If It Feels Right

if it feels right quote

This quote is exactly what I needed to hear! My intuition is telling me of something I no longer need, and yet I am fighting it.

I don’t want to feel like I am giving up.
I don’t want to feel like I am a quitter.

But this quote reminds me to check in.

If it doesn’t feel right, I can move forward without it.
Even if my intentions were that this was going to help others, and be amazing. If it’s not and I am drained from it, it’s not right. I did nothing wrong in the creation of it, but that doesn’t mean I need to stick around. This may be here just to myself that the universe is so ready to help me create exactly what I want.

My creativity is boundless, and it is leading me to all the lessons and the learning. And I can start over any time I choose and find another path.

Soul on Fire

If I were to ask myself, ‘what is something I love about who I am?’ I would have to say my passion. Sometimes it gets me in trouble, sometimes I come across as too loud or too firm or too whatever. But the way it pulses through me, igniting me, I would experience life no other way.

It is who I am to the core.

Life for me without the unhinging, tear jerking, screeching, belly laughingly intense passion would be far far less exciting.

In this piece I thought about what happens inside my body when I get an idea. When my blood is pulsing, my heart is pounding and I can see so clearly what I believe, what I want, and what I am creating.

This is my soul on fire.

Under all the Art

First of all, I am so so so so so appreciative that I get to create. That I have SPACE in my life to create. I am so appreciative that making art fills me up in such an incredible way. It’s like this warm hug, right from the universe. I feel empowered and connected and powerful and it’s all from the act of sitting down with my paintbrush. Just opening a can of my favorite paint melts my heart and sometimes I can’t stop myself from bursting into tears.

This is the best parts of being an artist for me.

This is the part where no matter what my life looks like, I can say with everything I am that I am so so so grateful I have something that fills me with this much passion and joy. I am truly grateful.

With every ounce of my being it’s not about what other people think AT ALL. AT ALL. For me it is so personal, and it is entirely the process, the in-the-moment creating that makes me feel so full.

That leads me to a slight issue.

I said I want to BE AN ARTIST. Be the artist I know I am.

What does that mean exactly?

Well, if I had my way I would be painting and painting and painting for hours on end with sore fingers and an open heart. I would be immersed in doodles and sketches and shrieking and giggling and crying as I create, all day everyday. All the time. But I said I’d like to also make money as an artist. It’s funny, saying the word ‘money’ along with art physically twists my stomach into knots. I don’t really care if people want to buy my stuff or not, I don’t.

I create solely for myself.

That being said, I also know without a doubt that we are given gifts and abilities to SHARE.

As you can see, I’m sorta stuck here. Stuck between what is comfortable and replenishing and what I know in my heart we as humans are here for.

So what do I do? 

 

I do know that I have always wanted to make a difference in peoples lives, and now is no different. I love community service, and random acts of kindness, and smiling at strangers, etc. etc. etc. If this really is the case, would I really want to hide away day after day creating and bursting and feeling and playing and making all in secret?

That’s not me living my truest self. 

If SHARING who I am means SHARING my art, how can I do that authentically?
Without feeling like a jackass?

All marketing is a painful, repulsive venture for me. I literally have to force myself to post on Instagram or Facebook, or even show my work here.

Wow. Okay. So I am noticing as I write that I have a LOT of emotions, way more than I thought, and it’s making me I want to shut down and cry and make art.

I realize that if the idea of showing my work is making me this upset, I must have a lot of fear underneath. 

Maybe it’s fear that I’m not good enough.

Maybe it’s fear that I won’t make money.

Maybe it’s fear that I WILL be seen as someone that needs to be acknowledged for her art.

Maybe it’s fear that someone will actually LIKE my work.

I’m not sure, but because of all these extreme reactions, I’m going to investigate. Ah! I love discovering more things about myself to release.

I guess this just means I need to share, I need to post, I need to expose myself anyway.

I don’t need to BE COMFORTABLE.

I can jump even if it’s terrifying and feels gross. In the end I will grow and that is what matters to me.

DISCIPLINE

Ah! There’s that word discipline.

The funny thing is I didn’t know I had a bit of an issue with it. I actually thought I was pretty disciplined. And maybe I am; with things I enjoy.

But is it discipline if you enjoy the tasks at hand? Maybe that’s just being in the zone? Maybe that’s being in a passionate place of creation. Straight up DISCIPLINE may be more like pushing yourself to get the stuff done that you don’t like, that doesn’t give you energy, but that you know need to get finished.

Anyway, this morning during a call with my coach, I realized something. Deciding to work on art, and make money from art is a great thing. But only doing the parts of it that I enjoy, and leaving everything else out, is reeeeeeeeeeeeeealllyyyyyyyyyyy not going to work.

It’s funny, intellectually I know this. I know that in order to have a BUSINESS, I have to work on the business.

I need a website.
I need to learn Photoshop so I can manipulate my work.
I need to spend time creating an Etsy shop.
I need to do marketing.
I need a point of view!

However. I’ve had a habit of just doing what feels good. I’ll curl up and draw or paint for hours and I will feel warmth and connected to my soul and so very grateful. I will actually FEEL like I’m moving ahead! That I have been working! That’s all rainbows and unicorns but it’s not doing THE WORK for the business.

Hm.. Maybe I’m at a place in my life where I can handle a tweak in my discipline.
(Big shocker alert!) I may need to do something different if I want different results.

So. I have a new goal. Everyday I will do (at least) ONE THING for the business side. This does NOT include making work. I’m going to make it a habit to get the business stuff worked on, and who knows, I might even enjoy it!

Ah! Here’s to learning DISCIPLINE! 

Power of the Restart

I woke up feeling lethargic and blah. I feel like the past couple of weeks have been a lot of fun, but I’m not moving forward in my LIFE. Everything feels stagnant and sort of sad. I had been doing really well for the first 3.5 months of this year, but mixed with a lot of family hurdles, birthdays and travel, I’ve been feeling a little off track. Or rather a LOT off track.

As my hubby and I ventured out on our morning hike, we were both feeling stuck in this thick haze.

Here were some of our yucky thoughts:

Where is my motivation?

I feel so behind with all the goals I set for myself.

I just want to go back to bed, I don’t want to face any of this right now.

My body is too tired.

I want to paint, but I know I need to clean the house and do laundry as well. There isn’t enough time for it all.

I feel overwhelmed.

Does this look familiar? Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE traveling, and taking a break from everyday life. But something happens when I’ve had too much of a break. I start to feel like I am DOING NOTHING and that’s a horrible feeling.

Now all those feelings may really be there, they aren’t illusions,.. but they ARE just feelings.

I can restart.

I already had some nice goals in place awhile back, so I can start over and rediscover them. Why not? What if it’s that easy? There’s no sense in being mad at myself for where I am at. That’s not going to help anything.

Today can be the restart day, even though it’s Friday midday before a long weekend, I can still begin getting back on track.

I just realized something else, I don’t even need to DO anything to get back, it’s only a mindset. And I can change my mind. I have that power. I don’t have to do anything except be willing to reconnect.

So today is that! Today I restart, reevaluate, reconnect, recharge and recommit into the last part of May! I’m feeling better already. Ah!

S

 

 

Focus Focus Focus

What if everything has the potential to work out if we stop focusing so hard on it?

I have sort of a funny example:

I’ve always disliked my arms. They were never the shape I wanted.

Through the years I started paying more and more attention to them until it became a total obsession.I was constantly thinking about them, and noticing other people’s arms that I was envious of.

Looking back, I can also see that my fixation caused me to assume that EVERYONE ELSE was also aware of my arms.

What is wrong with me?

Oh my gosh I look so horrible!

My arms are so noticeable and disgusting!

I found weight classes with the determination of getting them THE WAY I WANT THEM. I pushed myself to make this happen, but nothing seemed to be working!

The ARMS had become this HUGE problem.

I worked out even harder.

But still nothing happened.

About 4 months ago, I was peering at them, grabbing the areas I felt should be different, and I thought of something. If my arms suddenly WERE exactly what I wanted, how would my life be different?

Would I still do the same things?

Would I still have the same people in my life?

Would the same things still make me happy and sad and excited?

Yes. Of course, the answer was yes.

So…

Who cares?

I mean really, what if my arms are just the latest obsession that is keeping me from totally accepting myself, but they are fine? What if they are fine just the way they are. Can I love myself exactly as this, if they never do change?

I decided that yes, I can and I stopped thinking about them. I started sending them love when I saw them in the mirror, and being grateful they were getting so strong from all my weight exercises.

I stopped noticing the size.

 

The other day I was in the middle of my brutal yoga class and I happened to glimpse at my arms in the mirror. I realized that they were starting to take the shape I had always wanted. But I hadn’t even noticed!

As I examined them more closely that evening, I realized something else. It’s great they are toning up, it really is. And yet I don’t care nearly as much as I thought. Their size, their shape isn’t what determines my happiness.

So I was wondering, is this how it is in all areas of life? If we are super focused on something, and running in circles demanding it to BE DIFFERENT, do things suddenly change? After all that grueling work?

Or if we build up some sort of ideal into this fantasy that will make our LIVES BETTER AND MORE ENJOYABLE AND HAPPIER, is that ever true?

This was a great epiphany, because I’m involved in some heavy life stuff right now. Maybe instead of running in circles SEARCHING FOR THE ANSWER, I can surrender to what is, and LOVE who and what I am and who and what everyone else is that I am involved with.

Maybe this can create the space for miracles to occur.

 

 

Victoria Erickson

I just discovered this amazing poet the other day. ahhhh! Her words are so powerful! I can’t wait to get her books. Wow!

Check her out if you get a chance.

xo

Jump Scared and Grow into Brave

For years I knew I wanted to do super awesome things and for some reason I thought they were literally going to be dropped on my porch. Like someone would maybe even stop me on the side of the road and say, “Excuse me, are you Jackie? We have an exciting life for you! Just follow me!”

Obviously that didn’t happen, but I spent a lot of time WAITING FOR IT.

I knew the things I sorta kinda wanted but my FEAR was way too great to do anything physical about it.

Slowly through the years I’ve realized a bit about getting what we want. Even if we have the best intentions for receiving the life we want, but we refuse to take any risks at all,.. WE WON’T GET IT. We won’t.

If we refuse to quit the job that is draining the life out of us, or say no way to standing up for ourselves, or taking a class to learn a new skill we have really been wanting,.. if we aren’t willing to RISK, and to be BRAVE,….

WE. WILL. NOT. CHANGE.

I’m totally in my element now, making art. Making art for me, isn’t a risk, it’s a necessity. But I am DEFINITELY making sure to take little risks everyday.

Here are the risks I’ve been taking lately:

  • Writing this blog – Puts my voice out there! My innermost feelings and joys and pains. It feels vulnerable and not always that comfortable.
  • Making a Facebook business page of my art – I literally cringed when I started inviting people to like it. Ah! I feel so exposed! ughaserk!
  • Posting Doodle-a-Day photos for Instagram – I’ve never never been one to show my work, it feels like I’m being a show off. And yet, art is my heart and soul, and I’m no longer going to hide.
  • Saying I’m an artist – There’s a part of me that feels uncomfortable saying I’m an artist, and yet I know that BEING AN ARTIST sings through my veins, and so I suck it up, and say it anyway.

With each of these circumstances, my heart starts racing, my palms get sweaty, I feel nauseous and fiercely anxious. None of them are easy for me. And yet,… I know that this is where I will grow. I think back to all the times that I thought I might take a jump and then quickly replaced that thought with this one:

‘That sounds really scary, I think I’ll wait until I’m braver.’

I realize now, that we don’t just become brave. Bravery doesn’t just appear so the jump is easier.

If we jump scared, then we grow into being brave.  

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