Creating a Life I love Through Art
I’ve been working on this piece for awhile now, and I’m relishing every moment. When I start feeling like I need to hurry it up, I remind myself ‘what am I doing this for?’ Do I want to rush through what I absolutely love doing? How is that going to be the best thing for me? So I’m soaking in creation and trusting that it’ll be finished when it’s supposed to be finished. Ahhhhhh
Whatever we need will be brought to us.
Whatever we are ready to learn, we will hear.
I woke up this morning with a strong realization that I have been a victim. I don’t mean the victim that has gotten her purse stolen or had some creepy dude yell something out from across the street.
I mean like a life victim. It’s funny because I know people that are total victims and I can smell them a mile away. The complaints and the whines can drive me insane and I’ve figured that I am so much different. I am so much more evolved.
And then I woke up seeing the truth.
My inner voice: Ah shit. (feeling like a slap in the face) I’m a victim.
I’ll admit, sometimes I feel like I can’t do it, can’t figure it out, can’t make it through, feel stuck. It’s a thick mucusy sensation like bobbing in the middle of the ocean without a life preserver. And the thing that’s funny/sad is that I didn’t even REALIZE it. I mean I had mild sprinkling doses of it, but I didn’t REALIZE that my LIFE has been splattered with it. Wow. How did this even happen???
So I’d give off this ‘poor me’ vibe, which we all know is ultra sexy, and my truly sexy hubby would come running.
He tried to help by offering to do more, but I wouldn’t feel better, I’d only feel more pathetic.
He’s amazingly caring and warm and ready to do anything and everything to make life better and easier. For everyone, especially me.
But this morning when I got up at 4:25 am, I heard this:
I am so capable. I don’t need to be saved.
It’s hard with men sometimes. We tell them we don’t need them to FIX IT.
If we have a great listener for a man (like I do), they ask what we need and do their best to EMPATHIZE instead. ‘Oh, that’s got to be really hard.’ But it doesn’t sound RIGHT. In fact, when my would do it, I almost wanted to laugh because the inflection was all wrong. The words came out awkwardly like a bad movie line. Do you know why it doesn’t sound right? Because they are MEN! They are supposed to FIX things! My man is a brilliant idea guy with millions of fresh ideas lined up for everything under the sun. Why would I want to squash those ideas and force him to say things that only girlfriends can get away with? ahhahaha
So back to my realizations… The ‘victim victim victim’ words rang out in my head as clear as day, because I am now ready to hear them.
So I ask you, blog world… Have you checked in lately to how you’re showing up? Even in the dark moldy pockets where it’s super freaky? This is not easy to admit to myself or anyone for that matter, but I must say being able to speak (and now write) openly takes the power away. I don’t need to be ashamed, I can just make the change.
I know what it feels like to be empowered. To know I’m in charge of my life and that I can handle anything that comes my way. I’m recognizing that the slap of seeing the truth only hurts for a bit. I can decide to do things differently and I am so so so grateful for that.
I feel free already. Yay! I am Jackie making my decisions and livin my life. Ha!
One of the things I know I need no matter what,
is to create.
If I’m feeling full of joy, I still long to make things. If I’m having a hard time, there is almost nothing I want to do more than sit down with a cup of tea and get lost in a doodle or drawing.
It’s funny, the more that I’m serious about FINISHING pieces, the more I’m craving to curl up and play with my art journal. The place that doesn’t need to look ‘done’ ever. Because it never is.
Here’s something I’ve been working on the last couple of days. Ahhhhh I could do it all day long!
I woke up feeling lethargic and blah. I feel like the past couple of weeks have been a lot of fun, but I’m not moving forward in my LIFE. Everything feels stagnant and sort of sad. I had been doing really well for the first 3.5 months of this year, but mixed with a lot of family hurdles, birthdays and travel, I’ve been feeling a little off track. Or rather a LOT off track.
As my hubby and I ventured out on our morning hike, we were both feeling stuck in this thick haze.
Here were some of our yucky thoughts:
Where is my motivation?
I feel so behind with all the goals I set for myself.
I just want to go back to bed, I don’t want to face any of this right now.
My body is too tired.
I want to paint, but I know I need to clean the house and do laundry as well. There isn’t enough time for it all.
I feel overwhelmed.
Does this look familiar? Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE traveling, and taking a break from everyday life. But something happens when I’ve had too much of a break. I start to feel like I am DOING NOTHING and that’s a horrible feeling.
Now all those feelings may really be there, they aren’t illusions,.. but they ARE just feelings.
I can restart.
I already had some nice goals in place awhile back, so I can start over and rediscover them. Why not? What if it’s that easy? There’s no sense in being mad at myself for where I am at. That’s not going to help anything.
Today can be the restart day, even though it’s Friday midday before a long weekend, I can still begin getting back on track.
I just realized something else, I don’t even need to DO anything to get back, it’s only a mindset. And I can change my mind. I have that power. I don’t have to do anything except be willing to reconnect.
So today is that! Today I restart, reevaluate, reconnect, recharge and recommit into the last part of May! I’m feeling better already. Ah!
S
I had this realization a couple of days ago while I was in Vegas with my hubby, surrounded by lots of emotions and some craziness.
We were never taught how to be happy.
I know we’ve been seeing signs and products for years that promised happiness and some of us bought into them in hopes that we would become happy.
But what about true happiness? Does it even exist?
I lived for YEARS with fake happiness. I was a great smiler and knew when to laugh and what questions to ask. But I had an extreme fear of being seen as anything BUT happy. So I worked overtime so everyone would think I was 100% HAPPY all the time. If any other real emotions were to pop up like sad, or angry, or scared, or jealousy, or embarrassment, I would be ASHAMED and disgusted with myself and then stuff them all way down.
I went through stages with happiness. First I felt like I’d be HAPPY if I got fake boobs. They would give me everlasting joy and happiness.
Then for many years I felt that if I made a lot of money, I would finally KNOW true happiness because I wouldn’t have anything to worry about anymore. Ha!
During that time I also felt that if I did art everyday, I would suddenly just easily be happy and that would be that. That would bring me true happiness.
I didn’t realize that NOTHING brings happiness. Nothing. Deep down to the core happiness? I had no idea what that even was. No one taught me that.
No one taught me that happiness isn’t brought to us. Happiness is WORK. And it’s fuckin hard work.
For me, the only way to feel happy is to allow myself to FEEL the other feelings that aren’t so fun. I also have to be very tuned in to what I need for me, what I can do to take care of me. Take right now for instance. I do not feel HAPPY. I’ve been weepy all morning, and have no energy and want to cry like a baby for a handful of reasons. And yet! I know that happiness is possible.
But here’s what is not going to help:
None of those will bring me to happy. For me, here’s what eventually will:
Oh my gosh happiness isn’t just work, it’s a full time job. The only times it starts to feel less like work is when we have good systems in place that BECOME HABITS. I have some great habits, but I still forget them and need to start over from scratch.
I wish we were taught in school to learn about ourselves enough to FIND OUR OWN PATH TO HAPPINESS. How would that be? If we all started to learn what we need when we are in a tough place, we would probably get closer to feeling what actual happiness feels like.
I’m going to go cry against a wall until I’m all dried up and then take a long hot bath. Ha!
xo
Ahhhh! Can’t believe it’s already Friday again! Seems so crazy I was in Utah a week ago. I had this really great yoga class this morning. It felt so good to go back to basics (without all the torture and weights). It was back to deep breathing and acknowledging my body moving all by itself. Anyway, sometimes the yoga teachers have cheesy messages about life that they throw in during the practice. The messages can seem a little forced as if they thought of it on the drive over out of obligation, so then I do a little bit of a mind wander. Other times you can tell that the teacher’s had an epiphany of their own that they are sharing. These times their message seems deeply rooted like ancient wisdom being passed down.
This morning was one of those times.
What she said was simple but it was just what I needed to hear.
She said, ‘I believe everything that happens in our lives, even if it’s difficult, is for a reason. It is to teach us something. So it’s important to thank the universe for all of it, even the hard lessons.’
I also believe everything happens for a reason, but I haven’t done the second part very often. It was a great reminder to be sincerely grateful for the parts of my life that I don’t yet understand, and the faith to know that I will someday.
Ah! I love finding tidbits of inspiration throughout the day. I can feel myself becoming so much stronger and wiser and easier on myself. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Love this quote and this fierce powerful artist! Ahhhh! Her words shoot right through my soul!
Today is my official ‘Remain Curious’ day.
For New Years 4 months ago, my official word for the year was ‘Curious.’ I had dedicated it to just. being. curious. It’s okay to get excited about NEW ADVENTURES and EXCITING CHANGE and become PASSIONATE and ALIVE! But! It doesn’t need to be the end all. I can just be curious, check it out. Leaving the f**kin pressure behind!
It’s easy for me to get a little off track as the months roll by, so this morning I’m bringing myself back.
Instead of stressing out and feeling shame and blame and lots of have to’s, I’m going to remain curious,… with everything.
What is it I’m feeling?
Could I try out that new idea and see where it leads? It’s okay if it doesn’t work, but it might be fun!
What do I need?
What is my heart saying?
There is no have to, there is no SHOULD. I’m just allowing curiosity to move through my body. And it feels like such an easier way to live! Ha! I’ve made my life way harder than it needed to be.
And so, to all of you out there,.. I’m sending you all lots of love and hoping that you too are discovering little life hacks of your own, that make your life MORE FUN, MORE RELAXING, MORE DELIGHTFUL in every way.
xo
Oh my gosh I can’t believe it’s been 11 days since I’ve written! Sooo crazy.
In the past, I would have gotten really angry at myself for not sticking to what I PROMISED I WOULD,.. but now it’s a different story. It’s more like, uh okay, it’s been awhile since I’ve written a blog, that’s okay. I’ve been doing other things that have been equally important. I can get right back into it!
Sometimes life is a bit crazy and unexpected, and I’m learning how to go with the flow and not judge myself the way I used to. I want my life to be full of experiences and adventures, and in order for that to happen, I have to be open to the unexpected!
About a week and a 1/2 ago, my siblings and I, and my hubby and step kids all came down to Utah to surprise my mother for her 60th birthday. She had thought we were all just too busy to be with her! Ahhh!! It was soooooooooooooooo hard to keep it a secret. In fact, I so wanted to write about it on here, but there was a CHANCE that she’d read it. Ha! That would have been bad.
Anyway, we all arrived at the school my mother teaches at around 1pm. Oh my gosh all of us were so excited, we could barely hold still. My stomach was jumping all over the place. Ahhahaseriasdfvcni!!!!!!!
We managed to find someone in the office to video tape her. I am really glad we did. My brother suggested it, and it turned out to be the best idea ever. Usually I get too excited for stuff like this and just go for it, forgetting to have it recorded.
Anyway, the weather was FREEZING. It was seriously SNOWING the last week of April, so we were all huddled together in the car before walking to her portable classroom for the surprise. hahah So funny and unexpected.
The entire weekend turned out to be amazing. My mother was so surprised to see all of us, and absolutely shocked to see Tyson, my brother who flew all the way over from Germany. We gave her 30 minutes to pack and then took her to Park City for an overnight trip.
I think one of the reasons that the weekend was so awesome, was the fact that my hubby and I decided that we didn’t need it to LOOK LIKE ANYTHING. In the past, I would have gotten so wrapped up in what I THOUGHT IT SHOULD BE, that I would have been stressed out making sure it was perfect. Wow. It was so much easier to be IN THE MOMENT knowing that it was going to move whatever way it needed to. We were all engaged, and we went with the flow.
Another reason I think it was so good, was because we worked out our intentions for the trip. It’s so easy to get caught up in the details of a vacation, or a birthday, or a surprise, that we can forget WHY we are even doing it. So I made sure that the whole time we were together, I was remembering my intention for being there in the first place.
To celebrate my mother.
Whatever that meant in the moment, was what I wanted to do.
For me, having the intention broad enough was helpful so I didn’t feel limited. I wasn’t needing anyone to FEEL anything. I didn’t need to ACCOMPLISH anything. I was just going to be in a place of love and celebration, and hopefully that would be easily felt. We all ended up having fun and feeling so much joy! It was seriously one of the best memories of all of us together.
This reminded me that I can do this sort of thing more often! I can set my intentions, and then practice being in the moment, allowing life to unravel the way it needs to. I felt more myself, and felt like there was space for me to just BE ME!
Ahhhh! So happy to be back on the blog!
xo
Hello everyone! I hope you’re all having a wonderful Thursday morning!
Right when I think ‘Sheesh! The universe has been giving me so many lessons lately, I’m sure there will be a nice break,..another one pops up. Ha!’ I hope I always feel that way about my life.
I can CRY easily and often so I’ve always known that I’m just really expressive with my emotions. I’m this wet well of feelings and I’ve learned to accept it. However, I’m seeing now that there maybe more to the story. I’ve recently started to get some coaching on personal stuff and I’ve come to find out that just because I CRY it doesn’t mean I’ve cleared the emotional experience out of me. Whhhhhhhhhhhat.
So. My assignment for the next couple of weeks is to do this feeling meditation to release past feelings that did not get fully felt. It’s actually pretty scary. Surprisingly there are so many experiences that I’ve dreaded looking back into. So I’m grateful that I’ve been able to muster up enough courage to do this. Something that helps is when I remind myself that FEELINGS CAN’T HURT US, they are meant to be felt. They can only hurt us if we don’t feel them. Hm.
Because I’m in the feelings mode, I’ve decided to take it a step further and become aware of when I’m avoiding feelings in my everyday life. It looks like nothing on the outside: ‘Oh shoot, I feel annoyed, so I’m going to go paint. Or. ‘ Yikes I feel angry, I need to go to the gym and forget.’ I usually do healthy things, but they are still a way of attempting to alleviate the pain of FEELING, instead of just embracing the feeling and letting it go.
And then I had the craziest realization.
I even do it with JOY! There are times when I have avoided even feeling the DEPTH of my joy. Can you believe it??? Seems crazy I know, but since I’m working more towards being PRESENT with everything I’m doing, I discovered this sad truth.
There are many times when I’m painting, and just as I’m settling in and feeling the warm elation of doing what I love, I’ll distract myself by NEEDING TO TEXT SOMEONE RIGHT NOW, or
SUDDENLY NEEDING TO CHECK ON AMAZON FOR A PRODUCT.
I know it’s not like I’m doing heroin, this is obviously much smaller scale. But I don’t want to shut off my joy in any way. If I’m used to shutting off my sadness or my anger or my hurt, it makes perfect sense that JOY could get squashed as well. What about you? Does this resonate with any of you?
Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!! I love getting these realizations because then I can make a tweak!
Yesterday, I put my phone away when I was making art. I sat in the silence so the only sound was my breath, and the paintbrush sliding across the paper. And. I. Was. In. Bliss.
I’m just going to believe that the more I embrace feeling my feelings all the way to the bottom, there will be more space for clarity, focus, connection and creativity.
xo
Sunshine and Cerulean 