Duh!

Oh my gosh! So I was talking to my sister this morning and describing a situation that had happened recently where I felt really unseen in my step-momming role. It’s been so hard in so many ways! Too often when people hear the word STEPMOM (dum dum dummmmmmmm) they assume it’s some woman hiding in the shadows with no opinion or is at least so emotionally disconnected from the kids that she doesn’t participate in any of their upbringing.

That’s exactly how my stepmom was!

But that’s not at all my experience!! Partly because the kids mom is so emotionally void, and communication deficient, I came in to MAKE UP FOR HER. In so many ways it’s been extremely dis-empowering.

One day maybe I’ll write a  book about what I’ve learned. 

But for now …. what if I find other women like me and create a support group? I mean, why not? I would have benefited so much from a group of women that aren’t gathering to BASH their husbands or the ex–wife’s, but to actively work together to find solutions.

I know that for me, I have started to feel much better about myself since changing my definition of my role.

Maybe there are women out there that need this group. Woa. I’ve often wondered why I’ve gone through all of this. Maybe I can help people after all…

There has got to be women out there that are in similar situations and want to feel more empowered, more IN CONTROL of their lives.

Opinions Beliefs Baggage Oh My

So this may come as a surprise, but I had no idea I am so damn opinionated. I guess being around kids must bring it out, all these hidden feelings and beliefs about how kids should be raised, how people SHOULD BE treated, how CONSEQUENCES SHOULD go, how lessons SHOULD BE learned, etc.

Obviously being so highly opinionated in a very unpredictable, sometimes dis-empowering, confusing, sometimes overwhelming situation just makes it all the more difficult.

But is the situation the problem? 

Or is it because I’ve come into the situation with all kinds of my OWN baggage and crap and beliefs and opinions and I’ve felt like it’s
my DUTY!
My JOB!
My NEED to sprinkle them along until everyone else
believes,
acts,
reacts,
and chooses the way I think they SHOULD.

Oh shit.

This feels very very yucky to write, but unfortunately it may be true.

Now, I know I can’t just allow people to take advantage of me anymore. That’s something I have definitely gotten under my belt.

And yet, I also can’t
MANDATE,
or CONTROL,
or DEMAND things to be different.

So maybe it doesn’t need to be so black and white? 

The more that I sit and meditate and concentrate on my breathing, allow myself to relax, I am finding the space within. The small whispered gap that says it doesn’t need to be either extreme.

I am not here to be hyper vigilant for everyone else, running around teaching, and validating, and predicting and researching and making sure everyone has what they need, and everything is running smoothly. All the while slowly (or freaking quickly) falling apart.

I’m also not here to hide away in my meditation closet with my fingers in my ears totally unaware of what’s going on while my power slips through the door and I’m left a shell of a human.

Wow. I just realized that BOTH EXTREMES leave me only a portion of who I really am.

Ha! How freakin’ fascinating!

With either extreme, I lose myself.

Like I’ve mentioned a zillion times before, I know I am here in this place, in this space, in this house with these humans for many reasons. But it’s not TO CHANGE THEM the way I thought it was. Oh gawd I actually did.

It’s to change me.

  • Can I allow the world to move as it will?
  • Can I allow people to make their own choices, minus me JUMPING IN TO SAVE THE DAY?
  • Can I allow life to teach the lessons it naturally teaches? And if they are learned, great. If they are not, that’s okay as well.
  • Can I still speak my truth, desires, and boundaries and make sure that I am following through with them to take care of ME in the very best way?

Because (here’s the clencher) I have a ton of my own lessons to learn, and don’t need to be so concerned with what everyone else is learning!!!

DING! DING! DING!!

It’s not my job to be LIFE’S LESSON TEACHER. ahhahahahh Sheesh. Sometimes just jotting down my feelings is the best way I can find out what is really going on.

I can learn to swing from tree to tree, trusting that life gives everyone what they (and I) need to learn.

Just stay in your own lane, Jackie, stay. in. your. own. lane.

 

 

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