch more hours and hundreds of new lines,.. I am finished! I really enjoyed making this piece. In hindsight there were probably much quicker ways to get the same results but that’s okay! Trial and error, right? I’m liking the contracting colors but it’d be fun to put into Photoshop and change everything up. Hmmm!!

Schedule Emotional Drains?

Wow! What a weekend! This is the first one in a long time that actually FELT like a weekend. Know what I mean?

Sometimes we have these ridiculously stressful weeks and then convince ourselves that the weekend will be the time to finally really relax, and yet it becomes just another couple of days where we are running around stressed out chasing the feeling of relief.

This has been a huge part of my life lately. My hubby and I have had some pretty stressful, exhausting things going on with the kids and his ex-wife. So we have done what any concerned, aware, loving parents would do,..

we’ve talked about it obsessively.

I think in my head, I felt that if we aren’t talking about the issues over and over and over again until they are SOLVED, then we must be:

Living under a rock

Hiding

Avoiding

Afraid.

So,.. I pushed it. All the time, with no break. Anytime we saw each other we would start talking about these extremely heavy, exhausting PROBLEMS, ISSUES.

Isn’t that what we are supposed to do? 

But they didn’t get any better. I realized that I was so drained, emotionally, mentally and physically, but

THE ISSUES STILL REMAINED. 

I started to not feel particularly close to my hubby. I didn’t feel at all at peace. I didn’t feel full of energy, and I wasn’t noticing things I am grateful for.

Once we both discussed our feelings about all of this,

something magical happened.

We got a fuckin’ BRILLIANT idea. I think it’s the best we have had all year.

If talking about certain things is exhausting, and yet to some extent we still need to do it, why not create a schedule where it’s okay to do it in?

So here’s the deal: We decided that Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from 5pm -6pm is our talk time about the difficult stuff.

NO MORE THAN THAT. 

Can I even tell you what this has done to our lives! We have only been doing it for 5 days, and all ready I feel like a completely different person. I am lighter and happier and more joyful and so so grateful! I feel like I have my wonderful relationship back to where it was.

And I realized something else.

Before, I felt like if I WASN’T talking about the difficult stuff 24/7, then I was avoiding. But now, since there is a PLAN, a SYSTEM, I don’t feel that way at all!

I feel in control of my life.

So this situation reminded me that I am in control. It’s MY happiness, it’s MY joy, it’s MY life. I can make choices on when and who I want to discuss personal stuff with. And so far, I must say our schedule is

LIFE CHANGING.

This weekend was unbelievably connecting and fun and playful and open and I am so in love. We gave ourselves a much needed EMOTIONAL BREAK! Yesssssssssssssss!!

Sooooo grateful for intuition!!

Happy Monday! xo

Michael Kagan

I just so happened to be browsing through Instagram when I found this frickin’ cool ass artist. He does a lot of mountainesque paintings, and a lovely large collection of astronauts, among other things. He’s very painterly, and his brush strokes are jagged up close and yet very refined far away. I love how so many different colors show up in his work. It feels very detailed and yet sort of blurry and pixelated, like a dream.

Check it out: http://www.michaelkagan.com/

So much to do so much time

In this crazy, buzzy world it’s been so easy to get anxious about TIME.  The day is moving away from me, I didn’t get this done or that or that or that! How frickin’ mind boggling! The day would leave me gasping for breath, unfunctionable and drained.

I’m looking in my art journal right now and it’s full of designs, doodles to try on a larger scale, tiny pen marks that excite me and make me hungry to create. Now, in the past I would see this as something I need to do NOW. RIGHT NOW. LIKE NOW NOW.

But really, the more that I spend time MAKING WORK, the more TIME I realize it actually takes for each piece to make it the way I want it.

The more that I am starting to

CHILL THE FUCK OUT.

Like seriously. I thought I was a pretty chill laid back chic before, but that was only because it was when I was relaxed that I was even aware. I have NOT been relaxed in my life. I’ve been a HARD CORE, FINGER PICKING, STRESS FACE. And you know what, it’s not that great. I didn’t feel great about myself. I didn’t feel strong or magical or at peace. AT all. So I’m not gunna do it anymore.

What is the most loving thing I can do for myself.

Make some fuckin art.

Productive waste of time

Here I am, Monday morning so grateful to be home after an extremely packed weekend at Disneyland. If I were to ask my heart what it wants to do, it would say DRAW! CREATE! PAINT! That is seriously all I want to do. It would probably be wrapped up in emotions and tears and these huge beautiful epiphanies. And yet there is still this silly little part of me that thinks, ‘Noooo that sounds too great, maybe you should find things that need to be CLEANED! FIXED! WORKED ON! Things that don’t make you happy, but make you feel PRODUCTIVE.’

There’s that word, productive.

I remember for years,hoping and wishing and praying and basing everything on FEELING PRODUCTIVE. It had NOTHING to do with if I was HAPPY or RELISHING or GRATEFUL or USING MY GIFTS.

What good is feeling PRODUCTIVE if you aren’t actually accomplishing anything that really matters to you. Just the feeling of PRODUCTIVITY doesn’t mean you’re living your passion, or on your path. To me, many times it can be running in circles very fast just so I feel like I’m kicking my ass. It doesn’t actually mean I’m

DOING ANYTHING WORTHWHILE.

How’s that for weirdness? Is this what we WANT?

What does PRODUCTIVE mask for you? For me, it would hide the fact that I was uncomfortable,

or felt incompetent,

or that I couldn’t say no

or stand up for myself.

I was really good at hiding all of those super yucky feelings under a thick blanket of PRODUCTIVE.

I guess this is just one more thing I’m working on. I love the feeling of starting new projects and finishing them, setting goals of things that I actually really care about. I’m saying no to staying BUSY out of FEAR of facing reality.

 

 

 

 

Erin Gregory

Just hangin’ out checking my Instagram, (okay I may officially be addicted) and I came across this lovely artist.

She does a lot of huge floral pieces with oils and acrylics. Usually I’m not a floral girl, but her work feels very raw and wild, despite it being lovely bouquets. I love the organic, passionate, painterly feel.

Check it out! http://www.efgart.com/

Precious again

I just finished the previous ‘precious’ blog post, and then I realized..

I. Have. More. To. Write.

This whole concept of PRECIOUS fits for all areas of life, not just making art! I hadn’t recognized that before, but it’s true. If anything in our lives is TOO PRECIOUS, that we feel we need to BE CAREFUL, we will never let it blossom into what it’s here to be.

This is a funny realization because just a couple of days ago I had written in my art journal about never wanting anyone to BE CAREFUL WITH ME. I love passionate, honest, raw interactions, and I never ever ever want someone to feel like they need to HANDLE ME WITH CARE, as if I will break.

Maybe part of what life is about is loving ourselves enough that we welcome honesty and surround ourselves with people that will speak the truth to us in a loving, respectful way.

Since I am this mother now, (I feel more and more like a mom even in my stepmom status) I usually think about how all of my learnings effect the kids in our lives. Teaching them to not need people to TIPTOE AROUND THEM, TREAD LIGHTLY, SPEAK HALF TRUTHS.

Don’t we want our kids to embrace the realness they see in others, desire honesty, and learn from mistakes? Then we need to be willing to do the same.

Finally the rain has stopped! The sun is already shining and all I want to do is be outside. I think I’m going to take my paper and pens and draw OUT THERE. I’ve been dying for Vitamin D.

I was working on this new thing yesterday, and I have no idea how it’ll turn out. I think the NOT KNOWING is what used to cause me a lot of anxiety before. That’s probably why I just drew in my art journal so I wouldn’t have to feel the feelings of heading in the wrong direction or making a mistake. Oh the pain of

MAKING A MISTAKE.

 

But now for some reason, I’m enjoying the newness, the curiosity!

Oh! And I’ve realized something.

In order for us (all of us) to make work. Probably any kind of work, we can’t see it as precious. We can’t see it as the best thing we have ever done and that it must be regarded with extreme care and tip toed around.

We have to be willing to take risks, and listen to those hits of intuition. If what we make is TOO SPECIAL and PRECIOUS it causes us to be TOO scared we will mess it up.

If we see everything as just play and curiosity, and we know we are constantly evolving our work, our life, then it’s not PRECIOUS, never to be recreated achievements,.. it’s just mirrors of our creativity that we allow to fall where they may.

Just another rant from me.

I’m going to make some very NON-precious work. ha!

 

Okay you do it, thank you!

Helloooooo Monday! Oh my gosh you should see the RAIN! It seriously won’t stop. I feel both amazing and a little like I’m over it. We usually get like 4 days a year of this kind of thing, but this year the rain HAS. NOT. STOPPED. It’s almost like we live in the Midwest or something. Sheesh!

Okay so I was in the studio this morning, after having made the decision to CUT into my humongous 140 lb. hot press watercolor paper. Yes, now is the time. It’s glorious thick paper, and I want to use it!

Anyway.  I was sitting out there on my hands and knees with my X-acto knife and my pencil and trying to measure this 6 foot paper with a t-square (which is a horrible idea on the ground, aka doesn’t work). And I realized something.

20170227_110310.jpg

I hate cutting.

I do. I mean I really hate it. I don’t ever get it straight. I hardly understand rulers to begin with.

I start sweating.

I get annoyed.

I just want it to be over. Ahhhahasdolrihaeksfv nalkdergn!!!!!!

This. Is. So. Stressful!!!!!!

 

Then I suddenly thought,’I WONDER IF SOMEONE CAN DO THIS FOR ME??’

Whhhhhat!!? It’s like the heavens opened up

I used to ALWAYS think I need to do everything on my own, but not anymore! If we are all geniuses at something, why not use other people’s genius to get us where we wanna be, right?

So here’s the deal, I’m taking my big ass role of expensive paper over to Fed EX, and THEY are cutting it for me!

Ha!! This is the best decision I’ve made this year.

Now I can get back to making art. Yesssss!

 

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