Creating a Life I love Through Art
I know I’ve written before about wanting to create pieces that feel more fluid, like what I do in my art journal. This one, I am grateful, is moving towards where I naturally am when I am just creating, just feeling, just being.
I played around with using bits of tissue and wet pen to create some of the look over acrylic paint. Ahhhhh! I want to create more pieces like this that feel loose and easy and wild and open and full of play! The key is feeling that while I am doing them….
In a flash my reality as I have known it has changed. In an instant what I thought I knew about my life and the people in it has vanished, and I realize I am in the middle of a crisis. Now, it’s funny with crisis’s, we think they happen all at once. It does feel that way, and yet usually it’s because we finally see the whole story all at once like a million blazing lights. Were we just ready to finally see the truth? The truth that has been sitting on the bleachers this whole time waiting to be seen?
As I sit here after having spent many hours replaying events, trying to FIGURE out reasons, and meanings, and researching help, I am faced with an interesting question.
Where do you go when there’s a crisis?
When everything you thought you knew is suddenly bubbling all over the ceiling? When you feel like you must keep yourself busy but exhaustion hits?
That’s where I am right now, and I am grateful. I always know there is a lesson, I just have to open my eyes wide enough to see it. I KNOW it’s there, hidden in the shadows waiting for me to find it.
In this case, I think I know part of my lesson. And it is MY lesson. It was gently placed here in my lap for me to unwrap, uncover, and grow from. I can feel it inside my body, I know what this is. Here in front of me is the realization that I must make better boundaries. That I must make myself #1.
I have known this, as we all do in some way or another, but with this particular situation, being a step mom to kids whose mother is on the spectrum, I am constantly, constantly doing more than I should. I am keeping myself way beyond responsible for everything, and expecting her to do nothing.
I am putting the kids in front of me, and then my husband, and I am cramping up big time.
Why do I feel like it’s all my job to do alone?
If there hadn’t been an impulsion in these last couple of days, I would just keep doing and expecting that I must KEEP DOING.
But now I see what I am doing to myself, my heart, my soul, my body, my exhausted mind. I must slow down. I must allow space between what is in front of me and what I keep DOING.
I can no longer keep juggling, so that other people can step up.
The funny thing is is that I feel great for awhile when I buzz around handling it.
I feel accomplished!
I feel like a winner!
I feel like I have a purpose.
I feel loved and valued!
I knew there had to be reasons for all of this, and there is. I do get something out of it. To pretend that I don’t would be a lie. I can’t keep running in circles taking other peoples’ responsibilities over so I can feel like enough. I am not saving anyone anyway, and I am drowning.
So here I am inside of a crisis where I must matter more than all of them. I must take care of me first so I can even make a suggestion of what to do or where to go. I must create boundaries and allow others to fumble with figuring out the next move. I can do this, and I will.
At the end of the day, it’s my sanity on the line. It’s my joy that is being threatened, and it’s my peace that I’ve gladly been trading. I have done that to MYSELF. It was not done to me.
It is my job to turn it around.
I am in the middle of an interesting situation and had some thoughts about the concept of ‘living our truth.’
This is something that we always teach our children, remind our friends of when they have forgotten, and tell ourselves under our breath when life gets a little crazy,…
Live your truth. Live your truth. Live your truth. No one else is going to look out for you, so you must live your own truth.
Though I stand behind that 100%, I am suddenly in the middle of a predicament with a client. What my heart wants is now different than what she wants.
What do I do?
Do I stand up for who I know I am and the work I know I can do and say no to her?
Or…
Do I see that maybe the Universe wants me to push myself beyond my own limitations?
In the past, there were plenty of times that a creative situation didn’t SEEM like I would be ‘living my truth,’ so I bailed. I straight up walked away. Though I thought I was fearlessly standing up for myself in the face of possibly losing myself, what if I also didn’t give myself a chance to learn something new about life, or myself?
It just sort of struck me that if I only LIVE MY TRUTH, and only get involved in projects, people, experiences that I 100% KNOW for a fact will be amazing, how will I grow? Also when has anything, anything in life worked out completely the way we think it will?
Uh never.
Sometimes things work out better, but they are never exactly like we have them in our brain.
What is comfortable for me, may not be the best way for me to always grow. I want to learn more about myself, always, I truly do. So this realization that only moving forward when I can see the WHOLE path and it resonates with me FULLY AND COMPLETELY, doesn’t actually make so much sense.
So I am keeping my heart open. I realize I might have accidentally stepped into some uncharted (and currently undesired) territory, but I’m going to trust that it’s here to teach me something. Maybe it’s to not try and have all the answers all the time, or let go of control, or play my way through it, or trust intuition. Lets be honest there are any number of LESSONS I could have lined up to learn. But for me, the important thing is to always be learning. Even if I hate this new situation. At least I said yes and put myself out there, and finished what I started.
What are your thoughts on sticking to your TRUTH versus allowing the Universe to sometimes guide? Do you go for that? Or does that feel like giving in?
Also, for me I am realizing that it’s not about the answer that I decide to give, yes or no, to this project. It’s only about the intention. I could say YES and then hold a grudge and feel totally put upon. Or, I could feel my anger and sadness, release them, and then say YES because I am ready for a new unexpected experience. In both instances I SAID YES but the last one is way more empowered. I know that when I have felt my feelings fully, I can move forward with a clear head. I am going to take my time working through all these feelings so my answer can come from a strong, powerful, authentic place.
Like I mentioned at the beginning of the year, my art journal is a bit of a safety net for me. I feel SAFE taking risks on it. It’s fluid and playful and scribbling and messy and yet I get a chance to be a bit daring and then I can close the book and no one has to look at it.
I’ve known for a long time that the freedom I feel from ‘playing’ as I call it, in my art journal NEEDS to come out on actual pieces. If I want to show anything ever, I would like to be more comfortable with myself so that I can just make something without the journal. Something that has the same playful, effortless feel as working in that book.
It’s starting to get easier.
Lately I’ve been in the middle of a lot of little things OUTSIDE of the art journal. Yessss. This one I started out a bit cautiously. I could feel the apprehension building in my hands and arms as I worked. But when I have my art journal open close by, I’m reminded that I can create, I am an artist, and I just need to trust and relax. The more I worked, the more I began listening to those little intuitive hits that always bubble up when I’m working in the journal. I began relaxing into it. It felt so amazing to conquer that! I can feel easy and light no matter what or how I am creating. I can feel confident about myself and what I am doing. Ahhhh!
Ah! So so so appreciative of all the ideas that are spilling over in my brain. I am loving experiencing each and every one of them!
Sending you all love and joy on your creative journey!
I’ve always had a thing for large art installations that only work in expensive museums because who are we kidding, no one is going to purchase one for their house.
But how incredibly amazing!
I just discovered this guy, and love that his work defies gravity and introduces illusions on a large scale. Woa. I love his work! It questions reality right away.
http://www.leandroerlich.com.ar/
https://www.bloglovin.com/blogs/jealous-curator-1130239/leandro-erlich-again-already-2455708565
I’m sitting here on a Tuesday earlish afternoon and thinking about trust. It’s so funny how when things are going great or even well, trust isn’t much to really think about. But what about when things are rocky? That’s the real test.
You know when you’re in the right place at the right time but you aren’t sure of all the logistics? When you don’t see how the pieces are going to possibly fit together?
Most people freak out.
Ahhh! I don’t have all the answers! Ahhh! I’m not in control. I can’t do this!
This is:
scary or
hard or
daunting or
NEW and I want to run away!
I think where I am definitely seeing this show up the most right now is trusting that there is
ALWAYS A SOLUTION.
Always. I’ve struggled in the past with thinking in black and white, it’s either all this or all that,…etc. And yet the older (and hopefully wiser) I get, I am realizing more and more that
LIFE ISN’T LIKE THAT.
I think life, in all situations has solutions that are these hidden gems just waiting to be discovered. Sometimes we may need to step away and take care of our basic needs before we can see them. But they are always there, lingering in the shadows ready to be revealed if we are open to jumping and trusting.
I’m being tested a lot regarding many new mom responsibilities with my step kids and cray cray stuff coming up in regards to my husband’s ex-wife. Lately I feel like I’m barely coming up for air. It’s scary and a lot of work and I have a lot of feelings to work through , oh and by the way, where has my own time gone??
But I really do believe there are a lot of hidden gems along the way for me to experience as well.
I’m expecting to become better at trusting the universe, but also:
time management,
patience,
being present,
remembering the purpose,
remembering my purpose,
making sure that taking care of me is most important,
feeling my feelings, and
knowing that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed because I know I know I know that there will be solutions right around the corner.
Years ago I thought about having a surface where I could do my tiny little drawings on as well as some acrylic painting. I don’t like painting on canvas without gessoing the hell out of it, because lots of canvas texture just isn’t my thing. I thought about it, and maybe did a little thinking, but I wasn’t prepared to figure it out.
Anyway, this time I decided to figure it out only now I am much more patient and curious. I decided to glue a pretty thick mixed media paper to the canvas. After lots of trial and error, and starting over 5-6 times, but I got it to work seamlessly! Ha!!! It’s stuck to the canvas with no bubbles, and the edges have been covered in white texture paste to hide the paper seam. Though it’s not quite finished, it’s only taken a couple of hours and will be done in no time. Ahhhhhhh!
Now I can work on canvases of all shapes and sized with soft deliciously fine paper over the top! Yesssssssssssssss!
I told my stepson this summer that I was going to start giving him more attention for things he does that we APPRECIATE. Now, when you read that you may think that we must be a couple of strict, picky, parents. We’re not. But especially with two separate households, the kids can pick up on a lot of habits that wouldn’t be my choice. ahah I’m laughing to myself as I read this. No doubt in my mind that I’ve viewed ‘my choices’ for their lives as the ‘best choice.’
Anyway, I noticed over the summer that he was used to getting more attention for being disruptive, impatient, zoning out, and not following through. I think it sort of became a habit for us to notice and point out those things, so of course it only kept him bringing those attributes on even stronger. I suddenly saw it all for the first time, and made a promise that from now on we were going to notice all the wonderful loving things he does instead.
I may have already written about this, I don’t remember. I haven’t read back on my past blog posts. If I did, bear with me, this leads into where I’m actually headed. ahhah
Back to the story: He was surprised, and could hardly make eye contact when I started complimenting him so often. And I gotta admit, it wasn’t easy at first. I found little things and mentioned them to him. I said things like, ‘Wow, I appreciate that you moved out of the way when that person was walking right in front of you. That shows how aware you are…’ or ‘I’m grateful that you let me see what you’re working on. I love that you want to share things that are important to you.’
After about a day of this, he started to change. A little at a time he began showing up differently. He started using the manners I had asked him to use, he began putting his napkin on his lap in a restaurant, he even brought us kind little gifts that showed he was thinking of us.
He is one week away from starting at his new school, and has already began his computer programming classes, and he has transformed. I feel like I’m getting to know this precious being for the first time. For the past week, as we are putting him to bed, he looks up at me and says, ‘So what was your favorite part of the day for you?’ and ‘What are you most looking forward to?’ He’s courteous and playful and silly and happy and sharing his feelings. Last night I sat on the couch wrapped in my robe with his little head resting on my shoulder. He kept reaching for my hand to hold. I had no idea this little guy was so loving, so kind, so generous and thoughtful.
Isn’t it funny? We always assume that when a kid is ‘acting out,’ they need to learn to be BETTER to be DIFFERENT. But what if we just need to see them more clearly? Because when he’s getting his needs met, he WANTS to be kind, and helpful, and even patient.
Even beyond him, I’m loving the transformation with me. He’s only responding to the changes I’ve decided to make, and it’s completely transforming the way he sees the world and the way I see him.
Ahhhh! Love this parenting thingy.
This all used to be really hard. In my head, these two little beings already had a mom and a dad and I was this new person swimming somewhere in the middle of everything. I didn’t know what I was doing and constantly felt like I didn’t have a place.
For so long I did not see myself as a mother. I felt like more like an imposter, a projected image of what I thought I should be and yet having no clue at all. I also felt that they would never love me as much as their ‘real parents.’
I was embarrassed that ‘real’ parents would see me as a fake mom or that I just couldn’t possibly understand what it means to be someone’s mother.
But I held on.
I breathed.
I asked for help.
I believed deep inside that this must be for a reason. I must be here for a reason.
And then, fast forward 5+ years and here I sit a completely changed woman.
Without a doubt, I have become a mother.
I have rocked both of them when they have been in tears.
I tell them no, respectfully.
We have worked through some really really tough situations together.
Sometimes I have to remember to be kind.
They roll their eyes when I sing 80’s ballads at the top of my lungs.
There are moments when they are upset and needing to hear something that will help. I open my mouth and pray that I will show up.
I fiercely stand up for them.
I am learning to be more patient.
I hold their hands and remind them I will always love them no matter what.
I teach them consciously but they teach me unconsciously far, far more.
My intention is to truly see them as best as I can. And when I’ve done that, I will learn how to see them even better.
I had no idea I had what it took to be a mother and yet here I am. And you know what? It doesn’t matter at all anymore that they already have a mom. Who says one mother is enough anyway?
Every single day, hard days or easy, I thank the Universe and God for this family. My ‘place’ had been waiting for me all along, and there is no ‘place’ in the world I would rather be.
I’ve been leafing through my art journal for inspiration for painting this gaga pit. Here are a couple of ideas that I’m going to springboard off of for the project. I love to draw with tiny black pens, but I’ll be PAINTING instead. Not just painting, but LARGE AND IN CHARGE PAINTING. Can I do it? Hmmmm Actually having some ideas helps me wrap my head around the project.
Yes, I can do this. Breathe Jackie.
Sunshine and Cerulean 