Category: Uncategorized

Quarantine Lessons

Yes, I know, it’s been so long since I wrote anything on here. It’s hard to believe how different life was just a couple of months ago, and it just keeps getting more and more bizarre. I’m sure all of you are at home quarantining as well, and I know there is a lot of anxiety and fear in the air.

What are the lessons you’ve learned so far? I get it. I know most people don’t think about the lessons when they are right in the middle of chaos, but they always provides me a sort of raft so I don’t mentally go underwater.

Here is what I’ve learned so far:

  1. As difficult as keeping a schedule can be, I can see the benefits now more than ever. Making sure I am creating time to do the things I want to do (and have been needing to do), makes me feel more in control of my life in the times when there isn’t much I am actually in control of.
  2. All the times I’ve taken for granted being able to BUY whatever I wanted at anytime, and it would appear on my doorstep a day later. It’s much harder now, and I trust that when the time comes that I can actually visit stores, or order whatever I want online, I’ll be much more grateful.
  3. Do things now that we imagine! It’s so easy to put things off, so easy! And yet, here we are living in a crazy world where we CAN’T just get done what we want, or receive services we would like, or finish projects we started. This is a huge lesson for me. If it’s in my head, take the jump and get out there. We never know when life won’t be so easy to make things happen.
  4. Being more in the moment. Because we aren’t buzzing around in our cars, and staying busy every second, the only option is to slow down and notice LIFE AROUND US. I know for years society has taught us that the only way we can feel good about ourselves is if we are ACCOMPLISHING and PUSHING and RUNNING IN CIRCLES. It’s pretty ironic that we can’t do any of that now. So instead of pushing against what is happening, I am leaning in to the quiet, and the slow.
  5. This is the perfect time to be creative!  And really, maybe it’s always been the PERFECT TIME, but life got in the way before. Now, there is NO excuse. Life is on hold so our creative lives can catch up. That is exciting!
  6. Mindless shopping and even social events can be a great distraction from what we are FEELING, and a way to procrastinate what we want in our lives. We no longer have those options, so I’m definitely looking at my own distractions differently. I can choose to be aware of how I live my life and what I want out of it. I can live intentionally, even in this crazy pandemic.
  7. Having intentions everyday helps me feel good about what I am doing and where I am headed. Since intentions are a mental awareness, they don’t need to depend on anything outside of us. This is a great reminder that I can still feel at peace, productive, share love, and feel creative, regardless of what is going on in the world.

I know there are a lot more lessons out there, but I’m starting with these 7. I hope everyone else is learning and growing as well. We will come out of this stronger. We will get through this together.

 

 

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Parenting Manifesto

Oh my gosh have you guys seen this? Maybe I am late to the game, but I just stumbled on this a couple weeks back. New plan! I’m going to print this (or write it up myself) for the house. What a wonderful way to live and parent. Ahhhh! I love love love it, and every time I read it, it makes me cry. I’d love to hear your thoughts… .xo Jax

parentingmanifesto

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Habit Bull

Hello everyone!

Ahhhh wow, another year is already in full swing. I’m so curious how everyone’s YEAR is feeling so far. I’m surprised that ours started with a bang. It seems like we have been going going going. I’m sure there is a lesson in there somewhere. It feels like this endless cycle of running, and planning, and deciding, and jumping from one thing to the next.

Is anyone else feeling similar?

I wonder if it’s a societal experience that society as a whole is feeling? I am sure our SMART devices, though they are amazing, aren’t really helping us catch our breath, or feeling ‘as one’ or more connected to ourselves. And yet they are so damn addictive! Sheesh! I’m recognizing that there is nothing better than lying in a hot bath with my phone on the other side of the house. And yet, it takes a lot of PLANNING and FOCUS to do that. The habit is to have the phone right next to me most moments. This isn’t healthy, I can tell it’s not.

I know the phone habit thing is experienced by most people, and that it’s a habit to compare ourselves constantly to the phony overly photoshopped pics on Instagram, or the overly embellished stories on Facebook. So I’m going to do my part once again to mess with my phone LESS than I am right now. I feel better about myself with some space away from it. I get more done. I feel like I can HEAR my inner voice better, and it becomes louder. There are so many reasons to disconnect from the phone more often.

If anyone is interested in doing this as well, or if you have another habit you’d like to kick this year,
I found an app for it!
I actually got the app because I have a TERRIBLE habit of picking my fingers and my face. So NOW I can track when I follow through and when I let myself down. Even though I’ve only been doing it a little over a week, and have plenty of days where I haven’t left my fingers (or face) alone, I’m becoming more aware of how often I go to pick and what is going on right before I decide to do it. Aha! So finally this may be the ticket to overcoming some old not cool habits.

Yesssssssssss!

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Commitment

Dammit. It’s 5pm on a Monday and I am JUST SITTING DOWN TO WRITE A BLOG. ahsesorkajbaokenr!!!! Now that I finally understand what the word ‘commitment’ actually means, I’m doing my best to follow through.

And it sucks.

I mean it was much easier a couple months ago when I just moved through my life solely on my emotions. Oh I am sleepy, I don’t feel like doing what I said I would… or ‘oh I’m feeling overwhelmed, I guess it’s okay to cry in bed and do NOTHING ELSE.

But now (unfortunately) I have committed.

No one told me that WHEN I commit, I would actually have to do things sometimes that I don’t want to do. Huh.

Anyway, this is new territory for me.

I am used to letting myself down so it’s totally new that I have decided to follow through anyway.

I have committed.

Regardless of what time it is, or that my hubby is now home and wants to spend time with me. Or that I really want to curl up with my kittens and watch Manifest. I have committed to doing 3 blog posts, and that is what I will do.

There has been a series of crazy, tragic events over here lately, and I am recognizing more and more that no one can save us from ourselves.

Wow. I remember through the years as life wasn’t going the way I hoped/wished/thought it should, that I sorta expected something was just going to LAND on my lap to make everything better. Nothing ever did. And I still had a difficult time following through, finishing, and committing.

The reality is LIFE MOVES ON. Even if we have the coolest most vivid dreams in the world, NO ONE CAN SAVE US FROM FUCKING IT ALL UP.

And then I think back to all the many, many, many times that I thought it was my JOB to save other people. I saw friends/boyfriends/family as not ‘doing it right,’ and it became sorta my mission to help/explain/teach, even if they didn’t want it.

I’m so grateful to FINALLY FINALLY be getting it that:

  1. Everyone is on their own path. The best I can do it butt out and love them where they are.
  2. I’m on my path and anyone telling me how/what to do is an idiot and only basing their thoughts/expectations/point of view on THEIR life. That’s the only perspective we have anyway! HA! How hilarious is that?!
  3. I am the only person that can make my dreams come true and I am the ONLY person that can stop them from happening. It is ME, and ME only.

 

So there you go, life lessons from Jax.

I have committed! I truly believe that the more we COMMIT to something, the more we allow the universe space to bring gifts. Commitment gets the ball rolling, commitment is the key I was missing all along.

Okay have a great night! xo

 

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Goals Smoals

In the midst of a lot of movement these past 6 months, I have felt like I am just keeping my head above water. Literally. It’s like 4 or 5 different things have been in the works at a time.

What do you do when life is like this for you?

Sometimes I feel excited and ready. Other times after I’ve been buzzing all over the place, I feel like I am literally falling apart. It’s like I don’t have any energy to listen to another person, or write a blog, or even pick my clothes up.

This morning as I got up, I felt that way. Super emotional and overwhelmed. And it wasn’t that everything is a disaster and imploding. In fact it’s the opposite. This is the beginning of a whole new book for my husband and I. His work is finally in the process of completely transitioning, which is such incredible news.

I can see the goodness all around me, I know it’s there. But because of how busy and buzzy and emotional everything has been, I’m not feeling the joy yet. I need to feel the other parts first. The sadness, the endings, the relationships that suffered, the physical emotional mental energy that was extended, the strain on my relationship with my hubby, etc. It’s like before I’m ready to jump off the cliff and into the next book, I need to honor this one.

I need to apologize to my hubby for being snappy and shutting down.

I need to make amends with myself and some of my friends.

I need to give myself a big hug and tell myself it’s okay to be human. It’s okay to have a hard time. It’s so funny, isn’t it? You guys probably aren’t that different than me with this. I sense that I am depleted or sad or overwhelmed or even angry and then I get MAD at myself for that.

‘Jackie! What is wrong with you! You shouldn’t feel that way! Stop!’

How could me being MAD at myself for having emotions possibly bring me ANY CLARITY or PEACE or SELF LOVE at all? Why do we do this?

Now, I am getting better. I can at least recognize the voice AFTER it has spoken. I can hear it clearly and after the shock that I’ve ‘wronged myself again,’ has worn off, I shake my head. How is that HELPING ANYTHING???

The thing I really need is to love myself. I need to tell myself all the things I would want to tell my little child. That  it’s okay for me to be where I am, and that I just need to rest, and breathe, and love the parts that feel unlovable.

I know I want to start moving forward with a ton of goals. But maybe today isn’t the day. Maybe today is for a big cup of coffee and lots of tears and hugs and sadness and breathing through and knowing there are many many more days for goals coming up.

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Duh!

Oh my gosh! So I was talking to my sister this morning and describing a situation that had happened recently where I felt really unseen in my step-momming role. It’s been so hard in so many ways! Too often when people hear the word STEPMOM (dum dum dummmmmmmm) they assume it’s some woman hiding in the shadows with no opinion or is at least so emotionally disconnected from the kids that she doesn’t participate in any of their upbringing.

That’s exactly how my stepmom was!

But that’s not at all my experience!! Partly because the kids mom is so emotionally void, and communication deficient, I came in to MAKE UP FOR HER. In so many ways it’s been extremely dis-empowering.

One day maybe I’ll write a  book about what I’ve learned. 

But for now …. what if I find other women like me and create a support group? I mean, why not? I would have benefited so much from a group of women that aren’t gathering to BASH their husbands or the ex–wife’s, but to actively work together to find solutions.

I know that for me, I have started to feel much better about myself since changing my definition of my role.

Maybe there are women out there that need this group. Woa. I’ve often wondered why I’ve gone through all of this. Maybe I can help people after all…

There has got to be women out there that are in similar situations and want to feel more empowered, more IN CONTROL of their lives.

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Boundaries Are For,…

The ones who want to make a freakin’ huge change in their lives! ha

Happy Monday!

Wow I can’t believe it’s already Monday again and the month of August is moving right along. Sheesh…. It seems like so long ago thinking back to last year at this time…. Getting Brian into a new school and preparing to do 3 hours of driving a day. Just to get him into a better environment. I was so willing to do whatever it took. Though I’m grateful I was like that, grateful I put everything aside for that, let me tell you, I am so happy for the lessons I have learned.

I know I wrote a post a couple weeks ago about staying in my own lane and not jumping in to FIX situations/people/experiences, etc. And since then, I’ve really chilled the f*** out.

Not that life has gotten easier by any means, but I feel LESS RESPONSIBLE, and have been pretty good at reminding myself of the boundaries I need to keep FOR ME so I can show up the best for myself and others.

It’s such a funny thing this boundary thing. It’s not about other people (since unfortunately we can’t control them anyway), it’s about ME. I have to stop MYSELF from doing things out of HABIT that I will later regret.

I am the only one in charge of creating the life I want.

 

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Crisis

In a flash my reality as I have known it has changed. In an instant what I thought I knew about my life and the people in it has vanished, and I realize I am in the middle of a crisis. Now, it’s funny with crisis’s, we think they happen all at once. It does feel that way, and yet usually it’s because we finally see the whole story all at once like a million blazing lights. Were we just ready to finally see the truth? The truth that has been sitting on the bleachers this whole time waiting to be seen?

As I sit here after having spent many hours replaying events, trying to FIGURE out reasons, and meanings, and researching help, I am faced with an interesting question.

Where do you go when there’s a crisis?

When everything you thought you knew is suddenly bubbling all over the ceiling? When you feel like you must keep yourself busy but exhaustion hits?

That’s where I am right now, and I am grateful. I always know there is a lesson, I just have to open my eyes wide enough to see it. I KNOW it’s there, hidden in the shadows waiting for me to find it.

In this case, I think I know part of my lesson. And it is MY lesson. It was gently placed here in my lap for me to unwrap, uncover, and grow from. I can feel it inside my body, I know what this is. Here in front of me is the realization that I must make better boundaries. That I must make myself #1.

I have known this, as we all do in some way or another, but with this particular situation, being a step mom to kids whose mother is on the spectrum, I am constantly, constantly doing more than I should. I am keeping myself way beyond responsible for everything, and expecting her to do nothing.

I am putting the kids in front of me, and then my husband, and I am cramping up big time.

Why do I feel like it’s all my job to do alone?

If there hadn’t been an impulsion in these last couple of days, I would just keep doing and expecting that I must KEEP DOING.

But now I see what I am doing to myself, my heart, my soul, my body, my exhausted mind. I must slow down. I must allow space between what is in front of me and what I keep DOING.
I can no longer keep juggling, so that other people can step up.

 

The funny thing is is that I feel great for awhile when I buzz around handling it.

I feel accomplished!
I feel like a winner!
I feel like I have a purpose.
I feel loved and valued!

I knew there had to be reasons for all of this, and there is. I do get something out of it. To pretend that I don’t would be a lie. I can’t keep running in circles taking other peoples’ responsibilities over so I can feel like enough. I am not saving anyone anyway, and I am drowning.

So here I am inside of a crisis where I must matter more than all of them. I must take care of me first so I can even make a suggestion of what to do or where to go. I must create boundaries and allow others to fumble with figuring out the next move. I can do this, and I will.

At the end of the day, it’s my sanity on the line. It’s my joy that is being threatened, and it’s my peace that I’ve gladly been trading. I have done that to MYSELF. It was not done to me.

It is my job to turn it around.

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